Is this really and truly the end?

[lovnlost]

One more critical thing......she keeps insisting she is happy and no longer wanting to talk about us to her aunt. But this always takes place in front of my exes mom who is not supporting her properly. What my ex is doing is exactly the behavior her mother condones. Im not prodding her aunt to do a.thing, but she believes my ex is.acting stupid and needs to thnk and is being immature. So I need to accept these statements. Her aunt, like the rest of her family.really supports us. She tells me what they talk about sometimes. Should I tell her to stop? I think my ex is just trying to convince herself that she is happy with her current situation...but it is not my place anymore.

[emmalynro]

Today was hilarious.

 

For background, I had done up my hair and worn some nice makeup, but it's Friday and the most my employer can hope for after this week is jeans and a sweater. I think I looked pretty cute albeit unexceptional. Anyway, as I walked in I saw him standing in the doorway of a coworker's office. Whatever, I thought, and went towards my seat. But when I approached him he STARED! And as I breezed past him he turned around and turned his head to follow me like some kind of shocked owl. He looked as stunned as though I had walked in naked. I hurried to my seat without acknowledging him but I almost laughed out loud. It was just so completely weird and non-subtle. What do you suppose it means?

 

I saw him later that day while I was smiling and whistling to myself. When he saw me he frowned, shoved his hands into his pockets, turned his face down to the floor and stalked by all grumbly-like. Well, whatever. You're the one who owl'd me, buddy.

[misswillow]

Today was hilarious.

 

For background, I had done up my hair and worn some nice makeup, but it's Friday and the most my employer can hope for after this week is jeans and a sweater. I think I looked pretty cute albeit unexceptional. Anyway, as I walked in I saw him standing in the doorway of a coworker's office. Whatever, I thought, and went towards my seat. But when I approached him he STARED! And as I breezed past him he turned around and turned his head to follow me like some kind of shocked owl. He looked as stunned as though I had walked in naked. I hurried to my seat without acknowledging him but I almost laughed out loud. It was just so completely weird and non-subtle. What do you suppose it means?

 

I saw him later that day while I was smiling and whistling to myself. When he saw me he frowned, shoved his hands into his pockets, turned his face down to the floor and stalked by all grumbly-like. Well, whatever. You're the one who owl'd me, buddy.

 

I bet he was shocked that you looked so great and happy, when he expects you to be moping around. Good for you!

[emmalynro]

I bet he was shocked that you looked so great and happy, when he expects you to be moping around. Good for you!

 

I'm not so sure. I was quite happy when I saw him Tuesday and felt fine. I have no idea why it's suddenly so alarming that I'm...wearing a sweater and jeans? That I have my hair up? I got nothin'. But I do think it probably bugs him a little to see that I'm not crying my eyes out.

[misswillow]

lovnlost, I 've been trying to think where your ex may be coming from. With regard to her age, I think that could play a part. When I was 23, I had a very serious long-term boyfriend. While I loved him, he was my first real relationship and I wondered what else was out there. I think because of this, I treated him very poorly near the end and resented that he was keeping me from having a fun, single life. I had no idea what a great guy he was, and how hard it was to find someone like him. My mom always used to tell me that, but I felt like I needed to experience other guys myself. However, it didn't take too long until I missed him like crazy and wanted him back. I don't remember the exact timeframe, but it was probably within a few months. Our breakup was mutual, though (but based on my poor treatment of him), and he didn't want me back. He wouldn't even talk to me. It has taken me almost fifteen years to find that kind of connection again, and really feel loved like that again, and that was with my most recent ex. If only I could have told my 23-year old self what I know now.

 

So that might be part of what is going on with your ex. This guy she is seeing now does not sound serious at all, definitely a rebound. Do you think that the "adultness" of your relationship may have scared her, and maybe the fact that she would maybe become a stepmom to your daughter? You said that you used her lack of warming up to your daughter as a reason for the breakup...I know personally I was always very hurt when my ex would criticize my less than great relationship with his kids. Did you point this concern out to her a lot, in a way that she could have felt she was being criticized for not being good with your daughter? Did she ever tell you how she felt about the relationship?

 

Also, she may just feel that she can't trust you not to change your mind about her again. I know I took my ex back (yes, twice) but I always worried that I was making a mistake and that he would do it again. And I was right. Maybe she doesn't want to put herself through that anxiety. And someone else came along to take her mind off of you for now.

 

And lastly, did you say in an earlier post that you will be deployed soon? Forgive me if I am confusing you with someone else. But if so, do you think that could play a role?

 

Just some thoughts...I am much older than a 23 y.o., but in some ways I don't think women change all that much...

Edited March 8, 2013 by misswillow

[misswillow]

Do all of you dream of your exes as if you're still together? I do every single night. It kills me when I wake up. How badly I wish he were sleeping there beside me, that he would just reach out and hold me. He used to wake up all the time and tell me he had a nightmare that I left him, and just hold me. How can a man who would be so upset just after a dream of not being with me actually leave me in reality?

[misswillow]

Another question. I feel like that I absolutely must try to talk to my ex again, either by letter, phone, or asking him to see me in person. I'm not sure which yet. But it's something I know I must do, I can't let a five minute conversation be it. But I just don't know when to do it. In the past, he's realized he missed me in about a week. Up until that point, he is cold and distant and not willing to really talk. But once that time passes, he becomes very emotional and open about his feelings. I think I should probably wait longer than a week, but I'm also afraid that it will be a setback for me. If I'm going to be hurt by this communication, shouldn't I get it over sooner rather than later? Or am I just looking for excuses to get in touch sooner?

 

Some people may wonder why I would get in touch with him if I think it will set me back or hurt me. However, I think I will always regret if I don't do it, and regret that I ended our last conversation so abruptly and never got the chance to say what I was feeling once I was a little more clearheaded.

[misswillow]

I'm not so sure. I was quite happy when I saw him Tuesday and felt fine. I have no idea why it's suddenly so alarming that I'm...wearing a sweater and jeans? That I have my hair up? I got nothin'. But I do think it probably bugs him a little to see that I'm not crying my eyes out.

 

Well, there may have just been something about your attitude that he could sense, since you do seem to be feeling better -- and more angry rather than sad -- since earlier this week, based on your posts here. It could just be something intangible that he sensed, and didn't necessarily like.

[emmalynro]

I think you should definitely reach out to your ex at some point. However, you're the only one who knows when you're ready to talk to him again. When you've reached the point where you don't want to throw things at him, don't want to burst into tears at the sight of him, don't want to yell or scream or cry or do anything but have a mature, reasonable conversation---then you'll be ready.

 

The silly thing is that he didn't look angry with me (not at first, anyhow), just stunned. If I had been wearing a live octopus on my head then his reaction would have made perfect sense. As it was, it was just odd. I was wearing a blue sweater he'd said he'd liked a while back; I wore it on our second date. It's one of my favorite sweaters and I try to wear it often. I can't at all see why that would be such a dramatic experience but what are you gonna do?

[singme2sleep]

singme2sleep...

 

I think he will come around after he sorts his head and heart out. As, best you can try and not think about what he is doing. I plague and ruin myself in this way everyday and its aweful because I have seen that pic. And yes, I believe it was insensitive of her to post. Several of her posts have been like that. Its a photo booth pic she took a picture of and posted. Our first month together she did the same thing to her fb page. Those pics of us in the photo booth have been sitting in a frame with my daughter as well next to my bed, the side she slept on, and she saw everyday she woke with me and everyday she went to sleep by me. I think she new exactly what she was doing...and I am angry with her for that....But have let it go as best I can. As I said, I have to let this go and not hold it over her head and make her feel guilty for it all. Besides, by my not addressing is, wouldnt it make her feel more guilty for the way she is doing things? Just a thought, I dont want her to hurt anymore, but occasionally I feel these tinges of frustration.

 

I do not think you over reacted with about the fb thing. I read into things like that as well at times. Its normal. Dont stress it, and like I said, I think he texted back so fast because he does still care. Otherwise he would have ignored you completely.

 

I do think he misses you. Such feelings built over time with someone I think are impossible to avoid. I too miss the morning texts and sayings. The I love yous and hellos. Its very hard to not have that everyday. At night I snuggle up to a pillow before I falls asleep, I dream of having my hand around her, smelling her hair. Kissing her goodnight and saying I love you. Miss putting my arm around her and so much more....so ya...I think he misses that as much as you do. At night, right before bed and the morning when we first wake we are at our weakest and think of them the most. This is when its hardest sometimes. I always wonder if she is thinking of me when she has him arm around her at these times and if she dreams of me the way I do her sometimes. It tears me up inside and is so painful. I have to block such things all the time....all the time. This new kind of pain is unique and I do not know when it will stop. Sorry....got weak there for a second. I dont sleep much at night. Havent even before the break up. Even less now and I workout hard everyday hoping to feel extra tired. Today I biked 12 miles to and from school, I ran 6 miles, and then I did a cardio workout in the evening. I study and perform my daily tasks...but God is the only peace I feel from these insecurities.

 

You will know when the numbness wears off when he gets in contact with you again I feel. And then you play your hand. Have it ready. 5 weeks is significant time....but perhaps not enough yet. I know how it feels as my heart is breaking to when I reflect upon it. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

 

I understand about false hope. Despite what you said, I wonder if I wounded her so badly she may not ever come back to me, but continue on her path. We have unresolved issues. When things like that occur, you almost always cross paths again I think. I think you and him might have them too especially since you were unable to communicate your side of things. Mine told me there was nothing more to talk about in a text message and that I should be over her as she was with me and that she met someone. This is hardly closure even if it is the way she chose to communicate such things. She simply pushed me away, time and time again.

 

I think she was mad that I caught her off guard. She said she wished I would have called....and I replied "So you could shine me on again?" I did things my way that time....I was trying to meet her and apologize in person...I chose not to go to her house sooner because I was respected her wishes and space. I thought I did that right. I had no idea it would have backfired the way it did. Now, I hope you are right....that she does need more time and space. But they are probably in a honeymoon phase of their relationship when its fresh and new and feels great. It pisses me off and annoys the hell out of me. And makes me feel....so bad. But there is nothing I can do. I will hang in there as it is all I can do. I appreciate your confidence! Very much so. Thank you.

 

Yesterday was tough for you as the last two days were very bad for me too. I feel you. Stay as strong as you can.

 

Aside from all this, what are some positives you are doing each day to make yourself better and heal other than the writing?

 

Lovnlost-

 

You should try Melatonin to help you sleep. Its a harmless vitamin, so you can't get hooked on it and is available in various dosages. I take it and I've been sleeping better.

 

As far as you wounded her too badly...I'm not sure. I think when you really love someone, almost everything (short of abuse) is forgivable. You are prob right about the unresolved issues, both our relationships have them and that is a good indication of possible reconciliation in the future. Also don't regret going to see her, it was a sweet gesture!

 

But if my ex was seeing someone new, it would really bother me too. So I give you credit for not running over there and punching the guy lol.

 

When it comes to finding positive things to do, I'm trying. I am working on my novel, but its daunting sometimes because I tend to be a perfectionist. I also have seen a few movies with my sister and friends. The first week or so after the breakup, I got kinda lazy and apathetic about my appearance but now I'm back to wearing makeup, doing my hair and trying to feel better about myself. I even started getting my nails done, which is making me feel good. Although my first thought after I left the nail salon was "I wonder if he'd like them?!" Sigh

 

In regards to working out...that's great. They say the endorphins you get from exercising make you feel happy. I used to have a treadmill, but it got ruined in the storm.

 

Anything we do for ourselves is a positive.

[singme2sleep]

Do all of you dream of your exes as if you're still together? I do every single night. It kills me when I wake up. How badly I wish he were sleeping there beside me, that he would just reach out and hold me. He used to wake up all the time and tell me he had a nightmare that I left him, and just hold me. How can a man who would be so upset just after a dream of not being with me actually leave me in reality?

 

misswillow-

 

I dream about him a lot. But usually in my dreams we are broken up and he is asking to come back. It sucks waking up then to reality.

 

Once, when we were together, I had a dream that one day he just vanished from my life without a word. Stopped answering my calls, stopped replying texts and deleted me on facebook. I remember telling him about it and his exact words were "THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN" well go figure...

 

To answer your question, idk maybe in his mind he plans on coming back like in the past. Its hard to understand how men think and why they do what they do. If I ever figure it out, I'm writing a book! lol

 

Anyway just think, if you're dreaming about him, he's prob dreaming about you too. Hang in there!

[singme2sleep]

When I first engaged her for reconciliation, she said in texts to me "I cant do this." I am so confused" Several times. Then she said she has to do what is best for herself once. Then the anger came. Entering into a new relationship with her ex boyfriends older brother, I dont think she has shown she is any less confused. I believe she just decided that it was easier to push me away entirely rather than open up to me and accept our love. There was still anger from her. She was still hurt and it began to show more and more. She tried to tell me there was nothing more to say in her "I am over you" text. Since then I have found out from her family that she has been contradicting herself with regards to what she told me, justifying her current actions. According to one very close to her, she knows she made a mistake but is letting this new relationship play out anyway....so strange that people allow such things to occur. It is my view that this guy saw a vulnerable attractive girl and played to it. Hence only 3 weeks of dating before relationship started. And her anger and frustration forced her to move quickly. I should have given her more room maybe. I dont know. Took me 3 months to earn her trust trust and love. And I ruined that with my actions. She has also known him for some time though never really had contact for years. So, knowing him, I think made it easier....having a history ya know. This guy and his brother hate each other and have never moved past that. He cant drive so she drives him everywhere. So again, forcing it I think and it gives her a sense of control which she wants to feel again. I have to stop typing about this right now. It is ruining my peace and making me feel terrible. If you have more questions I would be happy to answer.....I know these are new dynamics to consider. Read what I wrote Misswillow as well about our age and the like. I am sure that will make a difference. Thank you again for the support and advice.

 

Wow, going out with an ex's older brother is kinda cold (sorry to say) but she could also be doing it to lash out. If she told someone close to her that she made a mistake with not taking you back, then that's proof she still cares. She could also feel foolish for getting into a rebound relationship to basically spite you, now she doesn't know how to gracefully get out of it. Again, just my opinion.

[singme2sleep]

Its alot of pressure on you from your stand point with his kids. Sometimes I think that people are so ready to commit to the person and they love they feel for them they do no realize how big taking on someone else children can be. It is always difficult. However, I think if there is enough love, it can be done. Takes understanding and huge desire to take on anothers children.

 

I think my ex felt an outsider at times. And you have to include yourself as an insider and go to those games I think. Be a part of their lives all around if you want to show full support. The ex is not something you can help very much other than be cordial and understanding. But, its tricky, I understand your reservations about it.

 

I have been separated from my daughters mother for about 3 years now. And like with us and healing, and new situations, for kids, it also takes time, understanding, patience and communication. I understand his feelings as a failure in fatherhood. But our kids have their own personalities and are their own people with opinions and thoughts. We can only assist them so much....they are so smart, strong and fragile. But, they will also determine things for themselves and he must realize he cannot WILL them believe of act as he wants them to no matter how much he wishes it. Its an acceptance thing that is very hard to overcome.

 

People are going to think I am weird for putting this much devotion to my ex because she is 23 and I am 34. That is a big age gap I know. And thats why I think emotional maturity is an issue. However, she is incredibly mature and we have both been through a very difficult childhood that we are able to relate and understand one another to a large degree. Her relationship woes are given much from her mother and what she has witnessed in her family. Myself included. You know the saying "a product of one's own environment?" I think that has some truth and we have to work extra hard to move past such things. I am doing my best! I cannot help the way I feel and the love I have for her. It is real. I know people will often say she is too young, doesnt understand yada yada.... I am the first man to have ever left her. She is used to being in control. I am her first true love. We were going to marry at one point I think. These notions are KEY I think in our current situation, though I do not know to what extent. Perhaps someone else can elaborate what else she may be feeling because of this. The reason I did not entertain the marriage idea as much as she did is because I was not sure she understood what that concept of marriage really was. I thought maybe she was in love with the idea of it more than understood what it actually took. But then again, maybe I did not either. Having never engaged her in such talk though, I may never know. She was definately smarter in relationships than the women my own age I have dated. And that says alot. I doubted her, I wish I didnt. I should have trusted her instincts more. I think love can overcome age with no hassles. I know plenty of happy couples with large age gaps. If we were older, it wouldnt matter. But because she is in her young 20's, people think that makes ALL the difference, when in reality, it is only a part. Please feel free to tell me your opinion on this. I think it also explains her actions to some degree. But not entirely.

 

Singme2sleep....I would like to hear your views on my above statements as well and how that factors in.

 

I hope you get the clarity you are looking for. Hang in there.

 

Lovnlost-

 

I'm flattered that you want my opinion!

 

To me, age is just a number. Its all about personal maturity. If two people are meant to fall in love, it shouldn't matter if they're the same age, 2 years apart or 10 years apart. My older sister is 35 and he husband is 49. They have been happily married for almost 14 years.

 

I myself wouldn't mind dating older, before I met my ex, a psychic once informed me that I might end up with an older man lol. But I have always been told I'm beyond my age. It's just comes down to maturity. If you're asking if she'd be acting different if she was older...not necessarily. You can be 50 and have confused feelings and not be entirely sure of what you want. As far as her dating on the rebound, yeah could be conducive to her age but again not necessarily. What do you know about her past relationships? I think you mentioned it a little before but I don't remember for sure. In the past has she gone right from one relationship to another? And I do think one's childhood factors in as well.

[lovnlost]

Lovnlost-

 

I'm flattered that you want my opinion!

 

To me, age is just a number. Its all about personal maturity. If two people are meant to fall in love, it shouldn't matter if they're the same age, 2 years apart or 10 years apart. My older sister is 35 and he husband is 49. They have been happily married for almost 14 years.

 

I myself wouldn't mind dating older, before I met my ex, a psychic once informed me that I might end up with an older man lol. But I have always been told I'm beyond my age. It's just comes down to maturity. If you're asking if she'd be acting different if she was older...not necessarily. You can be 50 and have confused feelings and not be entirely sure of what you want. As far as her dating on the rebound, yeah could be conducive to her age but again not necessarily. What do you know about her past relationships? I think you mentioned it a little before but I don't remember for sure. In the past has she gone right from one relationship to another? And I do think one's childhood factors in as well.

 

her ex before me treated her coldly. Was not there for her and called her ridiculous when her feelings were hurt and cried. He wasnt there for her like I was. Prior to that it was in and out of relationships, all of which she ended. Same with her ex. I was her first concrete relationship in terms of maturity and strength. And yes, I think what one witnesses or experiences as a child plays a part. I always thought age didnt matter either.

 

I hope you are correct and she can forgive me. She told me she did right after we broke up and that I was being selfless in that I could not give her 100% at that time. So, I am hoping that she finds that again within herself. But with her influences around her, I do not. She is a person that feels deeply and trust is a big deal to her. Her ex before me used to get pics of other girls sent to her phone and the like and she was certain he was cheating. But doesnt know for sure. Another guy had cheated on her. This manifested with insecurity and fear within our relationship from the beginning. It was difficult to overcome, and affected the both of us throughout our relationship until last summer. Then we kind of got over it. I dont fault her for it. She said she always knew that I would never do that to her. But can she forgive me enough to come back after time....that is anybody's guess. I like to think so. Sometimes I worry that so much time will have elapsed that I fade from her mind or she wont want to see me again. Or, that I have healed so much that I wont want her in the same manner. Which could be good, because from then we can truly start from scratch. Have to play out this stupid time frame though and in the meantime keep healing and moving forward. When all I want to know is how she is doing. Though I do not ask anyone or see. I almost unblocked her from FB the other day then I thought why would I do that? So I could see her profile pic of her and her rebound again? Or even more. We are not fb friends anymore anyway so I wouldnt get to see profile updates at all anyway. Either way I am stuck with my decision and hope that by her not seeing what I am doing in my life as well will have an effect. I was thinking at about the 3 month mark I would send her an email or a text that said I hope you are doing well these days and are happy. But I do not know if that is necessary. I do not know how long she will be proceeding with this. When she attaches herself physically to someone she becomes just that, attached. But if this guy isnt treating her right, perhaps she will, coupled with thoughts of me will help her to reconsider her actions more drastically. Wishful thinking, I know. But it is all I have.

 

I wont regret my behavior post breakup though I often wonder if I did it right. I think it pushed her away more because she began feeling anger with the hurt. Yeah....she was being real cold to me at the end. And I do not know how those unresolved issues will play out in the future.

Edited March 9, 2013 by lovnlost

[lovnlost]

lovnlost, I 've been trying to think where your ex may be coming from. With regard to her age, I think that could play a part. When I was 23, I had a very serious long-term boyfriend. While I loved him, he was my first real relationship and I wondered what else was out there. I think because of this, I treated him very poorly near the end and resented that he was keeping me from having a fun, single life. I had no idea what a great guy he was, and how hard it was to find someone like him. My mom always used to tell me that, but I felt like I needed to experience other guys myself. However, it didn't take too long until I missed him like crazy and wanted him back. I don't remember the exact timeframe, but it was probably within a few months. Our breakup was mutual, though (but based on my poor treatment of him), and he didn't want me back. He wouldn't even talk to me. It has taken me almost fifteen years to find that kind of connection again, and really feel loved like that again, and that was with my most recent ex. If only I could have told my 23-year old self what I know now.

 

So that might be part of what is going on with your ex. This guy she is seeing now does not sound serious at all, definitely a rebound. Do you think that the "adultness" of your relationship may have scared her, and maybe the fact that she would maybe become a stepmom to your daughter? You said that you used her lack of warming up to your daughter as a reason for the breakup...I know personally I was always very hurt when my ex would criticize my less than great relationship with his kids. Did you point this concern out to her a lot, in a way that she could have felt she was being criticized for not being good with your daughter? Did she ever tell you how she felt about the relationship?

 

Also, she may just feel that she can't trust you not to change your mind about her again. I know I took my ex back (yes, twice) but I always worried that I was making a mistake and that he would do it again. And I was right. Maybe she doesn't want to put herself through that anxiety. And someone else came along to take her mind off of you for now.

 

And lastly, did you say in an earlier post that you will be deployed soon? Forgive me if I am confusing you with someone else. But if so, do you think that could play a role?

 

Just some thoughts...I am much older than a 23 y.o., but in some ways I don't think women change all that much...

 

I never thought about the adultness of our relationship much. I knew I treated her great thought. I know it was on a level that she never experienced before. That could either be scary or endearing. It was endearing at first I know because she wanted to have children with me and marry me. But now, her hurt could be to much....hence her not wanting to try again and lashing out as Singme2sleep suggested. I do know the step daughter feature was worrisome to her. I dont think she knew how to process that fully. But I never engaged her in conversation enough about it. I would hate to find out that she she didnt want to be a mom to my daughter post break up and decides to act like one for this guys 4 year old daughter.

 

From my perspective I think that would be her forcing herself to see that she can do it rather than letting it happen on its own. I dont rightfully know how she is going to approach it. I did not point it out to her often at all. I was always calm and patient with her as I respected her wishes to give her ample room and time. I was very I thought, but perhaps not inviting enough in discussion or actions. I should have engaged her more on the topic as time passed. She did not tell me much about how she felt on this relationship no. But like I said, I didnt press it too hard.

 

The worst part is my daughter misses her. I got very angry with my ex a month before we broke up because my daughter crawled into bed with us one night. She got mad at this and didnt know what to think. It wasnt good. In the morning before she left I told her that her actions were shocking to me and drew a line between us. It happened a second time a couple of weeks later. I do not get alot of affection from my daughter, she gives that to her mother mostly so this move from my kiddo I thought was awesome. She mentioned that adults shouldnt let their kids do that as it forms a bad habit. She was treated much more sternly by her mom. But she knew of my affection issues with my kid and still wasnt getting the picture. In hindsight I realize how much of a compliment my daughter was paying her in that climbing into bed with us both was a showing of trust for her and me. But I could never convey that to her as I have realized this only recently.

 

I did not know my daughter would miss her so much. Prior to this she accepted that my daughter was always going to be there, but never really referred to her in our future, which left me hesitant at times to push the issue. I was scared that she would accept our children more than my first daughter. People have told me that I should do better and she wasnt there enough for my kiddo. Which in some ways I agree. However, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt and knew she would come around eventually. I would still like to see where it leads as she has so much potential to be a wonderful mother. Very nurturing and caring. She has such a genuine expression of love on her face when she holds a baby, it makes me fall in love with her more.

 

"Also, she may just feel that she can't trust you not to change your mind about her again."

 

This idea scares me, though I do not know. For the time being, it certainly seems so.

 

" And someone else came along to take her mind off of you for now."

 

This is precisely what is occurring now I believe. And it stinks!

 

My deployment.....When I was training in the army 4 years ago, I felt abandoned by my child's mother very much. I only received 4 letters in 8 months and she didnt make much of an attempt to call or make contact with me. It was heartbreaking as these people all around me were getting calls, texts, and mail daily. So I felt abandoned. I told her once that I thought we should separate should I deploy because it would save us both a tremendous amount of hurt while away. And the fact that she needed to be near me physically all the time was a concern for me and that she might apply those feelings of loss while I am away to someone else. Co dependency issues ya know. We all have that to a degree.

 

I addressed this in my letter to her telling her how I now realized my mistake and my fears regarding it. That I feared she would abandon me the same and it was hard to come to terms with. Then I expressed how important it would be to have someone as valuable as her keeping me going and showing me love while away. That I did trust her and would rely on that and not deviate from it. But that train has come and gone now and I have know idea how she felt about it. She never addressed my letter to her in anyway. So that is and will be a mystery to me. Forever if she never comes back.

 

I did her wrong here, and hate that I did so. She questioned why were together a couple times if this is what would take place. I told her that my deploying at the time was unlikely at the time so it was nothing to worry about. But I know it stressed her some. I wish I could take this back. So many mistakes I wish I can undo....that I am still trying to forgive myself for. But, at least I was being honest.

Edited March 9, 2013 by lovnlost

[misswillow]

lovnlost, it can be so hard to look back at things you did in the relationship that you now wish you had done differently, I do it all the time. There are a million things I wish I had done differently, and I wish I could tell him all of them. But I try to remember that the relationships that work are not perfect, and people make mistakes in those as well. And there are many things that my ex said and did that made me angry or question him, but in the end I still loved him and wanted to be with him and that's what mattered, even if he didn't handle everything perfectly all the time. What I'm trying to say is I don't want you to blame yourself for the demise of the relationship because relationships can go through a lot and still work out if both people are willing. It sounds like you were very, very good to her and treated her better than any other man has, and that's what you should focus on. While it can be be good to think of how you may do things differently in the future, so we are always learning and growing, you should not think that something you did ruined it.

 

I think the most likely explanation here is her fear and anger after you broke up with her, coupled with another guy coming along at a convenient time. But she may eventually get over her fear/anger after some time goes by and she realizes she cannot so easily re-create what she had with you.

 

My ex and I also came from broken homes with no father, which is something we shared and felt like it was nice to be with someone who didn't have such a perfect family life, and we could understand that about each other. This is one reason why he is so desperate to be a good father to his kids. But I think it probably plays a role in our ability to be in a relationship...neither one of us grew up witnessing a good relationship, so how are we to know how to really be in one? I think that is actually his problem more than mine, as I had a loving mother and he did not, but I definitely had my issues too in not communicating my feelings, shutting him out, etc. So who knows how her upbringing is affecting her now? Especially if her mom is a bad influence, and still there influencing her.

 

I think you're right to stay off FB. I actually deactivated my profile last time my ex and I broke up, and have not activated it since. I could not bear to go on there and see if the he has deleted the pictures of us. My profile is almost all pictures of us and I don't know what I'll ever do with it. I can't look at the pictures, and I can't delete them, so it may just stay as it is forever. It also makes me sad to go on there and see everyone else's happy lives, although I know most of it is just a facade.

 

One question I have for you...are you absolutely sure you want your ex back or could it be you are just missing her, and just focused on getting her back? I ask this because, like you know, my ex wanted me back twice, but the old issues just seemed to resurface. Of course we didn't really deal with them enough, I see now. I think he decided that he missed me so much that his concerns weren't as important as he thought they were. But once we were back and he didn't have to miss me, and the joy of being back together wore off, those concerns were still there. And we never figured out how to fix them, because he would mostly just keep things bottled up, and then push me away again. I think you are probably more sure that you do want a reconciliation because you have taken longer and put more thought to come to that conclusion, but it is something I wonder a bit (having been down that road myself.

Edited March 9, 2013 by misswillow

[misswillow]

lovnlost, I'm wondering when you think would be a good time to get in touch with my ex? I explained above that I know I will have to do it, if for nothing else than my peace of mind that I got the chance to say what I needed to say. And I think I will do it by letter -- it is how I express myself the best and don't have to worry about breaking down (I am very emotional). You had said that your ex was reaching out for the first week after the breakup, and that pushed you further away. Why was that? Was her silence after that what got you to really thinking?

 

As I've mentioned, in the past my ex has come back in a about a week - it seems like this is how long it takes him to really feel it. But I think maybe he needs a longer period of time to really see how his life feels without me, and get past the initial shocked feeling of the breakup. I had told him before that if he ever did this to me again, I would never give him another chance, so I'm not sure if he would ever even try to talk to me now. In addition to the fact that I told him I wished I never met him.

 

I'm not saying I necessarily want a reconciliation with my ex, but I want to know if he thinks we have anything worth working on, and whether he would be willing to really work on it this time instead of just immediately getting back together and pushing the issues with his children under the rug. That is the only way I would reconsider. I just want him to know that I will do whatever it takes to make things better with them, and explain that my seeming indifference to them at times was just a reaction to what I perceived as them not liking me, and having no idea what to do to change that. I wanted so badly for them to like me, and I didn't know what to do to make that happen.

 

I just feel like I'm living in a limbo until I reach out..and waiting for that answer, and possibly starting back at square one. But I also know that this would be better coming from him, and I want to give it time for that to happen.

 

Oh and I should add, I wrote my ex a letter the first time we broke up (I am starting to sound pathetic here, ugh). He later said it made him cry, and I saw he still had the letter about a year later. Although he didn't necessarily show it all the time, he was a very sentimental guy -- sad movies about love would make him cry. Have you seen the movie "Up?" It made him cry every time. He even cried at The Notebook. I know they say that you shouldn't send letters, especially with all your flowery feelings, but in his case, I think that he appreciates hearing those things. He used to tell me that I was the only person in his whole life that ever really loved him, and how nice it was to finally feel that.

Edited March 9, 2013 by misswillow

[emmalynro]

It's been a week. How is everyone doing? Misswillow, if you write the letter as you're describing I think you have an incredibly high chance of reconciling. It sounds like children were the main issue, and working together on that would be all the difference in the world.

 

I am finally getting comfortable with the idea of him as yet another relationship that didn't work out, like 99% (or even 100%!) of relationships in life, and I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The down days are hard but inevitable. I can't rush the healing process no matter how much I might try.

 

I know this sounds cruel, but I'm strangely comforted that this has been hard on him. When he broke up with me, he rambled about how he'd think of this conversation every day, how he couldn't stop thinking of me, how even looking at me was an hours-long distraction and how much he cared about me---all lies, I thought, the better to assuage his conscience. As hurt as I've been, I've done my best to be happy and act cool at work. Watching him react so dramatically every time he sees me makes me think he really meant what he said.

 

Someone who reacts to stress the way he does isn't suited for a long-term relationship, much less marriage and kids. What he does simply isn't healthy. The only reason why I haven't shrugged my shoulders and written him off completely is because he seems aware that he does this and he feels powerless to change it. Only he can make those changes. Would I want to be at his side while he tries to better himself? I don't know.

 

 

emmalynro: right so today the first time he saw me he stopped, mid-conversation with another person, stared at me, and turned around and kept staring at me as I walked past him---like an owl or something. I dunno if he's going crazy or what

justinc: Probably partly crazy, or delirious... maybe he thinks he's seeing ghosts

emmalynro: maybe he's just mad that I discovered he's an owl

justinc:You've foiled his plan for sure

[misswillow]

Emma, it's great how far you've come in just a week. I wish I could feel as strong as you do. And I'm especially impressed with your attitude given that you have to see him every day.

 

I really don't doubt that he meant what he said to you, although I don't understand why people get rid of the ones they love when they're under a lot of stress, or have the feeling they can't handle a relationship. It is not the way I am at all, I want someone to be there for me, but I guess everyone is different. Which is why relationships are so hard. Sometimes I wonder how any of them ever work out!

 

In any event, I think it's highly likely that our ex will have more to say to you on the subject eventually. Especially since he sees you at work, he is not going to be able to put you out of his mind as he may wish he could. You should think about what you want to come out of it should that occur, so you won't be caught off-guard. When my ex has wanted me back, it's always been in the midst of complete devastation on my part, so I'm so quick to take him back without enough consideration of the issues that led us to the breakup in the first place. And that has been a mistake. You are right to question a future with someone who does this in times of stress (I love how I can be the voice of reason for others, but find it impossible to follow this advice for myself!).

 

As an aside, several years ago I had a FWB situation with a guy at work. But of course I ended up really liking him and realized the situation could not continue. After some on and off, it finally ended without any real discussion, but he did say enough for me to realize he had feelings for me too. Anyway, there were times where I would pass him at work where I could just see him watching and staring at me from the corner of my eye (I would never give him the satisfaction of looking back at him). I never really knew what it meant, but I do believe it was an indication that he wasn't completely immune to me.

[IMG86]

Hi all,

Just wanted to share my break up on this thread. Nearly 3 weeks ago my gf ended things between us after 3 1/2 years! It wasnt an easy decision for her and one that took many months for her to do! I instantly understood her reasons in a rational way, accepted what she was saying and left. She has been needing me to pull my socks up for much of the relationship and become less selfish, coupled with this she is at a crossroad in her life and has decided that I am perhaps not the man for her! I respect her decision but I am finally ready to open up and be the person she has always wanted to be, I have finally had my eyes opened to how I feel about her because the last 3 weeks I have been a completely broken version of myself. I spent the first 12 days contacting and pleading with her that I am ready to step up, she doesn't want me to do that anymore, she doesn't love me and wants to move on! The last 10 days I have not spoken to her and have gone away skiing but I am still in pieces. How can I lose the person that is right for me, who was in total love with me and right at the moment I just want to make her happy. I know she thinks she has done the right thing and has a sense of relief but I was never able to completely give myself up to her...I need her to feel me because I'm not in control of my emotions and this feels so real.

She has been honest with me, talked to me when I needed to talk, not given me false hope and been true to herself. She is an amazing person that I just pushed to far and she is moving on.

I am trying to move on but it feels like I needed this to happen if our relationship was ever going to work, it has enabled me to get over my ego. I have cried everyday and have never cried in my life before. I'm so frustrated that it has taken this much for me to realise. From what I have said does it seem my ex really wants to move on or is she just tired of me hurting her??

 

What can I do??

[emmalynro]

I saw my therapist again today. She thinks he is overcome with shame on top of everything else he feels, and that if we try to reconcile I need to show him he doesn't need to be ashamed and that he has to listen to me. According to her, the stress got to him and he pulled the trigger because it was one thing he could control, and now he's discovering he feels worse instead of better.

 

I also spoke to my best friend, a very serious workaholic who almost broke up with his girlfriend in a similar way. He believes my ex sees me as "the materialization of conflict" in his mind. I represent his personal life, and right now he's given all that up for his work life. My friend thinks he's struggling to compartmentalize. He thinks I should reach out---just a "hey, let's talk when this is over"-type message to reassure him and keep him from flipping out at work. I disagree. I think I need to wait until this is all over.

Edited March 9, 2013 by emmalynro

[lovnlost]

This is like day 4 of waking up more miserable than I wish to be because of my thought process right now. Today is beautiful outside. The sun is out. I am taking my daughter and sister to the lake to work on my boat and play at the play ground. Try and not think on the things that make me feel terrible about my situation. I just want to be over the confusion, hurt, and pain of this right now. I have several other huge projects to concentrate on at the moment and yet my head and heart keep going back to her. Just the nature of the beast I suppose.

 

I encourage you all to do something today that is fun and uplifting. To those that wrote me back here, I will respond in kind tomorrow. Today is a misery free day. Ciao!

[lovnlost]

Need your help......my ex texted me today and asked " the next time.you see my family dont ask my family who I am with its not fair to put them in the middle especially my nieces and nephews. Thanks." I have not done this. I saw her sisters ex bf at the. Skating ring a week ago with his daughter but I never asked the daughter a thing. It was the ex that didalll the talking. Should I say anythjng back?

[singme2sleep]

Need your help......my ex texted me today and asked " the next time.you see my family dont ask my family who I am with its not fair to put them in the middle especially my nieces and nephews. Thanks." I have not done this. I saw her sisters ex bf at the. Skating ring a week ago with his daughter but I never asked the daughter a thing. It was the ex that didalll the talking. Should I say anythjng back?

 

First of all, why does she consider her sister's ex to be family??

 

I wouldn't say anything, if my ex texted that to me. If you say "ok" it means you did it and if you say you didn't it will cause an argument. I would just not reply and leave it be. You did nothing wrong. Maybe she was just looking for a stupid excuse to text you and push your buttons.

[lovnlost]

I agree.....I really dont know why she is accusing me of this. I really said nothing to the daughter other than hello and let our kids play. He is part of the manhaters club by their family as well so.we talked for a few mins..he.told.me so.CRAZY things about their family history as well. Stuff i didnt know. I wont respond because the accusation is false. But that isnt the type of first contact i have been lookjng for lol.