My MM is having a baby!

[xxoo]

If he's your best friend, didn't he tell you that they were trying to conceive?

[TaintedLuv]

If he's your best friend, didn't he tell you that they were trying to conceive?

 

He did but he also told me that basically she was never going to have a baby because she has fertility issues. He took a chance on appeasing her while assuming there's was a slim chance it could happen.

 

 

I don't consider myself that naive but everyone's points' of view really opened my eyes to some different angles that I never really considered. Lots of food for thought.

[TaintedLuv]

So you have willingly been engaged in an affair with a MM and now, his wife is pregnant.

 

And you believe he doesn't like sex with his wife? You believe he pities her? You believe he faked having enjoyable sex with her? You think he decided to tie himself to her for the rest of her life - because that is what happens when you have a child - and you believe he is miserable?

 

What a low life to say to you he doesn't want the child and sex is horrible. What kind of disgusting human being says these things? And WHO believes these things?

 

It isn't about him having no courage - it is about him playing you and you buying into it.

 

If you deleted him and blocked him, how is he getting in touch with you?? You said you changed your phone number and blocked him on all social media, yet he is in contact? How?

 

He knows you will let him back in and continue the affair that's why he continues to play the pity card. He figures you have given up 5+ years of your life, knowing full well he was married and there were NO children involved...until now. Why would you stop having an affair now...when you have willingly taken him back each time you "broke up".

I changed my number but apparently my iPhone didnt automatically change via iMessage so he was able to contact me anyway! I'm going have to change it again. :/

 

He knows I'm serious this time because I cannot accept the news and he's totally freaking out but he did this. No one forced him. He keeps telling me that no other A is like ours and no one understands what we have but I'm tired of empty words. His actions trump everything.

[ComingInHot]

Cutedreagon, " Ironic how the BW say the OW ruined/damaged their M that was otherwise fine, and MM send thank you cards for saving it."

 

I'm sometimes sensitive so bare w/me as I respond your above statement by hoping it was based on your experience & not a generalization ... only because the experience my H had was far the opposite.

 

Guess I'm hoping you acknowledge different experiences are had by Cheating Spouses.

Some good. Some bad. Usually somebody gets hurt. *

[ComingInHot]

Tainted;

The more you right about MM, the more I feel you are dodging a bullet No a cannon down the road!

 

Is there anyone you have in your life who loves you NO MATTER WHAT that you can share all this with? It may be time to call in the support crew. Mom's are excellent resources

[wisernow]

I changed my number but apparently my iPhone didnt automatically change via iMessage so he was able to contact me anyway! I'm going have to change it again. :/

 

He knows I'm serious this time because I cannot accept the news and he's totally freaking out but he did this. No one forced him. He keeps telling me that no other A is like ours and no one understands what we have but I'm tired of empty words. His actions trump everything.

 

 

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but I must ask; did you really believe that this man wasn't having sex with his wife? That she (BS) somehow coerced him into getting her pregnant? He is now in damage control with you, and will tell you anything (but the truth) to try and keep you interested and in this affair. If you were naive up to now, I truly hope you see exactly what a prize this douche is.

 

He will continue to try and make contact with you. I hope you'll take whatever measures to ensure he isn't successful. Please, please, please, don't continue this affair. No matter what he tells you, it's most likely a lie.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, but you can get through this.

[whichwayisup]

The worst part is he doesn't even want the child. I've told him countless times he had an easy way out before he got locked in but all he cares about how she she would've felt if he left her. Personally i think he just didnt have the courage and make a choice and now that it's too late, he's regretting it.

 

I'm just so hurt. I feel like I'm never going heal.

 

Sweetie, he's lying to you. For so long he's been used to having his cake and eating it too - Having two women to meet his needs. I know you don't want to believe this, but look at it this way...How he treats his wife, the woman he said vows to, he's cheating and lying to her everyday, betraying her and hiding the fact he is having an A with you. Don't believe all that he tells you. I doubt very much he is that upset about the baby, he's just making it seem that way. If he wasn't on board with a baby to begin with, she never would have gotten pregnant.

 

He is where he wants to be.

 

If I were you, I'd still go total NC and grieve the loss. This man has a baby on the way and isn't leaving his wife, ever. No matter what he's told you, promised you, LOOK at his actions! They tell you that he is just enjoying having an A with you with no intention of making it more serious than it already is. To you, he is your everything,,to him, to him it's an affair. sorry I don't mean to hurt your feelings... Please tell him to get out of your life since he is about to be a father. No point in continuing an A with him, this will end badly for everybody if you hang on or try to be a friend to one another.

[Pierre]

He did but he also told me that basically she was never going to have a baby because she has fertility issues. He took a chance on appeasing her while assuming there's was a slim chance it could happen.

 

 

I don't consider myself that naive but everyone's points' of view really opened my eyes to some different angles that I never really considered. Lots of food for thought.

 

You don't know what is going on in the marriage. He says to you waht you want to hear so you can continue to put out.

[xxoo]

I hope that you dump this guy, take some time to heal and get your self solid, and then you meet someone who truly puts you first, loves you openly, and plans a future with you.

 

When that happens, I believe you will look back on this relationship and wonder how you ever considered him the love of your life.

[whichwayisup]

What a low life to say to you he doesn't want the child and sex is horrible. What kind of disgusting human being says these things?

 

You want to find out where his heart truly lays? Tell him that you've written a letter, already been sent to his wife, alerting her of the A and what he's said about her, the marriage and the upcoming baby they're going to be parents to. See his reaction. That will tell you what is going on. He doesn't love his wife, never has sex with her, or is forced to and he isn't happy about her being pregnant then the truth will be out there and his wife can divorce him so he can be with you. DO you believe that he is telling the truth? That he doesn't love her, isn't happy about the pregnancy? What does your gut and head say vs your emotions and heart? Opposites I bet. So, I say LISTEN to the gut and your head because you know better.

 

All you have to do is threaten to tell her or tell him you've called her already and you'll see where things stand. If he wants out, this will be enough to push him to leave, right?

[SunsetRed]

I hope that you dump this guy, take some time to heal and get your self solid, and then you meet someone who truly puts you first, loves you openly, and plans a future with you.

 

When that happens, I believe you will look back on this relationship and wonder how you ever considered him the love of your life.

 

Funny how 90% of us on here, felt that a man who had a wife, was the love of our lives. What does that say about our state of mind and self esteem?

[jnd2009]

I just found out the same thing as you about a month ago. I was mad that he did not tell me about their "if we pregnant great if not oh well" plan, because I would've stopped a while ago when they established this plan. It is a hard thing to go through, feels like a break up. Although judging by how you're wording things you're completely in love with the guy. I wasn't with mine at first (years ago), then I started to become more attracted to him this time around (a few months ago). I pushed the feelings aside, and still when he told me about his W I was beside myself- didn't know what to think. I keep telling myself he's not yours, no reason to get upset. I feel better about it now, I guess it takes time. But I know the feeling, it sucks, but go for someone who cares about you without the baggage.

[Survivor12]

WARNING: In his effort to get you to change your mind about ending the affair, he will use whatever lies he can come up with to convince you. NOTHING he says or does at this point can be relied upon as being truthful.

 

It seems very obvious that you have been very naive or in extreme denial. Well, now it's time to SNAP OUT OF IT! Yes, the truth is very painful but facing it is the only way you will be able to find the strength to let him go. Understand that a man who can tell you such lies, betray his trusting wife and disregard his own child in order to placate his mistress is a conscienceless, horrible human being incapable of love.

 

Think about this...he told you that he cared too much about his wife to upset her by leaving, but has been willing to deceive her by having an affair for over most of their marriage. He told you that he loved you, but it wasn't enough to be with you...or to not lie to you.

 

I am not trying to hurt you, but I am trying to get you to face the pain of the reality that already exists--the pain that HE has caused you--so that you can see through the deception and the lies, find the strength not to give in to his manipulation, and begin to heal.

[SunshineToday]

It seems like you know what you have to do, go no contact and forget him.

 

When he comes tries to get you back (for sex and to make him feel good about himself) try to remind yourself:

 

He stayed with his wife over you, before kids...so trust us all, he is NEVER going to leave her, esp with a kid.

 

He and his wife are probably happily talking and planning for their new baby, excitedly telling family & friends their good news.

 

He def did not have one time quick sex with his wife, thus resulting in the new baby. God thats quite an excuse!

 

Good luck.

[ThatJustHappened]

Unless his wife tied him up and forced sex on him, the baby was intentional, no matter what he tells you.

[2sunny]

Yes - block any and every way for him to contact you... Right after telling him IF he ever contacts again in any way - you will immediately inform his wife of everything she doesn't know.

[Eggplant]

You are the lucky one, as opposed to his wife, who is tied to a cheater through a child for the rest of her life.

[spice4life]

It seems like you know what you have to do, go no contact and forget him.

 

When he comes tries to get you back (for sex and to make him feel good about himself) try to remind yourself:

 

He stayed with his wife over you, before kids...so trust us all, he is NEVER going to leave her, esp with a kid.

 

He and his wife are probably happily talking and planning for their new baby, excitedly telling family & friends their good news.

 

He def did not have one time quick sex with his wife, thus resulting in the new baby. God thats quite an excuse!

 

Good luck.

 

The bolded part is the reality. You need to read this again and again until it finally snaps you out of denial. If you stay then you will be occupying a very small dark corner in his life as the events in bold parade proudly out in open. It's very sobering, but it is deftnitely the truth no matter what he says.

 

Having an affair is bad enough, but to have one while his wife is pregnant? Yuck...very scummy thing <for him> to do.

Edited March 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarification

[LFH]

You are strong enough to get out of this NOW. Rt now, before the baby is born, before he holds her hand as she is giving birth, before the first pics of mommy and daddy holding their newborn come out, before he can feed you any more BS.

.

 

This. This would break my heart and I can only imagine it would break yours too. You want to be well over him before the chance of this being seen becomes a possibility.

 

It's on my list of reasons to leave. I couldn't do it.

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I hope tomorrow it seems just the tiniest bit easier.

[Survivor12]

One more thing for you to think about...You know that feeling of total emptiness, agony and extreme longing you feel each time he walks out the door to go home to his wife? That moment when nothing in the world matters--or even exists--other than him? When you miss him so much you feel that you will collapse?

 

Well, that's the feeling that's kept you holding on to for 7 years...and sadly, that is not love. I'm not saying that you don't love him, but love is not about feeling pain and weakness. Love makes you strong, not weak; jubilant, not filled with grief. Love is soothing, not dramatic; it gives you butterflies in your stomach, not a pit in your gut.

 

Please understand that the intensity of the pain you are feeling right now--the feeling caused by his wife being pregnant, is not because you love him. Deeper pain does not prove deeper love. It is so easy to romanticize the agony and mistake it for love, but the pain of true love comes from feeling more joy than you can contain, not from the grief caused by doubt and betrayal.

 

As I said before, I do not doubt that you love him, but be aware that it is not the reason for the pain you are feeling. You are hurting because you are coming to understand that he is not worthy of that love....and it's time to turn that love onto yourself. Give yourself the gift of stepping out of the shadows and embracing the freedom that comes with truth.

[spice4life]

One more thing for you to think about...You know that feeling of total emptiness, agony and extreme longing you feel each time he walks out the door to go home to his wife? That moment when nothing in the world matters--or even exists--other than him? When you miss him so much you feel that you will collapse?

 

Well, that's the feeling that's kept you holding on to for 7 years...and sadly, that is not love. I'm not saying that you don't love him, but love is not about feeling pain and weakness. Love makes you strong, not weak; jubilant, not filled with grief. Love is soothing, not dramatic; it gives you butterflies in your stomach, not a pit in your gut.

 

Please understand that the intensity of the pain you are feeling right now--the feeling caused by his wife being pregnant, is not because you love him. Deeper pain does not prove deeper love. It is so easy to romanticize the agony and mistake it for love, but the pain of true love comes from feeling more joy than you can contain, not from the grief caused by doubt and betrayal.

 

As I said before, I do not doubt that you love him, but be aware that it is not the reason for the pain you are feeling. You are hurting because you are coming to understand that he is not worthy of that love....and it's time to turn that love onto yourself. Give yourself the gift of stepping out of the shadows and embracing the freedom that comes with truth.

 

Awesome post. TaintLuv, the bolded part says it all. You have the right to be out in the open and not hiding in the shadows. It's okay to step into the light Tainted...you deserve it! And you know what? You don't need a man by your side to that...do it for yourself!

[Kamille]

Like others, I'm concerned about what you think love is.

 

I understand that it is hard to step away from someone who has been in your life for 7 years. I understand that you probably do love him. But, reading your post, I can't help but come to the conclusion that some loves are better than others. Some relationship are loving: like Survivor says, they build you up. Your relationship doesn't sound loving. It sounds like it's tearing you down.

 

So yeah, maybe you love him. But its a love focused on him. You don't exist in it and neither does the relationship. I often think there are three entities in a relationship: him, you and the relationship. Imagine a love that encompasses all three aspects, a love that isn't about you making all the compromises - you providing all the care and energy it takes to make it work. Imagine a love where you can trust your partner not to hurt you. A love that doesn't feel like constant manipulation.

 

Basically, just know that there is another kind of love out there. Allow that thought in. Let it sit with you and allow yourself to imagine what it would feel like to have a fulfilling, generous, loving relationship where you received as much as you give.

[TaintedLuv]

Thanks for all of the responses. I won't bother quoting everything cause it's too much:

 

Maybe I was in denial all along but the reason I feel so tormented is beause I do sit back and think about everything he's doing with her regardless of what he claims. He had a chance to leave before the child, he had five years before anything became totally fd up. But I think he's also in denial as well. He really thinks he's different than all of the other cheating husbands. I do believe he has no passion for his marriage though regardless if he couldn't bring himself to leave. He does feel obligated to her even though he's been betraying both of us this entire time. His whole life has been served on a silver platter. Leaving her would've been the first time he did something he needed courage to do and he couldn't. He fully acknowledges that.

 

As far as my take on love. In a way, it's completely skewed from this situation and I know he doesn't deserve all the love I've given when he has shortchanged me this whole time. But ignoring the situation at hand and possibly the entire world, no man has ever known me on this level. We share everything with each other. Maybe this is where my denial comes in because when it's just us together, Im so happy. Then he goes home to her and the cycle begins again.

 

By the way, everyone is saying the he's using me for sex but we text 24-7 and we haven't slept together in months so then why does he still continue talking to me if he's not getting anything except my time? Just in case he needs it some time?

[MissBee]

 

I'm so confused. What happens to me now??

 

You get to move on from a waste of time.

 

That's what happens!

 

It is unpleasant at first and you will no doubt experience withdrawal, but things make no sense, because it is nonsense! They have obviously been trying to have a baby. Who "gives" a baby out of pity??? Even if that were true, why would you want someone who thinks like that? If you no longer want to be with someone, the LAST thing you should do is create a baby with them, which will tie you two together forever!

 

Truth is, she's his wife and they are living their lives and progressing, as married people do, for better or worse. He was with her for almost 20 years for a reason. He chose to marry her for whatever reason and consciously created a baby. It is much harder for a married man with a baby/child to leave than one who does not have those ties...so believe me...the addition of pregnant wife and future child will not make your tumultuous relationship any more secure. Whatever cockamamie story he is telling you...ignore and continue your life. We ALL have choices to make and he chose marriage and a baby and expects you to simply stay in the shadows for the ride. It's not fair and once you separate from him, you will slowly become detached and you'll be able to open yourself up to having a worthwhile relationship. This however is not something worthwhile at all.

[xxoo]

By the way, everyone is saying the he's using me for sex but we text 24-7 and we haven't slept together in months so then why does he still continue talking to me if he's not getting anything except my time? Just in case he needs it some time?

 

However you feel when you talk to him, he feels the same. He gets the same rush of good-feeling chemicals from those interactions. It makes him feel happy in the moment.

 

But he also has happy moments with her. The discovery of a new pregnancy is a huge high! How exciting! More feel-good chemicals!

 

He gets that from both relationships. Lucky him.