forgiveandforget Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Hi all, I found my old phone the other day that had a text log on it from my xMM. I started reading through the messages and came across a conversation about his situation at the time. He told me that he wasn't trying to compensate because things at home "are good." He also said it was scary to him that he was able to compartmentalize both relationships so well and a lot of other BS. I guess my question is do you think a married man can be happy in a marriage (and not trying to compensate) if he is having an affair? Especially one that has lasted for a good bit of time. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Selfish people aren't always unhappy...so, yeah. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I don't think so. It seems counter intuitive.....if you were truly happy with your partner why look elsewhere? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I don't think so. It seems counter intuitive.....if you were truly happy with your partner why look elsewhere? Because some people just want more than what they already have. It really can be that simple. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I don't think so. It seems counter intuitive.....if you were truly happy with your partner why look elsewhere? Because it's exciting it's new, it is fresh and it makes you feel alive because you are so used to what you have at home which has become routine and predictable, no matter how good it truly is. One can convince ones self that things are not what they should be at home, when in fact, things are just freakin' fine. I wasn't happy with my W putting on weight but it was no reason I should have gone outside our M without talking to her and telling her my concerns, and even then, I just convinced myself it was okay to do.... who was going to get hurt? Other than that we had a great relationship, always talking and sharing but the thought of fresh new younger kitty kat allowed my innter stupid to take over. It is simply caring only about yourself and your own desires/wants/needs. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I guess my question is do you think a married man can be happy in a marriage (and not trying to compensate) if he is having an affair? Especially one that has lasted for a good bit of time. Yes, I do think they can and have seen it personally. They simply love women and feel their affection and love should not be confined to one person but they conform to society's preferred construct of having a wife and children for social appearances. I have also met a few MW's like this but overwhelmingly MW's IME have been generally unhappy in their M's, whether situationally or generally. I gauge by apparent interactions with their spouse which matches their words. I'm confident happy polyamory for married females exists but it hasn't been as common as that for males IME. BTW, 'compartmentalization' isn't really BS (fake) but rather a genuine potential psychological aspect of personality. Some people have more capacity/propensity/success for/with it than others. We're all different. A relationship advisor once likened it to 'boxes'. The man pulls out the affair box, touches only things in that box, carefully puts that box away and then pulls out the wife and kids box. It happens. It's real. Good luck. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Absolutely, I definitely think its possible. Especially after reading in these forums for years. They love their wives, love their life style and love to have some excitement on the side. They are cake eaters. Yes, it happens. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Absolutely, I definitely think its possible. Especially after reading in these forums for years. They love their wives, love their life style and love to have some excitement on the side. They are cake eaters. Yes, it happens. Does it mean then that some wives could be happy staying with a wayward husband who loved them? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Does it mean then that some wives could be happy staying with a wayward husband who loved them? That would totally depend on the person. Do you mean if they know their WH is in fact wayward? Or are you asking about the wives that don't know and therefore are not given a choice? And if they don't know, I imagine it would depend on how the WH acts toward his wife once he's caught. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Because some people just want more than what they already have. It really can be that simple. Ditto. One chooses monogamy consciously. Being married doesn't mean you can and won't ever meet someone else who excites you, turns you on, stimulates your mind etc. There are multiple people who could be your "one" and when you marry, ideally you choose one out of that "group of ones" to settle down with and you choose monogamy, if that's your thing. That said: it is perfectly possible to be married, meet another person you are attracted to and if you're not careful and feed the attraction, you can end up being with two people and find that they give you different things (just like we have multiple bfs/gfs sometimes who we all liked/loved at the time, but in comparison to each other, they weren't carbon copies and you had a different but fulfilling [sometimes] relationship with each). This is one way in which someone can be fine with their relationship, but through poor boundaries, entertain others and then try to juggle both. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
LFH Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I think a person who is TRULY happy doesn't cheat. That doesn't mean that the reason he/she isn't happy is because of their spouse, or that whatever is MISSING from their life is the responsibility of their partner to be giving them, but there is something inherently unfullfilled in their life. Possibly directly inside themselves. They are not content. They are seeking "more" for whatever reason because they do not feel happy. They may never feel happy... but I don't believe that truly happy and content people who have everything they want are the ones who get involved in affairs. Your opinion may vary. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I don't think so. It seems counter intuitive.....if you were truly happy with your partner why look elsewhere? Ha, ha! Cheaters like to cheat. This has nothing to do with being happy or unhappy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I think a person who is TRULY happy doesn't cheat. That doesn't mean that the reason he/she isn't happy is because of their spouse, or that whatever is MISSING from their life is the responsibility of their partner to be giving them, but there is something inherently unfullfilled in their life. Possibly directly inside themselves. They are not content. They are seeking "more" for whatever reason because they do not feel happy. They may never feel happy... but I don't believe that truly happy and content people who have everything they want are the ones who get involved in affairs. Your opinion may vary. I agree this is true to a point and for some. But I also think there are men and women who just want more, perhaps feel some sense of entitlement. But at the end of the day, will say there was nothing wrong in their primary relationship. They simply F'd around because they could and they had a willing participant who would give them that extra attention. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
LFH Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I agree this is true to a point and for some. But I also think there are men and women who just want more, perhaps feel some sense of entitlement. But at the end of the day, will say there was nothing wrong in their primary relationship. They simply F'd around because they could and they had a willing participant who would give them that extra attention. See, then I don't think they even know what happy is.. and that tells me they aren't. People who are truly happy and content aren't looking for "more" or "extra" they're too busy enjoying what they have. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 See, then I don't think they even know what happy is.. and that tells me they aren't. People who are truly happy and content aren't looking for "more" or "extra" they're too busy enjoying what they have. Perhaps. Too bad we can't poll them all. I tend to agree with you, but I also think there are a set of people out there who just want to (for lack of a better word) f as many people as possible. Are they happy? Who knows. Should they be single, most definitely. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Perhaps. Too bad we can't poll them all. I tend to agree with you, but I also think there are a set of people out there who just want to (for lack of a better word) f as many people as possible. Are they happy? Who knows. Should they be single, most definitely. Yeah people who are players and can't stay faithful never should get married.. Or have children. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 (edited) Hate to say it, but from a biological perspective, humans were not designed to be monogamous. They were designed to procreate and reproduce. That is why the urge is so strong. But as a society, we accept monogamy (or at least, those of us who marry someone "for better and for worse" accept that). After some time goes by, though, those urges come to light. Some people want to say it's easy - if you "love someone", then you should not "want to cheat". However, I believe that people can love more than one person during a lifetime, and I also believe that people can (and do) disassociate sex from love and commitment, in order to get sex and affection and love elsewhere. That said, anyone who marries in our society needs to commit to it, and if they later find they want out or want more extracurricular activity, then they need to be honest upfront and seek viable alternatives, not lie and cheat. THAT is why I do not believe in marriage. And that is why I do not think marriage is surviving - will survive - in the long run. It goes against biology and the way that human beings were designed to be. Edited March 2, 2013 by Tenacity 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 eggplant, " Does it mean then that some wives could be happy staying with a wayward husband who loved them?" Answer: I did. I am. LHF, " See, then I don't think they even know what happy is.. and that tells me they aren't. People who are truly happy and content aren't looking for "more" or "extra" they're too busy enjoying what they have." My Comment: I disagree of course . My husband thought he was over the moon happy in our M. He Never fell out of love w/me. He NEVER told her ILY. He Did eventually tell her he was going to leave me. It was around that time he realized there was something wrong w/HIM. He knew he could never be happy w/OW but had fun w/her for a while. His happiness was w/me & our family, yes, but mostly he had to be happy w/himself & that was the biggie for him)* And finally, happiness & content can have absolutely nothing to do w/each other as far as I'm concerned. Ex; I am happy w/my M but I am not content w/it staying always the same. I want to always strive to make it better. Ex; I am happy w/my career but not content w/it remaining the same size forever so I work hard to make it better, bigger & stronger. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I think a person who is TRULY happy doesn't cheat. That doesn't mean that the reason he/she isn't happy is because of their spouse, or that whatever is MISSING from their life is the responsibility of their partner to be giving them, but there is something inherently unfullfilled in their life. Possibly directly inside themselves. They are not content. They are seeking "more" for whatever reason because they do not feel happy. They may never feel happy... but I don't believe that truly happy and content people who have everything they want are the ones who get involved in affairs. Your opinion may vary. I agree with this. I think if you're truly in LOVE with your spouse, you're not even remotely interested in the POSSIBILITY of being with anyone else. Certain people can be fairly happy NOT being in love (once the feelings fade, settle into more of a companionship type of relationship) but not everyone can. This is not the fault of the spouse, or even the person themselve's fault. It just happens and if they're not happy, well...that's unfortunate. Also certain people for whatever reason are just not happy within themselves and try to fill the hole with...whatever, and one of those "whatevers" might be another person outside their otherwise fairly happy marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 eggplant, " Does it mean then that some wives could be happy staying with a wayward husband who loved them?" Answer: I did. I am. LHF, " See, then I don't think they even know what happy is.. and that tells me they aren't. People who are truly happy and content aren't looking for "more" or "extra" they're too busy enjoying what they have." I just wanted to say I very much agree with LHF's comment above. But also, I wanted to refer to CIH's comment that she is happy staying with her WS who loves her. I was thinking to myself, how could anyone happily stay with someone who betrayed them and disrespected them and cheated on them? And I then kind of wondered what exactly is the main ISSUE with that for the BS. If it were me who'd been cheated on...would I be capable of not only staying, but being HAPPY? And I came up with the answer of - yes. IF I truly believed my spouse did love me. And still wanted to be with me (even if he had wanted something else / something more as well). So if someone cheats, what hurts the BS most? The fact their WS apparently doesn't want to be with them anymore? The fact they apparently can't love them if they could do this to them? The fact the behaviour shows a lack of respect and care? Can they believe that such behaviour actually is more about showing a lack of respect for the WS themselves as opposed to the BS? Sorry for this garbled, rambling and possibly incoherent post. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 If they are happy in their R.....why look anywhere else? Doesn't make sense! :confused::eek: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Lost, It does boggle the mind being both a BS AND an OW/OM doesn't it?! * 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 The question is: Can a MM truly be happy with his wife if he cheats? Like many others have said, the answer is yes. There are many MM that love their wives and their marriage but for many different reasons they cheat. The majority are cake eaters and just want some extra sex on the side. Some MM have deep issues within themselves, either from a personality disorder(NPD) or from baggage/upbringing in their family of origin. Some are just selfish jerks with a huge sense of entitlement!They are like a spoiled child in that they want it all and they don't care who gets hurt in the process. Eggplant, My H cheated on me in the early years of our marriage. He was the typical cake eater who thought what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. He loved me, our marriage, our kids, and our life, yet he risk it all when the opportunity presented itself. He fell apart when I left him! If your question was asking, if a wife would stay with a H who would not quit cheating even though he loved her, most BW would NOT! It wouldn't matter how much he loved me, as I would never settle for anything but a faithful H. However, there are some spouses that sit down and renegotiate their marriage into an open one that benefits both partners. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 See, then I don't think they even know what happy is.. and that tells me they aren't. People who are truly happy and content aren't looking for "more" or "extra" they're too busy enjoying what they have. Happy and content aren't the same thing. I person can be extremely happy with a house in the city--amazing house, amazing location, amazing lifestyle--and still want a house in the country. If they had the house in the country--amazing house, amazing location, amazing lifestyle--they'd still want a house in the city. What they have makes them happy! But not content. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
LFH Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Happy and content aren't the same thing. I person can be extremely happy with a house in the city--amazing house, amazing location, amazing lifestyle--and still want a house in the country. If they had the house in the country--amazing house, amazing location, amazing lifestyle--they'd still want a house in the city. What they have makes them happy! But not content. Maybe that's the piece then. I know we all come at things from our own perspective... For me to be happy I also have to be content. If I'm not content, then I'm not truly happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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