Is this really and truly the end?

[emmalynro]

I am looking forward to the end this Saturday. If he refuses to meet me then it's going to be an even bigger wound, but I'll make the most of it. My only fear is that he no longer gives a tinker's dam and is fine on his own. But if he doesn't care then he should be more inclined to meet me, right? Ugh. The less I think about it the better.

[Amelie1980]

I don't agree. Rebounding can be a great idea, if only to get back in the game and get your mind off of things. Nobody says a rebound has to last the rest of your life, but you can go on a couple dates with someone and remind yourself of all the possibilities out there. While I prefer to heal by taking time for myself, there are others who find healing in new people, and that's their prerogative. How healthy it is depends on how they handle it.

 

I also think it's problematic to imply that you're the only person in her circle who knows the "right" course of actions. True, she's young and is probably going to make bad decisions now and again, but if I were in her shoes I would resent somebody thinking he knows what's best for me better than I do. I would also be very insulted to hear that you think my family is "supporting me in the wrong manner". That's a tad paternalistic.

 

The bottom line is you can't save anyone, especially someone who's told you in no uncertain terms she doesn't want to be saved. You've said your piece and she's responded in turn. Be glad that you've gotten closure out of it (more than I can say...).

 

This stood out at me about a rebound not lasting forever.

 

I saw a thread on here not long ago titled 'just found out I'm the rebound' the person was devastated.

 

Think of the person you 'use' as a rebound...what of their feelings while you find healing in them.

[singme2sleep]

Lovnlost-

 

Then I have like another 10 days to go.

 

Emma-

 

Maybe if he doesn't want to meet with you, it's because he does still care?!

[emmalynro]

My. Head. Is. Spinning.

 

So his last day is tomorrow. We had a group meeting today and our director talked about his last day and how great he'd been. I know I should be professional, but it was like getting knifed in the gut. Immediately afterward I ran to the bathroom and dabbed at my eyes, took a few deep breaths and went back to my seat...only to hear my coworkers discussing him. After ten seconds I ran back to the bathroom and bawled.

 

Okay. Okay. I'm okay. Whatever.

 

I was chatting with a girlfriend about it at lunchtime and she casually said "So...I've been talking to him for the last few hours." (We have a work IM system. I almost always use it for work topics, I swear!) "What?!" I said. And then she told me...

 

Apparently he reached out to her this morning and asked if I was OK. He'd been worried about my health since before he was supposed to take me to the hospital. My friend asked how he was doing and he said "I haven't slept in a month and I've lost 10 pounds."

 

Here is what she learned over the course of the conversation. Yes, she copied and pasted transcripts, because that's what best friends are for, but to her credit she told him she would tell me everything unless he wanted to keep it private. He said that was fine.

 

- He is more worried about my health than anything else

- He really wants to see me but is terrified of hurting me more

- He loves me

- He knows I love him

- He is miserable

- He thought *I* wanted to break up because of some desperate **** I said about taking a break

- He thought *I* wanted to see other people because of said desperate **** above

- He's really upset that I haven't been to the doctor

- He's not closed off to the idea of trying again (he said "whether or not we work out, I care about her health most")

- He thinks I am "smiling like crazy" and "looking happier than ever". My friend informed him of my midmorning sob break and he was horrified.

 

Sorry, I can't process this right now. My mind is blown. I'm going to the gym.

[singme2sleep]

Emma-

 

That is a good friend. But he should be telling YOU he wants to try again, no one else.

[emmalynro]

Emma-

 

That is a good friend. But he should be telling YOU he wants to try again, no one else.

 

No kidding. My friend even pointed this out to him, and he said that he really wanted to see me but he was torn up over how much pain he'd caused me and couldn't bear the idea of hurting me again! What a wuss.

 

I just called and left a really awkward message on his voicemail. Hopefully he'll call back...if not, maybe I'll try again in a few days.

[singme2sleep]

He's already hurt you, can the knife go any deeper??!

 

Life is short, if he wants you back he needs to man-up and take a chance.

[emmalynro]

I'm sorry, I'm just sitting here with my mind blown. He thought I was hurt but immediately bounced back and moved on. He's been sleepless and miserable. He thought he'd wounded me irreparably. And I've...been the same way. We have both massively, massively misunderstood the other person and what they wanted.

 

We have both been idiots. We've been the same kind of idiots. I just can't believe it. This is ****ing romantic comedy territory here.

 

To be honest, I don't think getting back together is the way to go. We need to talk, figure out what we both want, and go from there. If we do want to be together we should probably start over. No more than one or two dates a week. Lots of communication. Plenty of time alone.

 

I just can't get over some of the things they said. "She loves you and you love her." "Of course!" Ugh.

[singme2sleep]

Anytime there is reconciliation, I think it's important to start fresh instead of picking up where you left off. In fact my therapist agreed with me on that. I think you do need to sit down and both figure out what you want. Good luck Emma

[lovnlost]

This stood out at me about a rebound not lasting forever.

 

I saw a thread on here not long ago titled 'just found out I'm the rebound' the person was devastated.

 

Think of the person you 'use' as a rebound...what of their feelings while you find healing in them.

 

 

Thats assuming the person the rebounder is with actually cares! I do not think my ex who is rebounding with someone has chosen someone who actually cares that he is a rebound or not. He gets to sleep with a very attractive girl who allows him to get back at his brother, her previous bf, and she gets to make me suffer for it. I think you are referring to the reboundee actually caring or having a big enough heart too. Some people are not wired that way. I think I am feeling rather cold about this, or perhaps I do not know all the dynamics, but...honestly...I think I know what I am talking about with regards to my ex. I almost wish it was more of a mystery.

[lovnlost]

Anytime there is reconciliation, I think it's important to start fresh instead of picking up where you left off. In fact my therapist agreed with me on that. I think you do need to sit down and both figure out what you want. Good luck Emma

 

 

YUP! Been saying this for years. Most do not get it. You cant go back to where you left off, thats where the issue was. I think that is why we need space and time to heal again. So we can remember who were without them and what originally attracted them to us. And, what changes or how have we matured since the BU. That can have major new attractions, or not. What if we realize we dont want them anymore. Sometimes, this is my worry.

 

This morning I found myself actually praying for a second chance. In precisely that way. That I want to start over with the trust issues she had, and problems I had with her, and we had with each other and see where it can lead too. This could take a significant amount of time. Its anybody's guess as to how long.

 

I have read the rebound posts on all kinds of forums and whys. And sometimes, I just dont know. I do not know how deep her wounds are. I think a lot if she has lashed out at me the way she has. But will she find it in her heart to forgive me and realize how I tried to fight for her at the end? Will she come to terms with how ruthless or foolish she has been? No clue...simply no clue. Im tired of wasting my thought processes and time on it actually. Although, I find myself going here everyday. sigh.....

[lovnlost]

Emma.....stay calm and be at peace about this as best you can. Come at him with this peace as well. It will level your head and make him look and feel a fool if he lashes out at you or gets offensive. Then you will know where he stands....

 

Pay attention, and this is important....to his BODY LANGUAGE. What are his reactions, or more importantly his actions while talking? He is he looking all over the place? Is he fidgeting? Avoiding topics? Does he sound like he is avoiding the big picture or what is really going on? Him talking to your friend is great....for him. He can play the "Of I am so this/ that without you" which can lead you on and make him sound so compassionate to another therefore boosting his own ego.

 

Be careful....I almost think you need to let this immature guy go the same as I need to let my immature ex go in many ways. But please do not take this comment personal. It is clear you have a lot of emotions about all this. This is why I say be at peace. Write your questions down in advance so you have a clear objective and what you want to say to him.

 

I wish you the very best!

[misswillow]

emma, I'm really curious to hear how your conversation with your ex goes. A lot you have learned in the last couple of days. If only he would have communicated his feelings directly with you, it all would have been so much easier. Keep us posted.

[misswillow]

Tomorrow is the day I have decided to contact my ex by email. I feel like it is the best way to express my feelings on a couple of things, in a calm manner. It is not going to be super-lengthy or gushy, but rather just tell him what I wish I got the chance to tell him two weeks ago when he ended things. We were good together, and I want the chance to explain that some of the things I said to him in anger were not my true feelings, and I don't want to end on that unhappy note.

 

I am doing my best to convince myself to not expect a response, but I know I still will be devastated when I don't get one, and that will definitely be a setback. But I feel like I have to risk this setback, or else I will be haunted by the thought of the things I wish I had said. This is mostly for my own peace of mind.

 

I know I have a tough few days ahead of me (but it's not like the last several days have not been tough anyway).

[singme2sleep]

Tomorrow is the day I have decided to contact my ex by email. I feel like it is the best way to express my feelings on a couple of things, in a calm manner. It is not going to be super-lengthy or gushy, but rather just tell him what I wish I got the chance to tell him two weeks ago when he ended things. We were good together, and I want the chance to explain that some of the things I said to him in anger were not my true feelings, and I don't want to end on that unhappy note.

 

I am doing my best to convince myself to not expect a response, but I know I still will be devastated when I don't get one, and that will definitely be a setback. But I feel like I have to risk this setback, or else I will be haunted by the thought of the things I wish I had said. This is mostly for my own peace of mind.

 

I know I have a tough few days ahead of me (but it's not like the last several days have not been tough anyway).

 

I agree, I think it's worth the risk because if not, you will always wonder. Good luck!!

[lovnlost]

Tomorrow is the day I have decided to contact my ex by email. I feel like it is the best way to express my feelings on a couple of things, in a calm manner. It is not going to be super-lengthy or gushy, but rather just tell him what I wish I got the chance to tell him two weeks ago when he ended things. We were good together, and I want the chance to explain that some of the things I said to him in anger were not my true feelings, and I don't want to end on that unhappy note.

 

I am doing my best to convince myself to not expect a response, but I know I still will be devastated when I don't get one, and that will definitely be a setback. But I feel like I have to risk this setback, or else I will be haunted by the thought of the things I wish I had said. This is mostly for my own peace of mind.

 

I know I have a tough few days ahead of me (but it's not like the last several days have not been tough anyway).

 

 

MissWillow---

 

How are you doing?

 

I think this is a great idea that you are doing and will provide a piecm way. e of closure to the puzzle that is missing, your input. Even if he does not respond....you will have gotten to speak your peace and make your feelings known to him. This is important. This is what I did to mine in my own way. Time will now tell.

 

After your right this, remember to keep moving forward and to forgive yourself, this is important, for your part in how things may have happened. They dont always give us the forgiveness we are looking for. It stinks, but its true. So we must manage on our own and this will build our character and actually teach us how much stronger or better than the person that left us. You are gift, and capable of great love and relationships. It is on him that he does not see that. Therefore, move forward. Your situation is difficult because of the kids. Like mine. It will be harder and take more time to move forward and change himself because of that. So as a benefit to you, you will have an easier time in many ways to move on in a healthier manner.

 

After you do this treat yourself to something special. Go shopping and but that outfit you always wanted, out with a friend, watch a comedy with a friend and laugh. Remember that life is still worth enjoying even when the chips are down. It is precious and deserve better for having tried so hard. This goes for Emma and Singme2sleep as well. Treat yourself and do something that makes you happy. It will be the start of a positive trend that we all need right now. It will lift your spirits and help you heal. The feelings may still be a rollercoaster, but you will have added a new variable to the puzzle that is good. Keep building on that. I wish you the best of luck!

[lovnlost]

Singme2sleep, Miss Willow, Emma---

 

Based on all you have read about my situation.....if she considered me to be the one. Do you think that she will come back at some point to try again? Not now I know. But someday. Dont know why I am asking, but I need a direct response. Yes or no I dont care....just your honest opinion. Or does hurt and the breaking of her trust hurt and last so long that she cannot forgive. I know your not in her head....but you have read all her actions by me. Let me know what you think. Thank you.

[misswillow]

MissWillow---

 

How are you doing?

 

I think this is a great idea that you are doing and will provide a piecm way. e of closure to the puzzle that is missing, your input. Even if he does not respond....you will have gotten to speak your peace and make your feelings known to him. This is important. This is what I did to mine in my own way. Time will now tell.

 

After your right this, remember to keep moving forward and to forgive yourself, this is important, for your part in how things may have happened. They dont always give us the forgiveness we are looking for. It stinks, but its true. So we must manage on our own and this will build our character and actually teach us how much stronger or better than the person that left us. You are gift, and capable of great love and relationships. It is on him that he does not see that. Therefore, move forward. Your situation is difficult because of the kids. Like mine. It will be harder and take more time to move forward and change himself because of that. So as a benefit to you, you will have an easier time in many ways to move on in a healthier manner.

 

After you do this treat yourself to something special. Go shopping and but that outfit you always wanted, out with a friend, watch a comedy with a friend and laugh. Remember that life is still worth enjoying even when the chips are down. It is precious and deserve better for having tried so hard. This goes for Emma and Singme2sleep as well. Treat yourself and do something that makes you happy. It will be the start of a positive trend that we all need right now. It will lift your spirits and help you heal. The feelings may still be a rollercoaster, but you will have added a new variable to the puzzle that is good. Keep building on that. I wish you the best of luck!

 

Thanks for your kind words. I'm just ready to get this over with. I've thought a lot this week about what I want to say, without going overboard, and I'm ready to do it. I've also wondered about how to do it, but I think I can be the most calm and rationale in an email, and ensure that I say what I want. I'm also going to make it clear that I feel that we both made mistakes in this, I don't want to give the impression that I am taking all the blame for things going wrong. And I truly hope that after this, I can really begin to move on.

[misswillow]

Singme2sleep, Miss Willow, Emma---

 

Based on all you have read about my situation.....if she considered me to be the one. Do you think that she will come back at some point to try again? Not now I know. But someday. Dont know why I am asking, but I need a direct response. Yes or no I dont care....just your honest opinion. Or does hurt and the breaking of her trust hurt and last so long that she cannot forgive. I know your not in her head....but you have read all her actions by me. Let me know what you think. Thank you.

 

I don't know if she still thinks you are The One (has she told you that before?), but if she still believes that, I would think she would come back. You see stories here of people that sometimes get back together after many months, or even years. I personally cannot relate to not being able to forgive you for letting her go...you know I have been in that situation and I have always been open to reconciliation. But everyone is different and everyone reacts to situations in different ways.

 

I think that you should move forward with the mindset, though, that she is not coming back. So then you can be open to another woman if the opportunity presents itself. And just not stay stuck in this sad place that we all know too well. However, if after a while you haven't met anyone, and still have feelings for her, it doesn't seem crazy to reach out in a friendly, casual way. Not a "I still love you, can we get back together now?" More of just a "I've been thinking of you, how are you?" type message or call. And just see what happens from there. I think you've done all the pouring of your heart out you can do at this point, and now you just have to step back. And do all the good things for yourself that you suggest for us (although buying a new outfit may not make you as happy )

[lovnlost]

She has told me many times before that I am the one. But as say, everyone is different. Thank you.

[misswillow]

She has told me many times before that I am the one. But as say, everyone is different. Thank you.

 

Well, in my opinion, if you feel you've met the one, it is not easy to get over that so quickly. It's just a matter of whether she get over her anger and her hurt. Lots of people advise to never get back together with someone who has broken up with you once, and she may have people telling her that. It's just really hard to know why she won't reconsider -- if only she would just tell you what the reason is. But you can't force an answer, unfortunately. And you don't even know if she'd tell you the truth at this point, if she even quite knows herself. That's why all you can do is try to get on with things, although I'm sure you'll still have that hope. It seems like you live in a small community, so you will probably know when/if she is single again, and may be more receptive to slowly getting back in contact.

 

It seems like a lot of people on these forums suggest LC, instead of NC, for getting back together, especially if the dumper has changed his mind. So for you, you have to decide if you want to have occasional LC to try to keep the door open, or do you want to try and get over her, which would probably work best with NC.

[singme2sleep]

Singme2sleep, Miss Willow, Emma---

 

Based on all you have read about my situation.....if she considered me to be the one. Do you think that she will come back at some point to try again? Not now I know. But someday. Dont know why I am asking, but I need a direct response. Yes or no I dont care....just your honest opinion. Or does hurt and the breaking of her trust hurt and last so long that she cannot forgive. I know your not in her head....but you have read all her actions by me. Let me know what you think. Thank you.

 

Lovnlost-

 

If she truly thought you were The One, that's not a feeling you just forget about. I guess it's why I find it so hard to let my ex go, because he said I was the one for him. But in regards to your situation, since she knows you want her back, I would say yes. I don't think you hurt her to the extreme that she is done with you forever. I know its so confusing for you because she is with someone new right now, but my honest opinion is that his presence will only reaffirm for her that she should be with you. As to how long that will take...I don't know. I also agree with Misswillow that you have poured out your heart so now the ball is in her court, and she knows it. I don't think this rebound for her is about hurting you because when you love someone and feel they are the one for you, you can't bare to intentionally hurt them. I believe you are still there in her heart. It's easier said than done (believe me I know) but keep trying to heal yourself and your heart. If she's the one, she'll be back.

[singme2sleep]

This morning I found myself actually praying for a second chance. In precisely that way. That I want to start over with the trust issues she had, and problems I had with her, and we had with each other and see where it can lead too. This could take a significant amount of time. Its anybody's guess as to how long.

 

Most of the time when I read your posts about how you want your ex back, I can't help but wish my ex felt this way! If only you could meet up with him, explain your story and get him to "see the light" about what an idiot he is! Lol (I know it's not possible, but would be cool)

[singme2sleep]

Hi all,

Just wanted to share my break up on this thread. Nearly 3 weeks ago my gf ended things between us after 3 1/2 years! It wasnt an easy decision for her and one that took many months for her to do! I instantly understood her reasons in a rational way, accepted what she was saying and left. She has been needing me to pull my socks up for much of the relationship and become less selfish, coupled with this she is at a crossroad in her life and has decided that I am perhaps not the man for her! I respect her decision but I am finally ready to open up and be the person she has always wanted to be, I have finally had my eyes opened to how I feel about her because the last 3 weeks I have been a completely broken version of myself. I spent the first 12 days contacting and pleading with her that I am ready to step up, she doesn't want me to do that anymore, she doesn't love me and wants to move on! The last 10 days I have not spoken to her and have gone away skiing but I am still in pieces. How can I lose the person that is right for me, who was in total love with me and right at the moment I just want to make her happy. I know she thinks she has done the right thing and has a sense of relief but I was never able to completely give myself up to her...I need her to feel me because I'm not in control of my emotions and this feels so real.

She has been honest with me, talked to me when I needed to talk, not given me false hope and been true to herself. She is an amazing person that I just pushed to far and she is moving on.

I am trying to move on but it feels like I needed this to happen if our relationship was ever going to work, it has enabled me to get over my ego. I have cried everyday and have never cried in my life before. I'm so frustrated that it has taken this much for me to realise. From what I have said does it seem my ex really wants to move on or is she just tired of me hurting her??

 

What can I do??

 

Well when you say she doesn't love you anymore, were those her words or are you assuming? If she flat out told you she doesn't love you anymore, then I'm sorry to say that there isn't much you can do...but I need more details first.

[lovnlost]

Thanks for your kind words. I'm just ready to get this over with. I've thought a lot this week about what I want to say, without going overboard, and I'm ready to do it. I've also wondered about how to do it, but I think I can be the most calm and rationale in an email, and ensure that I say what I want. I'm also going to make it clear that I feel that we both made mistakes in this, I don't want to give the impression that I am taking all the blame for things going wrong. And I truly hope that after this, I can really begin to move on.

 

 

Ya sometime bold moves like this are just what we need. Best of luck to you. You'll do fine. You have a logical approach which is more than I can say for many here. Remember that and draw strength from it. And you will feel better for having done so.