Is this really and truly the end?

[singme2sleep]

Lovnlost-

 

I know what you mean. Guess I'm just having a bad day, went to the mall and I was fine until I saw a couple holding hands and thought "that used to be us" sigh. Wonder if he ever has those moments?!

 

What kills me the most is the 'what might have been' like all the things we never got to do. And his Birthday is this month, there was a time when I assumed I'd be celebrating with him, even knew what I was going to get him...

 

You're the insightful one, any words of wisdom?

[misswillow]

Need your help......my ex texted me today and asked " the next time.you see my family dont ask my family who I am with its not fair to put them in the middle especially my nieces and nephews. Thanks." I have not done this. I saw her sisters ex bf at the. Skating ring a week ago with his daughter but I never asked the daughter a thing. It was the ex that didalll the talking. Should I say anythjng back?

 

I would probably be tempted to say something, but it's probably best to just let it go and not say anything. If I were to say something, it would probably be "I'm not sure where you got your information, but that never happened." And then leave it at that even if she says more.

 

Is her sister's ex bf's daughter also the sister's daughter (which would make the daughter your ex's niece)? Just wondering why she would even be thinking this happened.

[misswillow]

Lovnlost-

 

I know what you mean. Guess I'm just having a bad day, went to the mall and I was fine until I saw a couple holding hands and thought "that used to be us" sigh. Wonder if he ever has those moments?!

 

What kills me the most is the 'what might have been' like all the things we never got to do. And his Birthday is this month, there was a time when I assumed I'd be celebrating with him, even knew what I was going to get him...

 

You're the insightful one, any words of wisdom?

 

Seeing couples holding hands always makes me sad. I feel like I see them everywhere these days.

[singme2sleep]

misswillow-

 

This is totally my heart talking and not my head, but sometimes when I'm out in public I expect him just to come running up to me and take me in his arms like nothing has changed.

 

emma- I'm feeling like you did the other day sad/angry! This is what is say to him right now if I could:

 

I'm starting to think that you never really loved me, because if you did then you wouldn't have been able to just walk away. It seemed like no big deal, you just threw our relationship in the trash as if it meant NOTHING to you...even though it meant EVERYTHING to me! I guess you were full of it when you said you'd never leave me and that we'd someday get married. Calling me your "Mrs" all the time was pointless and it's interesting how you can apparently go on with your life like I don't exist.

 

I opened up with you and you knew how hard that was for me. You knew I was in a fragile place, you even promised my best friend that you wouldn't hurt me. More lies!!! I cry myself to sleep every night when I think about how you used to hold me and then tell me I looked pretty in the morning with messy hair. I gave you all of me and never asked for anything in return but your love. I believed you saying all those sweet things, I believed like a fool.

 

Well I hope you throughly enjoy being alone and one day when you are ready for a relationship again, you won't find another woman who will be as good to you as I was! You had a great thing and you blew it!!

 

 

***And that's the PG version lol***

[emmalynro]

lovnlost: I would either not reply or (politely) say she's mistaken and leave it be. As tempting as it might be, you shouldn't try to track down the source of the misinformation; that will just drive you crazy. Is there any way you can try to limit your interaction with her family to avoid this sort of misunderstanding in the future?

 

I would appreciate your insight on the poor fellow in my life who can't seem to see me without going nuts. I'm wondering what a wise man like yourself might think!

[emmalynro]

SM2S: Rage! Rage all you want! Rage irrationally and terribly and get it all out!

 

Today I mostly feel sad. I'm afraid he'll never want to speak to me again. In retrospect, it's obvious that he has some significant emotional issues---his inability to reach out, his desire to blow things to smithereens and move on rather than work on it, his obsessive need to work himself dead---and he needs to deal with those himself. But does he have to be alone in the process? It's no good to associate your personal healing with another person, but I wonder if he'd benefit in any way from my support.

 

Part of me wants to shrug my shoulders and let it go already. Part of me wants to help model a truly healthy relationship for him, because if he wants things to get better (and I know he does), he has to try.

 

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm kind of glad that we work together. I only agreed to date him in the first place after I found out he would be leaving the office. Sadly, he was given a three-month and then a two-week extension, so that didn't really work out as planned. But as painful as it's been, it's also been immensely helpful in clarifying my feelings. Seeing his own visceral reactions to me has taught me that he really does care, and deeply, and that he wasn't lying about how strongly he felt. I still don't know what conclusion to draw from that, but it's been something to think about.

 

This is a marked departure from the entry in yesterday's feelings journal, which simply reads "You're a dumbass."

[singme2sleep]

In retrospect, it's obvious that he has some significant emotional issues---his inability to reach out, his desire to blow things to smithereens and move on rather than work on it, his obsessive need to work himself dead---and he needs to deal with those himself. But does he have to be alone in the process?

 

This is exactly how I feel with my ex! Wouldn't he rather have me there to support him and help push him to keep going?! Like I said in another post, I don't understand somebody who gets rid of the one positive aspect in his life. Smh

[lovnlost]

Lovnlost-

 

I know what you mean. Guess I'm just having a bad day, went to the mall and I was fine until I saw a couple holding hands and thought "that used to be us" sigh. Wonder if he ever has those moments?!

 

What kills me the most is the 'what might have been' like all the things we never got to do. And his Birthday is this month, there was a time when I assumed I'd be celebrating with him, even knew what I was going to get him...

 

You're the insightful one, any words of wisdom?

 

I struggle everytime I see couples interacting because I know how good we were together in public. No I turn away from these people. I too think of what might of been because i am a dreamer and love the way we loved each other.

 

My bday is this month and I wonder if I will hear from her. But i doubt it.

 

Not feeling like I got much wisdom for you today with my setback. Know that I am sure he feels this way once and a while. It is so hard to remove intimacy like this, even the trivial stuff. And this is coming from the oringinal dumper. This is one of those things that I think time will heal and when we see it we have to forcibally remove it from our mind. Be strong! Do whats best for you.

[emmalynro]

This is exactly how I feel with my ex! Wouldn't he rather have me there to support him and help push him to keep going?! Like I said in another post, I don't understand somebody who gets rid of the one positive aspect in his life. Smh

 

Honestly? I do sort of understand. He has a serious self-destructive tendency and an inability to separate himself from work. Why should he put me through agony when he can't make me a priority? How can he handle having me in his life when he can't even handle himself? These are good questions and I don't know if there are easy answers; it seems like very legitimate reasons to end a relationship. But life isn't a vacuum and we can't always shut ourselves out. I have made a lot of emotional progress while in relationships with others. Whether he can or even wants to is for him to decide.

[lovnlost]

I would probably be tempted to say something, but it's probably best to just let it go and not say anything. If I were to say something, it would probably be "I'm not sure where you got your information, but that never happened." And then leave it at that even if she says more.

 

Is her sister's ex bf's daughter also the sister's daughter (which would make the daughter your ex's niece)? Just wondering why she would even be thinking this happened.

 

 

 

Her sisters ex bf was there with his kid. I imagine their daughter was trying to communicate this to the mom and she opened her mouth. Or the sisters ex said something to the mom and she opened her.mouth.Either way they both got it wrong. I would NEVER do this to a kid. Ever. My daughters mom did it to me when I began dating someone else. She pressed our daughter for information. Either way I believe my current ex is using it as a position of control or something wierd. She has to know I would not.stoop this low. She knows deep down who i am.i have known who she was with for some time now. Im not a fool. But she doesnt know that I know. And I wonder what she would think of my opinion if she truly did.

 

I did not answer this false acusation. I have had suggested to me that she is feeling hurt still and trying to remain in control, or thats she is just fishing for a reaction, or trying to take a jab at me still. Not sure which it is. What do you all think? If it were you in her shoes wouldnt it matter? Why would you say this. I took it as a litteral warning.....but I think their is an alternative motive of some kind. I am not going to address it or say a word though. Makes me wonder if she is really waiting for a reply and what she will say or think when I dont. Pisses me off to think that her family is thinking ill or talking crap about me over this. Im not going to suffer some form of rejection by saying anything and giving her control. This is a no win scenario for me.

[lovnlost]

lovnlost: I would either not reply or (politely) say she's mistaken and leave it be. As tempting as it might be, you shouldn't try to track down the source of the misinformation; that will just drive you crazy. Is there any way you can try to limit your interaction with her family to avoid this sort of misunderstanding in the future?

 

I would appreciate your insight on the poor fellow in my life who can't seem to see me without going nuts. I'm wondering what a wise man like yourself might think!

 

Will tell you more later about your situation., but I wont chase this info down. Its not worth it. As far as limiting my contact? I blocked her on fb, unfreinded all her family and friends. Last week her sister messaged me, saw the sisters ex and daughter at the skating ring and told him the limited version of how I broke up with her, most of which he knew, and he did all the talking about their family dybamics. And then I saw her friend the next day at church who made it a point to come up and say hello to me. So, ya....i have limited my contact as best I can. THEY keep coming to ME. I hardly say a word. Doing what I can to be an observer in all this and I feel like i keep being dragged back in unwillingly.

[singme2sleep]

Lovnlost-

 

I'm sorry you're struggling too. I'm praying for all of us and I have to say I'm grateful for this site and consider you and the others my "forum friends", please know that all the advice is much appreciated. When is your bday? March is a hard month because my grandfather's is the 19th (he died in 2011) and my ex's is the 31st which happens to be Easter!

 

Emma-

 

Yeah I understand it also on some level, but it still sucks when you had the feeling the relationship was meant to be. Again I blame romantic comedies lol

[lovnlost]

This is exactly how I feel with my ex! Wouldn't he rather have me there to support him and help push him to keep going?! Like I said in another post, I don't understand somebody who gets rid of the one positive aspect in his life. Smh

 

I did this with my ex.....dont hate:) lol. But im trying the right way. I wont ever do this again! I will fight till the end!!! I feel terrible for it.

[singme2sleep]

I did this with my ex.....dont hate:) lol. But im trying the right way. I wont ever do this again! I will fight till the end!!! I feel terrible for it.

 

That's why I take your opinions and advice to heart because your breakup is kind of the mirror image of mine lol. But at least you realized your mistake, my ex just might be too stupid to "see the light"!

[lovnlost]

That's why I take your opinions and advice to heart because your breakup is kind of the mirror image of mine lol. But at least you realized your mistake, my ex just might be too stupid to "see the light"!

 

I feel that realizing my mistake doesnt mean a thing if she doesnt get what Ive offered her.

 

See above questions and let me know what you think.

m trying to understand this incident im detail. What would you all be thinking im her shoe i need to know her perspective?

[emmalynro]

It sounds like when the miscommunication reached her, she assumed it was you making trouble rather than one of the kids misstating something. She's apparently willing to believe you would cause that kind of drama.

 

Have you already told her directly that you want to reconcile and all? If so, there's no sense in pursuing this further. While she doesn't seem like a grade-A decision maker you can't stop someone else from moving on.

[misswillow]

lovnlost, I agree with Emma that she may have thought that you did say something, because of some miscommunication. You say that she knows you and that you wouldn't do something like that, however, I think that the place she has forced her head to be in right now is to think of you in a more negative way. This is how she justifies not reconciling with you. I'm sure part of her reasons for not reconciling are fear that you will change your mind about her again, but I also think she needs to highlight some negative qualities to convince herself she is making the right decision. Similar to how at the moment, although I desperately want my ex back, I am trying to focus on some of the negatives of our relationship to convince myself that we really should not be together. It's the way we try to move on.

[misswillow]

The question we all seem to be struggling with is how does a person push the one they love away in times of great stress instead of wanting that person there for support? Is is that they view us as just another source of stress in their lives, and the only one they can control? Or are these people really thinking of us and believing that it would be more hurtful to us for them to stay in the relationship when they are in such a bad place.

 

For me, I think that having someone there for you in your bad times is one of the best things about a relationship. Is is that maybe men feel differently? Do they feel a responsibility to keep us happy to a degree, and feel that they cannot do that when there are so many other things they have to focus on and are not feeling good about.

 

It is something I never will understand. I often wonder if it is ever really true,or if there is another reason for the breakup that they just don't want to tell us, so this is a convenient excuse without having to say it is something about us. Or in these times of great stress, do they just see everything in their lives in a negative light, including the relationship. Maybe people who are more emotionally strong don't do this.

 

I guess lovnlost is an example of a man who really has done this, so I guess it can be true. But lovnlost, did you feel like there were other reasons you were ending the relationship, other than the pressure you were under at the time? Did all the pressure magnify the negatives you felt about the relationship? Because I feel like even if the reason you decided to end it was what was going on in your life, you also really needed to convince yourself that this wasn't the woman for you. Am I making any sense?

[singme2sleep]

Lovnlost-

 

I agree with Emma & misswillow, she may afraid that you will leave again so she's looking for stupid excuses to keep herself at a distance. If I was in her shoes completely well for one thing I would have asked you directly what was said, I stead of relying on the "telephone game". But I also think if she didn't care at all she wouldn't have texted you.

[emmalynro]

I have evidence now that some people really do care so much that they'll panic and end things. While it probably is an excuse much of the time, it isn't always, and I've seen that firsthand. (Whatever comfort I get from knowing he cares about me dissipates when I see how much he's suffering. I'm out of the revenge stage now; I don't feel better knowing I'm a source of pain for him.)

 

I deserve someone who doesn't shut me out when things are hard. I deserve a boyfriend, not a ghost. I deserve someone who will let me into his life and stay by my side and love me. Knowing all this makes it easier to accept that we're over.

 

Emotionally mature people don't break things off when things are tough. The more I think about it, the more I realize there's no such thing as a "circumstantial breakup". LIFE is about circumstances, and if you can't handle being with someone when the going gets tough, then why be in a relationship at all?

[singme2sleep]

The question we all seem to be struggling with is how does a person push the one they love away in times of great stress instead of wanting that person there for support? Is is that they view us as just another source of stress in their lives, and the only one they can control? Or are these people really thinking of us and believing that it would be more hurtful to us for them to stay in the relationship when they are in such a bad place.

 

For me, I think that having someone there for you in your bad times is one of the best things about a relationship. Is is that maybe men feel differently? Do they feel a responsibility to keep us happy to a degree, and feel that they cannot do that when there are so many other things they have to focus on and are not feeling good about.

 

It is something I never will understand. I often wonder if it is ever really true,or if there is another reason for the breakup that they just don't want to tell us, so this is a convenient excuse without having to say it is something about us. Or in these times of great stress, do they just see everything in their lives in a negative light, including the relationship. Maybe people who are more emotionally strong don't do this.

 

I guess lovnlost is an example of a man who really has done this, so I guess it can be true. But lovnlost, did you feel like there were other reasons you were ending the relationship, other than the pressure you were under at the time? Did all the pressure magnify the negatives you felt about the relationship? Because I feel like even if the reason you decided to end it was what was going on in your life, you also really needed to convince yourself that this wasn't the woman for you. Am I making any sense?

 

Idk I see both sides of the coin. When my ex first broke things off I couldn't understand why he'd rather push me away and deal with everything alone. But the more I thought about it, I tried to put myself in his shoes. It just sucks because I think my relationship would have thrived without the world interfering. However that isn't life and things do get in the way. For me I think I have to stop hoping and just except that he's gone from my life...and he wants to be. It hurts like hell but if I don't believe that he is never coming back, I will just be in pain longer. I can't say what will happen with all your relationships, though I need to let my head win over my heart. Sigh!

[lovnlost]

It sounds like when the miscommunication reached her, she assumed it was you making trouble rather than one of the kids misstating something. She's apparently willing to believe you would cause that kind of drama.

 

Have you already told her directly that you want to reconcile and all? If so, there's no sense in pursuing this further. While she doesn't seem like a grade-A decision maker you can't stop someone else from moving on.

 

 

I have told her I wanted to reconcile yes. That is when all these crazy actions began. And your right....I cannot stop her decision making in how she is moving on. I expect she is hating me now in many ways for having left her. She holds grudges I think and does not seem to want to get over things in a healthy way. Her support system ie family, support her actions in the wrong manner. Rebounding is not healthy at all and attempting to hurt someone or get over another in such a way is wrong. The emotional example laid out for her by those closest to her have limited her in how to properly handle such things. It is up to her, inside to move on how she wills. However, her path is going to cause more pain in the long run. I want to save her from this, though I cannot.

[lovnlost]

lovnlost, I agree with Emma that she may have thought that you did say something, because of some miscommunication. You say that she knows you and that you wouldn't do something like that, however, I think that the place she has forced her head to be in right now is to think of you in a more negative way. This is how she justifies not reconciling with you. I'm sure part of her reasons for not reconciling are fear that you will change your mind about her again, but I also think she needs to highlight some negative qualities to convince herself she is making the right decision. Similar to how at the moment, although I desperately want my ex back, I am trying to focus on some of the negatives of our relationship to convince myself that we really should not be together. It's the way we try to move on.

 

 

She is highlighting negatives about us to justify her current actions and not reconciling with me. I have heard as much from someone close to her. Though I cannot be there to dispel any of it which stinks. You are correct, though I wish it wasnt so. Does a girl in her position ever begin to forgive and move past that pain? Like I have said, I do not understand the thought process behind someone rebounding like this and putting the one they loved in a fully negative light with all we have experienced and gone through together. Even after we broke up I was still kind and patient never giving her any negative emotion. I tried to give her hope and praise. I even told her the first moment I fell in love with her and that I have never had more fun with anyone else in my life. Words now that dont seem to matter one bit to her and I have no way of knowing if they ever will.....for anything I said over our relationship now.

 

Do you think she is expecting a reaction from me about this? And if I do not respond, what do you think her thought process would be about it. It was a closed text in that she did not ask any questions. She has still never said goodbye, or get out of my life for good, or dont ever bother me again or anything like this. Like she thought simply pushing me away would be sufficient...and in a way it is because she is with someone new and I will not take away from that for her, because I love her and HAVE to respect her decisions no matter how foolish I think they are.

[emmalynro]

I have told her I wanted to reconcile yes. That is when all these crazy actions began. And your right....I cannot stop her decision making in how she is moving on. I expect she is hating me now in many ways for having left her. She holds grudges I think and does not seem to want to get over things in a healthy way. Her support system ie family, support her actions in the wrong manner. Rebounding is not healthy at all and attempting to hurt someone or get over another in such a way is wrong. The emotional example laid out for her by those closest to her have limited her in how to properly handle such things. It is up to her, inside to move on how she wills. However, her path is going to cause more pain in the long run. I want to save her from this, though I cannot.

 

I don't agree. Rebounding can be a great idea, if only to get back in the game and get your mind off of things. Nobody says a rebound has to last the rest of your life, but you can go on a couple dates with someone and remind yourself of all the possibilities out there. While I prefer to heal by taking time for myself, there are others who find healing in new people, and that's their prerogative. How healthy it is depends on how they handle it.

 

I also think it's problematic to imply that you're the only person in her circle who knows the "right" course of actions. True, she's young and is probably going to make bad decisions now and again, but if I were in her shoes I would resent somebody thinking he knows what's best for me better than I do. I would also be very insulted to hear that you think my family is "supporting me in the wrong manner". That's a tad paternalistic.

 

The bottom line is you can't save anyone, especially someone who's told you in no uncertain terms she doesn't want to be saved. You've said your piece and she's responded in turn. Be glad that you've gotten closure out of it (more than I can say...).

[lovnlost]

I don't agree. Rebounding can be a great idea, if only to get back in the game and get your mind off of things. Nobody says a rebound has to last the rest of your life, but you can go on a couple dates with someone and remind yourself of all the possibilities out there. While I prefer to heal by taking time for myself, there are others who find healing in new people, and that's their prerogative. How healthy it is depends on how they handle it.

 

I also think it's problematic to imply that you're the only person in her circle who knows the "right" course of actions. True, she's young and is probably going to make bad decisions now and again, but if I were in her shoes I would resent somebody thinking he knows what's best for me better than I do. I would also be very insulted to hear that you think my family is "supporting me in the wrong manner". That's a tad paternalistic.

 

The bottom line is you can't save anyone, especially someone who's told you in no uncertain terms she doesn't want to be saved. You've said your piece and she's responded in turn. Be glad that you've gotten closure out of it (more than I can say...).

 

I guess rebouding to others can be a way yes. I have heard others say that as well...But I think most would agree that in the long run, all one has done is compartmentalize their feelings and never really learn to deal with the hurt properly and can leave someone in limbo going from one relationship to another without ever really exploring or knowing how to cope or deal with hurt or emotions in a healthy way.

 

I do not believe that MY way is the only way. I have not told her how to feel or express herself. There are others in her family that do not agree with her decisions either and only one has stepped forward. But she has dealt with that person by brushing her off and pushing aside as well. I have not been negative to her nor offer advice on how to deal with what is happening. I have not expressed negative feelings in any way ever about her family. She has expressed to me many times how she is terribly frustrated with how her immediate family copes and deals with emotions especially in relationships. She was aware of the negative outcomes of their actions.Though knowing that we are often influenced often by those closest to us as we grow up does have a dramatic affect in how we handle situations in life. I would never tell her that her family is supporting her wrong either. Never have. But your correct, perhaps I am coming off paternalistic....it is also because I am hurt and feeling onesided. Hence why we are all here to a degree.

 

I am of the opinion that the hardest choices we make in life are often our wisest or best. I wrestle with this in why I even broke up with her. It was terribly difficult to do. And even harder to admit that I was wrong. She actually did tell me once that she needs to do what is best for her. At this time she was still entertaining wanting to meet me for talk of reconciling and then she also lied to me about seeing some else and was contradicting about her statements to me. So ya, I believe she is doing what she think is best for her.

 

I will try and take your advice and step back from this line of thinking for her part. I can see that it can be limiting and not one of love or forgiveness for her and all involved.