Well not the other woman but still

[Jade23]

Hi,

 

Sorry for the length. I am not the other woman but I do have feelings for a married man.

 

About 8 months ago I met this married guy at work. He interviewed me (he wasn't my boss just team member) and accepted me for the job.

We bonded from the start and became good friends.He really looked out for me. He is happily married and loves his wife and children.

 

Anyways, 2 months ago I left the job and we kept in touch. I went to have lunch with him a few times and we met twice with another friend at a bar. I will admit that i wish he was single as I don't remember the last time I had chemistry with someone like I do with him.

 

I started a new job this week and it's right by my old work. So, being the nice guy that he is he offered to take me to work in the mornings. He started car pooling with this other guy. Yesterday, the other guy didn't come and we were alone. I didn't speak most of the way to work and he suddenly said out my name aloud...maybe to bring me back to life or just for the fun of it.

 

Now, many times when we are together and talk I will touch him on his arm- i guess coz of attraction. Yesterday on the way back from work I felt like a complete idiot. We were speaking and i touched him. So, he asked me why do I touch him. Nobody else touches him so it's strange. He looked at me for a reaction and I wanted to run out of the car. I just smiled and said 'well I don't know'.

He looked at me and said 'I thought u don't lie'. I just smiled. After that something on the road distracted him and I thought good that is the end of the questioning. But no it wasn't. He looked at me again with a smile and asked again. I smiled and said well i don't touch anybody else. I wasn't going to outright say well i have feelings for u. But he understood the reason and said something that he doesn't want it to happen and I mustn't ruin the relationship between us...

He then got a call from some girl from HR. I guess she told him that he was cute coz he looked at me and smiled -maybe a bit embarrassed and said to her 'u r also cute'. He has called me cute also a few times -in fact just the other day he said 'Bye cutie'.

 

Do you think he hates me? Why did he look at me when she called him cutie? Why the interrogation? Seems like he wanted to hear the reason I touch him.

[Survivor12]

It's time to gracefully back off. He doesn't hate you but if you continue to show your affection, you will end up making yourself look foolish. He told you that he has no romantic interest in you so the best thing you can do is accept it and not bring up the subject again. If you find that being around him is too difficult, it may be a good idea to find another way to get to work and to at least limit your contact with him.

[Jade23]

We were talking about innocent stuff and i touched his arm. He then tried to get out of me that I have feelings for him. I never ever told him that I like him more than a friend. I guess though its obvious.

[LadyGrey]

You sound very young and naive..........are you? Your post reminds me of high school stuff, no that's not an insult.

[Jade23]

I am very curious why you say that i am naive.

 

Thanks

[Survivor12]

We were talking about innocent stuff and i touched his arm. He then tried to get out of me that I have feelings for him. I never ever told him that I like him more than a friend. I guess though its obvious.

 

Well, it was obvious enough that he not only noticed but felt the need to call you out on it to let you know that he finds it inappropriate and is not interested. As you said, he "knew the reason", he was just letting you know that he did. Frankly, while a touch on the arm, in and of itself, does seem rather innocuous, it is likely that (however unwittingly) you have been giving off other flirtatious vibes as well that made him uncomfortable enough to speak up when he did.

 

Regardless, he has put you on notice that he is aware of your interest, told you that he is not interested, and asked you to stop. End of story.

[veryhappy]

He enjoys being a flirt, but he's not taking things further. He's probably feeling better by knowing someone responds. It's a game to him, and he doesn't want to be unfaithful, at least for now.

 

Let it go. Don't feel bad, he was obviously very aware of what was going on and playing into it. Become strictly paltonic and see if you can be friends, although I'd suggest lowering contact with him so you get over the attraction.

[JamesM]

I agree with the others. He notices how you touch him and wants you to know he knows. By mentioning it and bringing it in the open, he is letting you know that he is flattered but not interested. Being a married man myself, I admire his strategy.

 

Has he mentioned his wife to you on these morning trips? Does he tell you of family stories?

 

He is a good guy and one that is worthy of his wife. Please don't try to push it and make his life more difficult. He may actually have some feelings for you but he does not want to act on them. He loves his wife and is faithful to her. My guess is that he wasn't fond of the idea that he and you were alone.

 

BTW, read of the stories here and it may help you avoid the pain of dating a married man.

Edited March 1, 2013 by JamesM

[whichwayisup]

I am very curious why you say that i am naive.

 

Thanks

 

Do you think he hates me? Why did he look at me when she called him cutie? Why the interrogation? Seems like he wanted to hear the reason I touch him.

Why would you think he hates you? You carpool with him daily..You two have gone out to lunch a few times with mutual friends.

 

Naive too, because the guy is married and you're acting inappropriate by flirting with him intentionally and touching his arm. You may not be looking for an affair, but you are definately on the road to having one if you keep it up. You two are getting an ego feed out of this. Im sure he knows you have a crush on him and are attracted to him.

 

Bottom line is, this guy is married with kids - The friendship is pointless as you are not a part of his life. It's self serving and flirty, full of ego feeds. Have you met his wife?

[Jade23]

wife and he doesn't talk about her or his children . Here and there he mentions her. When I found a job he mentioned in a by the way thing that his wife also did.

 

By the way we don't carpool alone now but for 6 months we did. Now i don't have a car .

 

We have gone to lunch alone also-it's usually with coworkers but we have been alone on a few occasions. We went to a bar was with one other friend. He is always teasing me like a school kid and said the other day that i make him laugh. Him and his friend who works with him also told me they enjoy my company.

 

He has helped me out a lot and he is a wonderful person. It's nice to have someone like that look out for u. People at work have noticed the bond.

 

 

 

I don't want to have an affair but coz of my very low self confidence i was hoping that someone like him could be attracted to me.

You may not be looking for an affair, but you are definately on the road to having one if you keep it up - it won't happen - even if i wanted it to happen as you noticed he is not into me at all.

[whichwayisup]

I suggest you work on yourself and gain some confidence and become more secure. Some men love to target (selfishly, not maliciously) insecure women and use them for an ego boost. He may not start an A with you (physical one) but he WILL allow it to go emotional. Sorry but if he wasn't interested at all, he would back off and for sure use the "I'm too busy" line on you and do more to avoid you so he wouldn't have to be around you. He isn't interested in an actual A, but he certainly will go along for the ride on an emotional level (I'm sure he enjoys that you are crushing on him) but it WILL DO DAMAGE TO YOU. You probably think of him a lot, when you're not with him.

 

Anyway, if I were you, I'd focus more on women friends and bonding with them and spend less time focusing on him. Date men who are single, spend time with single men, not a married one.

[Jade23]

him too much.

I agree that I should concentrate less on him. For sure he knows how I feel but he hasn't backed off. He is the one that offered to take me to work. He is the one that phoned me last Saturday to tell me he thinks he knows why I don't get called in for a lot of interviews...a day later I found a job He also keeps in touch.

 

But my friend wants me to meet this guy-single Hope it works out. And yes i need to work on my confidence...for sure

[Jade23]

then so is he. For half a year he came alone with me and i always took the car-i had a car company. He offered without me asking. I told him it could be inconvenient for him and he said it's not. I let it go and the day before I started working he phoned to let me know what time to be ready. I offered to pay him for petrol.

 

 

About the bond- you are hockeyfan in my opinion way off. If we didn't have some kind of chemistry he wouldn't have stayed in touch after I left and wouldn't have arranged for us to go out to a bar after work. Even my close girlfriend from the work has no idea that i had a crush on him -and i know that for a fact. On the contrary I got remarks from someone that he cares about me a lot and the way that he looks at me.

When I needed to go somewhere during work he came with me to support me. When I left the job he is the one that tried to find a budget for me so that I could stay - a coworker phoned to tell me that X really wants me to stay and tried to get a budget for me although it's not his responsibility. He later also told me that.

My boss always tell me if there will be a budget and a position opens I don't have to worry coz X will definitely look out for me.

 

I don't want to have an affair and I do agree that I shouldn't touch him and should act around him like I do around my girl friends.

[LadyGrey]

Do you know what "grooming" is? I don't think you do but I suggest you look it up. This guy is grooming you to be the ow and you are falling for it, hook line and sinker.

 

If you don't protect yourself, no one else will, and you'd be smart to protect yourself from this man and an affair by arming yourself with reading here and elsewhere about how these things work.

[underwater2010]

I am going to take the hard stance on you. HE IS MARRIED WITH KIDS. Back off. He has said he is not interested, maybe in the flirting but not a relationship. HE IS UNAVAILABLE!!! Stop the foolish behavior and find another knight in shining armour. FYI the next one should be single.

[scatterd]

You need to back off he is married. What do you think his wife will do when she finds out? He is telling you he does not want an affair but if it happened what do you think he will say to his wife? I think he would throw you under the bus and say he told you he did not want this and you kept coming on to him. Listen to the people here that have already done that and do some reading here. You are playing with fire. Innocent as it seems this is how affairs begin and many people get hurt. If you continue this there will be a day you wish you had never met him.

[Survivor12]

I don't want to have an affair but coz of my very low self confidence i was hoping that someone like him could be attracted to me.

You may not be looking for an affair, but you are definately on the road to having one if you keep it up - it won't happen - even if i wanted it to happen as you noticed he is not into me at all.

 

It is obvious from what you have said (and the fact that you posted in "The Other Man/Woman" forum that you DO want an affair. So, why is it that you are trying to pretend otherwise?

 

You have been offered some good advice here and you have dismissed it all. What exactly is it that you want from us?

[ThatJustHappened]

wife and he doesn't talk about her or his children . Here and there he mentions her. When I found a job he mentioned in a by the way thing that his wife also did.

 

By the way we don't carpool alone now but for 6 months we did. Now i don't have a car .

 

We have gone to lunch alone also-it's usually with coworkers but we have been alone on a few occasions. We went to a bar was with one other friend. He is always teasing me like a school kid and said the other day that i make him laugh. Him and his friend who works with him also told me they enjoy my company.

 

He has helped me out a lot and he is a wonderful person. It's nice to have someone like that look out for u. People at work have noticed the bond.

 

 

 

I don't want to have an affair but coz of my very low self confidence i was hoping that someone like him could be attracted to me.

You may not be looking for an affair, but you are definately on the road to having one if you keep it up - it won't happen - even if i wanted it to happen as you noticed he is not into me at all.

 

Yup. You're right. He's not into you. I think he enjoys flirting, and he enjoys the attention you're giving him, but I don't think he likes you in that way. By continuing to keep him in your life, you're just feeding his ego, and bruising your own. What's the point?