Is this really and truly the end?

[misswillow]

Got no bday text from her. Was kinda hoping for it even though I was originally dreading it. Guess I feel more now that she isnt really thinking of me in a manner i hoped for. Thats a bit discouraging. But there isnt anything I can do about it. Perhaps she still resents me or thingds are going really well with her newbie. Dont know and am trying not to care. Moving forward......

 

Sorry to hear that. I also think she is still probably thinking of you, but in my opinion any kind of contact, other than "I want you back" ends up being more harmful to our healing in the end. This is what I'm going through right now, I'm still reeling from my emotional conversation from my ex last week. And I think I can honestly say that I just hope I never hear from him again, at least for a long, long time. So, while a text or some acknowledgement of your birthday may have made you feel good temporarily, it really may have ended up being a setback. Because there is really only one thing we want to hear and anything else just makes us feel worse.

Edited March 25, 2013 by misswillow

[Addison312]

Is it possible that things are getting better for him but he'd still rather just be alone

 

Yes, it's very possible and probable. He is undoubtedly feeling like a failure in the relationship department right now and I believe your card is going to make him feel guilty. He will probably just text you, "thanks, sing, for the nice card." That will be it. I feel your pain, trust me.

When he gets it, he will think of you and miss you, but won't reconcile because he knows he may hurt you again. That is what is keeping him away. He wants you to accept the breakup.

[misswillow]

So I'm still planning on sending the card, towards the end of the week. And I was thinking about what misswillow said about having expectations. Actually the only expectation I have is a negative one. He could get the card but then contact me to say he appreciates it but is content being alone blah blah blah. Which would def crush me, though I guess then I'd be forced to really accept its over and move on. Do you guys think I should expect that kind of response or just keep my thinking neutral? Is it possible that things are getting better for him but he'd still rather just be alone (knowing that I love him) ??

 

I wrote you a reply earlier today, but it seems not to be here. I must have posted it wrong, so I will try again later tonight...

[misswillow]

So I'm still planning on sending the card, towards the end of the week. And I was thinking about what misswillow said about having expectations. Actually the only expectation I have is a negative one. He could get the card but then contact me to say he appreciates it but is content being alone blah blah blah. Which would def crush me, though I guess then I'd be forced to really accept its over and move on. Do you guys think I should expect that kind of response or just keep my thinking neutral? Is it possible that things are getting better for him but he'd still rather just be alone (knowing that I love him) ??

 

OK, so what I tried to post earlier was that I don't think you can really control what your expectations are, no matter how hard you try. If you're anything like me, you may try to prepare yourself for the worst, but still hold out a glimmer of hope that things will turn out well. Just know that you will probably feel a lot of anxiety the moment after you drop that card in the mailbox, but even if you end up getting an answer that he really has moved on (or no answer at all), maybe it is what you need to fully accept this. As much as I believe in NC, I also knew there were certain things I wanted to tell my ex, which would haunt me if I did not.

 

Are you going to write a personal message in the card?

[singme2sleep]

OK, so what I tried to post earlier was that I don't think you can really control what your expectations are, no matter how hard you try. If you're anything like me, you may try to prepare yourself for the worst, but still hold out a glimmer of hope that things will turn out well. Just know that you will probably feel a lot of anxiety the moment after you drop that card in the mailbox, but even if you end up getting an answer that he really has moved on (or no answer at all), maybe it is what you need to fully accept this. As much as I believe in NC, I also knew there were certain things I wanted to tell my ex, which would haunt me if I did not.

 

Are you going to write a personal message in the card?

 

misswillow-

 

Yeah I think you're right. If he's harsh or just says something like "thanks for the card but I'm happy being alone now", then I will have to accept the facts and move on once and for all. Not getting any kind if response back wouldn't really hurt me. I only want to send it to acknowledge his bday and let him no I have no bad feelings towards him.

 

But the thing is, in the back of my mind I feel insulted that after all we meant to each other, he broke up with the intention of being alone. Perhaps I wasn't good enough in some way because if he truly felt I was The One then wouldn't he want to be with me instead of on his own?! I also can't help but wonder if I had been different, would he not have left. Maybe I just wasn't enough...Sigh

 

To answer your question, I was going to keep emotions out of the card and plainly say "happy birthday" and possibly something short and funny about aging. Idk for sure yet.

 

How are you holding up?

[lovnlost]

So I'm still planning on sending the card, towards the end of the week. And I was thinking about what misswillow said about having expectations. Actually the only expectation I have is a negative one. He could get the card but then contact me to say he appreciates it but is content being alone blah blah blah. Which would def crush me, though I guess then I'd be forced to really accept its over and move on. Do you guys think I should expect that kind of response or just keep my thinking neutral? Is it possible that things are getting better for him but he'd still rather just be alone (knowing that I love him) ??

 

 

Lovnlost- I'm sorry that you did not hear from her on your bday. But I'm sure she was still thinking of you, even though she didn't reach out. Hang in there!

 

 

I think you are going to subconsiously have expectations that he will respond whether your really thinking of it or not. Your questions here lend hope to this I think. So, be careful what you choose. The way I see it, do what it is true to your nature. I dont think you can go wrong here. However, like my situation, do not expect a return and be prepared if you dont get it. Id he still cares what you think about him, and is sincere, he will respond in kind. Think neutral....and dont say anymore than happy bday.

[singme2sleep]

I think you are going to subconsiously have expectations that he will respond whether your really thinking of it or not. Your questions here lend hope to this I think. So, be careful what you choose. The way I see it, do what it is true to your nature. I dont think you can go wrong here. However, like my situation, do not expect a return and be prepared if you dont get it. Id he still cares what you think about him, and is sincere, he will respond in kind. Think neutral....and dont say anymore than happy bday.

 

I know he is the only one who can really answer my questions, but since that's not an option...

 

When you broke up with your say, did you say you wanted to be alone?

 

Guess I just don't understand how he could love me but choose solitude. It hurts to know that my love wasn't enough to hold him, but that's life I suppose!

[Am4Real]

Sing,

 

Are you sure you want to send it on his Birthday?

 

If your mind is absolutely set on sending it, perhaps wait until it is a week overdue and have your message say:

 

Happy Birthday XXXXXXX

 

So sorry for the belated wishes, the world has been keeping me so busy these days. Much to see and do!

 

Hope the celebrations was wonderful.

 

[or something to that effect]

 

This type of messaging could have you look less interested and more content with all the goings on in your life and by the card (that he is likely expecting) not showing up on his Birthday you will raise his interest level.

 

Just a thought.

 

I know he is the only one who can really answer my questions, but since that's not an option...

 

When you broke up with your say, did you say you wanted to be alone?

 

Guess I just don't understand how he could love me but choose solitude. It hurts to know that my love wasn't enough to hold him, but that's life I suppose!

[singme2sleep]

Sing,

 

Are you sure you want to send it on his Birthday?

 

If your mind is absolutely set on sending it, perhaps wait until it is a week overdue and have your message say:

 

Happy Birthday XXXXXXX

 

So sorry for the belated wishes, the world has been keeping me so busy these days. Much to see and do!

 

Hope the celebrations was wonderful.

 

[or something to that effect]

 

This type of messaging could have you look less interested and more content with all the goings on in your life and by the card (that he is likely expecting) not showing up on his Birthday you will raise his interest level.

 

Just a thought.

 

Hmm that's actually a good idea. Thank you!

[singme2sleep]

When he gets it, he will think of you and miss you, but won't reconcile because he knows he may hurt you again. That is what is keeping him away. He wants you to accept the breakup.

 

Addison-

 

So you're saying that even IF he wanted to reconcile he wouldn't because he's afraid of hurting me again?! I'm sorry but that's crazy. Yes he hurt me by walking away, it's not as if he did anything that's so unforgivable. The reason I want to send the card is to let him know I have no bad feelings towards him. I can move on with my life but the door is cracked open should he ever want to try again. And I feel good about that.

[Am4Real]

Hey Sing,

 

What you're saying is fair and you seem to know your boundaries and the premise of NC. By the rules, though, sending the card is breaking NC at this stage of your BU. I'm not saying I disagree with your decision and I'm certainly offering you the emotional support and compassion you may need or want.

 

However, I am more or less letting you know that once you send it and officially engage in limited contact, it can easily make you vulnerable to expecting a reply.

 

We all go thru this so no worries; your feelings and thoughts are not out of the ordinary at all when it comes to acknowledging special occasions of our SO.

 

I only caution you in the same way I would caution myself. If there is even a hint you might be let down when no reply comes, even a touch of disappointment, think it through one more time.

 

Hey you can always send the card to me or someone else on here...

 

 

Addison-

 

So you're saying that even IF he wanted to reconcile he wouldn't because he's afraid of hurting me again?! I'm sorry but that's crazy. Yes he hurt me by walking away, it's not as if he did anything that's so unforgivable. The reason I want to send the card is to let him know I have no bad feelings towards him. I can move on with my life but the door is cracked open should he ever want to try again. And I feel good about that.

[singme2sleep]

Hey Sing,

 

What you're saying is fair and you seem to know your boundaries and the premise of NC. By the rules, though, sending the card is breaking NC at this stage of your BU. I'm not saying I disagree with your decision and I'm certainly offering you the emotional support and compassion you may need or want.

 

However, I am more or less letting you know that once you send it and officially engage in limited contact, it can easily make you vulnerable to expecting a reply.

 

We all go thru this so no worries; your feelings and thoughts are not out of the ordinary at all when it comes to acknowledging special occasions of our SO.

 

I only caution you in the same way I would caution myself. If there is even a hint you might be let down when no reply comes, even a touch of disappointment, think it through one more time.

 

Hey you can always send the card to me or someone else on here...

 

Thank you, I really appreciate your words of wisdom. I think sending it will make me feel better in a weird way. If he replies in no way then I honestly won't be upset, because I know how he is. And if the situation were reversed if want him to do the same for me. I think that I'm over the first of the pain and even if he contacts me only to say he needs to be left alone forever, then I will finally put this relationship behind me and move on.

 

I know it's breaking no contact but my therapist has been telling me that I need to trust myself and stop second guessing what I should/shouldn't do.

 

His birthday is Sunday so I will wait til Monday to drop it in the mail that way I'm acknowledging his bday but he will know it's not the #1 thing on my mind.

 

If I do end up hurting more, at least my heart will be convinced its finally over and I won't look back with any regrets.

 

But thanks again for your advice!

[Addison312]

Addison-

 

So you're saying that even IF he wanted to reconcile he wouldn't because he's afraid of hurting me again?! I'm sorry but that's crazy. Yes he hurt me by walking away, it's not as if he did anything that's so unforgivable. The reason I want to send the card is to let him know I have no bad feelings towards him. I can move on with my life but the door is cracked open should he ever want to try again. And I feel good about that.

 

I'm just saying that it sounds like his life isn't where he wants it to be right now and he has a lot of things to deal with/"fix" before he can worry about a relationship. He can't reconcile prematurely or he will hurt you again. He needs to be in a good place mentally to get back together with you. Truthfully, I think he will come back at some point, but you may be waiting a LONG time.

.

[Addison312]

I'm trying to wrap my head around this type of BU as well, trust me. It's really hard.

You said at the beginning of the thread that he's depressed. Depressed people feel a lot of guilt when it comes to relationships and they push the people closest to them away. That's why I said I think he would feel apprehensive about a second chance too soon. He already feels guilty enough hurting you once. (Assuming he really is depressed)

Edited March 26, 2013 by Addison312

[singme2sleep]

I'm just saying that it sounds like his life isn't where he wants it to be right now and he has a lot of things to deal with/"fix" before he can worry about a relationship. He can't reconcile prematurely or he will hurt you again. He needs to be in a good place mentally to get back together with you. Truthfully, I think he will come back at some point, but you may be waiting a LONG time.

.

 

I'm sorry, I forgot that you're basically going through the same thing. Its just heartwrenching.

 

Do you think that by sending the card it will make him think I'm trying to force him back? Truthfully that isn't my intention...I just want him to know I don't hate him and that I remembered his birthday.

[Addison312]

No, I don't think that at all. In fact, he may feel that someone genuinely cares about him. Send it and keep LS updated.

[singme2sleep]

No, I don't think that at all. In fact, he may feel that someone genuinely cares about him. Send it and keep LS updated.

 

Okay, I will!

[lovnlost]

So in all this time trying to not contact my ex....I pocket dialed her somehow yesterday while hanging out at a friends house and talking about our favorite chinese food resturants. Lol.....I just think this is hilarious. For all the pains I have gone through and this is the contact I give her after about 6 weeks. I didnt say nothing, do nothing. Just pulled out the phone and there it was all dialed in and clock running lol. I wonder whats going through her mind lol. I bet she just ignored it anyway. Anyway....random and amusing. So does this technically break no contact?

[ThatJustHappened]

So in all this time trying to not contact my ex....I pocket dialed her somehow yesterday while hanging out at a friends house and talking about our favorite chinese food resturants. Lol.....I just think this is hilarious. For all the pains I have gone through and this is the contact I give her after about 6 weeks. I didnt say nothing, do nothing. Just pulled out the phone and there it was all dialed in and clock running lol. I wonder whats going through her mind lol. I bet she just ignored it anyway. Anyway....random and amusing. So does this technically break no contact?

 

Hahaha, no, that doesn't count. But you should delete her number from your phone so it doesn't happen again..or if you have a smartphone, download a block app so you can't dial her again.

 

At least you're laughing and not crying!

[lovnlost]

Thats probably a good call. I found how it happened. She was listed as a favorite on one.of the dial up screens. One I literally never use. I dont know why id be crying. My situation is ridiculous the more I think about it sometimes. And this way of breaking NC just had rolling because it was so surprising to me for one but then what the hell am i gonna do about it? Apologize? Lol.....not a chance. I'll let it play out mentally for her, if at all, and just be amused still. Im thinkin this is a good sign that im not freaking out or wondering whats gonna happen now. Wish I was further along even now.

[Alderaan]

I'm in the same boat as some of you here. I'll just copy my post from the LDR section...

 

My long distance boyfriend of one year broke up with me because his life got awfully complicated, combined with a make or break situation at University which he financially cannot afford to fail. In this state, he isn't able to be the devoted boyfriend that he wants to be, and keep our relationship healthy so it's best to break up, in his opinion. His situation is pushing him beyond his limits and demands all of his focus and attention. For weeks before this happened I watched my Loved one getting progressively overworked, stressed, cold, distant and unsatisfied with himself, and I couldn't help him, which made me so sad and worried.

 

We agreed to be friends still and exchange some Hellos to keep in touch, because our feelings for each other did not change. We supported each other through many rough times and I let him know he has my understanding and wished him the best. I keep comforting myself with the thought that staying together would make us both even more stressed and would cause irreversible damage, and even do serious harm to his work which his professional future depends upon. And that by not openly discussing getting back together, he wanted to spare me the stress of waiting for an amount of time he isn't able to define while being so emotionally pressured by life.

 

I will of course not pursue him in any way at this time because it's all so much for him and he's a very ambitious and proud man who needs to sort out his life. I just want him to be happy.

 

I'm finding it difficult to cope and calm down though. any advice? And could there be hope of getting back together some time? I know no-one can know for sure but it gives me hope that the break up wasn't caused by problems between the two of us.

 

We were everything to each other and went confidently through everything as a loving couple, but some recent events left his confidence damaged while he also has to work on a very demanding project, so he broke up to get himself together.

 

Best of luck to everyone here :')

[SR2]

Emma, I read your original post but not all the subsequent posts and was interested in where you are at now with your relationship? I am in a very similar situation - my boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me as he feels i deserve somebody who can give me the time and support I need, and his feelings for me are clouded by guilt over the hurt he has caused me (he has an insane work schedule, extremely strict parents and family commitments, and lives 200km away for university, therefore very little time for me) .. yet he still states he feelings something for me and always will, and that if we are meant to be together then we will reunite.

 

I too, chased for a while and stated that we could get through this together but i think he feels to guilty about the pain he has caused me. Like you, i have now gone NC but am hoping for reconciliation in the future and was thinking of breaking NC in 3 or so weeks. How did it all go for you?

Edited April 29, 2013 by SR2

[emmalynro]

Emma, I read your original post but not all the subsequent posts and was interested in where you are at now with your relationship? I am in a very similar situation - my boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me as he feels i deserve somebody who can give me the time and support I need, and his feelings for me are clouded by guilt over the hurt he has caused me (he has an insane work schedule, extremely strict parents and family commitments, and lives 200km away for university, therefore very little time for me) .. yet he still states he feelings something for me and always will, and that if we are meant to be together then we will reunite.

 

I too, chased for a while and stated that we could get through this together but i think he feels to guilty about the pain he has caused me. Like you, i have now gone NC but am hoping for reconciliation in the future and was thinking of breaking NC in 3 or so weeks. How did it all go for you?

 

Funny how things work out! I came here today meaning to post an update.

 

So anyway, the last time I posted, he had badgered my best friend about how I was doing etc. I called him and asked if we could talk. He refused to pick up the phone and the next day gave my friend a bunch of excuses about why he couldn't talk to me. I lashed out at him over our work IM system and really gave him a piece of my mind. And then I left, crying.

 

It was not good for a while. I forced myself to get back out there and began dating again, with spectacularly awful results. I focused more on my favorite activities and really kicked some ass at the gym. Things were going great until a few weeks later I learned he was coming back to the office for a day to finish packing. Great...

 

For a while I wasn't sure what to do. I even considered taking the day off. But then I thought better of it and decided to bury the hatchet. At least one of us needs to be the adult, right? So I went over to his office to talk to him.

 

"Hey, how are you?"

He looked startled and, to be honest, absolutely terrible. He's lost at least fifteen pounds and had enormous bags under his eyes. I almost felt bad about looking totally awesome.

"Hey," he stammered. "Um, I'm fine, I guess."

I smiled and said "Good!", then turned on my heels to leave.

"...uh...how are you?"

 

So we ended up chatting quietly for a few minutes. I complimented him on his new glasses, he joked about his new job, I filled him in on my health issues. When I gasped at how thin he was he said things had been really stressful (no kidding!). The one thing that struck me was the way he smiled like an idiot the entire time! It was just a big, sincere smile, and I realized with a pang how much I missed it.

 

Fast forward a bit---it's been a few weeks with no contact since. My health problems have unfortunately gotten worse. I'm doing my best; thankfully I have some fantastic friends and family to support me. But over the weekend I was suddenly moved to chat with him. I sent a text, and when he didn't respond, I left a rambling voicemail. It was terrible, I said how sorry I was for everything and that I wasn't thinking straight, that I was confused and scared and hoped he was doing OK. Basically it was the most pathetic and horrible thing ever. I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS COURSE OF ACTION. He didn't respond to that either...

 

...until the next day.

 

He called and we talked for a little more than a half-hour. This one was all over the map. Stupid jokes, funny stories, a lot of deep feelings, work gossip, my fears about my health. He said he had wanted to talk to me but was afraid of being in a position where I needed or depended on him, because "I've realized...I'm not a dependable person, not right now". And I said that was fine, because if there's one thing I've learned from this it's that I can take care of myself. I'm tougher than I thought! The one thing I liked was how often he said my name; it just sounds nicer when he says it.

 

He asked me to please keep him updated on how I'm healing. I said I would if he promised to keep me updated on his boat repairs. And that's that. I am not sure if we can ever be friends---the chemistry was so intense and the feelings were so strong---but we'll see what happens. Is there a future for us together? I don't know. Right now we are both focused on taking care of ourselves. At the moment, my physical (and mental) health comes first.

 

I've discovered I can be happy without him. But we're talking again, and we're going to keep talking. So we'll just have to see where this takes us.

Edited April 29, 2013 by emmalynro

[omit]

sounds like you both really cared about each other, the serious work hours sound like they have had a nock on effect. If he truly loves you he will be back, it is hard my situations difficult I made a mistake hurt her feelings... in your case sounds like he thought he was protecting you.

 

I think if two people are to be together they will be, although I think hurt and large amounts of it can reduce that. Try to stay cool

[emmalynro]

We do silly things sometimes in the name of love. He indeed believed that it was somehow better for me if he was gone, that he could do nothing but hurt me and that I'd be so much happier without him. Now what? At the moment his self-esteem is so low that he thinks no one can rely on him. Only he can learn to have faith and confidence in himself again.

 

It is strange that we're back to contacting each other. I don't think the feelings have entirely disappeared. They haven't on my end, and I don't think they fully have on his end either. Moving on is hard when the feelings on both sides are strong. I don't know if we could meet in person without ending up in bed, so we should probably wait a while...but I would like to see him again sometime.

 

If you've hurt your girl, apologize and let her know how sorry you are. That speaks volumes. I was totally wrecked for a while, but it became easier when I realized he was suffering just as much. I want him to heal for his own sake.