Saying goodbye

[Wellington]

Hi PSM. If I figure out a way, I'll let you know....would be nice to have a PM feature for sure.

 

Are you still IN your A? I'm having a hard time believing he loves me after reading so many of these posts which is making me feel even worse. I ended it, but it didn't sound as if he was willing to say goodbye. I don't know why I sit here and over analyze it. I shouldn't care but I do. (Hanging my head in shame). I would like to think (judging by what ALOT have said here) that I was more than just a piece of *#*. Do you ever wonder if your MOM/AP was having an affair on YOU? I just put a lot of stock into the whole "L" word and I NEVER actually said it until I ended it. The A became too real once those feelings began to surface. He had said it a few times throughout but I ignored them.

 

Goodness, if anyone ever told me they were thinking of an affair I would tell them not to, although if I had to do this all over again with my MM, I would in a heartbeat. How messed up is that?! Is it too early to drink?!

[whichwayisup]

He may love you, a lot, but not enough to change his life and give up all that knows.

 

He is just happy having the A, nothing more, nothing less. You deserve more than table scraps, being second fiddle.

[stevie_23]

I will always love him. I hope a part of him will always care/love me too.

 

This is how I feel about my ex-MM too.

[waterwoman]

I'm having a hard time believing he loves me after reading so many of these posts which is making me feel even worse. QUOTE]

 

Oh wellington I'm on the other side of this (the side you were on before) but I sympathise with this sentiment. I came here 2m after d-day feeling fairly confident we were on the right track with reconciliation and had the stuffing knocked out of me by some of the things I read. BUT on the whole LS had been a useful learning experience - other people's truths don't have to be yours but they can add something to your own vision.

 

Do you think you can reconcile with your H after both affairs? Good luck x

[psm04]

Hi PSM. If I figure out a way, I'll let you know....would be nice to have a PM feature for sure.

 

Are you still IN your A? I'm having a hard time believing he loves me after reading so many of these posts which is making me feel even worse. I ended it, but it didn't sound as if he was willing to say goodbye. I don't know why I sit here and over analyze it. I shouldn't care but I do. (Hanging my head in shame). I would like to think (judging by what ALOT have said here) that I was more than just a piece of *#*. Do you ever wonder if your MOM/AP was having an affair on YOU? I just put a lot of stock into the whole "L" word and I NEVER actually said it until I ended it. The A became too real once those feelings began to surface. He had said it a few times throughout but I ignored them.

 

Goodness, if anyone ever told me they were thinking of an affair I would tell them not to, although if I had to do this all over again with my MM, I would in a heartbeat. How messed up is that?! Is it too early to drink?!

 

Yes, unfortunately, I'm in some type of A. We have only had one physical encounter this year, but the fact that we talk means that the emotional A is still going on. The only way I think that it could completely be over is if we stopped talking completely, but neither one of us is really willing to do that. But we really should! Argh! And, about him having an affair on me, no I don't think that he did/does. I do trust him on that. This whole situation was new to both of us, and neither one of us intended to mess around on our spouses.

 

I also would strongly discourage affairs, since they are pure torture, especially when more than the physical feelings are involved. We definitely have a lot more emotional investment than the physical one because we can go months without ever touching each other, but we can't go a few days without saying hi..

 

So are you still in NC with your guy? It's good that you guys don't work or live close to each other. Believe me, it is so hard to go NC if you work together. Has he tried to contact you? Stay strong (although I can't take my advice lol)! I hope that the pain goes away, or at least becomes bearable for you as time goes on.

[Pierre]

Hi PSM. If I figure out a way, I'll let you know....would be nice to have a PM feature for sure.

 

Are you still IN your A? I'm having a hard time believing he loves me after reading so many of these posts which is making me feel even worse. I ended it, but it didn't sound as if he was willing to say goodbye. I don't know why I sit here and over analyze it. I shouldn't care but I do. (Hanging my head in shame). I would like to think (judging by what ALOT have said here) that I was more than just a piece of *#*. Do you ever wonder if your MOM/AP was having an affair on YOU? I just put a lot of stock into the whole "L" word and I NEVER actually said it until I ended it. The A became too real once those feelings began to surface. He had said it a few times throughout but I ignored them.

 

Goodness, if anyone ever told me they were thinking of an affair I would tell them not to, although if I had to do this all over again with my MM, I would in a heartbeat. How messed up is that?! Is it too early to drink?!

 

If your H did not have an OW your marriage would be in better shape. Could you ar least try to meet the emotional needs of your H. Do you give him sex? Why did he have to go outside the marriage to get sex? I think this is the root of all your troubles. You are not making your H happy.

[Tenacity]

Create a throw-away email and email her...your H is having an with this tramp <your name>.

 

Are you seriously for real???

 

This is your advice to someone who comes on the OW board for support on how to get past the pain of breakup of an A?

[Tenacity]

Wellington - many of us have been where you are. It's up to you what happens next. He will likely contact you again.

 

You can choose... but you already told us that he admitted that he is not going to leave his spouse. So what outcome are you wanting? He's NOT going to change his mind (and that's more honesty than most of us received, actually).

 

You have to deal with your marriage and the A. I'm sure the opportunity to continue the A will be there, as soon as he contacts you again. Given that he has admitted that he won't leave his spouse, and you want out of your marriage, do you want to spend another six months or year or two years or six years or ten years (like me) trying to ignore all of that? Or do you want to admit reality now and live your live without wasting years on end?

 

We can't decide that for you - it's your decision. Warning - the decision that seems 'easy' and less painful now, will likely give you neverending pain years from now if you put it off.

[Wellington]

Oh PSM, your story is so similar to mine.

 

We are more emotionally connected and don't see each other ALOT. When we did..wow.

 

So, I did tell him I was done. We fought and I told him to leave me alone. Was doing well and got sucked in.....again. A nice message and I responded. It was schmooze, schmooze and he wanted to see me badly blah blah blah. It really did suck me in again. Now, Im getting, I'll let you know if I can see you and hardly any response. Hot, cold, hot, cold....so frustrating.

 

Why, why, why do I let myself fall for the crap? I am so much smarter than this. I hate being treated as a YOYO.

 

So beyond done.....

[Wellington]

Pierre, I am stunned that you would imply that MY not giving my husband SEX is the root of all of our evils!! Are you kidding me?!?!

 

Sex is not the end all and be all of a marriage. There are more elements to it. For the record the no sex is HIS issue, NOT mine. I've tried for several years. He has no use for it or me for that matter. He was the one that had an affair first. Not that that was the catalyst for my affair. He never tried to make things right between us after his affair. Swept it under the rug and carried on. He does not try.

[imperfectangel]

Hot, cold, hot, cold....so frustrating.

 

Why, why, why do I let myself fall for the crap? I am so much smarter than this. I hate being treated as a YOYO.

 

So beyond done.....

 

 

My ex mm blew hot and cold all the time one minute I was the best thing ever then.... I'm lucky if he'd reply to a text/email etc

 

There's only so much if this that you can take but why why they act like that I have no idea

[Wellington]

Orr, how about.

 

If you love something, set it free.

 

If it comes back,

 

MOVE!!

[psm04]

Oh PSM, your story is so similar to mine.

 

We are more emotionally connected and don't see each other ALOT. When we did..wow.

 

So, I did tell him I was done. We fought and I told him to leave me alone. Was doing well and got sucked in.....again. A nice message and I responded. It was schmooze, schmooze and he wanted to see me badly blah blah blah. It really did suck me in again. Now, Im getting, I'll let you know if I can see you and hardly any response. Hot, cold, hot, cold....so frustrating.

 

Why, why, why do I let myself fall for the crap? I am so much smarter than this. I hate being treated as a YOYO.

 

So beyond done.....

 

Wow, considering that you have been going through a similar situation, I'm so impressed and inspired by your choice. It makes me believe that maybe I could do it too. And although you got 'sucked back in', you have it in you to end this for good. My MM is a master at the 'hot cold' thing, and it has helped me with seeing reality in some ways. I've actually been standing up for myself a little more. He wanted to meet with me yesterday (that means make out), and I didn't, and I'm not making myself available like I used to. I'm going to tell him very soon (I'm going on a trip, so can't deal with it right now) that I'm not going to be doing this. Especially since he has made it clear that we are not going to be together. I posted something on here earlier about how affairs enable some people to feel better in their marriages, and i believe that my MM does this, and I'm not going to be that enabler anymore. He is going to have to try to fix his marriage issues and issues with himself without me, because I'm constantly feeling terrible and unhappy.

 

Remember, the next time when he goes hot and contacts you with something sweet, think about all the times when he didn't do that, and wasn't there for you when you needed him. You can even write a list about events/situations that you can refer to when you feel like you are getting sucked back in. I've been doing that as well, and I have found that it has helped a lot.

 

I'm so glad that I found this site, and stories like yours, since reading these posts have really helped me with taking my rose colored glasses off.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Remember, the next time when he goes hot and contacts you with something sweet, think about all the times when he didn't do that, and wasn't there for you when you needed him. You can even write a list about events/situations that you can refer to when you feel like you are getting sucked back in. I've been doing that as well, and I have found that it has helped a lot.

 

I'm so glad that I found this site, and stories like yours, since reading these posts have really helped me with taking my rose colored glasses off.

 

 

my story is also a lot like yours. i hate the hot/cold and i feel so empowered and angry and ready to stop and then he pulls me back under.

like, he said he woiuld come by yesterday-- then never said anything until i texted and he was just like "oh, can't make it." ... like it was whatever. so, this morning I tried to ignore him at work and he was SO clingy and needy (knowing I was upset...) then earlier was loving, because they sense when we start to pull away or are coming to our senses. i can't even count the number of times i've said 'no more.' i want to mean it.

[psm04]

my story is also a lot like yours. i hate the hot/cold and i feel so empowered and angry and ready to stop and then he pulls me back under.

like, he said he woiuld come by yesterday-- then never said anything until i texted and he was just like "oh, can't make it." ... like it was whatever. so, this morning I tried to ignore him at work and he was SO clingy and needy (knowing I was upset...) then earlier was loving, because they sense when we start to pull away or are coming to our senses. i can't even count the number of times i've said 'no more.' i want to mean it.

 

You are so right! They do sense when we are pulling away, and I feel like they they start becoming nicer and doing more than they normally would. I have told him that his hot and cold behavior won't work, and he did become much better after that. Before, I could send an email to him, and I was lucky if I got a response back. I have also experienced that when I was the one to end things, he came back stronger. But when he felt like ending things, we were more successful. This time, I'd love to end things and stick to it. The only thing is that I know I'm going to miss talking to him (we have to stop talking too, otherwise there is no point), and I know that i'll be feeling like total crap, but maybe this forum will help with that. My fault for letting myself fall for the wrong person

[Wellington]

Hey PSM,

 

You CAN do it. Just an update.

 

I told you he sucked me in again with the sweet talk, really wanted to see me, buy me lunch, talk, then cancelled last minute. I was ready for it, expected it actually so I wasn't too upset this time. I did tell him unequivocally to leave me alone, I've had enough. Surprisingly, Im actually okay!! I have been keeping myself busy with my family, friends I neglected waiting for this opportunistic a-hole. I feel great. Strong. Will I hear from him again? I fully expect it. He plays the "silent game" (most we have gone is 3mos.). Then he comes back. This time.....I won't let him.

 

YOU can do it. Tell yourself you are better than him because you are. You would never treat someone like that. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders now that I have washed my hands of him.

 

[LadyLost]

Hello Wellington,

I just wanted to write and say well done for having the strength to say no. I've been in an A now for over two years. The last year on a roundabout of ups and downs. Many, many attempts at NC. The last six months has been an emotional A only (i have refused to see him, but the 'I love you' emails didn't stop and I lapped each of them up). Each NC period has lasted no more than a couple of weeks. Each time i am determined to change my life. Only we can do this for ourselves. I am on day 9 now and doing ok. Determined this time that I need to stay strong. I will get to day 10, 20 and ten 50. i must. for me. It's over, he's not leaving home. It's time for me to move on with my life and leave him behind.

Stay strong!

[SunshineToday]

 

As for working on my marriage. I've tried. He has zero interest. Hasn't in a long while which is what was the catalyst for all of this in the first place. I'm not even attracted to him any longer. My MM made me feel alive again and I will miss that. Immensely.

 

I am willing to bet once your husband finds out what has been going on behind his back he will be very eager to work on the marriage. Or else set you free.

[psm04]

Hey PSM,

 

You CAN do it. Just an update.

 

I told you he sucked me in again with the sweet talk, really wanted to see me, buy me lunch, talk, then cancelled last minute. I was ready for it, expected it actually so I wasn't too upset this time. I did tell him unequivocally to leave me alone, I've had enough. Surprisingly, Im actually okay!! I have been keeping myself busy with my family, friends I neglected waiting for this opportunistic a-hole. I feel great. Strong. Will I hear from him again? I fully expect it. He plays the "silent game" (most we have gone is 3mos.). Then he comes back. This time.....I won't let him.

 

YOU can do it. Tell yourself you are better than him because you are. You would never treat someone like that. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders now that I have washed my hands of him.

 

 

That is so good to hear! I'm happy that you were able to stay strong. My MM wants to meet with me, and I know that it's only for his needs. I'm trying to end things online so that I don't have to meet him. I think that I can do this. I keep thinking of all the negative feelings, and all the times where he completely ignored me when it suited him, etc.. I'll post an update after it's all over :-)

[Wellington]

SAS- what makes you assume that I "need someone" in order to leave? We have discussed the prospect of divorce. Ball is in his court. He knows where I stand. It was actually "he" that decided he didn't want me. Years ago and it has gotten progressively worse. He wouldn't leave. I was lonely. Just becauseI fell in love with my OM, lets not assume HE is the catalyst for my leaving.

 

PSM. I'll admit, I had a horrible day today. New week, NC was hard today. It was a relatively quiet day. Too much time to think and log into email. I'll admit, I cried but I still didn't give in. I didn't even "almost". I don't know WHY I was unphased for the past few days and today, BAM, but I did it. I logged out and kept myself busy.....Baby steps!!

 

I wish you successful "baby steps" too. Good luck tonight. I'll be thinking of you.

 

Need to find private messaging.

[Wellington]

Now, why didn't I think of that?!?! As I have said, the ball is now in HIS court. Whether my MM stays in his marriage or not, I am leaving. He is not the catalyst for my decision.

[psm04]

 

PSM. I'll admit, I had a horrible day today. New week, NC was hard today. It was a relatively quiet day. Too much time to think and log into email. I'll admit, I cried but I still didn't give in. I didn't even "almost". I don't know WHY I was unphased for the past few days and today, BAM, but I did it. I logged out and kept myself busy.....Baby steps!!

 

I wish you successful "baby steps" too. Good luck tonight. I'll be thinking of you.

 

Need to find private messaging.

 

Thank you, I just posted about ending things last night. Like you, I don't feel like crap right now, but i think I will when it actually hits me. What sucks for me is that we work together, so I see his name on my instant messaging software. I could remove him, but haven't done that yet. About private messaging, from what I read on here, you have to be an 'Established member' in order to do that. I'm not sure how many months/posts it takes to do that. If I ever get to be in that status, I'd love to message you. I don't plan on leaving this site right now. This has been such a great help (more than even therapy)

[Wellington]

Hey PSM.

 

Hope you are doing well. Over a week for me. Feeling better every day. Hope you are too!

[psm04]

Hey Wellington,

 

So glad that you are able to stay strong through this. My attempts have failed. I don't know if he and I will ever 'be over'. I don't even know if I want it to end Anyway, I'm sure that I'll be attempting to end it again soon. We'll see where it goes..

[Wellington]

Added twist. He's actually talking separation/divorce. This is new. He has NEVER indicated any hint of leaving before. I would like to think "tactic" to keep me on the hook, but there really is a different feel to his new emails...I don't know.

 

I'm still holding out. Leave me alone until you are 100% done....

 

Can't help but get a little hopeful.