Can a MM who cheats truly be happy with his wife?

[stevie_23]

I don't know what she has decided to believe. I don't care today. Today I am having the kind of day where the things I'd like to say about her will just get 19 people telling me I'm a selfish evil witch so I'm gonna refrain.

I do agree with you that it is probably because of the type of relationship we have that allows us to be happy and content, and because it can't be different anyway.

He also doesn't put our relationship after his other "life". It's often put before theirs. I used to tell him she always needed to come first, but I don't say that anymore.

 

I understand this way of thinking. Not that it’s the same thing, but earlier on, I used to say to my ex-MM that I could never “step on” his wife’s (well, they weren’t married then, but whatever) feet. And he said he’d never want to come between my partner and I either. But as time wore on, we stopped saying that. We let the other take the lead in respect of how we were supposed to feel or be about that.

 

And don't worry about feeling badly towards your MM's wife right now. She affects him, and whatever affects him affects you and your relationship too. It's hard enough being in a happy relationship, let alone having another person involved but NOT directly involved, impacting on you as well!

[stevie_23]

I likenI think of "all you can eat buffets", is there enough to eat for $9.99, just look at those who are piling their plates as if there's no tomorrow, some are literally going to explode but they keep on piling more shrimp on their plates as if the sea might dry up.

 

Some cheaters are buffet addicts:D:D:D

 

OMG! This is so true! I’m joking about this, but LITERALLY, I LOVE buffets! Whenever I go to one, I stuff myself with endless amounts of food. I take 2 bowls and fill them full of the various desserts!

[Furious]

OMG! This is so true! I’m joking about this, but LITERALLY, I LOVE buffets! Whenever I go to one, I stuff myself with endless amounts of food. I take 2 bowls and fill them full of the various desserts!

 

 

Lol...the more we have the more we want.

[stevie_23]

I’ve always been a sweet tooth. I contain myself with the main course and savoury foods, but the sweet stuff gets me every time.

[LadyGrey]

I understand this way of thinking. Not that it’s the same thing, but earlier on, I used to say to my ex-MM that I could never “step on” his wife’s (well, they weren’t married then, but whatever) feet. And he said he’d never want to come between my partner and I either. But as time wore on, we stopped saying that. We let the other take the lead in respect of how we were supposed to feel or be about that.

 

The above..........how can you say that with a straight face stevie? Do you still believe that you weren't stepping on her and that you weren't coming between him and his wife and you and your SO?

[stevie_23]

Of course I was stepping on her. And of course he wanted to “come between” my partner and I and be the only one I was with.

 

My point was that initially we felt differently, and then let ourselves move beyond that and “forget” those initial intentions. I was just saying in regard to LHF’s post about how she used to care more about her MM’s feelings towards his wife and now she doesn’t so much anymore.

[LadyGrey]

I liken selfish people who cheat no matter how good they have it in the marriage and family, as those that too much is not enough.

 

I totally agree with you 2sure.

 

I think of "all you can eat buffets", is there enough to eat for $9.99, just look at those who are piling their plates as if there's no tomorrow, some are literally going to explode but they keep on piling more shrimp on their plates as if the sea might dry up.

 

Some cheaters are buffet addicts:D:D:D

 

I'm not much on buffets, I'm always thinking whose hands have been in it, who sneezed on it, etc, well you get the picture. lol I even think about how many other people's germ laden hands have touched that spoon. NO I'm not a germaphobe, but buffets give me the heebie jeebies.

 

Sorry that was very OT........... or was it?

[LadyGrey]

Of course I was stepping on her. And of course he wanted to “come between” my partner and I and be the only one I was with.

 

My point was that initially we felt differently, and then let ourselves move beyond that and “forget” those initial intentions. I was just saying in regard to LHF’s post about how she used to care more about her MM’s feelings towards his wife and now she doesn’t so much anymore.

 

I don't think LHF's bullshtyes herself much about anything, I think she just doesn't like the woman. Fair and accurate.......I don't know.

[stevie_23]

No, she’s always honest on here and with herself too, I think.

 

I don’t dislike my ex-MM’s wife. I don’t know her and from what he told me, she seems like a nice, good person. But it doesn’t matter if I like her or not.

 

And yes, the buffet comment IS accurate to an extent and relevant to this topic. lol

[Wellington]

I can't speak for men, considering the whole "Men are from Mars" ruling. Although, Im not quite convinced that as different sexes we are all that far apart when it comes to human nature in general.

 

Speaking for myself, if I were truly happy within my marriage I would NOT look outside. My husband had an affair on me. He blamed me for having it, saying he felt neglected. Years later, I had mine for the exact same reason.

 

I would have to say, from experience, people who cheat are unhappy.

[TheOW]

I havent read through all the posts but here is what my xMM said when i asked him this a while ago,

 

He always said he was happy in his marriage and would never leave his wife because he loved her and always had done since they were teenagers, this did not prevent him from falling in love with me though, his love with his wife is an old love a bond that will never be broken his love for me was new and exciting. but he also said that if he was truly happy in his marriage he would not be cheating he said rewind 5 years ago and there would be no way in hell he would have cheated but he holds some resentment for his wife (they had a difficult few years before we met) she thought everything was ok and they were moving forward from the arguments but he admits that he still holds that resentment.

Edited March 4, 2013 by TheOW

[Decorative]

I can't speak for men, considering the whole "Men are from Mars" ruling. Although, Im not quite convinced that as different sexes we are all that far apart when it comes to human nature in general.

 

Speaking for myself, if I were truly happy within my marriage I would NOT look outside. My husband had an affair on me. He blamed me for having it, saying he felt neglected. Years later, I had mine for the exact same reason.

 

I would have to say, from experience, people who cheat are unhappy.

 

I think people who cheat are not happy with themselves, intrinsically. I think they don't know how to properly self soothe. I think it has very little if anything to do with either partner- spouse or other person.

 

And so they hurt others in the process.

 

And I think people who were betrayed and then do it to another person- are very, very damaged. And need help finding out what drove them not only to cheat, but to inflict a specific pain that they felt themselves.

[Pierre]

I havent read through all the posts but here is what my xMM said when i asked him this a while ago,

 

He always said he was happy in his marriage and would never leave his wife because he loved her and always had done since they were teenagers, this did not prevent him from falling in love with me though, his love with his wife is an old love a bond that will never be broken his love for me was new and exciting.

 

This is correct. When one is in a long term relationship it is possible to fall in love again with a new person if they spend a lot of time together. This is quite normal. That is why the workplace is such a fertile place for infidelity. Only the most pious can put on the breaks. Others recognize they are about to cross the line and stop. Having or not having an affair has nothing to do with loving or not loving the spouse at home. The affair is all about the person having the affair.

 

 

 

but he also said that if he was truly happy in his marriage he would not be cheating he said rewind 5 years ago and there would be no way in hell he would have cheated but he holds some resentment for his wife (they had a difficult few years before we met) she thought everything was ok and they were moving forward from the arguments but he admits that he still holds that resentment.

 

What is he supposed to say? To have an affair one needs to create resentment to the spouse. Without creating that resentment it is difficult to have the affair. Others go as far as to re-write the marital history.

 

Long term attachment may seem dull at times but it has a stronger bond than the "butterflies new love romance". I see this all the time and it goes along with the works of the experts.

[skylarblue]

I believe xMM was happy in his M in the general sense. The A started as just pure luck and opportunity on his part. All of the complaints I've heard about her are either bogus, pet peeves, mountain out of a molehill, or blame-shifting type stuff. I've never once heard a "legitimate" complaint like there was no intimacy or communication or that she was lazy, unappealing to him, etc (other than typical name calling). Even when I asked him why he decided to go there with me, he said because I had intrigued him and on another occasion because it was an once in a lifetime opportunity. Never the mention that it was because of an unfulfillment in his M.

 

I have asked him about his marital happiness. He claims his M was unhappy before me and the A had no detrimental affect on it, but I call bullsh*t. I think he became unhappy with his W/M because of the A, not that he had the A because he was unhappy. I had and provided alot of things his W didn't. Not that they were necessarily "missing" in his M, but because I could indulge him in all the things/ways he found favorable every time we spoke or saw each other. IMO he was only unhappy in comparison which really wasn't even a fair match.

 

I wasn't in their M, but my perception of her is she was just trying to be a good W and mother. I also know that however he felt he was quite adamant and clear that he wanted to and had all intentions of staying married to her.

[Pierre]

I believe xMM was happy in his M in the general sense. The A started as just pure luck and opportunity on his part. All of the complaints I've heard about her are either bogus, pet peeves, mountain out of a molehill, or blame-shifting type stuff. I've never once heard a "legitimate" complaint like there was no intimacy or communication or that she was lazy, unappealing to him, etc (other than typical name calling). Even when I asked him why he decided to go there with me, he said because I had intrigued him and on another occasion because it was an once in a lifetime opportunity. Never the mention that it was because of an unfulfillment in his M.

 

I have asked him about his marital happiness. He claims his M was unhappy before me and the A had no detrimental affect on it, but I call bullsh*t. I think he became unhappy with his W/M because of the A, not that he had the A because he was unhappy. I had and provided alot of things his W didn't. Not that they were necessarily "missing" in his M, but because I could indulge him in all the things/ways he found favorable every time we spoke or saw each other. IMO he was only unhappy in comparison which really wasn't even a fair match.

 

I wasn't in their M, but my perception of her is she was just trying to be a good W and mother. I also know that however he felt he was quite adamant and clear that he wanted to and had all intentions of staying married to her.

 

 

A man may be extremely happy with his wife.

 

But, the OW can give this man a new vagina and that is something that the wife at home cannot do.

[skylarblue]

Just wanted to add that conversely there are unhappy MM who didn't cheat. Instead of cheating, they either filed for D or worked on their M to change it. It takes more than being happy to be committed to a M. At the least, it takes a level of unwavering personal integrity that extends to the honor, respect, and value of one's commitment by given word/promise, created duties and responsibilities, and fair and appropriate behavior guided by moral compass and conscience. At the most, it takes all of those things enhanced or inspired by his love for his W.

[2sure]

I know my xH was happy with the marriage. He turned out to be a serial cheater. He needed constant new validation, he enjoyed the covert operations, he was selfish, and insecure. Whatever. So, I said here that yes happily Married people can certainly cheat.

 

But that's not the only personal experience I draw from.

Prior to meeting the above husband, I was OW. For reasons that have nothing o do with the subject, I was OW more than once.

 

Each Of these men were a particular type. Sucessful, had free time, could travel, give me things I wanted. These guys were not insecure. They thought a lot of themselves. They thought their wives and families were perfect, and just what they had deserved and earned. They just wanted more. No doubt about it. And they admitted this themselves.

 

But. Upon getting to know each of them...they did start with the ...unhappy marriage, no sex, martyr for he kids, yada yada. I stopped them because...well, I wasn't interested , I didnt want to hear it. They had just thrown all that out there as an auto response.

 

These guys were beyond thrilled with themselves to have a beautiful wife, a wonderful family, a sportscar, and a girlfriend. Tickled.

 

My point is, they were all ready to tell a potential OW what ever they thought she wanted to hear so that she could justify the affair to herself.

 

It seems like some of the posters here doubting that a happily married man would cheat...are current OW who need to believe this.

[spice4life]

Just wanted to add that conversely there are unhappy MM who didn't cheat. Instead of cheating, they either filed for D or worked on their M to change it. It takes more than being happy to be committed to a M. At the least, it takes a level of unwavering personal integrity that extends to the honor, respect, and value of one's commitment by given word/promise, created duties and responsibilities, and fair and appropriate behavior guided by moral compass and conscience. At the most, it takes all of those things enhanced or inspired by his love for his W.

 

Nice post.