TaintedLuv Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Hi everyone. I'm a long time lurker, first time poster. Last night, my MM told me that his wife was finally pregnant with their first child. I had the usual reaction- devastated, angry, lost. Backstory on us: We were just friends and as we got to know each other more, things continued to intensify until something gave and things went from being practically best friends to lovers. This was five years ago. I'm now 30 and he's 32. He married his high school sweetheart so they have been together for like 16-17 years now. They were married about two years when we met. We've had this vicious cycle of on then off (attempting to do the right thing) then back on. Our feelings never fade and even if months of no contact go by, it just goes back to what it was when we're on instantly. This man is the love of my life and he swears he feels the same but claims that he chose to stay with his wife out of guilt and the least he could do was give her a child that she wanted so badly. To me, none of this makes any sense. Why not just be with me? After he told me, I changed my number and blocked him from all social media. Now he won't let me go and is insistent that I don't disappear from his life even though he knows he just killed me. I'm so confused. What happens to me now?? Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 I am so sorry you are hurting!! Good news (it won't seem like it now though )... The "what happens to you now" questions? You get to be FREE now, should you choose it * He NEVER should have said the cr@p about staying with his Wife "out of guilt" Before they got pregnant (on purpose)!! That is so bogue! Of course you already know you are deserving of so much more, right?! It sounds like it might be time to start acting like it Any if MM really doesn't leave you alone and you truly want to move on with your life, simply tell his Pregnant Wife. a. She will leave or forgive b. He will finally be forced to make a grownup choice about who he wants to be with c. You will finally know the truth of what you need to do and he will be so busy picking up the pieces of his life regardless of what happens, he may leave you be for a while* Give yourself a hug and repeat you know you are deserving of more** 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TaintedLuv Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 The worst part is he doesn't even want the child. I've told him countless times he had an easy way out before he got locked in but all he cares about how she she would've felt if he left her. Personally i think he just didnt have the courage and make a choice and now that it's too late, he's regretting it. I'm just so hurt. I feel like I'm never going heal. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Tainted, I am so sorry he told you that about not wanting his own baby. What "man" does that?!?! gets his W pregnant then tells his OW he doesn't want it?! :sick: Does that in and of itself totally screw with your head?! It does mine. What DO you see yourself doing now? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TaintedLuv Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 Tainted, I am so sorry he told you that about not wanting his own baby. What "man" does that?!?! gets his W pregnant then tells his OW he doesn't want it?! :sick: Does that in and of itself totally screw with your head?! It does mine. What DO you see yourself doing now? Trust me, I've heard too much from him that my head is totally screwed up. I guess I can't do much else but move on but he doesn't wanna let me go. For the last 24 hours, all I've been hearing is I love you and I'm sorry for my decision. He plays the woe is me card 24-7 claiming his life is miserable and he has to accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 You know what: heartbreak hurts. And this is what is happening to you: you are heartbroken. But, the tricky thing about affairs is this. With regular relationship heartbreak, usually one or both partners doesn't want to engage in the relationship anymore. This usually means that there is no going back, and that the heartbroken party really has no choice but to deal with all the turmoil heartbreak brings: anger, attempts at compromises, sadness, etc. This usually means that, eventually, months down the line, the heartbroken party can actually heal. This usually means they find a way to accept the loss of the relationship. Then they move on and meet someone else, someone who blows their minds away. But that's not the case with your current heartbreak. Your affair partner likely still wants to engage with your relationship, this, in spite of the fact that he's just dealt you a heavy blow. You're heartbroken and it is up to you to also tow the line of the person who no longer wants in. And that's insanely difficult, because as someone who is heart broken, you will have moments of weakness. You will have moments when the pain will feel unbearable and when you will try to negotiate. When you will compromise on your own beliefs. When you will talk yourself into allowing him back in your life again. Basically, the tricky thing with affairs is getting past the part of heartbreak where we seek compromises, be those compromises with yourself or the person breaking your heart. So here is what you do: when you feel yourself getting weak, remind yourself that this weakness is actually a part of your healing process. And one day, you will be free of this pain and drama. And one day, someone else, someone who can be there for you, someone who won't confuse and hurt you, will have your heart. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Hi everyone. I'm a long time lurker, first time poster. Last night, my MM told me that his wife was finally pregnant with their first child. I had the usual reaction- devastated, angry, lost. Backstory on us: We were just friends and as we got to know each other more, things continued to intensify until something gave and things went from being practically best friends to lovers. This was five years ago. I'm now 30 and he's 32. He married his high school sweetheart so they have been together for like 16-17 years now. They were married about two years when we met. Uh We've had this vicious cycle of on then off (attempting to do the right thing) then back on. Our feelings never fade and even if months of no contact go by, it just goes back to what it was when we're on instantly. This man is the love of my life and he swears he feels the same but claims that he chose to stay with his wife out of guilt and the least he could do was give her a child that she wanted so badly. To me, none of this makes any sense. Why not just be with me? After he told me, I changed my number and blocked him from all social media. Now he won't let me go and is insistent that I don't disappear from his life even though he knows he just killed me. I'm so confused. What happens to me now?? Why do you allow this man to treat you so badly? How many more years are you willing to throw away on this man? Why do think that a man that gets his wife pregnant is attractive? Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Tainted, "He plays the woe is me card 24-7 claiming his life is miserable and he has to accept it. " Aren't you glad that You don't have to play any card?! That already makes you ahead of where you were just a minute ago* This will probably be one of the most painful learning experiences of your life, but you know what? If you choose to learn from this experience, the rest of your life will be SO much better! So, let him wallow in self pity and swim in his selfishness while YOU my dear,get on with your life and the best adventures yet to come If he will Not leave you alone though, tough actions may need to be taken by you to tell his W. Not the most "fun" or easiest thing to do yet it may be part of you finishing this A and add to your learning "learning from choices" experience. Again, I am SO sorry you are hurting* 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TaintedLuv Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 Why do you allow this man to treat you so badly? How many more years are you willing to throw away on this man? Why do think that a man that gets his wife pregnant is attractive? Well I really do love him with all of my heart even though he has given me much pain and held me on the sidelines watching him give someone else a life. I love who I love and it's too late to take that back. I've wasted the best years of my life on him and he betrayed me. He led me to believe things weren't as they truly were. I just want to find peace and heal my wounds. I'm disgusted by the fact that he got her pregnant so idk when I said I'm attracted to that. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 His actions show he's with his WIFE and staying with her! His words say differently... That makes him the perfect liar to both women! Now is a good time to end it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 No matter how unhappy he pretends to be he's having a child with his wife. He'll have a child by 33. Where are you with that? Maybe you want to be married, maybe you want to have kids. How many years can you afford to waste here? He's not letting you go not because he loves you, but because his happiness is having both. The nice soothing story of the highschool sweetheart and the woman who touches his heartstrings and penis. If he loved you, he'd let you go to make a life with an available guy. So tell him to only contact you if divorced, wish him well and close the door. There is only pain coming if you continue. Sometimes we want people who simply do not share the same dreams. Don't waste your time trying to convince someone to want you. Go for the person who'll want you without convincing. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Tainted, "I'm disgusted by the fact that he got her pregnant " PLEEEEASE tell me he didn't also tell you he no longer had sex with his Wife?!?!! That would make me want to send the dogs after him If he didn't ever tell you that, did you just not think about it or consider that it was a possibility they would have sex and like some married couples, start a family? I am NOT being mean here, I promise! I am just trying to get a clearer picture. Sometimes by having to you ask yourself and answer yourself questions people here ask, will also help you to move ahead* Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Well I really do love him with all of my heart even though he has given me much pain and held me on the sidelines watching him give someone else a life. I love who I love and it's too late to take that back. I've wasted the best years of my life on him and he betrayed me. He led me to believe things weren't as they truly were. I just want to find peace and heal my wounds. I'm disgusted by the fact that he got her pregnant so idk when I said I'm attracted to that. This guy is a loser. You deserve better. The problem is that you think you cannot do any better. See psychologist to figure out why you thought this was a plan. Cheating men have no value. Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 The worst part is he doesn't even want the child. I've told him countless times he had an easy way out before he got locked in but all he cares about how she she would've felt if he left her. Personally i think he just didnt have the courage and make a choice and now that it's too late, he's regretting it. I'm just so hurt. I feel like I'm never going heal. Listen, she didn't get pregnant by herself and he wasn't having "pity" sex with her, he was having real sex with his wife that he shares a home and a real life with. They'll probably have a couple of more kids. Break away now while you're young enough to have your own kids w your own man. Don't let your life pass you by while a married man grows old with his wife. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Hi everyone. I'm a long time lurker, first time poster. Last night, my MM told me that his wife was finally pregnant with their first child. I had the usual reaction- devastated, angry, lost. Backstory on us: We were just friends and as we got to know each other more, things continued to intensify until something gave and things went from being practically best friends to lovers. This was five years ago. I'm now 30 and he's 32. He married his high school sweetheart so they have been together for like 16-17 years now. They were married about two years when we met. We've had this vicious cycle of on then off (attempting to do the right thing) then back on. Our feelings never fade and even if months of no contact go by, it just goes back to what it was when we're on instantly. This man is the love of my life and he swears he feels the same but claims that he chose to stay with his wife out of guilt and the least he could do was give her a child that she wanted so badly. To me, none of this makes any sense. Why not just be with me? After he told me, I changed my number and blocked him from all social media. Now he won't let me go and is insistent that I don't disappear from his life even though he knows he just killed me. I'm so confused. What happens to me now?? Madam, I am so sorry to say this but when I read your title, I thought "oh my" then when I read your post...I am so HAPPY for you that it is not YOU who is pregnant with the baby(sorry!). Although I do wish her the best with her pregnancy Meh...Its all sounding very...manipulative. That is really just not nice to say he is staying with her out of guilt or he is giving her a child that "she" wants...its so detached and so horrible But anyway, figure out what you want. What is best for YOU? Do you really want contact with him(I would think not really because it will just hurt you more)...but ultimately its your decision. Sounds like you were doing well with no contact...why not try again? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TaintedLuv Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 Tainted, "I'm disgusted by the fact that he got her pregnant " PLEEEEASE tell me he didn't also tell you he no longer had sex with his Wife?!?!! That would make me want to send the dogs after him If he didn't ever tell you that, did you just not think about it or consider that it was a possibility they would have sex and like some married couples, start a family? I am NOT being mean here, I promise! I am just trying to get a clearer picture. Sometimes by having to you ask yourself and answer yourself questions people here ask, will also help you to move ahead* No Ur being sweet. He told me that the sex sucks and he's not attracted to her. He said they have sex a couple times a month. When this started, he told me they were having problems in their marriage because she was forcing the kid issue and he didnt want any so no the family plan didnt cross my mind because of what he told me. Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Trust me, I've heard too much from him that my head is totally screwed up. I guess I can't do much else but move on but he doesn't wanna let me go. For the last 24 hours, all I've been hearing is I love you and I'm sorry for my decision. He plays the woe is me card 24-7 claiming his life is miserable and he has to accept it. When he plays the woe is me card, remember to feel sorry for and lookout for yourself instead of him. He's not miserable, he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. Remember that YOU'RE the one who will end up miserable. He's got a wife, partner and a child. He has a home and the security of marriage. He has holidays, anniversaries and now gets to celebrate children birthday parties. He has nothing to feel miserable about. You on the other hand, could end up alone, being a slave to your phone, waiting for when he has an available minute to call you or drop by to see you. You need to be as self centered as he is. Focus on your life, your happiness and your future. You'll find your own man a lot sooner when you let go of this one. You've got a lot of heartbreak to work through and it will take an agonizing long time, but in the end you will respect yourself a lot more when you let him go. I like the other comment about weakness being part of the healing. It sure is and getting past the on again off again thing w a married man is a wonderful healing to experience. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Listen to his actions, not his words. He has effectively reinvested himself in his marriage. Having a baby with his wife shows his priorities, and where he sees his future. You make his life with his wife better, but regardless, his life is with his wife. So you can continue to make his life with his wife better. Or you can dump him and focus on creating your own great future. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Listen to his actions, not his words. He has effectively reinvested himself in his marriage. Having a baby with his wife shows his priorities, and where he sees his future. You make his life with his wife better, but regardless, his life is with his wife. So you can continue to make his life with his wife better. Or you can dump him and focus on creating your own great future. XXOO is RIGHT! You are actually helping him keep his marriage together be giving him a sexual and emotional outlet. One day, he may even tell you "you saved my marriage." Think how that will make you feel, knowing you're alone and you helped the man you love to stay w his wife. Lots of us have unknowingly helped our MMs stay w their wives. Maybe things were a little rocky in their marriage, but we gave them something to focus on to make that marriage a little more bearable. Personally, I don't want to help the man I love to give his love to another woman, esp a woman who gets the privelage of being his wife and having his last name and child. You are strong enough to get out of this NOW. Rt now, before the baby is born, before he holds her hand as she is giving birth, before the first pics of mommy and daddy holding their newborn come out, before he can feed you any more BS. I can tell that you are strong enough to get out of this. Just be prepared for the heartbreak and prepare yourself that this heartbreak could last a year or more. Its still worth it, because either way you'll have to go thru the heartbreak, its just a point of do you want to go thru this heartbreak NOW while you still have your dignity or 5 years from now when they have more kids and are going on family vacations together while you get older. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 One day, he may even tell you "you saved my marriage." . That actually happens. It's part of what makes me stay in NC, because I'm afraid of my reaction if he said that. And if they do say it, they really expect it to be taken well. "Look at me being greatful for your help. Everything is great now, right?" Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Below.......your whole concept of love is screwed up hon. That has so much more to do with dysfunction than love. Stop wasting your life on this user. Well I really do love him with all of my heart even though he has given me much pain and held me on the sidelines watching him give someone else a life. I love who I love and it's too late to take that back. I've wasted the best years of my life on him and he betrayed me. He led me to believe things weren't as they truly were. I just want to find peace and heal my wounds. I'm disgusted by the fact that he got her pregnant so idk when I said I'm attracted to that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Well I really do love him with all of my heart even though he has given me much pain and held me on the sidelines watching him give someone else a life. I love who I love and it's too late to take that back. It might be too late to take the love you have for him back...but its surely not too late to hope for someone to love you the way you deserve to be loved...and with time surely you will love again without the pain I've wasted the best years of my life on him and he betrayed me. He led me to believe things weren't as they truly were. I just want to find peace and heal my wounds. I'm a couple of years shy of your age...but I can't wait until I hit it. I truly think the best years are yet to come and they will for you too! As for finding peace and healing your wounds..."if you are brave enough to say goodbye...life will reward you with a new hello" (I love this quote!) So try to be brave...and don't let some bloody rubbish guy taint your heart ever again! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 That actually happens. It's part of what makes me stay in NC, because I'm afraid of my reaction if he said that. And if they do say it, they really expect it to be taken well. "Look at me being greatful for your help. Everything is great now, right?" I know that it happens..its actually happened to me TWICE. Im 45 now. In my 20's, I naively got involved w a married man while I was going thru a divorce from an abusive man. Like TaintedLuv, I had gotten to know this man while we were single and we were friends before we married other people. Then, when I had to leave my husband, he reached out to me as a friend to offer support and we had an emotional affair. I didn't sleep w him, but enjoyed the emotional support of his kindness. He began confiding to me that maybe he shouldn't have married his wife, blah blah, she didn't love him, they "never had sex" whatever, I built up his ego while he helped me w mine and then low and behold she got pregnant. Lol, they were Jewish, so Im assuming they didn't believe in virgin births anyway and he confessed they "had sex once" but it was over so quick he didn't see how a child was conceived. Anyway, he stayed in his marriage and I went thru my divorce but I remember clearly what he said when we did talk later. He said that I saved his marriage and that if I hadn't been there as an emotional outlet, he never would have had his son or stayed w his wife. That was 20 years ago. they now have 4 kids, a large home and she is a stay at home mom. I never wanted him anyway, but I remember how much that hurt to hear "you saved my marriage" as my own marriage fell apart. Fast forward to present, 4 years ago until recently when I was involved w a MM that I did love and see a future with. He said the same thing, that if I hadn't have come into the picture, he and his wife wouldn't be together. Its true, when these MMs say this, they don't realize that it hurts to hear. They feel proud of themselves for showing gratitude. MMs will always be a-holes and we need to dig deep, find our dignity and move the hell on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Well I really do love him with all of my heart even though he has given me much pain and held me on the sidelines watching him give someone else a life. I love who I love and it's too late to take that back. I've wasted the best years of my life on him and he betrayed me. He led me to believe things weren't as they truly were. I just want to find peace and heal my wounds. I'm disgusted by the fact that he got her pregnant so idk when I said I'm attracted to that. You can't undo what you've already done... But you can change things moving forward! You can get busy living or get busy waiting around for someone who doesn't make you his priority (dying). Be the change YOU wish to see! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 SunsetRed, I have quoted you, and the response was to OP. Ironic how the BW say the OW ruined/damaged their M that was otherwise fine, and MM send thank you cards for saving it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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