Why wont he marry me???

[natemich]

Please consider that there is a very good reason he will not marry you. Trying to convince him to anyway is a terrible idea. I am so sorry that you are invested so heavily in this relationship, but the sooner you get out of it the better.

 

His actions (as you described them) do not sound normal in any way.

[M30USA]

There was a day when most men eagerly looked forward to marriage. This was when the laws didn't destory them in the event of divorce. Any man who isn't at least a little hesitant to marry, given the 55% divorce rate combined with the clearly anti-husband/father laws, is simply foolish. A man should take his sweet time. Don't put the pressure on MEN. You could equally turn it around and say why are WOMEN so forceful to marry? Use basic human psychology. Regardless if you're man or woman, people are always eager to enter a deal when they know they're getting the better deal. Forget the man/woman debate. Women are so eager to marry because they have nothing to lose and everything to gain. "Oh well," they say, "even in the event we divorce, at least I'll get the house, the kids most of the time, and I'll be able to get 50% of what my husband makes for life." What does a man get in divorce? Um...his kids 25-45% of time (if he's lucky and doesn't get falsely accused of any abuse), no money from his wife, and loses the house--most likely to be lived in by the new step-dad...as he, himself, sleeps in a basement apartment, paying for his ex's house om top of his own basement apartment. Oh, but that won't happen to you? Right, I said the same thing. Nobody ever thinks it will happen to them. Ever.

Edited March 5, 2013 by M30USA

[MissBee]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We have lived together for 2.5 years. Met in college (18yrs old) and have been in a solid relationship ever since. We spend all of our free time together and have mostly mutual friends. He is the sweetest, smartest, most wonderful person I know. A year ago we purchased a house together 50/50.

 

I find it very embarrassing to constantly say "boyfriend" to people who ask about us. Especially when introducing ourselves to anyone. I feel like a kid saying "boyfriend" because saying husband would be a lie.

 

Three years ago we both purchased an engagement ring. A year went by and no proposal....

 

I started dropping hints....Nothing

 

So then it became a nagging situation. All of my friends were getting married and everyone knowing about our LONG relationship started asking when we were going to get married.

Then, after me nagging and nagging, he proposed. Well, not quite. We were in the mall parking lot and he handed me a duct-taped box. NOT EVEN down on one knee... didn't even ask me to marry him... he just kinda said "here".

 

That was 1.5 yrs ago. Still no talks about marriage... I guess im kinda engaged??? People are CONSTANTLY asking about setting a date... I just change the subject.

 

My question is... what should I do? This is a "why buy the cow" kinda scenario. We like together, pay bills together, I cook for him, clean up after him. EVERYTHING a wife should do but just not a wife.

 

My feelings are very hurt because of this lack of affection. I just dont know what I should do.

 

Wow @ the bold.

 

I personally don't believe in being in any relationship for more than 3 years (if you're out of college and are an adult) without having any talks or discussion of both of your mutual goals for the relationship. I have to know if a man I'm seeing wants to be married, wants kids, and all those crucial things before I proceed to move in, buy a house together, etc. It eliminates the whole why buy the cow thing or at least makes it less likely that you'll heavily invest in a situation where you do not share the same end of getting married, if that's your desire.

 

Has he ever said he wanted to get married? You shouldn't have to twist his arm into marrying you. Has he ever explained why he doesn't want to "make it official"?

Edited March 5, 2013 by MissBee

[samsungxoxo]

There was a day when most men eagerly looked forward to marriage. This was when the laws didn't destory them in the event of divorce. Any man who isn't at least a little hesitant to marry, given the 55% divorce rate combined with the clearly anti-husband/father laws, is simply foolish. A man should take his sweet time. Don't put the pressure on MEN. You could equally turn it around and say why are WOMEN so forceful to marry? Use basic human psychology. Regardless if you're man or woman, people are always eager to enter a deal when they know they're getting the better deal. Forget the man/woman debate. Women are so eager to marry because they have nothing to lose and everything to gain. "Oh well," they say, "even in the event we divorce, at least I'll get the house, the kids most of the time, and I'll be able to get 50% of what my husband makes for life." What does a man get in divorce? Um...his kids 25-45% of time (if he's lucky and doesn't get falsely accused of any abuse), no money from his wife, and loses the house--most likely to be lived in by the new step-dad...as he, himself, sleeps in a basement apartment, paying for his ex's house om top of his own basement apartment. Oh, but that won't happen to you? Right, I said the same thing. Nobody ever thinks it will happen to them. Ever.

Sorry to hear this happened to you with your abusive ex wife (I read your previous threads) but you can't be putting all women in the same bag. I'm definitely not a golddigger nor I'm I desperate for a man's money. That's for women that never want to study nor work. I do both.

 

I want a childfree marriage in the future. It has nothing to do with being after his money. I want a life partner who I will see everyday, help him with the bills, do chores with him, travel to places and share an emotional connection with. I just not going to consider being in gf status forever.

[M30USA]

Sorry to hear this happened to you with your abusive ex wife (I read your previous threads) but you can't be putting all women in the same bag. I'm definitely not a golddigger nor I'm I desperate for a man's money. That's for women that never want to study nor work. I do both.

 

I want a childfree marriage in the future. It has nothing to do with being after his money. I want a life partner who I will see everyday, help him with the bills, do chores with him, travel to places and share an emotional connection with. I just not going to consider being in gf status forever.

 

Fair enough. Yea I guess I'm a bit jaded in the marriage department.

[man_in_the_box]

I want a childfree marriage in the future. It has nothing to do with being after his money. I want a life partner who I will see everyday, help him with the bills, do chores with him, travel to places and share an emotional connection with. I just not going to consider being in gf status forever.

 

So in its basic essentials it comes down to having a status?

[samsungxoxo]

So in its basic essentials it comes down to having a status?

It's about real commitment, not an ''I like spending time with you, think I've fallen in love and you're my best friend but can't imagine living with you forever'' bs.

 

If I get to the point where I fully trust him (even with my life) but he doesn't trust me enough to make that commitment then it's not worth my time.

Edited March 6, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[Eggplant]

It's about real commitment, not an ''I like spending time with you, think I've fallen in love and you're my best friend but can't imagine living with you forever'' bs.

 

Exactly! He needs to adore you and be crazy enough about you to take such a tremendous plunge and commit himself all the way, no going back. That is the kind of plunge that you will go through when you have children, and you need to be in it all the way, together.

 

And if his love for you is not of that order of magnitude, he should absolutely not marry you, because only love of that kind is enough to survive the decades and raise children.

[HeavenOrHell]

You sound mismatched in the marriage department, you also sound more concerned about what others think than you do about wanting to be his wife.

 

Maybe he's not the marrying type, maybe he's realistic, maybe he can't promise he will be with you forever, as no-one knows how they will feel in a few days/weeks/months/year's time.

 

There's no guarantee in any r/ship, why not just enjoy for what it is, it doesn't matter what your label is, all that matters is you love each other, marriage doesn't prove commitment, many marriages fail anyway. I wasn't married but was with someone for 18 years until a few years ago, we were solid for a long time and we thought it was for life, our r/ship lasted longer than many marriages do but it still ended.

 

I can't see the point in nagging someone into asking them to marry you, it means you're pressuring him into it whether he wants it or not.

 

People need to butt out and stop asking you when you're going to get married, it's no-one else's business.

 

Haven't read the replies here, so I'm guessing people have said either talk to him about it and if he's not into marriage then you need to deal with it or break up and find someone who is into marriage.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We have lived together for 2.5 years. Met in college (18yrs old) and have been in a solid relationship ever since. We spend all of our free time together and have mostly mutual friends. He is the sweetest, smartest, most wonderful person I know. A year ago we purchased a house together 50/50.

 

I find it very embarrassing to constantly say "boyfriend" to people who ask about us. Especially when introducing ourselves to anyone. I feel like a kid saying "boyfriend" because saying husband would be a lie.

 

Three years ago we both purchased an engagement ring. A year went by and no proposal....

 

I started dropping hints....Nothing

 

So then it became a nagging situation. All of my friends were getting married and everyone knowing about our LONG relationship started asking when we were going to get married.

 

Then, after me nagging and nagging, he proposed. Well, not quite. We were in the mall parking lot and he handed me a duct-taped box. NOT EVEN down on one knee... didn't even ask me to marry him... he just kinda said "here".

 

That was 1.5 yrs ago. Still no talks about marriage... I guess im kinda engaged??? People are CONSTANTLY asking about setting a date... I just change the subject.

 

My question is... what should I do? This is a "why buy the cow" kinda scenario. We like together, pay bills together, I cook for him, clean up after him. EVERYTHING a wife should do but just not a wife.

 

My feelings are very hurt because of this lack of affection. I just dont know what I should do.

[Lauriebell82]

That sounds great and empowering but. It wouldn't work... I have all of my money in this house, plus he knows I wouldn't even think of leaving him. We are even planning to start trying for a baby next year. This guys just AFRIAD to get married??? Is this normal?

 

Why do you want to have a baby who refuses to marry you? I get that you may be non-traditional (and that's fine) but with your relationship in limbo, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to add a baby to the mix.

[samsungxoxo]

Why do you want to have a baby who refuses to marry you? I get that you may be non-traditional (and that's fine) but with your relationship in limbo, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to add a baby to the mix.

Exactly... OP is giving it all for free while the guy doesn't have to do in return.

 

Time to stop giving free milk.

[Leigh 87]

Exactly... OP is giving it all for free while the guy doesn't have to do in return.

 

Time to stop giving free milk.

 

You do realise that a man can be absolutely in love, and be crazy about a women, without wanting to marry her?

 

Some people see no use in marrying. It does not matter to them.

 

A lot of people who totally adore their partners do not marry; and it is not due to their lack of love for their mate....

The OP's partner could simply never want marriage with any women he falls in love with; on the other hand, he may meet a new women one day and fall more in love with her, to the extent where he realised he DOES want to marry, but had not found the right women until now..

 

We are online, and therefore we cannot make statements such as the one you made, inferring that the reason this guy does not want to get married means he does not want to be with this women forever.

[Lauriebell82]

You do realise that a man can be absolutely in love, and be crazy about a women, without wanting to marry her?

 

Some people see no use in marrying. It does not matter to them.

 

A lot of people who totally adore their partners do not marry; and it is not due to their lack of love for their mate....

The OP's partner could simply never want marriage with any women he falls in love with; on the other hand, he may meet a new women one day and fall more in love with her, to the extent where he realised he DOES want to marry, but had not found the right women until now..

 

We are online, and therefore we cannot make statements such as the one you made, inferring that the reason this guy does not want to get married means he does not want to be with this women forever.

 

Yeah, but it doesnt sound like he is saying "I love you, but dont want to get married." There is something else going on most likely.

[samsungxoxo]

You do realise that a man can be absolutely in love, and be crazy about a women, without wanting to marry her?

 

Some people see no use in marrying. It does not matter to them.

Yes and that's not the type of love I want. Not good enough for me.

[samsungxoxo]

The OP's partner could simply never want marriage with any women he falls in love with; on the other hand, he may meet a new women one day and fall more in love with her, to the extent where he realised he DOES want to marry, but had not found the right women until now..

If that's the case then he's stringing along the OP. Nothing more offensive than the guy being very unwilling to marry his live-in gf to marry another woman he meets later on.

What about the poor girl who wasted her time thinking she was the one for him?? Not fair. I would much rather prefer being told ''You're not the woman I want to marry'' straight to my face than giving false promises or expectations and him stringing me along.

[ASG]

If that's the case then he's stringing along the OP. Nothing more offensive than the guy being very unwilling to marry his live-in gf to marry another woman he meets later on.

What about the poor girl who wasted her time thinking she was the one for him?? Not fair. I would much rather prefer being told ''You're not the woman I want to marry'' straight to my face than giving false promises or expectations and him stringing me along.

 

 

That supposed the person KNOWS you're not the one. Some people just never thought about getting married. At all. It never crossed their minds it would be something they'd want to do. And then one day that changes. It happens and it's not stringing along. People change.

 

I don't understand why people are so obsessed with marriage. At the end of the day, it doesn't make the relationship stronger or harder to break.

With this I'm not saying I'm against it. I want the wedding and the party. But that's *WHY* I want to get married. Not because I'll feel more secure in my relationship. Or to feel that I'm giving away free milk! I'm not a cow. I don't believe in the "free milk" metaphor, because it implies that the marriage is only good for women, when it should be a mutually beneficial contract.

[Lauriebell82]

That supposed the person KNOWS you're not the one. Some people just never thought about getting married. At all. It never crossed their minds it would be something they'd want to do. And then one day that changes. It happens and it's not stringing along. People change.

 

I don't understand why people are so obsessed with marriage. At the end of the day, it doesn't make the relationship stronger or harder to break.

With this I'm not saying I'm against it. I want the wedding and the party. But that's *WHY* I want to get married. Not because I'll feel more secure in my relationship. Or to feel that I'm giving away free milk! I'm not a cow. I don't believe in the "free milk" metaphor, because it implies that the marriage is only good for women, when it should be a mutually beneficial contract.

 

I dont believe in the metaphor, I personally dont feel that is why a man doesn't want to get married. A man who is really in love would never consider using a woman for her milk. My husband never did. And he doesnt have everything he needs by living with his gf... He doesn't have her for his wife.

[man_in_the_box]

It's about real commitment, not an ''I like spending time with you, think I've fallen in love and you're my best friend but can't imagine living with you forever'' bs.

 

If I get to the point where I fully trust him (even with my life) but he doesn't trust me enough to make that commitment then it's not worth my time.

 

Oh, okay. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to yank anyone's chain. I'm just curious.

 

I just don't see why marriage and "real commitment" (whatever that entails) are considered mutually exclusive. I'm committed to my relationship whether I'm married or not and I'm not staying in a relationship or marriage if either one is a sinking ship that's going to leave me broken. (That does not mean to throw the towel in the ring directly ofcourse but I assume you understand what I'm trying to get across)

[Dragonfruit]

There was a day when most men eagerly looked forward to marriage. This was when the laws didn't destory them in the event of divorce. Any man who isn't at least a little hesitant to marry, given the 55% divorce rate combined with the clearly anti-husband/father laws, is simply foolish. A man should take his sweet time. Don't put the pressure on MEN. You could equally turn it around and say why are WOMEN so forceful to marry? Use basic human psychology. Regardless if you're man or woman, people are always eager to enter a deal when they know they're getting the better deal. Forget the man/woman debate. Women are so eager to marry because they have nothing to lose and everything to gain. "Oh well," they say, "even in the event we divorce, at least I'll get the house, the kids most of the time, and I'll be able to get 50% of what my husband makes for life." What does a man get in divorce? Um...his kids 25-45% of time (if he's lucky and doesn't get falsely accused of any abuse), no money from his wife, and loses the house--most likely to be lived in by the new step-dad...as he, himself, sleeps in a basement apartment, paying for his ex's house om top of his own basement apartment. Oh, but that won't happen to you? Right, I said the same thing. Nobody ever thinks it will happen to them. Ever.

 

Um, no. The assets are divided in half. The most he will have to pay is 1/3 of his income. She probably makes less due to time lost with the children. She will have the children most of the time. Claiming that the man gets the short end of the stick is just self-centered, look around at the life of single mothers with children. The women and children always have it the worst, NOT the fathers, sorry.

[Dragonfruit]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We have lived together for 2.5 years. Met in college (18yrs old) and have been in a solid relationship ever since. We spend all of our free time together and have mostly mutual friends. He is the sweetest, smartest, most wonderful person I know. A year ago we purchased a house together 50/50.

 

I find it very embarrassing to constantly say "boyfriend" to people who ask about us. Especially when introducing ourselves to anyone. I feel like a kid saying "boyfriend" because saying husband would be a lie.

 

Three years ago we both purchased an engagement ring. A year went by and no proposal....

 

I started dropping hints....Nothing

 

So then it became a nagging situation. All of my friends were getting married and everyone knowing about our LONG relationship started asking when we were going to get married.

 

Then, after me nagging and nagging, he proposed. Well, not quite. We were in the mall parking lot and he handed me a duct-taped box. NOT EVEN down on one knee... didn't even ask me to marry him... he just kinda said "here".

 

That was 1.5 yrs ago. Still no talks about marriage... I guess im kinda engaged??? People are CONSTANTLY asking about setting a date... I just change the subject.

 

My question is... what should I do? This is a "why buy the cow" kinda scenario. We like together, pay bills together, I cook for him, clean up after him. EVERYTHING a wife should do but just not a wife.

 

My feelings are very hurt because of this lack of affection. I just dont know what I should do.

 

I agree with Kathy. I think you need to have a serious talk, with a marriage counselor if you can't get any further than you have. Not to coerce him but simply to get full honesty and full disclosure of his feelings, wishes, and intentions. Listen, if he has decided he's just not sure about you after eight years, then you are simply not the one for him and that's that. Not being married and continuing a life with him on a second rate basis is not going to change his feelings and does not sound nice for you at all. Unfortunately, I think you may have already been given his answer loud and clear by his actions, but men can be strange so give him a chance. I would especially listen to the men's take on it because it's probably much closer to how he actually thinks than what us women come up with on that. If you want to be a wife and mother as I can tell you do, I think you are going to have to accept reality and move on with your life and find someone else who is enthusiastic about making a permanent life with you and proclaiming that to the world. Invite him to set a date in the very near future or start packing, is my advice. Sometimes life is hard and doesn't go our way and just sucks, but I would not allow him to take your dreams from you if your place in his heart is not as high as it should be. More time is not going to fix this. I'm sorry. Good luck to you.

Edited March 9, 2013 by Dragonfruit

[ASG]

I dont believe in the metaphor, I personally dont feel that is why a man doesn't want to get married. A man who is really in love would never consider using a woman for her milk. My husband never did. And he doesnt have everything he needs by living with his gf... He doesn't have her for his wife.

 

Yes, of course! But you can imagine that for some people that doesn't mean much, right? Men AND women!

And, maybe it's a cultural thing, but most of the couples I know that have lived together for, say, more than a year or two, don't refer to each other as GF/BF but as husband/wife, even if they haven't signed a piece of paper making it official. It's just the way they feel, and, they haven't gotten married for whatever reason (lack of funds, lack of belief in the signing a paper, whatever).

 

That is the only point I'm trying to make.

[lavenderlove]

I have been through the identical situation.

Now I left him. I gave him the ultimatum two years ago, and had the same kind of half hearted "here" and now I moved on. I feel happy, that now I have the chance to meet someone who might actually truly and deeply love me and not let me walk out of his life.

 

It may seem really hard at first, but even 8 years and half a house doesn't worth you being with someone who passes you a ring in a parking lot.

[Gagirl]

Tell him to take Friday off so you two can go to courthouse and get married. Make sure the JOP will be available before putting this out there. If he's serious he will go through with it otherwise, he will make some excuse. If he says let's wait then pin him down to an exact date. If he says a year, then set the date a year from now. If you are just going to do a courthouse wedding, there really isn't a reason to put it off. Most men just don't want to get involved in the wedding process and want the woman to set the date and make the arrangements. You can throw a nice reception a few weeks after the ceremony if you like.

[pureinheart]

The nagging is the worst part. Nowadays all I do is nag and bring it up passive aggressively. If he DOES eventually say "fine" and we go down to city hall and just do it. Thats the lamest marriage ever! With that and the parking lot engagement... Really makes me feel like crap.

 

I did this in a relationship...the "shotgun engagement" type. We had only been together for a little over a year, but in that year I moved in with him and it was a disaster. He was an ok person, and had I stayed with him there never would have been a money worry, he was quite generous and wanted to offer me the world in that respect and had the means.

 

It felt like severe comprimise, and felt like I was selling myself out...that's why I pushed to "make things right", but, would they have been right? No. He wasn't into marriage (even though he said he was). His last relationship was over ten years and they never married (big clue for me right there).

 

I moved out and we eventually ended the nightmare. This was in '97 or so and to my knowledge he still has never married.

 

Some people due to whatever reason just cannot do marriage.

 

Another thing to consider is the "romantic" portion of this. What you are describing is not romantic at all, shotgun types never are IME. Also, he knows you want this really bad, but still holds back? That is a big red flag- you should be everything to him, and holding back says to me that there is a big part of him that he doesnot want to give to you- sorry to be blunt, although BTDT:o

[pureinheart]

I have been through the identical situation.

Now I left him. I gave him the ultimatum two years ago, and had the same kind of half hearted "here" and now I moved on. I feel happy, that now I have the chance to meet someone who might actually truly and deeply love me and not let me walk out of his life.

 

It may seem really hard at first, but even 8 years and half a house doesn't worth you being with someone who passes you a ring in a parking lot.

 

Thank. You.