The "Bubble" World of the A

[cocorico]

Possibly. The difference IMO between a bubble and real life is the openness and honesty of each.

 

The bubble life is usually (I would dare say always) the secret life. Certain aspects of it will always be a fantasy because of the secrecy.

 

OK. When the APs' R is characterised by openness and honesty, and the M characterised by a lack of openness, a lack of honesty, people living past each other, etc, it's clear where the "bubble" is.

 

Where the A couple socialise openly among friends and the MP's family as a couple, and the M "couple" do not operate as a couple but live separate lives, there is no "secret" or "fantasy" - though the M may be unknown outsiders since they see no evidence of the M "couple" acting as a couple, and assume the A couple are the couple.

[cocorico]

There is an affair bubble as long as the married person (MOM or MOW) needs to keep the affair a secret.

 

Sometimes it is only a "secret" to the BS.

[JamesM]

OK. When the APs' R is characterised by openness and honesty, and the M characterised by a lack of openness, a lack of honesty, people living past each other, etc, it's clear where the "bubble" is.

 

With all respect, one must still question why the affair is "open and honest" and yet still kept a secret. Unless there is an open marriage, then the BS who is the one whom the MM made a public vow to, is officially the "real" world. The marriage may have a lack of honesty and openness because the MM is living a secret life outside of the marriage.

 

Honestly, I find it odd that the "true love" of the affair cannot overcome the lies of the marriage. Why would a MM want to stay in the lies of a marriage instead of enjoying the openness of the affair? I mean that seriously.

Is it possible that the AP who is living in that "bubble" cannot see the reality outside of the bubble objectively as it is being relayed to him/her by the one who has "created" the bubble?

 

Where the A couple socialise openly among friends and the MP's family as a couple, and the M "couple" do not operate as a couple but live separate lives, there is no "secret" or "fantasy" - though the M may be unknown outsiders since they see no evidence of the M "couple" acting as a couple, and assume the A couple are the couple.

 

Actually, the bubble has consumed much of the life of the MM. Unless he can live in honesty with everyone, then it is still a separate life. If people assume that the affair is the marriage, then we must conclude that they have not been told the truth either.

 

Sometimes it is only a "secret" to the BS.

 

Sadly, this is the one person who the MM pledged openness and honesty. Now he conducts an intricate life of secrecy to avoid telling her the truth. Funny thing is...many years ago, he pledged to her what he is allegedly now being to his AP.

 

 

While I can understand why a MM would choose to have an affair, I cannot understand why an AP would choose to live in this world that he created. The only reason that I could think she would agree to this secret life is because she has the hope that one day she will be his only life. For unless the MM goes home to her at the end of each day, the MM puts her in the bubble and keeps his family in his real world...even if he lies to keep both separate.

 

Just my opinion, and hopefully by now it is known that it is not intended to offend.

[Pierre]

OK. When the APs' R is characterised by openness and honesty, and the M characterised by a lack of openness, a lack of honesty, people living past each other, etc, it's clear where the "bubble" is.

 

Where the A couple socialise openly among friends and the MP's family as a couple, and the M "couple" do not operate as a couple but live separate lives, there is no "secret" or "fantasy" - though the M may be unknown outsiders since they see no evidence of the M "couple" acting as a couple, and assume the A couple are the couple.

 

Coco, you are creating a hypothetical or looking for an exception to the rule to make your point.

[Pierre]

I forgot to add:

 

Rationalization is required to enter the bubble.

[promises]

I forgot to add:

 

Rationalization is required to enter the bubble.

 

 

It's NOT A BUBBLE.

[Decorative]

It's NOT A BUBBLE.

 

Pierre said you were not in a bubble. He's not speaking about you.

 

But for a married affair partner, there is absolute compartmentalization.

 

My spouse described it as wearing two different prescriptions. He saw things one way with her, and the edges of everything else went fuzzy. And then when he came home, he saw a wider world.

 

I haven't had an affair as a married person or otherwise, but that made some sense to me.

 

maybe that feels like a better way to phrase it?

[Pierre]

It's NOT A BUBBLE.

 

I know, it is shiit, but it is not a bubble.

 

As I said above. For you it is not a bubble. Your perception is different and your perception is your reality.

 

And it was real. The bubble does not make it less real.

 

I suggest you stop analyzing mm. If you are not a charger you will never understand how they operate.

 

Go through the grieving process. From your perspective the bubble is moot. Unless you want to validate the relationship. But why validate a relationship that is done? Nothing changes.

[promises]

He was not in a bubble either. Pretty sure he was fully aware of what he was doing.

[Pierre]

He was not in a bubble either. Pretty sure he was fully aware of what he was doing.

 

Yes, you are correct. He was living a reality. When he said ILY it was the real deal. Perhaps you are not understanding the concept of compartments. Different realities are possible with more than one compartment. He loved you no doubt. That is why this is so puzzling.

[Decorative]

He was not in a bubble either. Pretty sure he was fully aware of what he was doing.

 

Promises- what answer would make you feel better?

 

What he did was awful. It was .

 

Nobody has ever said that the affair partners don't know what they are doing. of course they know. They choose it, except in very rare instances of an unwitting OW/OM.

 

But compartmentalization still happens.

[LadyGrey]

I believe in some cases there are bubbles for sure for MP's especially. Plenty of examples here, Stevie's story comes to mind.

 

My xmm created a huge bubble of manipulation and lies, extreme yes because he lied about being separated. He had his wife/that life in one bubble and me in the other bubble. If he had his way, the two bubbles wouldn't have burst, but they did and the bs fell all around him.

[MissBee]

He was not in a bubble either. Pretty sure he was fully aware of what he was doing.

 

I'm confused about what being in a bubble has to do with knowing what you're doing . Being in a bubble doesn't mean you are insane or incapacitated. Are you equating fog with bubble? The two IMO are slightly different and even fog doesn't mean you have no knowledge of what you're doing. You're just living a compartmentalized reality, one which doesn't hold up under pressure franly. I think the vacation example is a great one personally. One is not unaware of what one is doing on vacation...but your vacation life is not your "real life", but a break, a vacation bubble away from your ordinary life.

[Tenacity]

Pierre said you were not in a bubble. He's not speaking about you.

 

But for a married affair partner, there is absolute compartmentalization.

 

My spouse described it as wearing two different prescriptions. He saw things one way with her, and the edges of everything else went fuzzy. And then when he came home, he saw a wider world.

 

I haven't had an affair as a married person or otherwise, but that made some sense to me.

 

maybe that feels like a better way to phrase it?

 

I think you are ultimately saying the same exact thing as Pierre. But you are SO MUCH better at relating to both sides, and it makes all the difference in the world.

 

I have been on here long enough to know that I am not the only one. There are few people I have more respect for than you. (I know - given who I am - that isn't probably meaningful to you, but I wanted you to know). I take to heart everything you say, because you say it.

[underwater2010]

They are bubbles when you don't have to deal with the stress of marriage, work and kids. When the day comes that you have to deal with dirty socks/underwear, bills, dishes, pee on the toliet seat, farting, ramien noodles, kids and stress...you are no longer in the bubble. Think of it as the dating stage....where you get the best, not the worst.

[Tenacity]

They are bubbles when you don't have to deal with the stress of marriage, work and kids. When the day comes that you have to deal with dirty socks/underwear, bills, dishes, pee on the toliet seat, farting, ramien noodles, kids and stress...you are no longer in the bubble. Think of it as the dating stage....where you get the best, not the worst.

 

It wasn't the 'dating stage' for me. I dealt with all of that over the years. Trust me - I got the worst.

[stevie_23]

My H and I got to know each other really well during the A, and there were no surprises when we did move in together. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it was because it *was* an A that we got to know each other so well... Because after decades of not sharing his innermost thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, and his "dark side" with anyone, he was over-hungry to share, and we talked ourselves to death in a way I have never known people in non-A Rs to talk. It was instant Access All Areas. And it remained so over the years. So when we moved in together, there was nothing to uncover. No surprises, except the pleasant surprise that it was at least as good as we'd hoped it would be.

 

I strongly agree with this. After a very long time not sharing anything with their spouse, they DO tend to blab endlessly to YOU in the A so you DO get to know them VERY well (to certain extends depending on the level of honesty and the level of contact).

 

Your situation is what I'd hoped to have with my ex-MM. We also "talked ourselves to death" and shared EVERYTHING, access all areas, and I expected if we DID end up properly together, living together, there'd be no surprises, no big issues.

[LFH]

It wasn't the 'dating stage' for me. I dealt with all of that over the years. Trust me - I got the worst.

 

Yeah, apparently we're getting screwed on this whole fantasy of no responsibility thing because that's not ever been my situation either.

[beenburned]

promises,

 

I haven't had time to read this long thread.But I will comment on your statement of serious passion within your affair.

 

There are many different types of affairs, but all start with a spark/chemistry toward the OP.

 

Then this sometimes turns into a deep infatuation that is coupled with lust/passion. Then later on it might turn into a deep love in which each person wants to committ to a new life together, therefore the married AP gets a divorce from their spouse.

 

All of this, and the feelings of the people involved is all real. However if one AP is married, then all of the above happens in addition to their daily married life with all of it's responsibilities. So the affair exists only because it is a secret from their married spouse. Therefore it is kept separate from their married daily life, hench the term box or bubble.

[MissBee]

Aren't you saying here (from your "we spoke" thread) that it was a bubble? "Our own little reality" meaning it wasn't the 'real' world, meaning a bubble?

 

Not trying to poke at you, just wondering what the difference is, and since the 'it's not a bubble' and the above statement are both from you, maybe you can help.

 

Thanks!

 

 

I'm a bit confused as well about the difference between "our own little reality" and a bubble.

 

I think people are talking at cross purposes about the definition of a bubble. Everyone is defining it in different ways. Promises has admitted to their own little reality...and in my mind that is a bubble. But if she calls something other than that a bubble, then maybe it wasn't a bubble based on that definition. Some are equating bubbles to the authenticity of feelings. In my mind, one can have authentic feelings in a bubble, so the "true" nature of feelings is irrelevant in my own definition. Others are saying a bubble means you didn't have certain responsibilities or have to pick up dirty socks etc and some are retorting that they did, so it isn't a bubble. A bubble has nothing to do with that in my mind. You can pick up all the dirty socks and do all that and still be in a bubble, as for me, a bubble is primarily an issue of compartmentalizing on one or both people's parts and how that separateness and secrecy facilitates an affair life which deviates from a life that the majority who know them would consider normal.

 

I think of it like, if a biography type of show had to me made about this person, where they interviewed people in their lives. What would come up? Would most of their friends, family, coworkers and other informants know about the A life and A reality and/or would what the OW reports sync up with what everyone else is saying? How can a full life just include the relationship one has with one person? I know some OW have tried to say his family life is all a sham and his true self is with her. But is that even true most times? No doubt everyone experiences people differently, but I wonder, would the OW be surprised at what comes out in these interviews, and would these other people share a similar reality about "Joe MM" than the OW? It's interesting to think about. Even with famous men, if a biography is made they generally ask their family and friends, kids, ex wives, wives to comment as the "official" story and if an OW exists they play that up as an exposure of their "secret" life and as a scandal on the side of this "official" report.

Edited March 2, 2013 by MissBee

[promises]

Our own reality was a very nice place. We cared for each other, knew secrets and hopes, dreams, realities, and hardships of one another.

 

I refuse to call it a bubble to suffice those that need to compartmentalize the AP. I loved him. He loved me. Does he love others in his life, yes. Did he invest more into a life with his W, yes. Does that mean it was a bubble. No.

 

It was very real and just because it is what it is now, does not mean it was a bubble. That seems trivial and honestly, it p*sses me off.

[Pierre]

Our own reality was a very nice place. We cared for each other, knew secrets and hopes, dreams, realities, and hardships of one another.

 

Our own reality, that is the bubble. The two of you belonged to a very exclusive club with just two members.

 

I refuse to call it a bubble to suffice those that need to compartmentalize the AP. I loved him. He loved me. Does he love others in his life, yes. Did he invest more into a life with his W, yes. Does that mean it was a bubble. No.

You want this to mean more. Whether it is called a bubble or as you said "our own reality" changes nothing. It was real, but it was a parallel universe for him.

 

It was very real and just because it is what it is now, does not mean it was a bubble. That seems trivial and honestly, it p*sses me off.

 

It was not trivial at all. I don't think you get it.

 

And you have a strong need to believe this was the romance of the century. And it probably was, but that changes nothing.

 

It would be way better for you to grieve this loss in a completely different manner. Your desire to elevate this to great heights sets you up for a longer grieving process.

[LadyGrey]

Ahhhh............you feel minimized by others words??

 

Affairs do that to you all by themselves but when faced with certain realities such as a d day, moving the affair to a out in the open relationship, etc., the minimization is exaggerated.

 

I hope that given time, you'll see more clearly what it was, what it wasn't and hopefully not feel so defensive. That is healing.

 

What you need to examine is now that you do know the reality of this man and what a knobhead he is........why is this bubble thing pissing you off?

 

 

 

 

Our own reality was a very nice place. We cared for each other, knew secrets and hopes, dreams, realities, and hardships of one another.

 

I refuse to call it a bubble to suffice those that need to compartmentalize the AP. I loved him. He loved me. Does he love others in his life, yes. Did he invest more into a life with his W, yes. Does that mean it was a bubble. No.

 

It was very real and just because it is what it is now, does not mean it was a bubble. That seems trivial and honestly, it p*sses me off.

[promises]

Our own reality, that is the bubble. The two of you belonged to a very exclusive club with just two members.

 

 

You want this to mean more. Whether it is called a bubble or as you said "our own reality" changes nothing. It was real, but it was a parallel universe for him.

 

 

 

It was not trivial at all. I don't think you get it.

 

And you have a strong need to believe this was the romance of the century. And it probably was, but that changes nothing.

 

It would be way better for you to grieve this loss in a completely different manner. Your desire to elevate this to great heights sets you up for a longer grieving process.

 

Well, it wasn't just the two of us. My entire circle knew about him and of him. Certain people in his life knew of me and about me.

 

I hate the term. It feels like a justification to those married to yet again throw the other 'person' under the bus after dday. (Please don't start with 'but you did that to his W')

 

I didn't. He did. He left her and THEN we said we loved each other.

 

In fact this last attempt at communication he still wanted me to consider being in his life. I said, NO. And not because of my own heart but because of hers. And, she also tore my world apart.

 

I'm not a saint, but the bubble term feels like another slap in the face. That's all.

 

As far as romance of the century. Well, it was the most intense emotions I've had this century.

[promises]

also, I have the right to be confused. He f*cked with my head.

 

I'm angry that he did that. And, I'm angry that he has such a massive ego that he believes he can have a 'home life' and a side life. A BUBBLE LIFE. Even after all of what has gone on and his woo'ing of his wife to get back home, etc. And NOW he comes back???? Feel sorry for me my wife is now sick??? ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME??

 

I am not a bubble. That is what I am saying. Please be kind when using the term because it is hurtful in some cases.