Real love or my love

[fantasy]

I've been daing a woman for 9 months. My 2nd major Rel. and I'm 32. We have been in couples counseling for a couple months, Working on all typws of good stuff. but....I still have all the ecpectatons of what my "perfect" relationship will feel like, look like, but my real relationship, which started out feeling "perfect" and I was all "she could be the one," is now dissapointing and boring. I know for fact that she is able to love me unconditionally, and does, but I have all the conditions: If she could only talk about her feelings more, get over her old wounds, like the same music I like, have sex when I want it, do things to me that I want, be in the same moods I'm in, and finally, just be "the one." so I can sleep at night know I found her.

 

Am I crazy? How do I know if I'm seaching for real love or a real dream? How do I know if this attractive, loving, inperfect women who offers me her love, in her way, is the one, and I'm gonna pass because I think there is something better, like I fantasize about.

[Tony T]

There is no perfect person, nowhere, nohow. Your objective should be to find someone to love and care for, not someone who is perfect. Sure, some may seem perfect in the begining, not because they actually are, but because we make them so in our mind.

 

If you continue your unrealistic expectations of finding that perfect person, you will die a very lonely man.

 

Now as far as I'm concerned, you are very much the wrong man for the woman you are with. If I were a woman, I would NEVER want someone so demanding, so selfish, so self centered, so unyeilding, so egocentric to want everything exactly how he wanted it, when he wanted it, for me to like everything he liked, etc. You are one absolutely PERFECT JERK!!!

 

You sound like the most spoiled person on the planet. I know you are probably a decent guy, maybe an only child, but you were raised with some awsomely crazy notion that there had to be someone out there to be exactly what you wanted 24/7. That is insane. But the fact that you are looking for this and demanding it tells me you have a lot of work to do on yourself to achieve happiness in romance.

 

Nobody was put on this earth to be at your beck and call. First, if nobody has told you, finding a woman who really and truly cares about you and loves you in the most sincere way is the greatest thing you could possibly do while you are on this planet. If you can't bend a little in your demands when you find that person, you truly have problems of your very own...which have nothing to do with the lady.

 

You are no marriage material right now. Until you make some major changes in your demands and expectations, any relationship you enter will be doomed. You will absolutely destroy all relationships you become a part of. There is no human on this planet, unless they are totally fake and willing to be that way for a lifetime, that can be all things to you...or at least act like it. There is no human who can keep that act up forever.

 

Loving someone is being able to accept them as they are, being able to compromise, being accepting, tolerant. The more I write this, the more I wonder why you are with this woman or any woman. You sound like a very intelligent man. You already know everything I am writing here is correct. So, you gotta be having all these expectations of your lady because you are terrified of a real relationship. Yes, subconsciously, you are absolutely frightened of being in a relationship with a real human being.

 

Your lady does have some issues that need working on and you could find a lady who perhaps doesn't have some of the issues she has. But you will ALWAYS find relationships difficult and boring because, well...maybe...just look in the mirror. Exciting people who are happy with themselves never, ever get bored...even just sitting down and thinking. Boredom, like everything else, is something we create for ourselves...in our mind...other people don't make us so.

 

I don't mean to be insulting here...just laying it right on the line. You have many more personal issues to work on than your lady ever will have. And yours may be more difficult to overcome, although they can be. If this lady loves you unconditionally, you should grab her with all your might because most ladies would run away quickly. No human being wants to be the subject of such rigidity and of such demands that you have that will ALWAYS and SURELY spell the end of any relationship once the chemically induced infatuation stage is over.

 

Call the Institute of Rational Living in New York City and ask them for the name of a rational therapist in your area. See one. Also, by all the books you can by Albert Ellis, who devloped Rational Emotive Therapy (RET). Get one particular book by him for sure, "How to Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything." The therapy and books will hopefully get you out of this fatal syndrome of demanding and expecting the world to be exactly as you desire.

 

The objective in love should be to find someone with whom you are compatible. That doesn't mean finding someone who thinks like you and is willing to be your slave. Once you have changed your tightly rigid thought pattern, you will certainly find someone (maybe in this lady you're with now) that you can love, accept, be human with, and be happy with in the absense of getting single one of your demands met when you want them.

 

You will be the happiest man in the universe once you learn to be more accepting and to overlook and be OK with the human frailties of other people.

 

You will NEVER find the right person until you become the right person. I pray you will work on yourself, let go of the crazy and insane expectations you have, let yourself be human and look for a human being, and not a robot, to be your lifetime partner.

[fantasy]

Tony,

 

Geez. Just lay it on me hard won't you.

 

You sound passionate about this subject, and I really appreciate your feedback (accept the jerk part). I'm trying to learn here, that is my real intent.

 

I knew I was looking for a reality check when I posted my...fantasy comments, but please haev some compassion for my struggles at 32, where I have someone standing in front of me, trying to make herself available, and I am either TOTALLY scared this could be real, and real means giving up some of the ideas I have about a relationship.

 

I don't know if she is "the one," but I'm sick of living my romantic lifebeing driven by this obsession with "the one." Why can she be A ONE, and why can't I let go of my "needs." Yes, some of what I wrote is adolescent and partially from a disowned self that is built on ego, but true,,,,in my true heart...how do I know how much of my dissapointments in this or that are mine, and mine to own, or hers, and things she is incompatible with me?

 

All this talk of love her for who and how she is, is really hard because she's got issues too, and her issues totally trigger my issues, which, some wise people have told us could be the blessing of this relationship because it is an opportunity to grow and break through our wounds and patterns. Maybe.

 

Maybe I havd a ton of work to do with myself, with my own therapy, on healing inner wounds that I can't expect HER ot our relationship to heal for me. but that is my idea of a good relationship. Mututal healing.

 

But commiting to this more....means giving up some dreams I have about "a one." Maybe that is a neccesary loss I must walk through..

 

what do you all think?

 

I'm savable, really, my intent is to do this right, so send your friends after me wtih responses.

 

thanks

 

Stefan

[Tony T]

Sorry about the Jerk part, I really don't think you are a jerk...just used that for emphasis.

 

I admire your desire for improvement but you just seem hell bent on perfection...in everything. No woman, not anywhere in the world, is either capable of living up to all your expections...or is obligated to.

 

Keep up the work...at least you are on a path and actively seeking to help yourself...and that's a very important step.

 

I hope others will have important input in your dilemma.

[Crazygirl]

Chances are since you haven't had many relationships, you simply haven't had a certain ugly fact smack you in the face yet--that, as Tony said, no one is perfect!

 

I disagree that you are the wrong man for her though... I mean, you were upset and frustrated when you posted your message right? You must see something in her and she must see something in you or you would NOT have been together for nine months! But what you need to do is evaluate the realtionship--are your problems really IMPORTANT problems? Differences in lifestyle, religion, even sex, need to be addressed and resolved in order for a relationhip to proceed normally. HOWEVER--liking different music is most definitely not!

 

If this is simply a matter of difference of opinions, hobbies, etc, what you need to do is compromise! Agree to do things that she likes on half of your dates if she does what you want to do on the other half--BOTH of you will probably discover new things, make your own common points of interest! Even in sex, agree to fulfill her fantasy one night if she will fulfill yours the next (not going against your own morals of course, if THAT is an issue it is one that needds to be discussed seriously) You are both mature people and compromise and sharing should be no problem!

 

Through previous boyfriends, I have discovered a lot of great things that I never would have known about otherwise--in terms of dating, physical pleasure, hobbies, etc. And many of the things they introduced me to I still consider important. You are NEVER going to find someone who shares all of your interests. Never. But you can SHARE your differences and learn from one another! None of my boyfriends has ever shared very much of my taste... I mean, I love Meat Loaf (the singer not the food LOL) and ever since I was 16 I have wanted to make love to Bat Out of Hell... now I'm sure you are saying WHAT THE HELL???? Well that's what the guys I dated said too... BUT that's fine... I know that that is an obscure and odd fantasy and that 20-year-old power ballads don't necessarily inspire many people to sexual highs... That's just an example, I'm sure you know what I mean--no one is going to share all of your fantasies, no one is going to EXACTLY match you "ideal" image, but you have to learn to give up unimportant parts of that image because your LOVE for the other person overrides your fantasies!

 

Now, on the other hand, if I was dating a guy who didn't fill one of my VERY BASIC NEEDS, wasn't faithful, wasn't romantic, etc, I would have to break it off because that is a CORE quality that I need in order to be happy. Making love to Bat Out of Hell is just a side note. You need to figure out if your problems withy our girlfriend are threatening your basic needs i na relationship or if they are just side notes that would be NICE but not NECESSARY. It sounds like they're all pretty small gripes. I hope you can get past your "ideal" image and appreciate the wonderful woman in front of you!

[Nic]

you really need to work on your expectations of the "perfect person". mainly because there is no such thing as perfect. ideal is one thing, but perfect just doesn't exist and we all have to accept that.

 

real love is about accepting a person for everything they are, warts and all. you will never find real love if you expect someone to live up to your unrealistic expectations or your fantasy of what a relationship "should" be about.

 

NO ONE will ever like exactly the same music as you, be in exactly the same mood as you, have exactly the same personality traits as you etc etc. that would just be dead-set boring and predictable. and if you were to find someone like that, you'd find yourself in exactly the same position as you are now - BORED.

 

it's not just this woman who's imperfect. EVERYONE IS. and that's what's so great about us as humans. these little imperfections can be endearing, challenging and rewarding, and sometimes annoying, but like i said, to expect anything less would be downright boring.

 

this woman may not talk about her feelings much because you may be making her feel imperfect. old wounds may be hard to heal if she feels like she also has to spend time trying to live up to someones ridiculous fantasy.

 

don't criticise her for being herself. enjoy her as she is and just be bloody thankful that you've found a woman who loves you - AS IMPERFECT AS YOU ARE - unconditionally. unconditional love is something to revel in, not pick at, and is also something very rare.

 

you'll never find what you fantasise about, because it does not exist. IT DOES NOT EXIST BECAUSE IT IS A FANTASY!!!!

I've been daing a woman for 9 months. My 2nd major Rel. and I'm 32. We have been in couples counseling for a couple months, Working on all typws of good stuff. but....I still have all the ecpectatons of what my "perfect" relationship will feel like, look like, but my real relationship, which started out feeling "perfect" and I was all "she could be the one," is now dissapointing and boring. I know for fact that she is able to love me unconditionally, and does, but I have all the conditions: If she could only talk about her feelings more, get over her old wounds, like the same music I like, have sex when I want it, do things to me that I want, be in the same moods I'm in, and finally, just be "the one." so I can sleep at night know I found her. Am I crazy? How do I know if I'm seaching for real love or a real dream? How do I know if this attractive, loving, inperfect women who offers me her love, in her way, is the one, and I'm gonna pass because I think there is something better, like I fantasize about.

[Deejette]

What puts you in the position to demand perfection? Are you so perfect? It is arrogant to place demands on others that you yourself cannot fulfill. This constant quest for The One is a childish fairytale that will always end in failure, because you yourself do not have the internal wherewithal to be part of a truly loving bond.

 

I don't think you love this woman you are with. If you did, you would have no doubts about it. You would not be in couples therapy at the early stage of only 9 months.

 

It doesn't sound like a delightful relationship at all and you would do well to free this woman so she can find someone who has the capacity to love wholeheartedly instead of with the reservations you are expressing.

you really need to work on your expectations of the "perfect person". mainly because there is no such thing as perfect. ideal is one thing, but perfect just doesn't exist and we all have to accept that. real love is about accepting a person for everything they are, warts and all. you will never find real love if you expect someone to live up to your unrealistic expectations or your fantasy of what a relationship "should" be about.

 

NO ONE will ever like exactly the same music as you, be in exactly the same mood as you, have exactly the same personality traits as you etc etc. that would just be dead-set boring and predictable. and if you were to find someone like that, you'd find yourself in exactly the same position as you are now - BORED. it's not just this woman who's imperfect. EVERYONE IS. and that's what's so great about us as humans. these little imperfections can be endearing, challenging and rewarding, and sometimes annoying, but like i said, to expect anything less would be downright boring. this woman may not talk about her feelings much because you may be making her feel imperfect. old wounds may be hard to heal if she feels like she also has to spend time trying to live up to someones ridiculous fantasy. don't criticise her for being herself. enjoy her as she is and just be bloody thankful that you've found a woman who loves you - AS IMPERFECT AS YOU ARE - unconditionally. unconditional love is something to revel in, not pick at, and is also something very rare. you'll never find what you fantasise about, because it does not exist. IT DOES NOT EXIST BECAUSE IT IS A FANTASY!!!!