Saying goodbye

[Wellington]

First time here. First time being the married OW to a MM. Our relationship has been ongoing for 2 years. He has tried to end it and so have I. MANY times. I finally ended it this week. Told him I fell in love and I needed to get my marriage back on track and I couldn't see him anymore. He wrote me back immediately saying he understood and he loved me too but it was only goodbye for now.

 

It has been a few days and I am miserable. NC and I have not contacted him. How do you get past this. Part of me wishes he would contact me again, other parts of me know it is for the best. Do you think he will let it be or judging by our previous history, is this far from over? Should I respond if he does contact me? This is so hard.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Pretend your not involved in this and read your post. Its 100% obvious that this is far from over. I don't know how its going to go down, but you two will be in contact with each other before long. And by 'long' I mean before the month is over if you even make it a week.

[carhill]

It has been a few days and I am miserable. NC and I have not contacted him. How do you get past this.

IME, one day at a time. In my case, 'goodbye' was said in person, directly, with the words 'I have to let you go' and one day at a time took a couple couple years of NC to settle out

Part of me wishes he would contact me again, other parts of me know it is for the best.

That's normal.

Do you think he will let it be or judging by our previous history, is this far from over?

Not enough information to comment with any authority. Is he a man who takes 'no' as an answer, or merely a challenge to get to yes? That dynamic can provide guidance.

Should I respond if he does contact me?

Up to you. If you do, the 'teeth' in goodbye morph into 'gums'. You'll end up gumming this to death.

This is so hard.

Yup, even harder when one is single and has no companionship, as you have from your spouse. Perhaps that focus can assist. Good luck.

[spice4life]

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough time right now. I know its hard. Try to stay strong and give yourself some goals to reach with NC. When you make one goal then set anothr one. You can also download a call blocker on your phone (if you have a smart phone) so you don't have to know if he contacts you or not. It will give a sense of peace while you refocus on your marriage. Block his email and right click and delete on your junk folder without looking that way you won't know if he has sent any emails either. Do whatever you can to give yourself the peace you need to get through this.

 

Good luck to you and I wish you success. I know its hard though.

[jwi71]

First time here. First time being the married OW to a MM. Our relationship has been ongoing for 2 years. He has tried to end it and so have I. MANY times. I finally ended it this week. Told him I fell in love and I needed to get my marriage back on track and I couldn't see him anymore. He wrote me back immediately saying he understood and he loved me too but it was only goodbye for now.

 

It has been a few days and I am miserable. NC and I have not contacted him. How do you get past this. Part of me wishes he would contact me again, other parts of me know it is for the best. Do you think he will let it be or judging by our previous history, is this far from over? Should I respond if he does contact me? This is so hard.

 

Well, if you love your OM why not file for D and attempt to become a "legitimate" couple?

 

What's wrong with that?

[whichwayisup]

You both are married. What is it that you're wanting to truly happen? To leave, divorce your spouses and end up together as a real couple? If not, do you want the affair to continue? On the expense of your spouses, who really don't deserve this at all. What about your kids, if either of you have any? Are you (both) willing to bust up your families to be together? Decide what it is you want to do and do it.

 

No good can come of this if you reply back if he contacts you.

 

Hate to say it, but you both are FAR from over, get used to having many more months of NC and breaking NC, slipping back into the A possibly.

 

Why not tell your husband the truth? This way he can decide if he wants to stay married to you, or divorce?

[Wellington]

Problem, I have already mentally "checked out" from my marriage. It has been struggling for a long time. Long before OM came into the picture. I have legitimately sat H down to discuss parting ways. MM's situation is more difficult. (That's not a line from him-it truly is-more dynamics). I would be with MM in a heartbeat. He will never leave his spouse yet I would leave mine. Which is why I keep trying to end it with OM. We are at different places. I explained all of this to him. I know he loves me too but it will never be. I want him so badly yet I am in self preservation mode right now. I guess I secretly wish if I don't contact him, he will realize how badly he misses me? The logical side of my brain is saying don't be selfish. Pray he takes this time to reconnect in his marriage. I just want him. More than I have ever wanted anyone to be a part of my every day life. I'm trying to be strong. Happy on the outside but breaking to pieces inside.

[whichwayisup]

Problem, I have already mentally "checked out" from my marriage. It has been struggling for a long time. Long before OM came into the picture. I have legitimately sat H down to discuss parting ways.

Deal with this first. Tell your husband that you are emotionally distanced and detached from him still and you two really need to make a decision once and for all. It's only fair to do this, othewise you're staying in a marriage and playing house, it's fake.

 

 

MM's situation is more difficult. (That's not a line from him-it truly is-more dynamics). I would be with MM in a heartbeat. He will never leave his spouse yet I would leave mine. Which is why I keep trying to end it with OM. We are at different places. I explained all of this to him. I know he loves me too but it will never be. I want him so badly yet I am in self preservation mode right now. I guess I secretly wish if I don't contact him, he will realize how badly he misses me? The logical side of my brain is saying don't be selfish. Pray he takes this time to reconnect in his marriage. I just want him. More than I have ever wanted anyone to be a part of my every day life. I'm trying to be strong. Happy on the outside but breaking to pieces inside.

So you know he is not willing to divorce and start a new life with you. He's honest about that, that's good. And it seems you'd just be happy having the affair, even if you are second fiddle. Just like you are making your husband second fiddle. Even if he does miss you, we're talking affair realm, he still isn't leaving or divorcing his wife.

 

Anyway, settle your own marriage, divorce and be alone. Staying your marriage for the sake of it IS unfair to your husband.

[jwi71]

Problem, I have already mentally "checked out" from my marriage. It has been struggling for a long time. Long before OM came into the picture. I have legitimately sat H down to discuss parting ways.

 

Why haven't you filed yet?

If its a dead M - and if you aren't willing to try and save it - then just file for D and move on. No need to stay in a deeply unsatisfying M. Get out. Give yourself the CHANCE to be happy.

 

MM's situation is more difficult. (That's not a line from him-it truly is-more dynamics).

 

As gently as I can - so effin' what. Your MM isnt here YOU are. So I'll focus on you. The only thing that does is excuse his lack of doing anything positive in his life/M. Lets face it - n A is a poor band aid to living well.

 

I would be with MM in a heartbeat.

 

And you would crash and burn.

Why? You haven't straightened out your own shyt yet and you will carry that into this new R with him. That baggage, and the weight of transitioning from A to "legit" R, would be too much. It'd crash and burn.

 

So...instead of FANTASIZING about that, WORK on getting out of your M - or saving it. Either path you take - the MOM is out of the picture for the short term.

 

He will never leave his spouse yet I would leave mine.

 

Then why do you delay the inevitable "goodbye"?

If this is true then it MUST happen. And everyday you spend stuck in your M and every day pining for the so-called impossible, is another day you are NOT healing so you CAN be happy.

 

Which is why I keep trying to end it with OM. We are at different places. I explained all of this to him. I know he loves me too but it will never be. I want him so badly yet I am in self preservation mode right now. I guess I secretly wish if I don't contact him, he will realize how badly he misses me?

 

Self-awareness is a good thing. And I also agree that is at least some of it - maybe all. Only YOU know.

 

Why not send an anonymous letter, email, phone call to his W outing the A. Maybe if HE won't end it his W will. What's wrong with that? Create a throw-away email and email her...your H is having an with this tramp <your name>. This would also deflect suspicion that you did this from your MOM especially if you bad mouth yourself. And use your name too. See what I'm saying?

 

The logical side of my brain is saying don't be selfish. Pray he takes this time to reconnect in his marriage. I just want him. More than I have ever wanted anyone to be a part of my every day life. I'm trying to be strong. Happy on the outside but breaking to pieces inside.

 

You cant want him to reconnect in his M and want a future with him

Its ok - its ok to be lost and confused and not knowing which way is up

(booyah - bonus points for the pun).

 

I would first settle your own M - go or stay.

Your MOM is not 13 so I trust he's old enough to settle his M out - one way or the other.

 

Time to get strong - you DON'T need this MOM nor this A.

Lets get our legs under ourselves first...then worry about him.

 

(a cynic would say he has no incentive to do anything...he can stay M and have you on the side - you are arguing that very thing here on LS - how he "cant leave" yet cant "stay away").

[Cali408]

Cue up the Goodbye Girl by that dude from Bread

 

Saying goodbye, doesn't mean forever....

[Cali408]

In all serious, there is some interesting advice above. Set up a fake email account and out him? Why hurt an innocent person and family? Yes the husband shouldn't be having an affair but why have collateral damage?

 

And let's say you do, not only will you have to work through the burden of trying to make an affair a legitimate relationship, then you'll have on your conscience that you ratted out your partner. As well as two people going through traumatic stress of divorce.

 

Here is what you should do. Give your marriage one last try. Marriages survive affairs. In some weird way, they improve because there is less taking for granted all the way around.

 

If after 3-6 months it's not improving. Get divorced. You don't leave a marriage for someone else. You leave a marriage because it can't be repaired.

 

In the mean time, don't have any contact with this guy. Don't tell him ANYTHING. Here is what will happen. He will go crazy, if he loves you enough, about you dating someone else other than him if you become available. That's how we're wound.

Edited March 1, 2013 by Cali408

[Wellington]

For the record. I would never "out" anyone. I have no reason to hurt the W. she has done nothing wrong. We have.

 

I am going to avoid all contact. Not out of playing some malicious mind game with him. (Women go crazy when we have no contact too-we are just a tad more transparent with our feelings). I will continue NC for the sole reason that my hurt has to stop at some point right? I do hope he at least "thinks" of me. I don't want him to go "crazy" wondering what I am doing so maybe a little response (if he does contact me) to the effect of, Im great thank you, but I won't see him.

 

As for working on my marriage. I've tried. He has zero interest. Hasn't in a long while which is what was the catalyst for all of this in the first place. I'm not even attracted to him any longer. My MM made me feel alive again and I will miss that. Immensely.

[ComingInHot]

Wellington; "As for working on my marriage. I've tried. He has zero interest. Hasn't in a long while which is what was the catalyst for all of this in the first place. I'm not even attracted to him any longer."

 

And... you're doing what about the above?

[jwi71]

For the record. I would never "out" anyone. I have no reason to hurt the W. she has done nothing wrong. We have.

 

Good. This was the reply I was hoping to get.

 

So...do you believe that she is hurt now or does her hurt begin IF she finds out? In other words, are you hurting her by having an A with her H?

 

Clearly, I'm trying to get you to see how contact with MM is NOT beneficial - for you, for he MOM, for his W. It brings nothing but pain to all involved.

 

If you accept this, and I'm skipping ahead a bit, then NC should be easy.

 

I doubt you love the MOM per se - rather he is a salve for what is missing in your life. In fact, given his capacity to cheat - he's not likely to be good dating material.

 

You are using him and he is using you. Its a nasty cycle. Witness how it affects YOU.

 

I am going to avoid all contact. Not out of playing some malicious mind game with him. (Women go crazy when we have no contact too-we are just a tad more transparent with our feelings). I will continue NC for the sole reason that my hurt has to stop at some point right? I do hope he at least "thinks" of me. I don't want him to go "crazy" wondering what I am doing so maybe a little response (if he does contact me) to the effect of, Im great thank you, but I won't see him.

 

This is prolly your best long term solution.

Easy? Nope...never said that.

But for the best.

 

I would worry less about him and what he thinks of you and focus more on YOU and your life.

 

As for working on my marriage. I've tried. He has zero interest. Hasn't in a long while which is what was the catalyst for all of this in the first place. I'm not even attracted to him any longer. My MM made me feel alive again and I will miss that. Immensely.

 

Im sorry you have to face that.

I am, however, seeing some silver lining in the A - it helped show you what life COULD be. So get it.

 

And we already know its not with a MOM - who has already said "he can't". Find a single guy. Learn from this failed M and be BETTER going forward. A's rarely lead us to a happy place. This is one of those cases where an A can IMPROVE your life. It showed you how life can be.

 

But don't think an A is a healthy place - it NEVER is - he isn't willing to leave so continuing is only to YOUR detriment. Just read LS if you doubt me.

 

End your A, end your M and BEGIN a new chapter of your life.

[ThatJustHappened]

First time here. First time being the married OW to a MM. Our relationship has been ongoing for 2 years. He has tried to end it and so have I. MANY times. I finally ended it this week. Told him I fell in love and I needed to get my marriage back on track and I couldn't see him anymore. He wrote me back immediately saying he understood and he loved me too but it was only goodbye for now.

 

It has been a few days and I am miserable. NC and I have not contacted him. How do you get past this. Part of me wishes he would contact me again, other parts of me know it is for the best. Do you think he will let it be or judging by our previous history, is this far from over? Should I respond if he does contact me? This is so hard.

 

It is not possible to try to end something. Either you end it or you don't.

[Wellington]

CIH.

 

Let me first off say. I'm sorry. From the bottom of my (as it may appear -empty) heart, I am so truly sorry. I NEVER intended to "take", "borrow", "steal" anyone's husband EVER. Trust me, I feel your pain. My H did it to me which is such a conundrum in itself. I understand the pain, so inflicting it was NOT my intent.

 

I met my OM online. We were both sad, lonely, felt unwanted, neglected, my H had had an affair on me etc. it doesn't matter the excuse. What is done is done.

 

My H blamed me for his affair. Said I put my kids first and he felt neglected. I tried, with every fibre of my being to make things right. My H in turn, rejected me, neglected himself, slept in another room and gave up on "us". Believe me, I "tried".

 

My ONLY reason for going onto a married dating site was to find someone inMY situation. Someone I KNEW would have the same wants, desires, and had the same to lose, so did not want to "change their situation". I found that with my OM. Call me a "douchebag" whatever...I deserve it. I had NO intention of changing my situation.

 

Once I met with my OM, I was BLOWN away. Maybe he was on his best behavior I don't know. We clicked in every way possible. We became fast friends more than ANY thing else. I NEVER intended to fall in love. That was against our "rules", but inevitably it happened.

 

I am truly trying to do the right thing by ending this once and for all. I love him. I also love him enough to let him go. His situation is tough. The more I learn of it, the more respect I have for his wife and his family and I refuse to take what precious time they have together away.

 

Please understand. I have been on BOTH sides of the fence and I am showing respect to his wife by being the one to end it. I need to know that I (as well) am going to be okay. I REALLY love him. With all my heart.

[stevie_23]

I'm so sorry for your situation and how hard this is...my ex-MM ended things with me 3 months ago because we couldn't properly be together and he couldn't go on in the affair any longer (almost 2 years we were together). I know how hard it is to lose that love and companionship, that "alive" feeling. It's devastating, even when you feel it's for the best and you're making that choice yourself.

 

I'm also sorry about your marriage. It really does sound over and has been that way for quite some time.

 

You seem quite self aware. You seem to know ultimately what's best for you, and have been willing to step into this world of pain in order to get to a better place in the long run. This is very admirable.

 

Would you consider leaving your marriage? Would you be happier on your own or still married to your H? Does some part of you wish / hope that if you DID leave your marriage that your MM would find out and decide to leave his too and really be with you? I guess that'd be the dream, huh? *sigh*

 

It seems you are only willing to be with your MM if you can REALLY be with him. If he is no longer with his wife. I think if he turned around and said that he'd leave his wife (and actually followed through), then you'd get a divorce ASAP and be pretty damn happy. But...because this won't happen, the only alternative is for the affair to end, which you've taken steps to do.

 

You know that you can't be happy as the OW...you've established that. So it seems unless the dream scenario somehow occurs, you can only keep moving forward. Try to maintain NC as it WILL help both of you try to come to terms with the fact it really is over and you can't be with him anymore for your own wellbeing...

 

Good luck.

[ComingInHot]

Wellington;

Okay ...

I'm trying to figure out if you answered my question or not*

Maybe your post was you going through things in your mind and heart which I totally get and what LS is all about*

I certainly hope your "sorry" wasn't for me in any way and more for well, for yourself to begin with.

You've read some of the responses so far, & the pattern is pointing to ending your M that you seem dissatisfied with (for good reason).

 

So, for simplicity's sake, let me ask again* what are you thinking about doing about your own M?

Are you both or have you both considered Counseling? Or is he the guy who won't go?

 

It truly does take both you & H to make your M work. If you both aren't on board w/that, it just won't be what it's supposed to be.

 

And I know I've posted this before but I feel it begs being repeated, " Would you rather live in a broken home or come from one (kids included)?"

[beenburned]

Wellington,

 

It takes BOTH spouses working on a marriage, to make it successful. If you want a divorce, get one. But don't stay with your H out of guilt/obligation.

 

I'm confused about your next to the last paragraph.

 

You said the more you find out about his wife/marriage, the more respect you have for her. You stated you did not want to take what precious time they have together away.

 

Please explain this. Is she dying?

 

You said you met MM on a married dating website. If this man is actively seeking out sex while his wife is dying, he is scum!!!

[Wellington]

Stevie, thank you. I don't feel very admirable. But thank you

 

CIH, Intend on getting my ducks in a row and leaving. It's like beating a dead horse. There is no communication. It's me talking, him with a deer caught in headlights look, no response. No affection, nothing. He sleeps in the spare room. Clearly his actions indicate he is not invested. Been like this for awhile now.

 

Been burned, no, she is not dying. He has a job which has become increasingly demanding hence he is travelling ALOT. It cant be easy on the W and kids. It contributed to my decision to end it as well. I refused to be another reason he missed time with his family so our time together decreased dramatically which is helping me adjust. He's not scum, honest. He's just someone who was in the same situation as I am in.

 

Thanks so much everyone. Just talking about it has made me gain SO much perspective. It truly is getting easier. Every day. I will always love him. I hope a part of him will always care/love me too.

[beenburned]

Thank you for explaining!

 

Lots of Hs travel for their jobs, but they are not seeking out sex on a married dating website. It sounds like a lousy excuse for cheating. Please examine these facts with your head instead of letting emotions overrule!

[psm04]

First time here. First time being the married OW to a MM. Our relationship has been ongoing for 2 years. He has tried to end it and so have I. MANY times. I finally ended it this week. Told him I fell in love and I needed to get my marriage back on track and I couldn't see him anymore. He wrote me back immediately saying he understood and he loved me too but it was only goodbye for now.

 

It has been a few days and I am miserable. NC and I have not contacted him. How do you get past this. Part of me wishes he would contact me again, other parts of me know it is for the best. Do you think he will let it be or judging by our previous history, is this far from over? Should I respond if he does contact me? This is so hard.

 

Hi Wellingon, your story seems so similar to mine. I also am a married OW to a MM. Going on for a couple of years, and we have tried to end it so many many times, with no luck. Each time, we came back stronger. We actually found success back in December, and went with minimal contact (we work together, so we had to have that), and I kept wondering if he was over it etc., so I made the BIG mistake of emailing him and asking him that. Needless to say, that took us all the way back to square one. I feel like there is no way to end this, and it is miserable. I'd say from my experience that if you truly want this to be over (which sounds like you don't), you cannot contact him, no matter how much you wonder what he's feeling, or if he's over you etc. If you do, all the effort that you put in to end it will be gone. Again, you have to WANT for it to be over before any of this is going to work.

 

Letting go of someone is hard, especially when you fall in love with them. My MM and I are in that mess, and it's harder for us to end things when we enjoy talking to each other so much. Oh, and we tried the whole 'let's just be friends' thing too, and it failed miserably. We have both admitted that we can never be buddies. But we don't want to end it either, regardless of the good advice that I have received from this forum. What I'm trying to do now is to still keep talking to him (at work, sometimes online) but not do the physical stuff.

 

Good luck with everything :-) I so feel your pain. I really hope that you work things out.

[Wellington]

PSM,

 

I had to giggle. Your story did sound so much like mine. I read your "venting" post. I think we are involved with the same MOM. Lol....our interactions are all based on HIS boundaries/rules as well. I am glad I found this forum. It has helped me put so much into perspective.

 

If you care about/love someone you do whatever you can to make it work/see them. It's that simple. He said "I love you". Maybe he meant it, maybe he didn't. In retrospect, I am realizing that I did the majority of the accommodating. Our relationship revolved around what was convenient for him.

 

I am feeling better every day. But I still love him.....gonna go bang my head off a few walls now......:/

[ComingInHot]

Wellington,

Sounds like talking about D or Anything w/your H is Not working towards your goal.

 

Side note: I RARELY am an advocate for D. I m more of a R girl.

 

There r times when the M is in fact over as seems to be the case w/you. So, maybe no more talking w/your husband and start talking w/a D attorney.

Present D papers.

No trying to talk, just his signature.

Your next adventure awaits... hopefully w/a single, available, UN attached Man*

All my best!

CIH

[psm04]

PSM,

 

I had to giggle. Your story did sound so much like mine. I read your "venting" post. I think we are involved with the same MOM. Lol....our interactions are all based on HIS boundaries/rules as well. I am glad I found this forum. It has helped me put so much into perspective.

 

If you care about/love someone you do whatever you can to make it work/see them. It's that simple. He said "I love you". Maybe he meant it, maybe he didn't. In retrospect, I am realizing that I did the majority of the accommodating. Our relationship revolved around what was convenient for him.

 

I am feeling better every day. But I still love him.....gonna go bang my head off a few walls now......:/

 

Wouldn't that be funny if we were both involved with the same man lol.

 

I actually brought up the fact that I was feeling like I was making myself available more than he was. In the very beginning stages, it was basically me waiting around for him to be available. It has gotten much better now. He told me that he will be there and wants to be there for me, but that he has constraints, which I understand. I have stopped making myself available whenever he wants me to be now.

 

I think that your MM loves you in some ways, just like mine does with me. I don't know how it could have lasted this long if there were no feelings. But, it is pure torture to be in that situation, especially with the feelings. At the same time, it's torture to not be! Ugh! I am glad that you have found the strength to end things though. I'd love to know how it goes. Wish there was a way to private message on this forum, since our stories are so similar! Haven't seen a way so far.