The "Bubble" World of the A

[Silly_Girl]

Before LS I had never heard of the Affair Bubble.

 

I was very familiar, however, with the term Love Bubble.

[Got it]

What about this scenario...

 

A MM and his OW actually end up really getting together. The MM leaves his wife and he and the OW move in together. All is well. The bubble is no longer existent, right?

 

But...during their A, they were mainly in a form of "fantasy" mode, or "ideal living" mode. They didn't live together so didn't always see either of their worst or most boring aspects. They didn't have to deal with life's downers together (though they most likely supported each other through their individual issues during the A). And any little niggling things were not able to be relevant yet.

 

But say once they move in together, they now have to live with MM's 3 kids, OW's 2 kids, 4 dogs, the fact MM works 25 hours a day, the fact OW hates dogs, and the fact that on their combined income (as opposed to the MM's ex-wife and his combined income, and the OW and her ex's combined income), they can't afford to live in anything besides a shoebox.

 

What if after say, 6 months of THIS, they break up. Were they still in the bubble even after the MM ended his marriage to be with the OW?

 

When exactly does this bubble (if it exists at all), actually burst in different scenarios? When one or both people realise they ONLY want to be with their AP in certain specific circumstances and if they could only be with them in their REAL life (say the situation described above), they wouldn't choose to be with them?

 

Do I think some relationships (as it isn't just affairs) are done in a way that you may not see the person's real colors? Sure. I think many people realize when they marry someone that they weren't who they seemed to be when you first met. Shoot many women will say that about a guy when he is no longer that romantic soul who seems to live and breath for them and is now sitting on the couch with a hand down the pants a la Al Bundy.

 

So do I think that in some affairs you would see a part of a person? Sure. Do I think that is carte blanche in all affairs? No. Do I know how to tell you when that is happening than in others? Unfortunately no, it is usually something one can see in hindsight.

 

We take a gamble on people especially in romantic relationships. There is a saying you need to see someone through all four seasons before you really know them. I think it may take a number of years. But even with that you may never know. There is many a story where a person finds themselves tied to someone else that they are left scratching their heads wondering who this stranger is next to them.

[Spark1111]

Affair bubble or fog is, in many cases, extreme cognitive dissonance, two diametrically opposed beliefs, thoughts, feelings or actions as in:

 

I love my AP but do not want to leave my wife for her, and I love my wife but do not want to give up my AP.

 

Now to maintain cognitive dissonance over the long haul, one must continually lie and rationalize to one's self. This is confirmation bias.

 

When with the OW, thoughts of I deserve this because of a b and c.

 

When withe the wife and family, I deserve this two because of a, b and c.

 

What happens at DDay, especially with exposure, the tightly compartmentalized " bubbles" collide.

 

And maybe OW do not see what goes on at this point.

 

My H alternated between sadness and then anger, then arrogance, then tears....then back again.

 

he had so many false assumptions about me, about us, that I stared incredulously at him demanding to know how he could think that way?

 

He also had some false assumptions about his OW andI demanded to know, How could he treat her this way?

 

He was not exactly rational. Fog.

[Pierre]

I used the term "affair bubble" not to minimize or put down OWs and OMs.

 

I use the term to explain the common scenario where MM is madly in love with the OW but backs down after a d-day and throws the OW under the bus. The reason is not that the MM was lying or faking with the OW. I believe many wandering spouses are truly in love with the single AP.

 

So why do they throw the single AP under the bus? The only explanation is the clash of two compartments: The affair compartment (or bubble) and his home life with wife and kids. But, the love for the single AP is genuine.