Can a MM who cheats truly be happy with his wife?

[ComingInHot]

xxoo;

EXACTLY!!

 

Therein squats the toad**

[xxoo]

Maybe that's the piece then. I know we all come at things from our own perspective... For me to be happy I also have to be content.

If I'm not content, then I'm not truly happy.

 

Contentedness comes more easily to some people than others. Some people are simply never content, even though they experience a lot of happiness. That can be an advantage professionally, but a disadvantage personally.

[MissBee]

Happy and content aren't the same thing.

 

I person can be extremely happy with a house in the city--amazing house, amazing location, amazing lifestyle--and still want a house in the country.

 

If they had the house in the country--amazing house, amazing location, amazing lifestyle--they'd still want a house in the city.

 

What they have makes them happy! But not content.

 

Great distinction.

 

I was actually speaking to a friend about this earlier in the week. Happiness is an emotion...it is transient. One is not happy 24/7. Just like one can be angry or sad, it comes and goes and at different points in a day one can be happy or sad. Like right now, I'm not unhappy, or "happy" as I type...I'm content though. Contentment is more stable and speaks of being satisfied on a deeper level besides just the transient emotions that come and go with life.

 

I remember an entire thread some time ago, don't remember the topic, but remember some discussion about entitlement and happiness came up and I said, I think perhaps some people who cheat do not understand that "happiness" comes and goes and chase happy highs or romantic highs but have no sense of contentment, which goes beyond that.

[RickFox]

You're deviating from the question, though. The original post states ESPECIALLY if it lasts a long time.

 

 

 

 

 

No, deviating would be if the question asked if it ONLY lasted a long time. An affair is a perpetual first date, the excitement remains because it is always new, I stand by my answer as a married person who was involved in an affair.

[Lostinlife4now]

XMM was happy in his marriage for what she provided to him...i.e. Taking care of the kids, cooking dinner, laundry, daily life upkeep.

 

I, on the other hand, provided him with what he needed to be a "man".

[jwi71]

Hi all,

 

I found my old phone the other day that had a text log on it from my xMM. I started reading through the messages and came across a conversation about his situation at the time. He told me that he wasn't trying to compensate because things at home "are good." He also said it was scary to him that he was able to compartmentalize both relationships so well and a lot of other BS.

 

I guess my question is do you think a married man can be happy in a marriage (and not trying to compensate) if he is having an affair? Especially one that has lasted for a good bit of time.

 

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

 

Well then they are truly unhappy either for they haven't left - the opposite also holds true.

 

But really, for me, happiness waxes and wanes. Its the ups and downs of M and kids and bills and the neighbor's dog that shyts in our lawn. Its getting home and tending to life. Sometimes its good. Sometimes its not.

 

Does my W or our M make perfectly happy ALL the time. Oh hell no. I've definitely wanted to strangle her at times. I'm equally sure the only reason I'm still alive at times is shooting me is illegal - and she's a lousy shot anyway.

 

Can any one person on this planet ever make me happy all the time?

 

Yes. Its me.

 

And I'm HAPPY with my imperfect not always happy self, my imperfect and not always happy W and my imperfect and lucky to be alive today kids.

 

...and no WAY do I jeopardize that.

 

So...no OP...people who cheat aren't happy INSIDE.

 

Has NOTHING to do with the BS.

[Fallen Petals]

I think it depends on the circumstances for this one. xMM introduced me to one of his long time friends and she and I still talk sometimes. She lives a few states over, so we haven't met in person and likely never will, but she knew him for years before I met him. She couldn't believe on Dday that he chose to stay. I have my own opinions on the matter, but it's interesting her to hear her rant about the whole thing. She says he was miserable in the M forever, that he hasn't been happy for so long that she really thought our A was an exit A for him. He had told me the same thing himself, multiple times. In fact, she believes after this round of counseling (they've gone through counseling a number of times I guess) that in under a year he'll be right back to meeting women to fill the "gaps" of his M. He had two full fledged A's -myself being the second and the only one he "loved" but he had four other one time encounters...

 

So, can they be happy? If the only reason they're cheating is for more sex or a little extra something on the side, but ultimately they are happy with the M? Yes I believe so. If it's not the M that's lacking something, but the individual - yes. If they feel there is something lacking in their partner, or in the M, then no, I don't think they'll ever be truly happy.

 

In the case of xMM - I will never know how this round of therapy turns out for him, so I am choosing to believe that each week he and his W grow closer and are able to heal and this time around something will click and they will both be happy. I am the girl that does this with most of my ex friends and relationships - I choose to believe they're out there as happy as can be and hope never to find out otherwise! LOL

[beenburned]

LinL4now,

 

Wow, so you think you have a golden va jay jay?

[beenburned]

FP,

 

So your XMM was a serial cheater and bragged about it to other people?

Does his wife know all of this info or is she being lied to/gaslighted?

Why didn't he get a divorce years ago if he was this unhappy!

[Pierre]

Hi all,

 

I found my old phone the other day that had a text log on it from my xMM. I started reading through the messages and came across a conversation about his situation at the time. He told me that he wasn't trying to compensate because things at home "are good." He also said it was scary to him that he was able to compartmentalize both relationships so well and a lot of other BS.

 

I guess my question is do you think a married man can be happy in a marriage (and not trying to compensate) if he is having an affair? Especially one that has lasted for a good bit of time.

 

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

 

Cheaters tend to be intrinsically unhappy. The happiness or lack of happiness is unrelated to the wife. They cheat because they are dishonest.

[Lostinlife4now]

LinL4now,

 

Wow, so you think you have a golden va jay jay?

 

 

Yes...I have been told!!!!! The best.......

[Lostinlife4now]

So you gave him a spine, balls and knowledge of what a real man "in his own mind" is. Good to know one doesn't have to decide that on their own or within their own psyche. It can be gifted by someone outside of themselves. I guess that also means someone outside of themselves can remove "being a real man/woman"...too much power for one to hand over control to.

 

 

Yes...It was a gift to him....He ALWAYS told me that! Never swayed from the fact that I brought him into his own. He still says it till this day!

[xxoo]

XMM was happy in his marriage for what she provided to him...i.e. Taking care of the kids, cooking dinner, laundry, daily life upkeep.

 

I, on the other hand, provided him with what he needed to be a "man".

 

In a lot of cases, the wife is also giving him that. Maybe not in yours, but if he claims to be "happy" with his wife, she probably makes him happy on a regular basis.

[LFH]

Personally, if I were the one being cheated on, I'd rather not hear him proclaim that he had been perfectly happy before he decided to have an affair... because then what's to stop him from doing it again any time he felt like it?

[xxoo]

Personally, if I were the one being cheated on, I'd rather not hear him proclaim that he had been perfectly happy before he decided to have an affair... because then what's to stop him from doing it again any time he felt like it?

 

I agree with that! Claiming (or being) happy with a marriage and cheating is a very, very bad sign for both the BS and the OW. This is not a man to be trusted with your heart.

[Pierre]

I agree with that! Claiming (or being) happy with a marriage and cheating is a very, very bad sign for both the BS and the OW. This is not a man to be trusted with your heart.

 

For the love of God! Anyone that cheats cannot be trusted. Whether the cheater is happy or not is moot. Cheating is related to dishonesty.

 

Honest happy and unhappy people do not cheat.

[xxoo]

For the love of God! Anyone that cheats cannot be trusted. Whether the cheater is happy or not is moot. Cheating is related to dishonesty.

 

Honest happy and unhappy people do not cheat.

 

I agree, but it is easier to accept poor behavior when a person is in a desperate situation than when they are in a happy situation. The hope is that if you remove the desperation, you remove the poor behavior. But if he is behaving poorly when happy, what what hope is there?

[Pierre]

I agree, but it is easier to accept poor behavior when a person is in a desperate situation than when they are in a happy situation. The hope is that if you remove the desperation, you remove the poor behavior. But if he is behaving poorly when happy, what what hope is there?

 

Agree!

[Fallen Petals]

FP,

 

So your XMM was a serial cheater and bragged about it to other people?

Does his wife know all of this info or is she being lied to/gaslighted?

Why didn't he get a divorce years ago if he was this unhappy!

 

I wouldn't say he bragged about it. He had one encounter that lasted about two months and that was what kicked things off from what I understand. Or one of the bj queens may have happened first and then the A...after the A he ratted himself out right away and did full disclosure, they went to therapy and "worked things out" then the other three bj queens happened and evidently he did partial disclosure on those...then three years later there was me. The gal he introduced me to was the last one he had a one time encounter with before me...though the thing that sent him "looking" was getting hit on by a different woman who he didn't actually "do" anything with except one make out session and an incident where he grabbed her tits??? (so for those who count that as cheating his number could be higher as I don't know if that's happened with anyone else) I think that's how the story goes - I've gone back and forth in thinking he'll just pick up again in a year or two and keep cheating, or telling myself he's going to find blissful happiness with his W this time and not look elsewhere. The reasoning behind the cheating? Neglect. She doesn't pay him any attention, they find themselves in a rut, he asks for attention and she is too tired or distracted to provide it and has a general "been there done that" attitude with sex so he has to beg for it to get it once a week (if that). Obviously this could all be completely false - but its the same exact story he gave the woman I now know. She's convinced he wants desperately to leave his W but lacks the *man parts* and is petrified at how everyone else around him will react (child, church, family, friends, etc) so can't stomach doing it for the impact it will have on the comfortable life he has - essentially he has the life he wants minus the woman he wants who loves him the way he needs to be loved...and rather than manning up and leaving and finding said woman, he cheats. Bragging about it? Not exactly. But honestly confessing all to someone like me? Yes. Even the other gal I know says I knew him better than anyone else (including W evidently)...which he told me as well on multiple occasions...yeah, the red flags were abundant. But it's over now so I get to look at them and be grateful in many ways even though my feelings for him don't just automatically turn off and there is pain involved in the entire situation...And on a completely selfish and personal note - It just plain sucks to give love freely and entirely to find out you're still a "second" choice...

[LFH]

I'll say it again... I am really missing out on this "perpetual first date" thing.... I really got screwed out by never getting my copy of the OW handbook. Holy smokes. We argue like normal people, we do laundry together, cook meals, clean up... that other set up sounds pretty sweet!!!!

(Oddly I don't really know anyone that has it)

It's just a realationship like any other. Good, bad or whatever, at the end of the day it's not made of sugar and fluff, but of hard work, caring and love.

[Elfie]

Because some people just want more than what they already have.

 

It really can be that simple.

 

And don't mind messing up someone else in the process...? (OW/BS)

[2sure]

I think a person who is TRULY happy doesn't cheat. That doesn't mean that the reason he/she isn't happy is because of their spouse, or that whatever is MISSING from their life is the responsibility of their partner to be giving them, but there is something inherently unfullfilled in their life. Possibly directly inside themselves. They are not content. They are seeking "more" for whatever reason because they do not feel happy. They may never feel happy...

but I don't believe that truly happy and content people who have everything they want are the ones who get involved in affairs.

Your opinion may vary.

 

This is true. Selfish people are like bottomless pits that can't be filled. They are unhappy with themselves, and some if them know they are happily married . Few however will come out and say...I'm selfish, that's why I cheat. Some do. It all depends what the AP needs to hear.

[stevie_23]

I'll say it again... I am really missing out on this "perpetual first date" thing.... I really got screwed out by never getting my copy of the OW handbook. Holy smokes. We argue like normal people, we do laundry together, cook meals, clean up... that other set up sounds pretty sweet!!!!

(Oddly I don't really know anyone that has it)

It's just a realationship like any other. Good, bad or whatever, at the end of the day it's not made of sugar and fluff, but of hard work, caring and love.

 

Am I right to say that your MM’s wife seems to know about you and him but doesn’t seem to really…care that much?

 

And that your MM is not planning to leave her any time to be with you fully, and this suits both of you because you’re happy with things the way they are?

 

I kind of see your relationship with him as more of a “parallel” or “concurrent” relationship that runs alongside his marriage. I don’t even see it as strictly an “affair” as such, because it seems to be another relationship your MM has that is not “secondary” or “lesser” than his relationship to his wife. I think that’s how you’re able to go along happily in this relationship, because it IS a real relationship. He just also happens to be in a relationship with his wife as well. (and your one seems a LOT happier than the one he’s got with his wife, may I just say.)

[LFH]

Am I right to say that your MM’s wife seems to know about you and him but doesn’t seem to really…care that much?

 

And that your MM is not planning to leave her any time to be with you fully, and this suits both of you because you’re happy with things the way they are?

 

I kind of see your relationship with him as more of a “parallel” or “concurrent” relationship that runs alongside his marriage. I don’t even see it as strictly an “affair” as such, because it seems to be another relationship your MM has that is not “secondary” or “lesser” than his relationship to his wife. I think that’s how you’re able to go along happily in this relationship, because it IS a real relationship. He just also happens to be in a relationship with his wife as well. (and your one seems a LOT happier than the one he’s got with his wife, may I just say.)

I don't know what she has decided to believe. I don't care today. Today I am having the kind of day where the things I'd like to say about her will just get 19 people telling me I'm a selfish evil witch so I'm gonna refrain.

I do agree with you that it is probably because of the type of relationship we have that allows us to be happy and content, and because it can't be different anyway.

He also doesn't put our relationship after his other "life". It's often put before theirs. I used to tell him she always needed to come first, but I don't say that anymore.

[Furious]

This is true. Selfish people are like bottomless pits that can't be filled. They are unhappy with themselves, and some if them know they are happily married . Few however will come out and say...I'm selfish, that's why I cheat. Some do. It all depends what the AP needs to hear.

 

I liken selfish people who cheat no matter how good they have it in the marriage and family, as those that too much is not enough.

 

I totally agree with you 2sure.

 

I think of "all you can eat buffets", is there enough to eat for $9.99, just look at those who are piling their plates as if there's no tomorrow, some are literally going to explode but they keep on piling more shrimp on their plates as if the sea might dry up.

 

Some cheaters are buffet addicts:D:D:D