The "Bubble" World of the A

[Pierre]

Well, it wasn't just the two of us. My entire circle knew about him and of him. Certain people in his life knew of me and about me.

 

 

The bubble does not include you and furthermore, the bubble is not physical. We make bubbles all the time to survive. For example extreme denial is a form of a bubble and it protects us from facing the harsh reality.

 

I hate the term. It feels like a justification to those married to yet again throw the other 'person' under the bus after dday. (Please don't start with 'but you did that to his W')

 

I didn't. He did. He left her and THEN we said we loved each other.

 

This is not about justification or blame. The bubble is simply an explanation to a very difficult point in EMRs. The board is full of folks that are puzzled after the EMR ends on d-day or after the OW gets thrown under the bus. The obvious question for many OWs is:

 

"Did he loved me or did he simply lied when he said he loved me? What about all the plans we made? The promises?"

 

Well, it was all very real and when he said nice things to you he meant every word. He was not lying to you at all. You were his reality 100% and he loved you or loves you very deeply. However, he lives in two parallel universes and when parallel universes collide there is chaos.

 

In fact this last attempt at communication he still wanted me to consider being in his life. I said, NO. And not because of my own heart but because of hers. And, she also tore my world apart.

 

I'm not a saint, but the bubble term feels like another slap in the face. That's all.

 

As far as romance of the century. Well, it was the most intense emotions I've had this century.

 

Exactly, he is madly in love with you. And the emotions he felt were as intense as yours.

[cocorico]

They are bubbles when you don't have to deal with the stress of marriage, work and kids. When the day comes that you have to deal with dirty socks/underwear, bills, dishes, pee on the toliet seat, farting, ramien noodles, kids and stress...you are no longer in the bubble. Think of it as the dating stage....where you get the best, not the worst.

 

By that token, we were never in any bubble, during the A or since.

 

But I do have to wonder at the pictures some people paint of their Ms / Rs - dirty underwear, pee on the toilet seat, farting... Yech! Do all these people live in trailer parks or are they simply raised with no manners? I have never ever in any R had to deal with that, not even from kids! If people allow others to treat them that way, it's no wonder their Rs have shortcomings.

[Pierre]

also, I have the right to be confused. He f*cked with my head.

 

I'm angry that he did that. And, I'm angry that he has such a massive ego that he believes he can have a 'home life' and a side life. A BUBBLE LIFE. Even after all of what has gone on and his woo'ing of his wife to get back home, etc. And NOW he comes back???? Feel sorry for me my wife is now sick??? ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME??

 

I am not a bubble. That is what I am saying. Please be kind when using the term because it is hurtful in some cases.

 

OK, lets accept that there was no bubble or compartment, or parallel universe. Then, how do you explain the behavior of MM that throw the OW under the bus on d-day? Do you think they were simply lying with ILYs and felt nothing? IS that really the explanation? I don't think so.

[beenburned]

promises,

 

Please go back and reread my post. I didn't say anything in order to hurt your feelings.

 

I said the feelings and emotions are real!

But for a married person the dual secret life he leads is his bubble or box.(not yours)

 

You have every right to be furious with him that he feels entitled to have a dual secret life!(so does his wife) He feels justified in his actions and even tries to actively woo his wife into a false reconcilation!

 

Be glad you got rid of him!(even if you loved him)

[sweet_pea]

By that token, we were never in any bubble, during the A or since.

 

But I do have to wonder at the pictures some people paint of their Ms / Rs - dirty underwear, pee on the toilet seat, farting... Yech! Do all these people live in trailer parks or are they simply raised with no manners? I have never ever in any R had to deal with that, not even from kids! If people allow others to treat them that way, it's no wonder their Rs have shortcomings.

 

You've never farted? Ever? Wow, isn't that a natural human thing...?

 

Also, dirty underwear is a term for worn undies. Maybe not where you're from, but I think in the US, that's the standard way of saying underwear that has been worn and needs to be cleaned for another use.

 

Peeing on the toilet? Not legitimately peeing on the toilet. It can just be chalked up to aim, I remember when my little brother was getting potty trained (yes, still remember) and he missed a few times.

 

But implying that someone is raised with no manners because silly little quirks like that happen is a bit rude and I have to wonder how you've never experienced anything of the sort.

 

Sorry, had to go there.

[promises]

OK, lets accept that there was no bubble or compartment, or parallel universe. Then, how do you explain the behavior of MM that throw the OW under the bus on d-day? Do you think they were simply lying with ILYs and felt nothing? IS that really the explanation? I don't think so.

 

 

I see what you are saying and I am sorry I know that you are trying to help.

[Pierre]

I see what you are saying and I am sorry I know that you are trying to help.

 

He was (or is) truly madly in love with you.

 

Furthermore, this is not about youi.

 

This is all about him.

 

You need to greive like all of us have done at one time.

 

But, once you start the grieving process I beg you to not come back for more analysis. Do not question yourself. He truly loved you, but the circumstances were not right.

 

And lastly, I always had a way to deal with breakups that worked well for me:

 

Breaking up with hope is much worse than breaking up with no hope.

[Pierre]

He was (or is) truly madly in love with you.

 

Furthermore, this is not about you.

 

This is all about him.

 

You need to grieve like all of us have done at one time.

 

But, once you start the grieving process I beg you to not come back for more analysis. Do not question yourself. He truly loved you, but the circumstances were not right.

 

And lastly, I always had a way to deal with breakups that worked well for me:

 

Breaking up with hope is much worse than breaking up with no hope.

[xxoo]

I am not a bubble. That is what I am saying. Please be kind when using the term because it is hurtful in some cases.

 

That's right; you're not! How dare he for treating you like one!

 

That is what people are saying. From an outside perspective, it is infuriating that these MM put wonderful women in bubbles for them to enjoy on the side. And, yes, it is frustrating when wonderful women stay there, because it is the best romance they've ever experienced.

[LadyGrey]

The anger promises, most of us get that, wow do we get it! You have a right to feel that way, yes you do. Feel it, just don't let it own you.

 

I was so f'ing angry for over a year, I had such a difficult time processing it.

[JourneyLady]

I think they call it a bubble because in daily life, the woman in the affair isn't scrubbing the stains out of his underwear, sorting through his dirty socks, and all the other things that go with being a wife generally. And the guy isn't caressing her back while she's throwing up from the flu, etc. In other words, the life they are living is *often* (maybe not always) so protected from the real intimacy of seeing a person at their worst, that it is comparable to the first flush of romance.

 

Keeping in mind, that no matter what the WS says, there WAS the first flush of romance and love with their BS as well. I'm sure my ex's AP has no idea how romantic and loving he was in both the beginning and end of our marriage. We had our "bubble" too at first. I'm sure he wouldn't tell her of this because if she knew I got flowers as much as I did, she would demand the same -- or worry that he doesn't love her as much because *she* doesn't get things like that.

 

I'm absolutely certain he will stick by her now, because it's cost him too much to get with her and because underneath all that he really would feel twice as guilty if her were to leave. Plus he would lose face - he hates to be wrong.

[LFH]

I think sometimes the affair bubble is held up because if it's not an affair bubble then it's REAL and people don't WANT the affairs to be real. It makes people more comfortable to think that what's going on is all fantasy and can't possibly have any reality to it.

 

I don't know why it is so important to some people that what has been experienced MUST be false or minimized.

Edited March 2, 2013 by LFH

[xxoo]

I think sometimes the affair bubble is held up because if it's not an affair bubble then it's REAL and people don't WANT the affairs to be real. It makes people more comfortable to think that what's going on is all fantasy and can't possibly have any reality to it.

 

I don't know why it is so important to some people that what has been experienced MUST be false or minimized.

 

Real sex, real feelings, but existing inside a bubble. These aren't mutually exclusive.

 

The question is: would the feelings be the same without the bubble?

[LFH]

I think it probably as important to some people that it false as it is to the WS/AP that is MUST be real...yet is not always lifted up and exalted as such. Kind of hard to say it is real when hidden and lied about by some.

 

The same could be said of the marriage in some cases though. I think that when a marriage has been entirely false for 2, 4, 12 years it's not real yet no one would like to be told that, especially if they are looking to stay. It's not for anyone else to tell a person what their reality is, and doing so can be offensive and hurtful to people who have no idea what is actually involved in someone else's relationship.

[Pierre]

People

 

The affair is real. Who would say the opposite?

[LFH]

false maybe...rarely hidden. I actually felt that way about your post that I responded to.....then I thought about it a bit more and realized you had a point.

 

I never try to be offensive. I do apologize if you found it that way.

[ComingInHot]

Promises;

How are you doing?

I Know this is no A BBL (I still can't even right it because it makes me feel silly*) for you. It's real. The pain. The betrayal, and the loss, only to have him contact you and throw all of that on you again w/a side of guilt regarding his W's health.

I hope you are alright. ((Hugs))

[promises]

Promises;

How are you doing?

I Know this is no A BBL (I still can't even right it because it makes me feel silly*) for you. It's real. The pain. The betrayal, and the loss, only to have him contact you and throw all of that on you again w/a side of guilt regarding his W's health.

I hope you are alright. ((Hugs))

 

Thanks, CIH. I'm doing alright. I go back and forth. A LOT.

[Realist3]

Forgive me if what I am about to say has already been alluded to, as I have not read this whole thread.

 

As I understand the term, I do think it has merit, and not necessarily in a negative way about being a fantasy, or unreal.

 

In an affair we typically get all of the good, and very little of the bad. When you talk or meet with your AP you are wanting to experience a good time. All of the mundane things we all deal with in a relationship,and or marriage are not generally part of the mix. How our partners deal with those things do color our perspective of them. The list is endless. Over time those mudane things create atmosphere that is not present in an affair, hence "the bubble". Would any of those things be deal breakers? Probably not, but they do allow us to put our AP up on a small pedestal that is probably not warranted.

 

Conversely, an AP might very well find the way their AP handles these things to be offputting.

 

There is a dynamic that can't exist in an affair and that is being together every day. That is the bubble.

[Eggplant]

This discussion about the affair bubble reminded me of reading that the male brain is often better at compartmentalizing. I have searched the internet in the hope of finding this subject matter again. The following passage I've copied from a NYT article It's a Guy Thing - NYTimes.com

In what amounts to a companion volume, “The Male Factor: The Unwritten Rules, Misperceptions, and Secret Beliefs of Men in the Workplace,” by Shaunti Feldhahn (Broadway Books), draws on neurological and psychological research as well as surveys and interviews she conducted with more than 3,000 men. Feldhahn attributes many of the differences in men’s and women’s behavior on the job to the corpus callosum, which connects the brain’s right and left hemispheres. According to one study, it’s 25 percent smaller in men, with more isolated gray matter, which facilitates compartmentalizing. In women, a greater concentration of white matter relays more thoughts across various areas of the brain and makes for more efficient multitasking.

 

Where

men build a wall in their minds between “work world” and “personal world,”

Feldhahn urges us to build one, too, if we want to get ahead. Men, she says, view emotion at the office as disruptive and irrational, owing to the male brain’s predisposition to engage in a single activity, either thinking or feeling — but not both at the same time. Women’s brains permit us to think while we feel, but she stops short of suggesting that we try to convince you of that. Instead, she advises us to “edit” our emotions.

This passage asserts that men more readily block out their emotions from their day-to-day "work world." Perhaps if a man is in an affair, he views the affair as his "personal world," and includes his wife, home, and children in a "work world" category.

[Ellin]

I have a hard time with the phrase, "Affair Bubble".

 

The feelings, emotions, and real life of the A didn't feel like a bubble to me at all. In fact it felt more like a sledge hammer raining down on my World and heart for the better part of the experience.

 

I feel like BS/WS use the term "Bubble" to make the A seem more like a 'fantasy' or distraction from the reality that the WS did what they did and actually had feelings for another human being in a loving way.

 

As much as it is completely disarming to be cheated on (which I have), I never thought of my ex boyfriend being in a bubble when he cheated. I thought he was not invested in me anymore and too much of an arrogant prick to break it off with someone he loved before he did it.

 

This didn't make the cheating any less real. It was very real, but certainly not a fantasy or bubble.

 

People can have feelings for other people. Period.

 

Are affairs sh*tty and wrong. Yes. Are they bubbles. No.

Most of the time when I heard of affair bubble on here it was along the lines "MM loves you but only in the A bubble".

 

Is that supposed to mean that when he gets out of the bubble and goes home he suddenly feels nothing for OW? I certainly don't believe that.

[MissBee]

Most of the time when I heard of affair bubble on here it was along the lines "MM loves you but only in the A bubble".

 

Is that supposed to mean that when he gets out of the bubble and goes home he suddenly feels nothing for OW? I certainly don't believe that.

 

When feelings are discussed, for me, I always end up thinking: so what?

 

How does it benefit one to know that the MP "feels" some kind of great way about them if in the end they go home, or they are still a secret, or the relationship only exists in a compartmentalized part of their life that most people don't know about? I don't know...for me, that became insulting and crippling to know our relationship was mostly built on feelings but had no structures to hold it together in a satisfying way.

 

It's almost like if a MM had an OW locked in a chamber in his basement while his wife and family, that his friends and everyone else sees and knows and interact with, all live upstairs and unbeknownst to them all, there is an OW living in a basement apartment of this MM's metaphorical house (albeit for some, a very nice one). For all intents and purposes, when people come to the house, they don't even know he has a basement, they think upstairs is the whole house and that's his public life, and they have a great time with the family. Then at night, or when he can sneak away from his upstairs duties, the MM goes to the secret basement with roses, chocolates, and spends time loving the OW. He makes sure her apartment is nice, he cooks for her, he says he loves her and maybe takes her out of the basement to another town for vacation. But she goes right back in the basement where most people don't know she even exists as his lover. They may have an entire basement life together where they cook and clean and talk about the news and work and issues...but it's still a basement life, separate and apart from the upstairs life.

 

That's the bubble and in that case...does it make it better if the feelings don't go away when he is upstairs? Is that REALLY what matters at the end of the day, simply that he truly has fond feelings? That while he is upstairs playing with the kids, sleeping beside the wife, having sex with her, or having family movie night, he is thinking of you sometimes or even a lot? For me, I don't think that's enough.I don't care how you feel in your heart and if you think about me a lot if I'm still going to ONLY be your secret lover.

Edited March 3, 2013 by MissBee

[Pierre]

Most of the time when I heard of affair bubble on here it was along the lines "MM loves you but only in the A bubble".

 

Is that supposed to mean that when he gets out of the bubble and goes home he suddenly feels nothing for OW? I certainly don't believe that.

 

The guy is in love with the OW period.

 

The love may suffer outside the bubble after a d-day. But, it is real love, no doubt about it!

[stevie_23]

What about this scenario...

 

A MM and his OW actually end up really getting together. The MM leaves his wife and he and the OW move in together. All is well. The bubble is no longer existent, right?

 

But...during their A, they were mainly in a form of "fantasy" mode, or "ideal living" mode. They didn't live together so didn't always see either of their worst or most boring aspects. They didn't have to deal with life's downers together (though they most likely supported each other through their individual issues during the A). And any little niggling things were not able to be relevant yet.

 

But say once they move in together, they now have to live with MM's 3 kids, OW's 2 kids, 4 dogs, the fact MM works 25 hours a day, the fact OW hates dogs, and the fact that on their combined income (as opposed to the MM's ex-wife and his combined income, and the OW and her ex's combined income), they can't afford to live in anything besides a shoebox.

 

What if after say, 6 months of THIS, they break up. Were they still in the bubble even after the MM ended his marriage to be with the OW?

 

When exactly does this bubble (if it exists at all), actually burst in different scenarios? When one or both people realise they ONLY want to be with their AP in certain specific circumstances and if they could only be with them in their REAL life (say the situation described above), they wouldn't choose to be with them?

[Pierre]

What about this scenario...

 

A MM and his OW actually end up really getting together. The MM leaves his wife and he and the OW move in together. All is well. The bubble is no longer existent, right?

 

But...during their A, they were mainly in a form of "fantasy" mode, or "ideal living" mode. They didn't live together so didn't always see either of their worst or most boring aspects. They didn't have to deal with life's downers together (though they most likely supported each other through their individual issues during the A). And any little niggling things were not able to be relevant yet.

 

But say once they move in together, they now have to live with MM's 3 kids, OW's 2 kids, 4 dogs, the fact MM works 25 hours a day, the fact OW hates dogs, and the fact that on their combined income (as opposed to the MM's ex-wife and his combined income, and the OW and her ex's combined income), they can't afford to live in anything besides a shoebox.

 

What if after say, 6 months of THIS, they break up. Were they still in the bubble even after the MM ended his marriage to be with the OW?

 

When exactly does this bubble (if it exists at all), actually burst in different scenarios? When one or both people realise they ONLY want to be with their AP in certain specific circumstances and if they could only be with them in their REAL life (say the situation described above), they wouldn't choose to be with them?

 

If they get together there is no bubble.

 

Seeing each other having a BM is not what breaks the bubble. OW and mm may live like H and W and yet the mm is in a bubble. Obviously the OW is not in a bubble. However, her mm is in the bubble.

Edited March 3, 2013 by Pierre