lovnlost Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 Misswillow- "I guess lovnlost is an example of a man who really has done this, so I guess it can be true. But lovnlost, did you feel like there were other reasons you were ending the relationship, other than the pressure you were under at the time? Did all the pressure magnify the negatives you felt about the relationship? Because I feel like even if the reason you decided to end it was what was going on in your life, you also really needed to convince yourself that this wasn't the woman for you. Am I making any sense" Yes I felt that all of my pressures magnified her negatives to me. And because she kept pressing when I wanted space and patience to get through it all. There were other reasons as well. I keep this list and try and remind myself of it, but I dont do a good job of that. I concentrate on the good more and what I miss about them. I would be moving forward better if I thought about these reasons more often. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emmalynro Posted March 10, 2013 Author Share Posted March 10, 2013 I didn't mean any offense, of course, but I remember being a 23-year-old girl three years ago and breaking up with someone who thought he knew what was "best for me". I was enraged! Who the hell did he think he was?! Ahhh, memories... Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 11, 2013 Share Posted March 11, 2013 I didn't mean any offense, of course, but I remember being a 23-year-old girl three years ago and breaking up with someone who thought he knew what was "best for me". I was enraged! Who the hell did he think he was?! Ahhh, memories... I understand what you were saying....and I didn't take any offense to it. I appreciate the input. I try very hard to keep my anger and arrogance at bay. However the last few days I have felt angry, especially getting that unfounded text from her yesterday. So, it comes out at times. It is good to remember to stay in check and look at the scenario from all angles. That is why I am here and others, to gain knowledge through other peoples experiences. So don't worry about it. How are you going to handle the details of your situation this week at work? Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 11, 2013 Share Posted March 11, 2013 MissWillow- I think you writing a letter to your ex would be a great idea. You may want to give it a bit more time until you are able to let some of the emotions over everything to subside. We tend to think more clearly when a bit more time and pain have subsided so that we can adequately express ourselves in the proper manner. I think this would be great for closure for you and even him. He must understand that he cannot string you along in this manner and that you are not going to wait for him to figure things out. Sometimes, there is no right time or wrong time, just the right person. And I am not so sure that he as figured that out at all. Hope this helps some. I wish you the best and hope the letter comes out well. Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 11, 2013 Share Posted March 11, 2013 My ex said something to me a month in half ago on the phone when we were discussing reconciling. She said "I love you but I am not in love with you." But in a very snide way. Then she followed with not wanting to be a mother to a child, not just mine. I respected that. I know now that the rebound she is with has a 4 year old daughter as well. In looking into marriage forums recently, I found the " I love you but not in love with you" to mean most of the time that they are seeing someone else. I asked her thereafter if she was seeing someone and she lied and said no. She has never hidden or lied to me before. So now I see it as a shock. She was seeing someone else. I believe I have mentioned this before, but to see it first hand from married couple on forums as a definite affair status, it is alarming. I wish I would have realized it more then. I was suspicious though. I trusted her though and never thought she would lie to me before. I was wrong. Its kind of a bummer to realize this fully now. Nothing I can do about it now, but chalk it up to her actions and how they are very much not leading to me wanting her back if this is how she behaves when the going got tough and she didnt want to deal. To be fair, I initiated this all by BU with her first and her being single to pursue whatever she wanted. Its just kind of a slap in the face! I want to be over all this crap now and move on. She isnt coming back anytime soon and forgiveness for both of us will be key if we do ever move forward together. Link to post Share on other sites
Coping Vortex Posted March 11, 2013 Share Posted March 11, 2013 My ex said something to me a month in half ago on the phone when we were discussing reconciling. She said "I love you but I am not in love with you." But in a very snide way. Then she followed with not wanting to be a mother to a child, not just mine. I respected that. I know now that the rebound she is with has a 4 year old daughter as well. In looking into marriage forums recently, I found the " I love you but not in love with you" to mean most of the time that they are seeing someone else. I asked her thereafter if she was seeing someone and she lied and said no. She has never hidden or lied to me before. So now I see it as a shock. She was seeing someone else. I believe I have mentioned this before, but to see it first hand from married couple on forums as a definite affair status, it is alarming. I wish I would have realized it more then. I was suspicious though. I trusted her though and never thought she would lie to me before. I was wrong. Its kind of a bummer to realize this fully now. Nothing I can do about it now, but chalk it up to her actions and how they are very much not leading to me wanting her back if this is how she behaves when the going got tough and she didnt want to deal. To be fair, I initiated this all by BU with her first and her being single to pursue whatever she wanted. Its just kind of a slap in the face! I want to be over all this crap now and move on. She isnt coming back anytime soon and forgiveness for both of us will be key if we do ever move forward together. Wow I heard the same line from my ex. "I'm not in love with you I'm in love with the memory of you" she too is seeing someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emmalynro Posted March 11, 2013 Author Share Posted March 11, 2013 I was sitting and thinking about it, and I came up with the following situations where you could truthfully say "I love you but I'm not in love with you": 1) To a dog 2) To a relative 3) To an oatmeal raisin cookie, explaining why you're eating the chocolate chip cookie instead That's all I got, though. Everything else is some grade-A BS. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sprice Posted March 11, 2013 Share Posted March 11, 2013 My Ex and i were dating for exactly 1.5 years (Long distance) before he broke things off with me. And it has been 3 and a half weeks since we last spoke, and things are still incredibly hard. He has always been lost and confused about his life. His mother never really taught him how to be confident, instead, she broke him down. He has no idea who he is or what he wants to be. For the last 2 weeks of our relationship were incredibly hard. i fought with him for no reason ALL the time and things got really tough. Then i went to visit him, and at the airport he broke up with me. He was crying and telling me he WANTS to be with me. But CANT. he wants to explore. Apparently the relationship was making him stressed and he couldn't take it anymore. I begged for a second chance. BEGGED, but he kept on saying no. Nothing i did or said would bring him back. I know he is out partying a lot which hurts a ton. And what hurts a lot too is that we share a best friend. So i know she knows everything that is going on with him, and i want to know so badly what he is doing but im always disappointed. He has asked her a couple times if i have been with anyone else since him, because he needs to know "for him self" and he also told her that he misses me like crazy. I must admit that towards the end our relationship was INCREDIBLY tough. and our relationship always had its ups and downs. But i am hopelessly in love with this guy. And i want to wait for him, but do i wait for something that may or may not happen? The next time i will see him in person is May back home. And i am so scared that he wont want me anymore. I feel so alone. I dont wake up with "good morning" texts anymore, and i dont have my best friend. The ONE person that meant everything to me is gone... Link to post Share on other sites
Author emmalynro Posted March 11, 2013 Author Share Posted March 11, 2013 I'm going to contact him this Saturday to ask for a talk. (Originally I wanted to call on Wednesday and ask for a weekend meeting, but a friend suggested he might be more receptive if I waited til the weekend itself. She's probably right.) I'm ready to be done with him. He's already on my mind less and less often, although sometimes it takes an effort on my part. But I'm getting ready for my next adventure and I suppose he is too. I just need to hear from him as the rational, thoughtful and reasonable adult I knew---not the rambling lunatic who told me he was a self-destructive failure getting rid of what he loved and who intermittently sobbed about how exhausted he was. Cross your fingers for me, y'all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 My Ex and i were dating for exactly 1.5 years (Long distance) before he broke things off with me. And it has been 3 and a half weeks since we last spoke, and things are still incredibly hard. He has always been lost and confused about his life. His mother never really taught him how to be confident, instead, she broke him down. He has no idea who he is or what he wants to be. For the last 2 weeks of our relationship were incredibly hard. i fought with him for no reason ALL the time and things got really tough. Then i went to visit him, and at the airport he broke up with me. He was crying and telling me he WANTS to be with me. But CANT. he wants to explore. Apparently the relationship was making him stressed and he couldn't take it anymore. I begged for a second chance. BEGGED, but he kept on saying no. Nothing i did or said would bring him back. I know he is out partying a lot which hurts a ton. And what hurts a lot too is that we share a best friend. So i know she knows everything that is going on with him, and i want to know so badly what he is doing but im always disappointed. He has asked her a couple times if i have been with anyone else since him, because he needs to know "for him self" and he also told her that he misses me like crazy. I must admit that towards the end our relationship was INCREDIBLY tough. and our relationship always had its ups and downs. But i am hopelessly in love with this guy. And i want to wait for him, but do i wait for something that may or may not happen? The next time i will see him in person is May back home. And i am so scared that he wont want me anymore. I feel so alone. I dont wake up with "good morning" texts anymore, and i dont have my best friend. The ONE person that meant everything to me is gone... I know how you feel. Come aboard the misery boat! It's so hard when you miss them deeply to the point where you just need to touch them or you'll go crazy. That's where I'm at right now, instead of waking up to sweet good morning texts...I get the depressing realization that he's gone...everyday. There's nothing anybody can say, it just hurts 1 Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Lovnlost- How are you doing? Any new developments? Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I was sitting and thinking about it, and I came up with the following situations where you could truthfully say "I love you but I'm not in love with you": 1) To a dog 2) To a relative 3) To an oatmeal raisin cookie, explaining why you're eating the chocolate chip cookie instead That's all I got, though. Everything else is some grade-A BS. Well said. I like the last bit as I am fond of cookies! Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Lovnlost- How are you doing? Any new developments? Last couple of days have been hard. I started ok taking some much needed advice from a friend in that I should ignore what she told me. And I have in that I will not contact her. But my brain is turning it over. Whoever was talking to her, and I know who, got things turned around, or reworded them to give himself power. Which is common with her sister's ex. He is kind of a puts. I should not have talked to him. In fact, I hardly did. I did tell him who she was dating though and that was about all I offered. He did all the talking while I played ignorant. She knows I know now. And someone suggested to me that she may secretly care about what I think about her still. Don't know, but I wonder how her thought process will change for it. Either way I am ignoring it and see it as some kind of ego trip for her maybe wanting a reaction from me. To me I don't see how even texting me was worth it. I do not know why she thinks she still has some kind of control over what I do or say at this point. She does not. And if she knows that I know who she is with, I am sure that ruffled her feathers some as she would know I would think this is a horrible idea and match. She picked up the first thing that gave her attention the way I see it and used it as a big FU to me with the rest of her actions. This is her mess she has to deal with....not mine. One thing she said that is weird to me. She suggested that it "wasnt fair to put others in the middle." Middle of what? An argument? HER relationship? Something between us? Because unless I am mistaken there is no "us." I do not know what this means exactly. She got it turned around with what she said to me and its a false accusation. It is not worth my response. Besides she isn't tough enough to call me to even say it. Another lame text by her. No backbone just like the way she pushed me away. I am going to ignore it. I do wonder what her thought process will be to my ignoring it though. Wish I didn't, but I do. I am doing ok I suppose. Lots to keep busy with so I am concentrating on that. There are no new developments and I do not expect there to be. At least not anytime soon. She made her choice, now she can deal with the consequences of it and how that all plays out for her. I wish her the best. Because while she is coping with her emotional immaturity I will be moving forward. How about you Singme2sleep? Link to post Share on other sites
Coping Vortex Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I know how you feel. Come aboard the misery boat! It's so hard when you miss them deeply to the point where you just need to touch them or you'll go crazy. That's where I'm at right now, instead of waking up to sweet good morning texts...I get the depressing realization that he's gone...everyday. There's nothing anybody can say, it just hurts The lack of the constant texting was the hardest thing to accept. We texted hundreds of times a day. Most about how much we loved each other. I so miss that. I can't even look at my phone now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Coping- me too! Sometimes I stare at my phone still expecting a text... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
misswillow Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I'm going to contact him this Saturday to ask for a talk. (Originally I wanted to call on Wednesday and ask for a weekend meeting, but a friend suggested he might be more receptive if I waited til the weekend itself. She's probably right.) I'm ready to be done with him. He's already on my mind less and less often, although sometimes it takes an effort on my part. But I'm getting ready for my next adventure and I suppose he is too. I just need to hear from him as the rational, thoughtful and reasonable adult I knew---not the rambling lunatic who told me he was a self-destructive failure getting rid of what he loved and who intermittently sobbed about how exhausted he was. Cross your fingers for me, y'all. Good luck, emma, let us know how it goes. Are you going to ask him to talk in person? I probably will be doing something shortly too, as I have to contact him anyway to tie up some loose ends financially. Of course, I am all over the map on what I am going to say, how to say it, etc. But I'm going to try to keep sitting on my hands until at least this weekend or early next week. Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Lovnlost- I'm just blah today. It's a rainy Tuesday and it also marks 8 weeks since the breakup, 6 weeks no contact. I had therapy yesterday and I told her I'm going to try to convince myself it's really over, for my own sanity. It's just so hard to completely kill all hope. My therapist did agree with you about him replying to my text, but it's still not much of a comfort. I'm just going to live my life day by day and try to find contentment wherever possible. Sorry that your situation seems stuck too, I really wish we could both get our loves back, but I guess only God knows what the future holds. Anyway keep your chin up, you're a good guy from what I can tell. If she doesn't ever come back, then she's a fool. Ttyl Link to post Share on other sites
McDonald Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 The amount of texting we did was insane. I have never revealed so much about myself to anyone before. Then she came in and then knew eveything about me. I miss all the texts. The good mornings, good nights. I miss her asking me how I did on my exams without me even telling her I finished one. She just knew. But I'm beginning to realize that I'm just missing a relationship... It's not her that I am missing. The idea is what I'm missing and sadly, she is my only idea I a relationship and thius, I can't seem to just forget. Life moves on though.... Slowly Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Coping- me too! Sometimes I stare at my phone still expecting a text... Can you send private messages yet? I have gotten better at not staring at my phone....but i jump when it goes off at times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emmalynro Posted March 12, 2013 Author Share Posted March 12, 2013 I was FURIOUS at him today! Why? Because ~*~*~feelings~*~*~ is why. I went into this irrational self-pitying spiral of despair wherein I convinced myself he had wanted to hurt me from the beginning, or that this had all been just a harmless amusement for him, that he hated me, and so on and so forth. I nearly cried! And that was when I realized that, yeah, waiting til Saturday is a good idea. My feelings aren't as controlled as I thought. He looked incredibly upset when he saw me today. Later in the day he either a) went out of his way to walk by me a few times or b) saw me and immediately decided he needed to talk to the folks behind me. Either way, it was reverse avoidance, which is...good? I don't know? What do you think? I plan to call and ask if he'd be willing to meet. If he refuses after all this then I can at least leave in the comfort that this guy is a complete piece of **** (and I plan to give him a piece of my mind!). If he's willing to talk then I'll finally get some closure and hopefully we can part without any more tears. I remember him insisting that this was even harder for him than it has been for me. Part of me thinks "f--- you, buddy, you don't have the first goddamn idea how I feel", but part of me thinks that maybe it is. Have any of your exes ever insisted the breakup was as hard on them as it was on you? Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Can you send private messages yet? I have gotten better at not staring at my phone....but i jump when it goes off at times. I made a separate text tone for my ex, so IF he ever reaches out I won't wonder whether or not it's him...if I'm away from my phone. Private messages on here? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) My wonderful boyfriend ended things today. He has been on a very significant project that's had him working 18-hour days and 30-plus hour weekends (note: he's a semi-coworker so it's not like I'm just taking his word for it, I know what he's been doing). He hasn't had a day off in over 3 weeks. His project was supposed to end Thursday, but he received notice that he had to take a 2-week extension. Anyway, why did he end it? He has been increasingly losing his mind. He told me he was so stressed and exhausted he was acting out, becoming self-destructive and getting rid of what he loved. We've struggled over the past two weeks with his insane hours, but he finally snapped and told me he couldn't stand it anymore. He said he is overwhelmed with guilt at his not being there for me, at how he couldn't help me out when I needed it (I needed a ride to the hospital that he was originally going to give me). He said he had to end it because he cared about me so much---"if I cared less, I would've just kept things going." And he said he adores me, that I'm amazing and that could be with me forever. He tells me he's exhausted, he's confused, he's miserable and he hasn't slept. He hasn't gotten more than 4-6 hours of sleep in weeks. He says his heart is breaking, that he's exhausted and confused and he knows he's not making a good decision. But he can't tolerate how much he's hurt me. He says that he's scared that he would act this way to someone he thought he loved, and that it represents something seriously wrong with his life and priorities. I've tried to explain that he hasn't really been hurting me, that he needs to trust me and let me in, but he says he can't forgive himself for what he's done. He says every time he sees me at work he's distracted for at least an hour because he feels so strongly. He says it's incredibly painful and that he feels horrible. And he told me he wanted me to move on and to not wait for him because he's an awful person who's never getting better. We exchanged our belongings today. We held each other and cried as we said goodbye. His friends have said he doesn't want to break up with me, that I just need to wait for the end of this project. I recognize that this is less about the project and more about how he manages extreme stress, but I don't want to give up. Do you think there's any hope for this relationship after the project is over? Has anyone ever been in a situation where you broke up with a significant other even when you both cared deeply about one another? I have. My ex broke up with me over a year ago because he had lost his job and was freaking out about the future (we'd been together for nearly 2 years..living together..ring shopping), about not being able to care for me and for the family we'd talked about having together. We made the ENORMOUS mistake of starting to date again 3 weeks after the break up. I'd moved out, and we missed each other like crazy..we were still in love, he just kept saying he didn't know what he wanted etc. HUGE HUGE MISTAKE! He was still feeling depressed and insecure, and I was expecting things to go back to the way they had been..we fought CONSTANTLY. We did this for about 9 months (you can go back and read some of the old threads I posted..it was messy and ugly). We were saying awful things to each other..it was terrible. Then we stopped seeing each other for a few months. I dated other people (he went on 1 date with a girl but he said all he did was compare her to me the whole time and it didn't go well), pulled myself together, got a new job that I absolutely LOVE, made some new friends..and now guess who's back? He's still not entirely sure what he wants, but now neither am I..so we're just 'seeing each other' right now. I'm not going crazy about it..I know now that I'll be ok with or without him..but we do still love each other and it's been good so far. I'm still keeping my options open and dating other people (he's not..he says he doesn't want to..he knows that I am..he's not quite 'ok' with it but he understands). I'm not saying your situation will end up like mine did..there are NO guarantees. I just wanted to share my story with you as a point of reference. Men can be rash, stupid creatures sometimes..but occasionally they realize it and come back around. Just don't do what I did and rush back into it thinking everything is going to be just the way it was. Dumbest thing I've ever done. Edited March 12, 2013 by ThatJustHappened 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Coping Vortex Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Can you send private messages yet? I have gotten better at not staring at my phone....but i jump when it goes off at times. I can now. Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 It won't let me, I'm not an established member, just a member. Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 It won't let me, I'm not an established member, just a member. I think you need to be on here for 30 days. You definitely have enough posts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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