My MM is having a baby!

[Kamille]

Please don't include me in the people who say he is using you for sex. I believe you when you say he's in denial as well. He has to be, or else he could not go on justifying the hurt he brings you all while betraying his wife and, now, future child. He clearly does care for you if this has been going on for 5+ years.

 

But here's the deal: it doesn't change the fact that this relationship is providing you with a lot of pain and sorrow. It's even possible that it brings you more pain than joy. Please don't base your decision on how you proceed on whether or not he cares for you. Please think about what you need. As someone else said, try to focus as much on yourself as you do on him. Right now please focus on your needs, your hopes, your right to be happy, your right to be loved.

[ThatJustHappened]

Please don't include me in the people who say he is using you for sex. I believe you when you say he's in denial as well. He has to be, or else he could not go on justifying the hurt he brings you all while betraying his wife and, now, future child. He clearly does care for you if this has been going on for 5+ years.

 

But here's the deal: it doesn't change the fact that this relationship is providing you with a lot of pain and sorrow. It's even possible that it brings you more pain than joy. Please don't base your decision on how you proceed on whether or not he cares for you. Please think about what you need. As someone else said, try to focus as much on yourself as you do on him. Right now please focus on your needs, your hopes, your right to be happy, your right to be loved.

 

People like this man do not need to justify the hurt they cause other people because they just don't care enough to bother.

 

OP, seriously..PLEASE listen to the people on this site. Your story is not all that different from anyone else's. This guy is a terrible person who is feeding you the lines you need to hear to continue being his affair partner. Affairs are not just about sex, they can be highly emotional too. He's still using you and it's still an affair even if you haven't had sex in months. He's using you for his emotional dumpster..you're taking care of all of the things he doesn't feel like sharing with his wife.

 

He is a bad bad guy and nobody deserves the cr@p he's been putting you through.

[SunsetRed]

You've been given the best advice in the world from all of us who've been there.

 

Continue w NC. Endure the heartbreak no matter how bad it is. You'll probably go on many "bad" dates after this and you'll miss the emotional connection you think you have w him. Please endure this process of heartbreak. At least you'll have your dignity and you wont be giving him the emotional/sexual release he needs to endure his marriage and family life.

 

While he's enduring his marriage/family life, he'll also be going on family trips to amusement parks, camping, taking family pics of him and the wife holding their baby while you sit at home and feel bad.

 

Don't sit at home and feel bad. Ok, you may feel bad for a while, but don't sit at home. Feeling bad is part of the grieving process and you'll just have to suck it up and do it. But at least go out and live your life.

 

You deserve a nice vacation, if you can afford it.

[Pierre]

By the way, everyone is saying the he's using me for sex but we text 24-7 and we haven't slept together in months so then why does he still continue talking to me if he's not getting anything except my time? Just in case he needs it some time?

 

He loves you, no doubt.

 

But, he loves you within a bubble he has created to separate himself from the marriage. His texting 24/7 implies he really needs you. But, in the end you are supplementing his marriage. He has selfish love for you.

 

It is quite possible that one night you were sexting and he got so horny he went ahead and got his wife pregnant.

 

You need to leave him or he will drag you for another 5-10 years and then it will be too late for you.

[2sunny]

Have you ever considered he's using you because it feeds his ego?

 

All the cost of you not finding an available man all for yourself.

 

You allow it by continuing - that's why he does it.

 

You can stop responding to him anytime - in order to move forward.

[TaintedLuv]

if they have been having fertility problem,s is it possible that she was undergoing fertility treatments?

 

ugh..how nice of him to let her do that while he's seeing someone else...

 

see how he treats her? what can you take from that treatment? even if he no longer love sher or wnats to be with he, the aount of disprespect he is showing er should tell you something about him...

 

do you really want to be with someone who has shown you what he can do to someone/ ( someone else to who he is probably telling her loves them)...

 

you deserve better than this...you and his wife both do

To my knowledge, they were just following her ovulation schedule. I'm sure if it didnt work, she would suggest that next but idk if he would've done it. Too late for that now though.

 

I do think she deserves better. She deserves a man that wants a family instead of appeasing her. I think it's unfortunate that a child is coming into this world because of guilt and one parent doesn't want it. I'm sure he will be a good father because he ll have no choice and ill be long gone.

[TaintedLuv]

Have you ever considered he's using you because it feeds his ego?

 

All the cost of you not finding an available man all for yourself.

 

You allow it by continuing - that's why he does it.

 

You can stop responding to him anytime - in order to move forward.

 

Maybe I do feed his ego but he feeds my ego as well. We feed off each other in every way. I allow it to continue and allowed it for too long. I do think if I stood my ground when he was at a crossroads, I'd be with him in real life now and not sitting here posting about all the pain he just put me through. So maybe the end result is my own fault here. I just don't foresee myself being with another man or at all now going forward. But maybe I deserve to be alone after everything I've participated in.

[Kamille]

I just don't foresee myself being with another man or at all now going forward. But maybe I deserve to be alone after everything I've participated in.

 

We all feel this way when we've just had our heart broken.

 

Take time to be alone and heal. Remember to be kind to yourself. But you won't be alone forever. Eventually, the sun will shine for you again.

[ThatJustHappened]

Maybe I do feed his ego but he feeds my ego as well. We feed off each other in every way. I allow it to continue and allowed it for too long. I do think if I stood my ground when he was at a crossroads, I'd be with him in real life now and not sitting here posting about all the pain he just put me through. So maybe the end result is my own fault here. I just don't foresee myself being with another man or at all now going forward. But maybe I deserve to be alone after everything I've participated in.

 

Someone putting you second and lying to you shouldn't feed your ego.

 

Nobody is saying you deserve to be alone forever, but perhaps you should consider what made you agree to participate in an affair, which is, in it's nature, a bad thing, in the first place. Have you considered therapy?

[TaintedLuv]

What about you? Don't you deserve better than some guy who married someone else and chose to stay in that marriage, even with your defense of him being a coward? He wasn't too much of a coward to take a lover. He wasn't too much of a coward to cheat on his wife. You don't know what he truly feels about this child - only what he is telling you .. his latest excuse of why he isn't leaving his wife. He didn't leave BEFORE the child, he isn't leaving now. And if, deep in his heart, he doesn't love/want this child - why in the hell would you want to be with someone who chose to get his wife pregnant?? What's your excuse for him now? What a sorry excuse for a man.

 

 

 

so you both thrive on drama and ego feeds? I don't think he ever would have left. I know you want to think he would have; but what examples of his actions have lead you to think that he would have left? Part of your pain IS your own fault because you willingly and happily have been with a MM for 7 years. No one held a gun to your head. You KNEW he was married. You KNEW he went home to a wife every night. You do NOT know what goes on behind closed doors in their home. And if she was allegedly having fertility issues, she didn't get "lucky" by a random sex act. They have been having sex regularly and frequently. I know you don't want to believe this; but you have to take off the rose colored glasses.

 

The main question is - are you done? Or are you going to continue to have an affair with a married man who is going to be a father? Will you continue the affair throughout the pregnancy? Will you continue the affair after she has their child? I can tell you one thing - most women who are about to become mothers are fiercely protective of their unborn child and if she for a minute things he is 'faking it' or pretending to love her, or pretending to want to be a father .... she can and may kick his butt to the curb. Is that what you want? Since he won't leave her, maybe you want her to kick him out...which will make you the winner by default. Is that okay with you??

 

I'm not making any excuses for him. He has no excuse. I'm just relaying what has been said. When I said feed egos, I'm not talking about drama, I'm talking about literally fueling each other emotionally and physically.

 

I didnt want him chosing me by default. That's why I stood back and let him decide. I thought he'd wake up and do the right thing. He had many chances. But saying he can't upset all the people in his life by leaving a situation he's not happy in isn't a good excuse for me. People get divorced all the time. A baby doesn't fix anything. In his mind, "the least he could do is give her a child after doing this to her". I don't think he's lying to me. I just think he's reasoning is a bit twisted.

[TaintedLuv]

I never intended on having an affair with him. We were just friends and by the time things got intense, I was already in too deep. In hindsight, I should've stopped years ago but we just couldn't let it go and everytime we tried to stop, it would just restart shortly after.

[ThatJustHappened]

I'm not making any excuses for him. He has no excuse. I'm just relaying what has been said. When I said feed egos, I'm not talking about drama, I'm talking about literally fueling each other emotionally and physically.

 

I didnt want him chosing me by default. That's why I stood back and let him decide. I thought he'd wake up and do the right thing. He had many chances. But saying he can't upset all the people in his life by leaving a situation he's not happy in isn't a good excuse for me. People get divorced all the time. A baby doesn't fix anything. In his mind, "the least he could do is give her a child after doing this to her". I don't think he's lying to me. I just think he's reasoning is a bit twisted.

 

Just because he tells you that he's not happy doesn't make it true. He could be perfectly happy in his marriage, and about his new baby..but you're just the icing on the cake. Not everyone who cheats has an unhappy marriage.

[Ellin]

Tainted, you say your MM has no passion for his W. Maybe it's true that he doesn't feel the excitement of the stolen moments he has with you.

 

After 20+ years being / living with someone there hardly can be high levels of excitement and passion the way you're talking about. Maybe he has a different kind of happiness and attachment with his W - a quiet, steady one, even if it's boring or not completely satisfying sometimes.

 

It seems that there are things that bond them together which are stronger or more important than passion.

[Ellin]

Oh, and Tainted. You definitely can find love again. But for this to happen you have to get over him, and to get over him you need to be away from him.

 

It might take you a while, so if you do want M and kids, you should do it sooner rather than later.

[2sunny]

I'm not making any excuses for him. He has no excuse. I'm just relaying what has been said. When I said feed egos, I'm not talking about drama, I'm talking about literally fueling each other emotionally and physically.

 

I didnt want him chosing me by default. That's why I stood back and let him decide. I thought he'd wake up and do the right thing. He had many chances. But saying he can't upset all the people in his life by leaving a situation he's not happy in isn't a good excuse for me. People get divorced all the time. A baby doesn't fix anything. In his mind, "the least he could do is give her a child after doing this to her". I don't think he's lying to me. I just think he's reasoning is a bit twisted.

 

You fueled him emotionally and physically and he still gave what he had to his wife.

 

He had the chance to be with you - but he didn't take it. That tells you everything you need to know and what he won't say.

 

He's right where HE CHOOSES to be.

 

You deserve better! You should want more for yourself - he's made you his second choice - and that's not good enough.

[SunsetRed]

2Sunny is right. Hes where he is because he chooses to be there.

 

Im trying to quote someone who posted on here once. Hopefully I get the wording right. "When a man wants you, he'll move the mountains that are in his way. If he doesn't want you, nothing will make him stay."

 

People (who want to) get divorced all the time. That's why the divorce rate is so high, over 50%. Men who want to get divorced will find a way to do it. Men who don't want to will make excuse after excuse and lallygag around.

[ToxicLover43]

Well as awkward as this may seem, I'm the MM in question here... Tainted was kind enough to send me a link to the forum post yesterday and to be honest I found reading this all rather difficult. I dont feel the generic comments regarding a cheating MM truly describe me or this relationship.

 

I'm not coming on this forum to defend myself, im well aware of the things I have done and that bad decision that I have made throughout the years. Im not looking for forgiveness.

 

What does need to be said is that this story is much deeper than a forum post could possibly describe and the only people who can truly understand it all are Tainted and I. So here goes my slightly wordy version of this entire situation from start to the unfortunate demise.

 

When we met years ago, I was not happy with the relationship I was currently in with my W. I came across Tainted through mutual friends and was immediately taken back by her. She was(is) this beautiful woman with a personality and charm that truly threw me for a loop. I literally could not get enough of her, we slowly became close friends through a process of setting up fictitious events with our mutual friends for the sole purpose of seeing one another. The more time we spent together talking , the more we simply wanted to learn about one another. We also both had a strong physical lust for each other the moment we laid eyes, but because of my marriage it was was repressed. As time past we simply grew closer and closer and eventually reach a crossroad in this "friendship" where we simply couldn't fight back the urge to kiss one another.After almost 1 year we finally did kiss , it was quite frankly the most amazing and passionate kiss either one of us had ever felt.

 

We both spent the following months growing closer and closer at an exponential rate. Every moment that I could get away from my W, I was with Tainted. We txted all day, chatted online all night and we were madly in love with each other.We had a connection unlike anything I had ever felt before in my entire life, we were literally carbon copies of one another.... We finished one another sentence, laughed at all the same jokes and we had this uncanny ability to take control of one another's emotions. Tainted was able to bring me to the point of sheer rage and then with her uncanny smile, bring me to tears of laughter.

All the while as our love grew stronger , our sexual passion followed suit, we would spend hours on end making love... reaching levels of ecstasy that neither one of us had ever felt before. And every sexual "session" we had just out did the last. The same care and attention to detail that we had for our friendship carried over into the bedroom, We would spend hours exploring every single avenue of our bodies and both of us only had one goal... to please the other.

 

As me and Tainted got closer and closer my marriage grew weaker and weaker. I was snapping at my W for the most silly things, I was fighting with everyone around me... my co workers, my family . I came to a point where I was about to leave my W for tainted , I walked out of my home and just went for a long walk. I finally sat on a park bench and called Tainted and told her what was going on.

 

The feeling of guilt over took me, I took my W for granted for some time and felt that at the very least we needed to try and work this out and that I should try and stay away from Tainted. In my mind, I knew that If I had never met tainted , I simply would not of been in the situation to be unfaithful and disrespectful to my W. Tainted has told me countless times that I am a coward and she is 100% right. I was too afraid to start over, I was too afraid to deal with the blow back from both families and I simply didn't want to destroy my W's life.

 

Tainted and I reconnected countless times throughout this period, things would steam roll right back into what they were before and then when we fight again over the fact that I said I was still trying to repair things with my W... The only thing that we ever fought about is that fact that we were never truly together.

 

I had this utterly amazing woman and I treated her like complete garbage to simply protect my W .... I wouldn't take her out in public because I was ashamed of what I was doing with her, I was deathly afraid of getting caught.

I was forcing her to put herself out there and date other men. I turned the entire relationship into ****. I was losing my best friend , my lover, more and more every single day.

 

 

I came to a point in my marriage where I decided it was right to finally give my W the only thing she every truly wanted in her life. She suffered from fertility issues and I knew that the longer I spent in this limbo, the less of a chance she would have of ever having the only thing she ever wanted.

Was I ready for a child when I agreed to start trying, NO , am i ready now, NO . But I agreed to it because I felt it was the right thing for my W. Regardless of what everyone has said on this forum about how despicable my reasoning is for this child . My intentions are to be the best father possible to my child. Plain and Simple

 

When I finally learned that my W was pregnant, the only emotion I could feel was utter sadness. I knew that I had finally destroyed the relationship that Tainted and I had. I did the only thing that could make her absolutely hate me, I knew that she would never speak to me again. Words cant even describe the feeling of knowing what I did to Tainted.

 

 

 

This entire relationship's failure is entirely my own doing, Tainted knows me better than any single person on this planet. She knows deep down inside that my intentions were never to manipulate her for anything. I know Im the one who is wrong here and I know that I need to finally let her live her life. A life that she doesn't want to live without me. I gave her no option, I will never stop loving this utterly amazing woman and I know I need to live with my decision.

 

I know that I need to stay far away from her life. Its the only way that she can open her heart again and forget about the pain I caused her.

[2sunny]

Well as awkward as this may seem, I'm the MM in question here... Tainted was kind enough to send me a link to the forum post yesterday and to be honest I found reading this all rather difficult. I dont feel the generic comments regarding a cheating MM truly describe me or this relationship.

 

I'm not coming on this forum to defend myself, im well aware of the things I have done and that bad decision that I have made throughout the years. Im not looking for forgiveness.

 

What does need to be said is that this story is much deeper than a forum post could possibly describe and the only people who can truly understand it all are Tainted and I. So here goes my slightly wordy version of this entire situation from start to the unfortunate demise.

 

When we met years ago, I was not happy with the relationship I was currently in with my W. I came across Tainted through mutual friends and was immediately taken back by her. She was(is) this beautiful woman with a personality and charm that truly threw me for a loop. I literally could not get enough of her, we slowly became close friends through a process of setting up fictitious events with our mutual friends for the sole purpose of seeing one another. The more time we spent together talking , the more we simply wanted to learn about one another. We also both had a strong physical lust for each other the moment we laid eyes, but because of my marriage it was was repressed. As time past we simply grew closer and closer and eventually reach a crossroad in this "friendship" where we simply couldn't fight back the urge to kiss one another.After almost 1 year we finally did kiss , it was quite frankly the most amazing and passionate kiss either one of us had ever felt.

 

We both spent the following months growing closer and closer at an exponential rate. Every moment that I could get away from my W, I was with Tainted. We txted all day, chatted online all night and we were madly in love with each other.We had a connection unlike anything I had ever felt before in my entire life, we were literally carbon copies of one another.... We finished one another sentence, laughed at all the same jokes and we had this uncanny ability to take control of one another's emotions. Tainted was able to bring me to the point of sheer rage and then with her uncanny smile, bring me to tears of laughter.

All the while as our love grew stronger , our sexual passion followed suit, we would spend hours on end making love... reaching levels of ecstasy that neither one of us had ever felt before. And every sexual "session" we had just out did the last. The same care and attention to detail that we had for our friendship carried over into the bedroom, We would spend hours exploring every single avenue of our bodies and both of us only had one goal... to please the other.

 

As me and Tainted got closer and closer my marriage grew weaker and weaker. I was snapping at my W for the most silly things, I was fighting with everyone around me... my co workers, my family . I came to a point where I was about to leave my W for tainted , I walked out of my home and just went for a long walk. I finally sat on a park bench and called Tainted and told her what was going on.

 

The feeling of guilt over took me, I took my W for granted for some time and felt that at the very least we needed to try and work this out and that I should try and stay away from Tainted. In my mind, I knew that If I had never met tainted , I simply would not of been in the situation to be unfaithful and disrespectful to my W. Tainted has told me countless times that I am a coward and she is 100% right. I was too afraid to start over, I was too afraid to deal with the blow back from both families and I simply didn't want to destroy my W's life.

 

Tainted and I reconnected countless times throughout this period, things would steam roll right back into what they were before and then when we fight again over the fact that I said I was still trying to repair things with my W... The only thing that we ever fought about is that fact that we were never truly together.

 

I had this utterly amazing woman and I treated her like complete garbage to simply protect my W .... I wouldn't take her out in public because I was ashamed of what I was doing with her, I was deathly afraid of getting caught.

I was forcing her to put herself out there and date other men. I turned the entire relationship into ****. I was losing my best friend , my lover, more and more every single day.

 

 

I came to a point in my marriage where I decided it was right to finally give my W the only thing she every truly wanted in her life. She suffered from fertility issues and I knew that the longer I spent in this limbo, the less of a chance she would have of ever having the only thing she ever wanted.

Was I ready for a child when I agreed to start trying, NO , am i ready now, NO . But I agreed to it because I felt it was the right thing for my W. Regardless of what everyone has said on this forum about how despicable my reasoning is for this child . My intentions are to be the best father possible to my child. Plain and Simple

 

When I finally learned that my W was pregnant, the only emotion I could feel was utter sadness. I knew that I had finally destroyed the relationship that Tainted and I had. I did the only thing that could make her absolutely hate me, I knew that she would never speak to me again. Words cant even describe the feeling of knowing what I did to Tainted.

 

 

 

This entire relationship's failure is entirely my own doing, Tainted knows me better than any single person on this planet. She knows deep down inside that my intentions were never to manipulate her for anything. I know Im the one who is wrong here and I know that I need to finally let her live her life. A life that she doesn't want to live without me. I gave her no option, I will never stop loving this utterly amazing woman and I know I need to live with my decision.

 

I know that I need to stay far away from her life. Its the only way that she can open her heart again and forget about the pain I caused her.

 

Do you realize how selfish you are?

 

Do you realize you've utterly destroyed your marriage and now you've decided to bring a child into the marriage without feeling love for your wife?

 

Do you realize your whole marriage is a lie, a farce and a sham?

 

And do you expect to do counseling to grow and learn how to stop harming others with your selfish needs/actions-including your unborn child?

 

 

On another note - she was using this as her "safe place" and now that some truth is presented about how selfish your life and lack of character looks - you intrude mainly to defend yourself - that's despicable!

 

Leave her alone to heal and find love - real love - with an available man who can offer her something instead of nothing - except heartbreak!

[LadyGrey]

Posting your pov toxic doesn't change my thoughts about you. You are toxic to both women in your life. Just the word selfish doesn't even cover it........you have manipulated both women to keep them with you, never intending to give either one of them up. You are a coward as you said. You didn't want to give tainted up, nor were you strong enough to do the right thing for all, but you've created a situation where an innocent child is going to have to suffer for your selfish choices. Oh I'm sure you are telling yourself that you'll make it up to your wife and you'll be a good dad, but you always are going to have this secret. You don't have the guts to let the women in your life make an informed choice.

 

You won't do it, but you need to tell your wife, what you've been up to for 7 long years and you need to tell tainted that you will never see her again.........and you are sorry for the selfish thing you've done. You've created a ****storm of damage all around you, but your poor wife doesn't know it yet.

 

Tainted.........I'm sorry but what were you thinking giving up your id on here??

[ToxicLover43]

I'm not posting to look for forgiveness.

 

And as for a "safe place" , she told me she was posting here and sent me a direct link to the post. I've been following this thread the entire time and she knows that.

[LFH]

Toxic, may I ask then.. without getting into any of the rest,

 

How do you think it's going to feel for Tainted when she gets to see the pictures posted of you and your wife lovingly holding your newborn?

[LFH]

I wasn't done with my post before it posted... grrr.. hate that. I have been in a long term relationship myself, so I get some of the dynamic, but if you are playing your wife all this time, don't you think you should have been making sure to protect one of these women you profess to love?

[ToxicLover43]

Toxic, may I ask then.. without getting into any of the rest,

 

How do you think it's going to feel for Tainted when she gets to see the pictures posted of you and your wife lovingly holding your newborn?

 

I think it will be the most painful thing she ever sees in her entire life. She doesn't deserve this.

 

I know I'm a piece of garbage... I know what I've done to the two woman in my life. And I know tainted will never forgive me.

 

I really can't say much on here , Because everything I say will be interrupted as me trying to manipulate her again.

[LadyGrey]

I'm not posting to look for forgiveness.

 

And as for a "safe place" , she told me she was posting here and sent me a direct link to the post. I've been following this thread the entire time and she knows that.

 

Forgiveness from a bunch of strangers?? The people here, other than tainted are the last people you need to worry about. You really think you are going to get away with this and keep it hidden from your wife, don't you? Personally I hope tainted tells her what has been going on for 7 years, your wife deserves to know the truth of her life, so she can make decisions. You don't deserve either woman, you ought to be alone and figure out how you came to be what you are.

 

 

The above indicates you only came here to defend yourself, but I don't think that is gonna fly here.

 

Look........you don't deserve all the blame for this affair, tainted made a choice and now she is paying the price, but you are the ringleader in this big deception.

[ToxicLover43]

You've already interrupted her thread - so you may as well spill it.

 

What more can I say. She already said everything, I didn't post my reply to get any sympathy or forgiveness and I don't really care for the generic responses that any relationship of this type would get. No one on this forum knows me or tainted. We both know the people we are and we both know the mistakes we have made In life.

 

I regret the mistakes I have made in my life , I have never once claimed to be perfect.

 

But I do not regret meeting Tainted.