Is this really and truly the end?

[singme2sleep]

this is ironic because when i was depressed i wanted my ex to be around, i released how i was pushing her away prior to the break up but once i figured out it was because i was depressed. i wanted her to be around like how i had been there for her. but rather guess what she did, she broke it off and when i tried to win her back and make a mends for things she treated me like crap.

 

catch22

 

well not to make excuses for my ex, but he might have reacted the opposite if not for his son's mother. when she left him he was deeply hurt and took awhile to heal. actually one of the things he said to me during his breakup speech was he has learned that when times get tough "being in a relationship doesn't make everything better" and that comment hurt me...

[singme2sleep]

I've tried to move on but i cant. I only want to be with one person and only want to talk to one person and killing me inside. I try and go NC but doesnt work everything reminds me of her and she is the same.

 

I totally and completely agree! And NC is eating away at me

[lovnlost]

I totally and completely agree! And NC is eating away at me

 

 

 

I know this is hard....be happy your exes arent as emotionally immature as mine! your exes could be seeing someone else like mine in is....and that can make the knife in the heart so much worse....believe me. So there are some things to be thankful for. Keep up the patience and do what makes you as happy as you can. Hang in there.

[lovnlost]

singme2sleep.....were you going to answer any of the questions I asked you? Or is it going to be to hard to dive into?

[singme2sleep]

lovnlost-

 

You are truly a nice guy to take the time to try and give me advice. First of all, thank you for the compliment about me being mature. I have always felt that I think with a responsible head, and people often tell me I'm wise beyond my years lol.

 

I do consider myself to be there for his son, I have continued to be supportive of him and I want to be a role model too. I love kids and we once had a talk about how the woman in his life has to have a good relationship with his child.

 

When it comes to my ex feeling like his problems aren't my responsibility, you're probably right. I used to tell him that his problems were my problems and that I couldn't be happy when he wasn't. We are basically in NC now, and its killing me to not talk to him. One week after the breakup I really wanted to try to talk to him. Not to get him to change his mind about his decision, I know that just pushes the guy away more. But I just felt that I had more to say and I thought we could just talk. I went over what I wanted to say, and nervously made the call. He didn't pick up and a part of me wasn't surprised because he's not much for phone convos, and especially with our circumstances at that time (the breakup). So I left him a voicemail, tried not to sound too emotional or upset, just told him I missed talking to him and that I hoped he was alright. HE NEVER GOT BACK TO ME. My mother told me that I shouldn't take it personal (its hard not to) that he just needs space and prob isn't ready to talk yet. So I let it go and just went on with my life, day by day, for about another week. Then one night I'm on facebook (he didn't delete me and I didn't want to delete him) and I see something of his that I thought was about me, and I instantly got upset and couldn't stop myself from texting him. He answers back that it wasn't and when I say I thought he was ignoring me, he says he wasn't, just been working and sleeping (he had just started his new job) then I messaged him back an "ok" and we basically left it at that. Now I feel a little embarrassed and have decided not to attempt any communication for awhile. It's been 4 weeks of NC now, and I know he has to be the one to break it this time. If he wants to talk, he will...I need to keep some pride!

 

It's interesting that you should bring up the aspect of his father. He really doesn't have the best relationship with him, his dad had some drug problems when my ex was growing up, and as a result they moved around a lot and he didn't have too much stability. He's also an only child so there's no sibling for him to lean on. I never thought about it before, but I guess his father could have a lot to do with the way he is and the way he reacts to things in life.

 

I've been doing a great deal of writing, in fact since our split I have written quite a few poems. And I pray every night. I did what a lot of people advise, write a letter that you don't intend to send, and it is helpful to vent.

 

I don't really remember saying "we hurt each other" though him pushing me away like this has been obviously very painful for me. And I'm not saying I perfect but I was good to him, always there. At the end of the day, I would have done anything for him. When he broke things off I cried, and I kept asking if he was sure. Since then I keep thinking back over everything. Some days I even question his true feelings for me. I believed he loved me while we were together, but I cannot understand how he could leave me if he really loved me. How do you push away the one person who would basically walk through fire for you? I was never demanding, I never expected anything, only love. It didn't bother me that he had no money to take me out, I was content watching a movie in bed. But I know it bothered him that he couldn't take me out, buy me things etc. My father told me that men define themselves by job/career, income, car and such. Not really in a materialistic way, but these things make them feel good he says. And I could tell it was hard for my ex to be in the position he was in.

 

Since the day before Valentines Day, I deactivated my facebook. I don't know what he's upto, but I hope he's starting to feel better about himself. Not because I necessarily think he will come back when he does, I just truly want him to be happy. When you love someone you put their needs in front of your own, and as much as I want to be with him, more so I want what's best for him...even if that doesn't include me. I will find a way to somehow let him go if I have to, as long as I know he will eventually have the life he seeks. It breaks my heart to see him depressed because he has his whole life ahead of him.

 

We are both 25.

 

Ok, now that I've written a short novel (lol) I've got to get to bed. I will log back on in the morning and give you my advice for your situation. Thank you again for being so kind and tonight I will pray for both of us!

[lovnlost]

lovnlost-

 

I will pray for both of us!

 

Im in the middle of a paper due in the AM. But I wanted to tell you....this has been one of the greatest things I have seen anyone write on this forum before. Thank you. I will do the same. I want to be able to help someone with my experiences. I do so with the types of jobs I have....but not on a level like this....when it means so much to people. I will do the best I can.

Edited March 4, 2013 by lovnlost

[emmalynro]

Oh, I thought I was doing well, but when I got home today I just collapsed. I thought of all the nasty things he said and implied (about us never getting back together, how we were already broken up in his mind before I even knew about it) and I couldn't even remember the positive ones (he said he knew he was making a mistake, he was exhausted and confused, he could be with me forever, and so on). I even forgot my therapist's good advice. I came home and just cried my eyes out.

 

Three days down, twenty-seven (or eighteen, haven't decided yet) to go...

[singme2sleep]

emmalynro- The beginning of a breakup is the hardest, I cried for about the first two weeks. For me, one of the hardest things is wanting to tell him when something happens. He is "my person" (you'll know what I mean if you watch Grey's Anatomy) and it breaks my heart when whatever occurs, good or bad, he is the one I want to tell. But then I remember we're not together and it's crushing each time. Just keep trying to hang in there, you never know what might happen.

 

lovnlost- I meant to reply much earlier today, just got so busy and couldn't get on my laptop til now. After reading your posts, I can see that I'm pretty much in the same position as your ex, minus going out with someone new and the fact that you want her back. From where I'm sitting, she is a lucky girl. I'd give anything to have my guy have a change of heart and ask to get back together. While I don't desire to go out with somebody new, in a way I can see why she is doing it. I don't think its to hurt or spite you, she is just in pain about your breakup and she might be thinking that even though you want to reconcile, she has to completely step away and spend time with somebody else. Usually when a person is dating on the rebound, they end up missing their ex more and seeing that their rebound romance doesn't compare to what they had before. And I know its not easy to hear that she's dating, but its will be worth it in the end if the rebound sends her running to you. If the guy is a loser type like you said, she will appreciate and miss you more, a guy who has his life together. As much as I want my ex back, if he called me right now I wouldn't answer and I wouldn't call back right away either. Not because I think I need to play games, but because by walking away and making our relationship the "sacrifice" he really hurt be a lot. And while I do love him, I would want him to prove to me that I can trust him to not leave again if things for him went south once more. You are a mature guy, and I know you made the decision to breakup because you thought that was best but try to look at it from her point of view. If she's feeling anything like I am, she's feeling abandoned. But you have already apologized and poured your heart out and done all the right things to make up for leaving, so I think all you can do now is give her some space and wait to see what she does. It sucks being powerless but we both have to trust that if our SO's love us, they will be back in our lives eventually. Hope I have helped you a little, I can't get inside her head but I know how us women think lol. With that being said, what are your thoughts on my situation?? Tomorrow will be 5 weeks since I talked to him and 7 weeks since the breakup

[emmalynro]

You give good advice! The worst part for me is knowing this isn't final. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has told me I need to contact him when he's back working regular hours and is sleeping and eating regularly. (When we were breaking up he told me he didn't have any food in the house, just peanut butter!) I'm afraid he won't want to talk to me. I don't know.

 

I can't get over his saying he can't even look at me without being distracted for an hour, or the way he cried when we said goodbye. How could we hurt each other so much? How am I supposed to feel, knowing that he cares that much about me?

[Mack05]

To me Emma this is way too much drama. I mean your only what 6 months together? It should be FAR easier then this.

 

Plus any guy that leaves you over 'stress' that is as big a red flag as you can get. What happens if you ever get married and REAL stressful situations (health issues, Mortgage issues etc etc) occur. Does he just up sticks and leave?

 

You are too emotional to see this but he isn't good for you..

[lovnlost]

Oh, I thought I was doing well, but when I got home today I just collapsed. I thought of all the nasty things he said and implied (about us never getting back together, how we were already broken up in his mind before I even knew about it) and I couldn't even remember the positive ones (he said he knew he was making a mistake, he was exhausted and confused, he could be with me forever, and so on). I even forgot my therapist's good advice. I came home and just cried my eyes out.

 

Three days down, twenty-seven (or eighteen, haven't decided yet) to go...

 

 

Emmalynro- Take heart and do not fear....You are a great person. You....yes you! Are a great person. These are his flaws coming out of him. HIS insecurities that are breaking him and you. This is not your fault. I did what you did for the first week of the BU. I was dumped her, then realized what I had done, came back and then she decided to be angry with me and spite me. Turned off her affections for me. So be it. I knew I still loved her when I broke up with her. I did not say the same as this guy did.....but I am sure I felt some of what he was telling you.

 

I have something I need to ask you.... is he a dramatic guy when things get hectic or chaotic? Or maybe a better word is passionate. I am a very passionate guy and sometimes I can have a flair for the dramatic at times. I took our BU on myself but the fact is she did not help with what I had been asking with for a while. Have you and your ex been at odds recently before the BU? Do people in his family have this type of behavior? If so, this could be associated with that. Have you heard the expression "a product of your own environment? " For example, I come from a broken family and had a horrible example of what a good loving relationship is from how my mom and dad reacted with one another. As a result....I have had to literally train myself to know and understand how and what a good loving relationship should be.....this has been incredibly difficult in life. If I was successful I would be married by now lol. My point is, I have a daughter and I want to model my relationship with a wife for my daughter so she sees this language of love that is flirtatious, caring, understanding, has great communications and compromise and how to act towards each other when the chips are down. One thing that may help you is to write a list of events leading up to the BU. This way you can see what his actions were and yours. And you can see or absolve yourself by your own hand what you have not done wrong. This will help when the "what if I had done" question starts to repeat itself in your head time and again and makes you miserable and beating yourself up.

 

Understand that you are beautiful the way you are and that there are things about you that another man will cherish more than he. I know this only now after I made my mistake in leaving my ex.

 

Also if he is acting up this much, I wonder if he isnt over acting to cover something up. I am not trying to put ideas in your head about something sinister, but it is a possibility to consider. Like maybe he isnt as hurt as he is letting on. Just a thought...that will be up for you to decide based your knowledge of him. But be strong....stay no contact. If my ex had no contacted me instead of at me every day after the break up when I needed space, I would have been back to her within a week. Stay strong and hang in there.

Edited March 5, 2013 by lovnlost

[lovnlost]

Singme2sleep----

 

I have been thinking on this situation. I agree with your sentiments about "right person, wrong time." I feel that way about my situation as well. But for him, is this something he said or was it your own idea? I told my ex that I was not giving her 100% of my attention, which was correct. I also said she was not dedicating enough time to my child which was correct. There were a number of other reasons I stupidly let get to me. But, instead of breaking her with all of this I put it all on myself. I saw no reason to harm her more than she was already taking things. How this relates to you? Do you think for any reason he has masked some of his reasons for ending it other than just blaming himself? I know what he told you, but if his actions are not backing up now, what he told you, then I am wondering if it is a farce. However, keep in mind the time frame. Its not been long and sometimes these situations can take months to work out. So in the meantime, you will have to decide if you will wait, or move on. I have understood that my situation, even though she is being a s---, I still have to heal in order for her to come back and have a chance. She needs to see me as the loving, carefree, funny and confident guy she was in love with. NOT the broken down by stress, anxiety school and life that broke up with her guy. And maybe, thats what he is feeling inside as well if he does care and expressed himself as you said. He might feel foolish or embarrassed or even worse.....weak. Thats what I feel I have portrayed to her sometimes in trying to get her back but I really want to think that I offered her the truest notion of love I could in trying to get her back and she could not see past her own emotional immaturity and resentment to understand that. Just a hunch. Her family, who supposedly loved me, are now egging her on to do this as this is the pain and misery they have always understood in their relationships growing up. Its a hard line for her to break and I feel terrible that I helped put her inline to do this...but it was a choice she made. He made a choice, I made a choice, you will have to make a choice and all of us will be blessed in one way or another for having made it, no matter how difficult it is right now. Remember that. Right the consequences and hurt of all these choices is do fresh and painful, and we miss them so much. They leave a whole we feel cannot be filled. But it does and in a better way many times. And I am not going to tell you "you will find someone better either." I to hate that crap lol. We are not ready to be thinking optimistically like that otherwise we wouldnt be here lol.

 

You can only take on his issues so much as you are not married. Because of this, things will always be separate. Has he ever tried to distance himself from you when things were tough in the past? Have you ever smothered him when or if this happened or just in general? You would recognize pulling away signs if so.

 

When you left the phone message, what were you really going to tell him? Because it sounds like you did not get out exactly what you wanted him to know. However, its been long enough now that some sense of closure or statement in such a way may seem out of place. It may be a case of letting NC be that closure especially if he shows no action. Which makes it hard becomes time just drags on and on. Its almost easier to be crushed without wondering ya know. Maybe not....just listing ideas.

 

I am glad you are writing. That is healthy and if you pray, really pray and give it all God, and rely on him and read His word, then you will understand your place and purpose even more soon enough. This is my current journey. I am always curious what other people write when they experience these things. The emotions are so raw, real and rare. Just pure untamed honesty. There is something special about that I think. As I suggested to emmaylou here, maybe make a list of how you believe things ended from his perspective and yours. See how they both compare. Look for similarities and differences. This could help you understand more about where things went wrong....if at all. Especially if you can link that list with signs he has portrayed in his past or your past together.

 

Becareful though....like you, I often over analyze things and let them stew in my head for to long which just makes me sadder. Make sure you are balancing your hurt with trying to do something positive for yourself to make you better in the long run, even if you cant currently get the full enjoyment out of it now. Stay away from relationship help books until you are more over this. I have 5 waiting for me....but if I begin them now, I will just bend my mind to it and never make forward progress. Make this a study further down the road. Again, try not to overthink. Just brings us more misery.

 

99% of the time when things get difficult I dig in and fight! This is one of the first times I gave up. But I was so strong for so long....6 months I developed anxiety for the first time in my life. Multiple jobs, full time school in my senior year and all the work that goes with it for a 3.7 gpa, household, my beautiful daughter who I was failing in giving proper authentic attention at times and knew it, and my relationship. WAY to much on my plate. I snapped after to much time. I couldn't deal. It may be an excuse, but I was so clouded I pushed everyone away and kept everything inside. I didnt go out anymore or talk with friends. Did I fail? I tried to communicate what was happeneing to me but her support was not what I needed....patient understanding and faith that this is just a hard spot for us and was for our future as well. She kept coming at me. Now I feel somewhat weak in that I let my daughter, her and myself down. I make mistakes....I wish she could realize that. Took alot for me to understand that I did and how to fix it. For you and him, how does he do with admitting defeat? If he is an only child this could be a big problem for him. And does defeat embarrass him so much that he cannot face it? To some men it is crippling. Does he usually run when the going gets tough?

 

This is all I have for now until you answer more. I do want to say thank you for your point of view and is one of the most honest opinions I have heard yet. Thank you. If you think of more, let me know. If I did it right in conveying to her how I felt, why did she switch so fast? It was literally days.....4 days from I love you to me saying I miss you and I have a new plan for us. Crazy....

 

A point I read that you made.....You want them to be happy no matter what. I am at this point as well. It is so trusting, loving, and a great leap of faith that I commend you on. I know it doesnt feel like your letting go now...keep trying. Say it out loud if you have to. I have done it crying in my pillow. I am not ashamed to admit it. Holding on to her heart, or his for your part, is selfish and does not conform to love. It is so hard to let go. But God knows if you are real or not. I for one believe you. If you love them set them free right? Or something like that.....You are unique and special for the maturity you have displayed here, and in dealing with your ex. Take pride in that you know how to do it right. Nobody is perfect. But some have a gift.....I think you may have it.

Edited March 5, 2013 by lovnlost

[emmalynro]

Thanks for the advice, all. Yes, it is far too short of a relationship for either of us to be talking the way we were, and I'm not sure why. Things became very serious very quickly. We had already met each other's families---even extended families! He had told his father that he saw himself with me in the long run.

 

Lonvlost: unfortunately I can confirm that everything is exactly as he says. He has done nothing but work. My work accounts (not accessible from home) have messages dated from 2 AM on weekdays. Our mutual coworkers confirm he gets in at around 7-8 AM and works til midnight at least. He worked 50+ hours on that three-day weekend in February. He has not had a day off in over three weeks.

 

No, it's not healthy that he copes this way, and it certainly means he's not ready for a lot of more serious things. He is the only person with the power to change himself. But I know I need to talk with him about this when it's over, and he even agreed that was a completely reasonable request.

[lovnlost]

Thanks for the advice, all. Yes, it is far too short of a relationship for either of us to be talking the way we were, and I'm not sure why. Things became very serious very quickly. We had already met each other's families---even extended families! He had told his father that he saw himself with me in the long run.

 

Lonvlost: unfortunately I can confirm that everything is exactly as he says. He has done nothing but work. My work accounts (not accessible from home) have messages dated from 2 AM on weekdays. Our mutual coworkers confirm he gets in at around 7-8 AM and works til midnight at least. He worked 50+ hours on that three-day weekend in February. He has not had a day off in over three weeks.

 

No, it's not healthy that he copes this way, and it certainly means he's not ready for a lot of more serious things. He is the only person with the power to change himself. But I know I need to talk with him about this when it's over, and he even agreed that was a completely reasonable request.

 

 

Well then you must honor him if you feel for him so and give him space while he works through this. You might suggest changing jobs if its this serious. I have been here before as well. I used to manage a kitchen for a bar and restaurant during the day, run a karaoke stage at times and tend bar at night. Home at 4 am and up at 8 to do it again. Life was.....hard. It can be overwhelming and sometimes we dont know our own limitations. We can try to hard and push others away and internalize our stress. This is what I did in my current situation. In the meantime, what are you going to do for you at the moment to heal or move forward or make yourself better. 6 months isnt long...however, feelings are real and I do not doubt yours. Perhaps read some stress relief material on how to unwind and be able to offer him simple solutions when the time comes to talk. Sometimes we dont know how to seek out help or assistance for our own issues that we are dealing with even when staring us in the face. Stay strong! For you first...and then him.

[emmalynro]

Something happened in me and...I'm feeling good. This is hard. Things are over, maybe for good. I don't know if I'll ever get back with him or not, but even if not I'll be OK.

 

I have been really taking care of myself. My sister encouraged me to spend lots of time on my appearance to remind myself how awesome I can look (and feel!). I've been smiling and happy and feeling better. Sometimes I sag when I think of all the mean things he said, but then I remember the nice ones---and the advice from everyone to ignore all of it. He's not rational.

 

I saw him twice in the halls yesterday. I felt fine! I smiled, even, although I didn't make eye contact. Both times he looked like I had stabbed him in the gut. The second time he even turned his face away when I passed him. Well, not my fault. Enjoy being distracted for an hour, you jerk.

[emmalynro]

By the way, thanks to everyone for posting their perspectives and stories. It has given me a lot to think about, and there's something encouraging in knowing we aren't alone. We'll make it, you guys! It may not come out the way we hope but we'll make it! Let's make the best of our hurt and be thankful for all the other amazing blessings life has in store for us.

Edited March 6, 2013 by emmalynro

[lovnlost]

Emmalynro....I am very happy to hear this good news for you. Way to go.

 

Singme2sleep....I understand what you mean about possibly needing to distance herself from me to avoid the pain, but how does entering a relationship with someone else coincide with loving the one you love? Why would someone turn such a harsh blind eye? It is a concept of rebounding I simply do not understand. To me she downgraded, buried the pain, and IS trying to hurt me with some of the things she said and did. Some of her statements were completely contradictory and she lied to me about seeing someone two weeks before she entered into the relationship. She has never lied to me before. These are just questions I have though I think will never be answered.

 

I am sure you are right about her feeling abandoned....I have done everything I can to show her I fowled up and make amends.....I guess I do not understand how that wasnt good enough. How does one deny such love or such an attempt to reconcile with no response? I still cannot fathom this. I have tried to chalk it up to emotional immaturity and pain....which others have also told me. But she is acting nothing like the girl I knew before. Like she lost all sense of her reasoning about relationship dynamics that we learned together. Its hard to fathom.

 

I agree that she may be feeling abandoned by me and I wish to God I can take that all back. You mentioned this is how you feel. However, how does one make up for that? How could your ex make you feel secure enough for you to take him back if he was pursuing you again? You have mentioned what I did was possibly sufficient. She knows me heart and the ball is in her court. Would you have to continue to spend time and have distance away from him in order to have the hurt of all of this subside before you could accept him back? Truly, what would it take for you? How would he have to prove to you? Is there anything else I could do to prove my love? I dont think I can, especially since she is with someone else. That means I need to respect her decisions and give her time and space I think. I thought I was a lucky guy to have her love...but I am not so sure her actions show I do anymore.....she is a lucky girl? Thanks for the compliment....I wish she would realize this at some point and what we mean to each other.

 

I am trying to understand how this distance with my ex, especially while she is with someone else, will affect things. I do not understand her healing process as I understand my own. It would be so much easier to understand without the rebound. But I suppose your right....we have to trust they love us enough.

[emmalynro]

Lovnlost:

 

There are some things people simply can't (won't?) forgive. Perhaps she felt she was wounded so deeply her only choice was to move on and she resents you for coming back into her life just when she was finally making progress without you? Or perhaps she finds talking to you too painful? It's very hard to know how others feel, especially when they won't let us in.

 

Do you really think she doubts your love? If that's what's stopping her, then you do have to prove it. Gestures are much more meaningful than words. However, I don't care very much for theatrical gestures: saying "I love you, I want to be with you and I want to build a life together" would be quite enough for me.

 

If she's being strange and ambivalent, I would keep pressing my luck, or at least ask her if she wants you to leave her alone. If the answer is yes then you can close that chapter of your life. If not, then there could be a place for you! But it will probably take a lot of time and patience.

 

I'm in the position of being pretty wounded while also apparently having wounded someone else a great deal. He said he's devastated by what he's done, that he feels so many things for me that he couldn't handle it anymore, that he can't even bear to look at me. I had no idea I was causing him that kind of agony just by being in the same room as him at work!

 

Emotions are tricky things. While we should be able to evaluate our emotions according to logic and reason (I'm a philosophy major, so that's my goal, anyway) sometimes they're just too powerful. Hopefully your ex is learning to better evaluate her feelings so she'll be able to talk with you when the time is right.

[singme2sleep]

You give good advice! The worst part for me is knowing this isn't final. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has told me I need to contact him when he's back working regular hours and is sleeping and eating regularly. (When we were breaking up he told me he didn't have any food in the house, just peanut butter!) I'm afraid he won't want to talk to me. I don't know.

 

I can't get over his saying he can't even look at me without being distracted for an hour, or the way he cried when we said goodbye. How could we hurt each other so much? How am I supposed to feel, knowing that he cares that much about me?

 

Thank you emma, I need to start following my own advice! lol

 

But yeah I hear ya, the worst kind of breakup in my opinion, is when you both still love each other. I don't know how we deal with that, maybe there is no solution. Our hearts decide to love and mine is stubborn. All I can tell you is hang in there. Are you religious at all? I have found that praying doesn't hurt...

[singme2sleep]

Singme2sleep----

 

I have been thinking on this situation. I agree with your sentiments about "right person, wrong time." I feel that way about my situation as well. But for him, is this something he said or was it your own idea? I told my ex that I was not giving her 100% of my attention, which was correct. I also said she was not dedicating enough time to my child which was correct. There were a number of other reasons I stupidly let get to me. But, instead of breaking her with all of this I put it all on myself. I saw no reason to harm her more than she was already taking things. How this relates to you? Do you think for any reason he has masked some of his reasons for ending it other than just blaming himself? I know what he told you, but if his actions are not backing up now, what he told you, then I am wondering if it is a farce. However, keep in mind the time frame. Its not been long and sometimes these situations can take months to work out. So in the meantime, you will have to decide if you will wait, or move on. I have understood that my situation, even though she is being a s---, I still have to heal in order for her to come back and have a chance. She needs to see me as the loving, carefree, funny and confident guy she was in love with. NOT the broken down by stress, anxiety school and life that broke up with her guy. And maybe, thats what he is feeling inside as well if he does care and expressed himself as you said. He might feel foolish or embarrassed or even worse.....weak. Thats what I feel I have portrayed to her sometimes in trying to get her back but I really want to think that I offered her the truest notion of love I could in trying to get her back and she could not see past her own emotional immaturity and resentment to understand that. Just a hunch. Her family, who supposedly loved me, are now egging her on to do this as this is the pain and misery they have always understood in their relationships growing up. Its a hard line for her to break and I feel terrible that I helped put her inline to do this...but it was a choice she made. He made a choice, I made a choice, you will have to make a choice and all of us will be blessed in one way or another for having made it, no matter how difficult it is right now. Remember that. Right the consequences and hurt of all these choices is do fresh and painful, and we miss them so much. They leave a whole we feel cannot be filled. But it does and in a better way many times. And I am not going to tell you "you will find someone better either." I to hate that crap lol. We are not ready to be thinking optimistically like that otherwise we wouldnt be here lol.

 

You can only take on his issues so much as you are not married. Because of this, things will always be separate. Has he ever tried to distance himself from you when things were tough in the past? Have you ever smothered him when or if this happened or just in general? You would recognize pulling away signs if so.

 

When you left the phone message, what were you really going to tell him? Because it sounds like you did not get out exactly what you wanted him to know. However, its been long enough now that some sense of closure or statement in such a way may seem out of place. It may be a case of letting NC be that closure especially if he shows no action. Which makes it hard becomes time just drags on and on. Its almost easier to be crushed without wondering ya know. Maybe not....just listing ideas.

 

I am glad you are writing. That is healthy and if you pray, really pray and give it all God, and rely on him and read His word, then you will understand your place and purpose even more soon enough. This is my current journey. I am always curious what other people write when they experience these things. The emotions are so raw, real and rare. Just pure untamed honesty. There is something special about that I think. As I suggested to emmaylou here, maybe make a list of how you believe things ended from his perspective and yours. See how they both compare. Look for similarities and differences. This could help you understand more about where things went wrong....if at all. Especially if you can link that list with signs he has portrayed in his past or your past together.

 

Becareful though....like you, I often over analyze things and let them stew in my head for to long which just makes me sadder. Make sure you are balancing your hurt with trying to do something positive for yourself to make you better in the long run, even if you cant currently get the full enjoyment out of it now. Stay away from relationship help books until you are more over this. I have 5 waiting for me....but if I begin them now, I will just bend my mind to it and never make forward progress. Make this a study further down the road. Again, try not to overthink. Just brings us more misery.

 

99% of the time when things get difficult I dig in and fight! This is one of the first times I gave up. But I was so strong for so long....6 months I developed anxiety for the first time in my life. Multiple jobs, full time school in my senior year and all the work that goes with it for a 3.7 gpa, household, my beautiful daughter who I was failing in giving proper authentic attention at times and knew it, and my relationship. WAY to much on my plate. I snapped after to much time. I couldn't deal. It may be an excuse, but I was so clouded I pushed everyone away and kept everything inside. I didnt go out anymore or talk with friends. Did I fail? I tried to communicate what was happeneing to me but her support was not what I needed....patient understanding and faith that this is just a hard spot for us and was for our future as well. She kept coming at me. Now I feel somewhat weak in that I let my daughter, her and myself down. I make mistakes....I wish she could realize that. Took alot for me to understand that I did and how to fix it. For you and him, how does he do with admitting defeat? If he is an only child this could be a big problem for him. And does defeat embarrass him so much that he cannot face it? To some men it is crippling. Does he usually run when the going gets tough?

 

This is all I have for now until you answer more. I do want to say thank you for your point of view and is one of the most honest opinions I have heard yet. Thank you. If you think of more, let me know. If I did it right in conveying to her how I felt, why did she switch so fast? It was literally days.....4 days from I love you to me saying I miss you and I have a new plan for us. Crazy....

 

A point I read that you made.....You want them to be happy no matter what. I am at this point as well. It is so trusting, loving, and a great leap of faith that I commend you on. I know it doesnt feel like your letting go now...keep trying. Say it out loud if you have to. I have done it crying in my pillow. I am not ashamed to admit it. Holding on to her heart, or his for your part, is selfish and does not conform to love. It is so hard to let go. But God knows if you are real or not. I for one believe you. If you love them set them free right? Or something like that.....You are unique and special for the maturity you have displayed here, and in dealing with your ex. Take pride in that you know how to do it right. Nobody is perfect. But some have a gift.....I think you may have it.

 

Lovnlost-

 

"Right person, wrong time" was all his words. But the more I see it, is there ever a RIGHT time? Life is never in perfect harmony. Bad things happen but they don't last forever!

 

Like you, my ex felt that he wasn't pulling his own weight in the relationship, and that it was unfair to me that he couldn't give me 100% like I deserved. Again, his words. When it comes down to it, I really don't think he was masking anything. In the beginning everything was great, but as his life took a down turn, he lost some faith in himself. I'm sure as a man and a father, you will understand what he's going through a lot better than I can.

 

I'm not sure what you mean when you say "if his actions are not backing up..." Can you elaborate? Should he be talking to me now, if he really cared? I know him pretty well and the silence he's projecting now is hurtful because he told me he would always be here for me and that no matter what happened, we would stay in each other's lives. I never had any cause prior to the breakup, to doubt him. He is a very genuine guy. To think I used to tell him how much I admired his maturity. But you're right it hasn't been that long and I suspect he's still working things out in his head. I also think you could be right about how he is feeling. He doesn't take defeat well, but he usually isn't crippled by it either. If anything, he is his own toughest critic. I would hope that if he is having second thoughts about our breakup, that he would reach out to me and not let pride get in the way. Its so sad when men and women allow pride to stop a good relationship. I admire you for having the courage to admit your mistake to your ex, and being mature enough to respectfully as for her to take you back. And I do think she will btw, don't let this new guy worry you too much. He will prob end up making her come running to you. As you why she switched so fast, I'm not too sure. You said you were her biggest love, does that mean she has never been in a serious relationship before you? If so, she may just be confused and unclear about what she should be doing. Like on that other thread, the battle between one's heart and head can be difficult. If she has issues with emotional maturity, that's a factor too. But it doesn't mean she doesn't love you. I think she needs more time. And I have to add that I'm jealous of her...I wish my ex would contact me and say he made a mistake by letting me go! In fact there's many people on this site who want that too lol.

 

You also said that her family is telling her not to take you back? Do they know the whole story and about your letter? Usually parents just want their child to be happy and maybe they are just reacting on her upset about the initial breakup. (I got along great with his mother and father, can't imagine they would say anything other than that he shouldn't have let me go.) My friends and some of my family, wanted to yell at my ex for "breaking my heart" but that's counter productive and really not their place. I don't even like it when someone says something negative about him now. Guess that how you know you still love your ex when you say "hey only I can say bad things about him!" I still defend him, even to myself ironically.

 

I do agree, I cannot take on all of his issues. Maybe I did unintentionally smother him sometimes. Like when I kept insisting he talk about his problems, even if he didn't want to. But I was just trying to be a good and supportive girlfriend. He always said I could lean on him, I just wanted to do the same for him. There was one time previously, during christmas last year, when he got into a argument with his son's mother, about seeing him on christmas day. He wouldn't reply to my texts or call me back and I got worried. A few hours later he called me and said that he was fine, and just needed some alone time then he'd snap out of it. By the next day or two, things were back to normal and we were good.

 

When I left the voicemail, I truly didn't say all I needed to say. Wanted to not sound too emotional, but in just a week I was beyond miserable without him. I also wanted to say that him walking away really hurt me, but I knew it would cause him to feel guilty and I didn't want that. Do you think the fact that he didn't call me back is a bad sign? I just figured he wasn't ready to talk yet, and was still in his "man cave." Why did he then respond so quickly a week later when I texted him about his facebook post? He made sure to say that it wasn't about me, unless that isn't significant in your opinion.

 

I have been writing for years now. I want to write a novel actually, I have a few drafts. Since the breakup I have written a lot of poems, its a helpful way for me to vent my feelings. But it makes me sad when I think about how my ex loved my poetry and used to tell me how much he believed in me. Do you ever do that now, think back on good things she said and feel worse? For me its hard not too. Ever see the movie 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'? Sometimes I wish I could do that, have all my memories of him wiped from my brain so I don't have to live with this pain. Its been said that its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But lately I'm not so sure if I believe that. Been starting to feel guilty for not going to church (I'm catholic) but every time Sunday rolls around, I get kind of depressed and can't motivate myself to go. I do however, pray every night. I ask God for answers and desperately want to know why this is happening. I always thought that everything happens for a reason, but I can't find the reason for this. Why would God bring us together in such unusual circumstances, only to end up separating us later on? Him and I both used to say that our meeting was fate! Thanks for the idea of making a list, I will def try it.

 

I really do think my ex felt like you, that everything caused him to snap. And as you said about your ex, she wanted to support you but her help wasn't what you needed. Maybe that's how he feels too. I just wish I knew what he was thinking because overall it still doesn't make total sense to me. A week before the breakup, he was saying "I love you" and talking about eventually getting me a ring. Remembering that, damn near kills me now. But I do take stock in the mantra "if you love someone set them free, and if they come back it's meant to be" thinking that keeps me sane.

 

Thank you for saying I'm unique and special for my maturity. I owe a lot of that to my grandfather. He had a huge hand in helping raise me, and I am who I am today because of him. I think you're a good person, and I can't imagine your ex never coming back. We both just need to have faith and let destiny takes it course. I really appreciate your advice and I hope I've been able to give you some insight too. I don't think either of our situations are hopeless, we just need to have faith.

 

"Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." -Harriet Beecher Stowe

[singme2sleep]

Singme2sleep....I understand what you mean about possibly needing to distance herself from me to avoid the pain, but how does entering a relationship with someone else coincide with loving the one you love? Why would someone turn such a harsh blind eye? It is a concept of rebounding I simply do not understand. To me she downgraded, buried the pain, and IS trying to hurt me with some of the things she said and did. Some of her statements were completely contradictory and she lied to me about seeing someone two weeks before she entered into the relationship. She has never lied to me before. These are just questions I have though I think will never be answered.

 

I am sure you are right about her feeling abandoned....I have done everything I can to show her I fowled up and make amends.....I guess I do not understand how that wasnt good enough. How does one deny such love or such an attempt to reconcile with no response? I still cannot fathom this. I have tried to chalk it up to emotional immaturity and pain....which others have also told me. But she is acting nothing like the girl I knew before. Like she lost all sense of her reasoning about relationship dynamics that we learned together. Its hard to fathom.

 

I agree that she may be feeling abandoned by me and I wish to God I can take that all back. You mentioned this is how you feel. However, how does one make up for that? How could your ex make you feel secure enough for you to take him back if he was pursuing you again? You have mentioned what I did was possibly sufficient. She knows me heart and the ball is in her court. Would you have to continue to spend time and have distance away from him in order to have the hurt of all of this subside before you could accept him back? Truly, what would it take for you? How would he have to prove to you? Is there anything else I could do to prove my love? I dont think I can, especially since she is with someone else. That means I need to respect her decisions and give her time and space I think. I thought I was a lucky guy to have her love...but I am not so sure her actions show I do anymore.....she is a lucky girl? Thanks for the compliment....I wish she would realize this at some point and what we mean to each other.

 

I am trying to understand how this distance with my ex, especially while she is with someone else, will affect things. I do not understand her healing process as I understand my own. It would be so much easier to understand without the rebound. But I suppose your right....we have to trust they love us enough.

 

 

I think that by going out with someone new, it will only make her see how much better you are. I have a friend who was married for about 3 years. One day her husband just packed his stuff and left her without warning, she confided in me how shocked she was because she didn't even know he was unhappy in their relationship. They went as far as getting divorced, I think it was mostly G.I.G.S for him, like he felt that single life would be so much better. But after a few months he realized its not, and that being single isn't all its cracked up to be. He finally acknowledged how special his wife was and that he wouldn't find anyone else like her. He came crying to her asking for forgiveness and telling her he was lost without her. They ended up getting re-married and then had a baby after that. Your ex may have to go out with someone else, and really experience life without you to "wake up." I know it sucks to think about her with someone else, but if she comes back, she will never doubt after that, your relationship and that you are the one for her. And it also sucks having unanswered questions, trust me I know.

 

Responding to your question, I don't understand how people can deny deep love. Sometimes they push it aside and that's foolish. There's no way I could ever do that because everything reminds me of him. I'm not trying to insult your ex, but maybe she is trying to hurt you because your breaking up hurt her? I've searched a lot of websites and they tend to say that if the dumper wants you back, don't make it so easy for them. Make them prove they won't leave again. I am not saying your ex is def thinking this way, just a possible theory. I know what you mean when you say she isn't acting like the person you knew, I feel the same about my ex. We never went a day without talking and he used to promise me we would always be in each others lives. I don't understand how he could just not want to talk to me at all, regardless of our relationship status because underneath the romance, we were friends also.

 

It's hard to make up for leaving, I guess if anything its more about what you do instead of what you say. If he suddenly called me and wanted me back, on the inside I would be thrilled, but I wouldn't necessarily convey that to him. I would want to get together and talk things out in person, so I could see his face and read his body language. I would let him know how I feel and tell him he hurt me, but I would also accept some of the blame. Thinking back now, I feel that I put pressure on him to be everything to me. I once told him that he was the only thing in my life that made me happy. I said it as a compliment, not realizing until much later that it was like putting extra weight on his already tired shoulders. If I stop and put myself in his shoes, I can see why he felt overwhelmed because I can't expect him to be the sole source of happiness in my life, anymore than I can be for him. Two people must be happy on their own before they can be happy together. So, he and I would have a lot to discuss. But I would tell him that I wanted to takes things slow, and just change certain little aspects of the dynamic of our relationship, for the better. I wouldn't make him jump through hoops, but I would want to know that he was committed this time and if he ever had doubts again he would talk to me rather than shut me out. I would love it if he wrote me a letter, like you did for her (kudos btw). Actually he wrote me one when we first started dating, and I cherish it even now.

 

I don't think there is much else you can do now, like you said just give her time and space...those 2 elements can be powerful. Sometimes the best action is inaction, right? But don't worry, you're going about it the right way. Keep praying too!

[lovnlost]

" I'm sure as a man and a father, you will understand what he's going through a lot better than I can."

 

It is incredibly hard. Especially when I am so hard on myself for not doing more than I think I should, though I forget I am so strapped for time and stressed sometimes, I need to realize that I am doing my best with what hand I have. I am usually very self aware which allows me this insight, but I do not always make the right choices when things are like this. When I finish school in a couple terms it will be easier all around. Then I deploy next year. That will be a different kind of monster all together.

 

What I meant about backing up his actions.....If he was doing something other than what he is doing now, or based on what he told you his reasons for breaking up were, than I would say he is full of it. For example....if he was out partying and hanging out with friends now rather than working on himself and moving forward for him and his daughter. But I am sure that is difficult to ascertain because you are in NC and crippled your fb account. I had to block her to stop myself from checking her page because I was weak. Especially when she posted a pic of her kissing his cheek. She has posted several things that I felt were pointed at hurting me. So I blocked so I dont look and she cant peer into my life either. That and the actions completely honors her decisions. I dumped her family as well. What did he post on FB that got you upset? If he responded to you it about this, and that is the only contact he has made to you, then I suspect he cares about what you think of him and what he is doing. Try not to over think things as I do lol. It gets me in trouble.

 

Pride.....men and women's downfall in and out of relationships. Our greatest sin. It is empowering and defeating in the end because we always fail. If you believe him to be genuine then he will probably come around and with his words of love to you, he may just need time to get over himself and stop feeling bad for his actions. I am sure he does. Most do at some point and this is certain if is a mature individual. He could be waiting to get right with himself and feel fully confident again in order to engage you again in a relationship. If you promised each other that you will always be there for one another, then that may very well be true. But its that damn "time" variable that always gets to us. It cannot be overcome by our own will alone. We must couple with it and learn how it can change us. This is part of gaining wisdom in life, especially if you are believer in God. Time, love and patience. I know its hard to accept, believe me I do, but here we are coping and learning with time. So it has its benefits.

 

"Maybe I did unintentionally smother him sometimes. Like when I kept insisting he talk about his problems, even if he didn't want to. But I was just trying to be a good and supportive girlfriend"

 

DO NOT be hard on yourself for this. Insisting one talk of their problems is a great sign of love I believe. I have had to do it with all of my exes as I seem to be with people who bottle up their emotions more often than not which does not help the relationship at times. However, some people just need more time to process I think. I would LOVE to be with someone who actively chose to discuss their problems, big or small, frequently. It shows trust, maturity and growth. I have always said that I want to be with someone who challenges me to be the best I can be in life. Gentle prodding in this category of communication, I think, is healthy. IMO I believe you were being supportive and a good girlfriend for doing so. So many don't. My ex, while she may not have been able to help me solve all my dilemas, was at least willing to listen to me and be a sounding board at times. We would help each other work through things together. And this is positive. Did he rely on you to help him resolve things as well? Like open discussion for the best outcomes? This is valuable and special to find in someone. I suspect if you truly thought you were smothering him frequently, then you would have seen specific signs like pulling away or getting very agitated at little things. I did with my ex towards the end, and that is only because she lacked the wisdom to help me resolve things. The problems were my own, and I was a fool in not realizing that her simply being there for me was beautiful. As he progresses now, and is as mature as you say he is, then he will come around at some point I believe.

 

"Do you ever do that now, think back on good things she said and feel worse?"

 

yes I do. It is common as we remember. We can choose to remember the good or the bad, and I choose to remember the good because I think that each relationship has its place in our life's journey. Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all? No chance....think of the joy in life we would have missed if this is the case. God is love and love is God and this He wants us to know and understand in order to understand his plan for us. Do not feel bad about not going to church every Sunday. I began going with my ex again and she loved it. Now she doesn't go at all which makes me sad. As long as you have faith, pray, and believe in His promises....then your prayer and reliance on him is your church worship. We go to celebrate and learn, not to feel guilt, because remember, He set us free from such. I have been actively praying for forgiveness from Him for my pride and my bad parts in our relationship and also for her to forgive me. This only has to be done once, but because the waves of hurt are so frequent, I find myself doing it often. When we are suffering and hurt, this is what also brings us closer to God and He will show us a better plan and way, as well as give us peace for our troubles. Trust in that. And fate is planned by His will, not humans, although it sure makes us feel special when we hear it. I want you to know, that I am reconnecting as well, and the path is difficult when while so troubled. The enemy wants us to feel bad and blame ourselves....it spreads fear. And you know how bad that can be.

 

My ex smothered me but thats because she loved me so much.....I asked her politely many times to give me room....even asked for a break for a couple weeks before I broke up so I could sort things out. She said no, that it was the same as breaking up to her. It happened in her last relationship and it failed. Because of her ex, not her. I am not that guy and I told her that. She was fearful and that is understandable. The more I pulled away, the closer she drew near because she thought she was losing me despite me reassurances. In the end...I did not hold up to my reassurances.

 

A week before our break up I was doing the same thing....telling her I love her....we said it to each other....though I didnt discuss marriage much with her. She wanted to spend her life with me. I was worried....I realized in my letter about my commitment issues. I have been on my own since I was a teenager so I have had to rely on myself for the most part and continued to do so in my relationships. I said 'I" instead of we to frequently. In my letter I examined this and told her about my break through and wanted to commit to her without this concept in our way. I redefined our intimacy, offered her transparency, told her she helped me show my daughter what a loving relationship is. Its imperative that my kid sees the language of love between me and another for obvious reasons. Essentially I told her I wanted to date her again and take things slow. That I wanted the slow burn....a spark to kindle a small flame that will grow into something wonderful with time. I got no response to this.

 

As far as her family goes? It is more her immediate family, her mom she is taking after at the moment, that does not support me. The rest of her family loves me and wanted us back together. Thought we were going to marry as well. Her mother has had horrible relationships her whole life and that behavior now is precisely what she is resembling. When hurt, you hurt back, stonewall and ignore for control, and compartmentalize and suppress feelings. She hated this side of her mom, though I guess when down and out resort to what you know.

 

For my part, the letter, showing up to her house to apologize and thanking her I felt would have cleared the air. How was I to know her new bf was going to be there when I did this. But I didnt let her throw up a wall or speak her peace. Only asked her to listen. I heard later that she was livid that I did this....but again....how could I have known. It doesnt matter now.

 

She wrote me once about fighting for each other and gave me a quote regarding it. I gave her the same quote back because I understand the value of fighting for the one you love fully now and would not give up. I know exactly what you mean with that quote. But sometimes fighting as you say is with inaction. I am praying for your healing!

Edited March 7, 2013 by lovnlost

[lovnlost]

I think that by going out with someone new, it will only make her see how much better you are. I have a friend who was married for about 3 years. One day her husband just packed his stuff and left her without warning, she confided in me how shocked she was because she didn't even know he was unhappy in their relationship. They went as far as getting divorced, I think it was mostly G.I.G.S for him, like he felt that single life would be so much better. But after a few months he realized its not, and that being single isn't all its cracked up to be. He finally acknowledged how special his wife was and that he wouldn't find anyone else like her. He came crying to her asking for forgiveness and telling her he was lost without her. They ended up getting re-married and then had a baby after that. Your ex may have to go out with someone else, and really experience life without you to "wake up." I know it sucks to think about her with someone else, but if she comes back, she will never doubt after that, your relationship and that you are the one for her. And it also sucks having unanswered questions, trust me I know.

 

Responding to your question, I don't understand how people can deny deep love. Sometimes they push it aside and that's foolish. There's no way I could ever do that because everything reminds me of him. I'm not trying to insult your ex, but maybe she is trying to hurt you because your breaking up hurt her? I've searched a lot of websites and they tend to say that if the dumper wants you back, don't make it so easy for them. Make them prove they won't leave again. I am not saying your ex is def thinking this way, just a possible theory. I know what you mean when you say she isn't acting like the person you knew, I feel the same about my ex. We never went a day without talking and he used to promise me we would always be in each others lives. I don't understand how he could just not want to talk to me at all, regardless of our relationship status because underneath the romance, we were friends also.

 

It's hard to make up for leaving, I guess if anything its more about what you do instead of what you say. If he suddenly called me and wanted me back, on the inside I would be thrilled, but I wouldn't necessarily convey that to him. I would want to get together and talk things out in person, so I could see his face and read his body language. I would let him know how I feel and tell him he hurt me, but I would also accept some of the blame. Thinking back now, I feel that I put pressure on him to be everything to me. I once told him that he was the only thing in my life that made me happy. I said it as a compliment, not realizing until much later that it was like putting extra weight on his already tired shoulders. If I stop and put myself in his shoes, I can see why he felt overwhelmed because I can't expect him to be the sole source of happiness in my life, anymore than I can be for him. Two people must be happy on their own before they can be happy together. So, he and I would have a lot to discuss. But I would tell him that I wanted to takes things slow, and just change certain little aspects of the dynamic of our relationship, for the better. I wouldn't make him jump through hoops, but I would want to know that he was committed this time and if he ever had doubts again he would talk to me rather than shut me out. I would love it if he wrote me a letter, like you did for her (kudos btw). Actually he wrote me one when we first started dating, and I cherish it even now.

 

I don't think there is much else you can do now, like you said just give her time and space...those 2 elements can be powerful. Sometimes the best action is inaction, right? But don't worry, you're going about it the right way. Keep praying too!

 

My ex does not understand fully the dynamics of relationships that we are discussing here I do not think. In fact I believe it is rare that BOTH in a relationship do. Usually it is just one. But that is partly what holds us to one another as we compliment each other in different ways. Probably the same as your ex wouldnt. They do not look for healing in the same way it seems. You may be right in your ideas about my ex. She may need to experience life with someone else to cope and see what else is out there. Forgiveness will be paramount for her. Although she expressed such to me in the month after when trying to get me back already. It was only after I came back that she decided to be angry with me. Odd how that changed so fast. Pride? Pain? Her mothers influence? Who knows...but there it is. She did not get the whole give me space and time concept. I wish I came to my senses then....however I would not have come up with what I did in my letter which I think are invaluable to us moving forward together with a greater love and understanding. For a month I kept trying to meet with her and give her space, and she said ok every week. But then hardened her heart to me the more she saw this other guy. I guess the new was better than reopening the old.

 

She told me similarly that I was her source of happiness. She relied on that SO much that I think it was somewhat dangerous. Doing so put me on a pedestal that I did not live up to I think. Expectations perhaps that I could not fulfill. And I had unfair expectations at the end as well. This idea can do so much harm if not addressed. Awareness is difficult when we are blinded by love I think.

 

I thought my actions were proper in trying to get her back. My actions fully backed up my words in my letter. Thank you for the vote of confidence in doing things right now. I needed to hear that. I do think she is trying to hurt me some. I mentioned that to her once but she brushed it off.....however she did not go into further detail as to why she was doing what she was doing. Again, lack of communication and she held, and still does hold the keys. I hope I proved to her what your conveying about what you want your ex to do for you in ensuring he wont leave again.

 

"I once told him that he was the only thing in my life that made me happy. I said it as a compliment, not realizing until much later that it was like putting extra weight on his already tired shoulders. If I stop and put myself in his shoes, I can see why he felt overwhelmed because I can't expect him to be the sole source of happiness in my life, anymore than I can be for him."

 

This is an outstanding revelation! I felt overwhelmed as well. But do not be too hard on yourself for this. We are learning. I hope she cherishes the letter I gave her and reflects on it again one day. Communication...it is so important....and if he chooses to not do this with you when it gets tough again, and it will, then perhaps you will have to think what is best for you in the long run. And he may not be a apart of that future. Not trying to be mean...but it is something I am thinking about for myself as well. You have your act together and are sure of your feelings for the most part....I know it may not seem like it at times as I KNOW the feelings are up and down. But you are not sounding desperate or foolhardy. You too, I believe, are doing it right. Be strong.....and pray. Goodnight.

[emmalynro]

When I finally came in today I saw him getting coffee with a friend. He saw me and immediately booked it so fast around the corner his friend could barely keep up. Go ahead, tell me what that means.

 

Instead of breaking my no-contact I'll just say it here:

 

I hate you! You don't care and you don't feel guilty, you never cared about me. You lied about how much you cared, you lied when you said you could be with me forever, you lied when you said even touching me would make you change your mind! It's all a cop-out and you hate me. You never thought about what would be the "least painful" thing for me. You just wanted me gone and out of your life no matter what. You weren't even really crying that day, were you? Did you just make yourself cry before you saw me so that I'd pity you?

 

The work was an excuse. You hate me, you hate me, you don't even give a damn about what I'm feeling, all that **** about how devastated you were and how guilty you feel was just another lie. You don't care. You don't care about me or anything. A self-destructive spiral getting rid of what you love? F--- you, you don't mean that, you never did, you just hated me and you didn't care how I felt.

 

I hate that this is so easy on you. You said you were devastated, you said this was just as hard on you. Yeah, right! You're lying, you just wanted to make me "feel better" or whatever worked in your sick, twisted mind, you didn't give a damn.

 

We're supposed to talk when this is all over, but Lord knows you won't want to. But what if I don't want to? What if I can't bear this? What if I want to shoot myself in the face rather than look at you?

 

What did I do to deserve this? Please tell me so I never have to go through this again. If you gave even one tenth of a damn about me you wouldn't do this.

 

You're a liar, a liar, a liar!

Edited March 7, 2013 by emmalynro

[misswillow]

I am so happy I found this thread. As you can see, this is my first post, but I've been lurking since this past Saturday, when my bf broke up with me.

 

I'm not sure if I should post my story here, or start a new thread, but this is the only one I've found where it seems the breakups have been between people who both still love each other. My ex and I were together for almost 2.5 years and this is actually the third time he has done this. He's always come back within ten days, completely regretting his decision and realizing how miserable he is without me. Always promising he won't ever do it again, but then he does when he gets overwhelmed with his life.

 

The most recent break, before this one, was about 2 mos ago and he moved out. The main source of our problems have to do with his difficult relationship with his kids and his ex-wife, and the fact that his kids have not warmed up to me the way he had hoped, or I to them. They are 6 and 8 and always want to be with their mom and not him, and this kills him. He's tried everything to make things better, to no avail. His kids and I have not had a bad relationship, just not a very close one, and I recently found out that they really don't like me, or so they say. And I think they also say they don't want me around, although he hasn't come right out and told me.

 

As recently as two weeks ago he was telling me how much he loved me, I'm the love of his life, we will make this work, we are like magnets who cannot stay away from each other even when we try, and I'm the best person he ever met, and most people will never feel love the way we feel it for each other. Last week things really hit the fan between him and his ex at a therapy session about the kids and he broke up with me the next day. At the same time he was dealing with all of this, I was questioning him about what was my relationship with the kids was going to be...I hadn't seen them in a month and I felt like I still needed to be a part of their lives, even in a small way, if things were going to progress. I think he was trying not to hurt me by not telling me they did not want to see me.

 

When he ended it, by phone, he said how I don't want to have to go through this (the battles with the ex over visitation, child support, etc), I deserve better, I am everything and he is such a mess. I told him I loved him and that's what people do for those they love, but I guess he didn't understand that. I ended the call quickly because I was so hurt, I even told him that I wished I had never met him. Later that day, I felt bad and texted him that I was worried about his situation and would still be there if he needed me. I was literally all he had for support...no family, no close friends. He didn't respond to the text. The next day I called because I didn't want the five minute convo to be the end, but he did not pick up and did not call me back. Now it's been four days since then.

 

He even told me last week that if he didn't have kids, we would have no problems. And it's hurtful that his kids must hate me so much, and I don't even understand it. The last time I saw his daughter (who I think is the real problem here), we played for two hours. And I played with her a lot of other times. We never fought, I never disciplined them, although I tried to encourage my bf to discipline them more and instill rules, and I think they resented that. I also think she resents any attention he pays to me instead of her, although she does like it when I give her attention.

 

So I'm doing NC now. Like I said, after about a week of NC in the past, he has always come back. I must sound like an idiot wanting him back after he's done this to me two other times, but I know it doesn't have to do with his feelings for me, but his difficult situation, and his impulsiviity when he becomes overwhelmed. I wish I could make him understand that this situation is rarely easy (i.e., divorce, kids, new relationship), but we can keep trying because we really love each other. I plan to write him a letter in about three weeks to say the things I did not get to say in our last conversation, and explain that I am sorry that I was pressuring him when he was already under so much pressure. I won't beg and plead, but I will tell him that I don't agree that we should be apart, and I don't think he should let his ex and his kids dictate who he is with, but I will accept his decision if that's what he really wants.

 

I know a lot of people may not agree that I should do anything, but those of you in somewhat similar situations...what do you think? I feel like it's something I have to do for my peace of mind, or else I will always wonder.

 

Emmalynro, I think we went through a breakup on the same day. Are you still planning on writing a letter in a few weeks? I saw your most recent post, and it seems like you may be having a change of heart.

 

Lovnlost, it almost seems like you may be a little bit like my ex-bf, although I don't think he would be as introspective and thoughtful as you in thinking about these things. I sure hope that he has the change of heart that you had, but maybe it won't happen for a third time. If I were your ex, I would have been thrilled, but I can imagine she also is afraid that you will change your mind again and she will be hurt all over. I worry about that too, each time it happens. But yet it doesn't seem to be enough to discourage me from trying again.

 

Singme2sleep...a lot of what you say really hits me, I have many of the same feelings. He was my "person" and I am lost without him...I really believe he must feel the same. Sometimes it's comforting to know that there are others out there going through something similar, although I hate to think of others being as miserable as I am right now.