lovnlost Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Most of the time when I read your posts about how you want your ex back, I can't help but wish my ex felt this way! If only you could meet up with him, explain your story and get him to "see the light" about what an idiot he is! Lol (I know it's not possible, but would be cool) Give me his email....he wont see it coming lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Well, in my opinion, if you feel you've met the one, it is not easy to get over that so quickly. It's just a matter of whether she get over her anger and her hurt. Lots of people advise to never get back together with someone who has broken up with you once, and she may have people telling her that. It's just really hard to know why she won't reconsider -- if only she would just tell you what the reason is. But you can't force an answer, unfortunately. And you don't even know if she'd tell you the truth at this point, if she even quite knows herself. That's why all you can do is try to get on with things, although I'm sure you'll still have that hope. It seems like you live in a small community, so you will probably know when/if she is single again, and may be more receptive to slowly getting back in contact. It seems like a lot of people on these forums suggest LC, instead of NC, for getting back together, especially if the dumper has changed his mind. So for you, you have to decide if you want to have occasional LC to try to keep the door open, or do you want to try and get over her, which would probably work best with NC. Yes it is impossible to know her heart....and the way she pushed me away, it seems that she doesnt fully know herself as well. Difficult circumstances. I was thinking about LC vs NC. If I do contact her....I was thinking about like the 2 or 3 month mark. Probably closer to 3. Just with a kind of "I hope you are doing well" kind of phrase. Not sure if I should ask about her schooling, family or dog. lol. No clue what I would say if I do. But I know for now....it is WAY to soon to say a word as I am still to wounded as well. And with her last message to me, whether it was to provoke a response or not, was not very open. So ya, I dont know what I would open with if did. Thanks for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Lovnlost- If she truly thought you were The One, that's not a feeling you just forget about. I guess it's why I find it so hard to let my ex go, because he said I was the one for him. But in regards to your situation, since she knows you want her back, I would say yes. I don't think you hurt her to the extreme that she is done with you forever. I know its so confusing for you because she is with someone new right now, but my honest opinion is that his presence will only reaffirm for her that she should be with you. As to how long that will take...I don't know. I also agree with Misswillow that you have poured out your heart so now the ball is in her court, and she knows it. I don't think this rebound for her is about hurting you because when you love someone and feel they are the one for you, you can't bare to intentionally hurt them. I believe you are still there in her heart. It's easier said than done (believe me I know) but keep trying to heal yourself and your heart. If she's the one, she'll be back. thank you for your words and vote of confidence. Time will tell then huh. Wish I could alter that somehow. But I am not a manipulative person and will not try to do so or play into her world at all. Like you said, and this is something I have realized as well, the ball is in her court. Have you thought about sending a letter to your ex like MissWillow is doing? For some kind of closure or...... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Give me his email....he wont see it coming lol Don't tempt me! Haha Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 thank you for your words and vote of confidence. Time will tell then huh. Wish I could alter that somehow. But I am not a manipulative person and will not try to do so or play into her world at all. Like you said, and this is something I have realized as well, the ball is in her court. Have you thought about sending a letter to your ex like MissWillow is doing? For some kind of closure or...... I know what you mean about altering time, it sucks. As far as me sending him a letter...idk if I should at this point. Considering I already left him a voicemail and then slightly embarrassed myself with the whole Facebook thing, it might push him farther away I feel. I have asked my therapist and she seems to think I should still leave him be for now, wait and see if he comes to me. It's just so frustrating, this stupid NC makes me miss him more! I guess go back to your situation. Before you decided you wanted her back, what would have been your reaction in getting a letter from her? Side note- I'm starting to think your situation has more hope than mine does! Maybe I am just a fool. Sigh... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) I know what you mean about altering time, it sucks. As far as me sending him a letter...idk if I should at this point. Considering I already left him a voicemail and then slightly embarrassed myself with the whole Facebook thing, it might push him farther away I feel. I have asked my therapist and she seems to think I should still leave him be for now, wait and see if he comes to me. It's just so frustrating, this stupid NC makes me miss him more! I guess go back to your situation. Before you decided you wanted her back, what would have been your reaction in getting a letter from her? Side note- I'm starting to think your situation has more hope than mine does! Maybe I am just a fool. Sigh... A letter from her, either negative for us or positive would have been great! I would then at least have some kind of clarity on the situation and know her thoughts. Not knowing her thoughts has been the worst about wanting her back. And it would have shown she was making her choices for more responsible reasons. But, she was also hurt and single....free to do as she wills. I have to respect that, even if I do not like it.She just pushed me away instead. So, it has been said to me that she has unresloved issues with me. To what extent I do know. About our relationship, the BU, me wanting her back? I may never know. I thought she could at least give me something more considering how much she said she loved me. Mine may....however, Id take your maturity any day of the week with what i am up against now. Have faith in that. Your honoring him with your path....and that is love. You are no fool. But the hope thing gets to us. Just move forward more, and put the hope on the backburner more and more. Its not easy....but you have to save yourself at the same time. Edited March 15, 2013 by lovnlost 1 Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Lovnlost- Well you know about the brief verbal contact I've had with since the breakup. Should I send a letter or something eventually, or will he make contact if he wants to? Will he assume I've moved on and not bother, or would he try regardless if he really cares? Like with your situation, have I made it clear about how I feel and where I stand? If your ex had not contacted you at all after you broke things off, would you still have regretted it and tried to get her back if you had no idea what place she was in emotionally? Would pride play a factor? Sorry for all the questions...but I value your opinion as a man, a person going through something similar and also just a mature human in general lol! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
misswillow Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 lovnlost, I think you said at one point that you probably would have decided more quickly that you wanted your ex back if she hadn't been trying to change your mind the first week. Why is that? Also, you said that you would have loved to get a letter from your ex before you had made your mind up...how would that be different than her initial attempts at reconciliation? And why would you have liked to get such a letter...do you think it's something that would have influenced your decision? Or do you think the fact that she stopped trying to change your mind about the breakup is more what led you to change your mind (i.e., you realized that maybe you no longer could get her back, which made you want her more)? And do you think the fact that she is with another man somehow intensifies your feelings of wanting her back? I hope these questions don't sound argumentative, because that is not my intention at all. Just thoughts that make me curious... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Misswillow- You also asked some important questions. I agree that lovnlost said he prob would have come to his senses sooner if his ex had left him alone, but it's confusing when he then said he would have liked to get a letter from her. It's makes me wonder which way to go, like which "method" is better?! Lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
misswillow Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 I know, maybe because we are all just so confused!! I sent my ex an email this morning, and am not letting myself look for a response until I get home tonight. I think I know deep down that I probably will get no response at all, or if I do, nothing I want to hear. But I still feel like it was the right thing to do for my own "closure" (I do hate that word, but I guess sometimes it's the only one that fits). I hope I don't come to eventually see it as a mistake. And in other news, what has happened to emma??? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Your honoring him with your path....and that is love. What do you mean?? Honoring him how, by giving him space? Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Misswillow- Good luck with your email! I hope you get positive results Link to post Share on other sites
misswillow Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Well, I did not get the best response from my email. Basically, it is truly over. While he is very sad and misses me, he believes we will eventually see this is for the best because our differences were starting to affect us. He's happy we came into each other's lives and for all the experiences we shared, because they've been some of the best times of his life. And he will always think of me. I guess it's a nicer ending than most people get, but I am really just heartbroken now. I'm not sure if this was better for me, or if it would have been best to just let it go and know he would have come back if he wanted to. I don't know what he means by our "differences" because we really didn't have all that many differences, and no people in a relationship are exactly the same anyway. Oh, and I got the old "you truly deserve a better relationship than this one." But, I guess there is nothing left for me to do except quickly tie up our remaining loose ends, and get on with my life. As empty as a life that may see to be right now. Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 Misswillow- You also asked some important questions. I agree that lovnlost said he prob would have come to his senses sooner if his ex had left him alone, but it's confusing when he then said he would have liked to get a letter from her. It's makes me wonder which way to go, like which "method" is better?! Lol I apologize.....I should have clarified. If she would have written me a letter explaining her feelings after I began trying to get back together with her I would have appreciated it. It would.have clarified her intentions and let me know where she stood regarding us and situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 What do you mean?? Honoring him how, by giving him space? I meant that you are honoring his wishes. Which shows you care about and respect him without imposing. This is a great quality you have. I didnt explain enough to me ex at the endthat I needed the space. I did before that....but she wasnt hearing me in the right way. Things may have been different if.I communicated this better during the BU. Not sure.though with the intensity with which she pursued me daily afterwards. I understand though, she was hurt and didnt know how to cope with it fully. Plus she wanted what her heart wanted. I justed needed some distance at that time I think. Wish I would have realized this and communicated with her better before the end and we could have come to a compromise that would have been rewarding to us both. Just a possiblity though, its not for certain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 (edited) Well, I did not get the best response from my email. Basically, it is truly over. While he is very sad and misses me, he believes we will eventually see this is for the best because our differences were starting to affect us. He's happy we came into each other's lives and for all the experiences we shared, because they've been some of the best times of his life. And he will always think of me. I guess it's a nicer ending than most people get, but I am really just heartbroken now. I'm not sure if this was better for me, or if it would have been best to just let it go and know he would have come back if he wanted to. I don't know what he means by our "differences" because we really didn't have all that many differences, and no people in a relationship are exactly the same anyway. Oh, and I got the old "you truly deserve a better relationship than this one." But, I guess there is nothing left for me to do except quickly tie up our remaining loose ends, and get on with my life. As empty as a life that may see to be right now. Misswillow.....I am truly.sorry for the grief you must be feeling right now. I know its hard. I for one hate not knowing for certain where somebody stands. I dislike wondering, however it is delicate because you dont want to force the hand of the one you love so soon. In your case though I think it was still a great idea to do. And while the pain may be great now, at least you now know for certain where he stands. And the "differences" thing, I think he is just trying to justify his feelings with his action of breaking up with you. I do not think it was too soon to send it either. Now is your time. NOW you can truly begin to heal. Edited March 16, 2013 by lovnlost Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 Lovnlost- Well you know about the brief verbal contact I've had with since the breakup. Should I send a letter or something eventually, or will he make contact if he wants to? Will he assume I've moved on and not bother, or would he try regardless if he really cares? Like with your situation, have I made it clear about how I feel and where I stand? If your ex had not contacted you at all after you broke things off, would you still have regretted it and tried to get her back if you had no idea what place she was in emotionally? Would pride play a factor? Sorry for all the questions...but I value your opinion as a man, a person going through something similar and also just a mature human in general lol! I am out of town and just using my phone so I apologize if my typing is occasionally erratic. You have given very limited contact and have not, in my opinion expressed fully your side of the BU. The question is, did you when he was breaking up or do you think that it is necessary to do so? Or, put another way, do you have anymore to say that would inspire him to change his mind? If he really cares then yes he will. How much time and space he.thinks he needs is anyone's guess. If my ex had not contacted me so frequently after our BU I think I would have chased her much sooner than i did. However, I would not understand fully our issues, hers or mine, or developed a better idea for us to bond more.completely as a couple. I think our problems would have risen to quickly again. Communication would have ocurred but perhaps not as deeply as it should have. So I am.somewhat at a loss here. Being together again sooner would.of course felt better, but for the long term I am not so sure. This is an odd or very intelligent position for me to be in and im not sure about it as my emotions still wrestle with my head. What do you think? I think pride does play a factor. I think my ex's pride played a major role in her actions post BU. And so did mine. More so before the BU for me though. Hmmmmm.........can you elaborate on this or ask more specifically how you are referring to pride? Did anything I said help? Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 lovnlost, I think you said at one point that you probably would have decided more quickly that you wanted your ex back if she hadn't been trying to change your mind the first week. Why is that? Also, you said that you would have loved to get a letter from your ex before you had made your mind up...how would that be different than her initial attempts at reconciliation? And why would you have liked to get such a letter...do you think it's something that would have influenced your decision? Or do you think the fact that she stopped trying to change your mind about the breakup is more what led you to change your mind (i.e., you realized that maybe you no longer could get her back, which made you want her more)? And do you think the fact that she is with another man somehow intensifies your feelings of wanting her back? I hope these questions don't sound argumentative, because that is not my intention at all. Just thoughts that make me curious... Misswillow..... I think I answered most of these questions in my last few posts but the last two I will address here. I do think when she stopped trying to win me back made me want her more. For natural reasons yes, but it also allowed me to be free of pressure or influence to think about us more independently. And I think this is partly what I THINK I needed. Truth is, if I was in love with her, and knew it then, which I did even when I broke up, that I should have pursued every avenue possible to keep her and work through things with her when the chips were down for my part. I was wrong.....and that was hard to admit to myself and her. A loving relationship requires work at times and when I thought it required to much work In snapped, and pushed her away. Again, wrong. And yes, her being with someone else i think does magnify all this because it makes it harder to think about and deal with. It added a whole new variable that I was not prepared.for one bit. And makes me want her back more so we can work things out and see hkw we can still grow and fall deeper in love. I think she would have been more receptive as well to me. But, it is what it is at this point I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Gottabestrong Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 Emma, what happened? Did you talk to your ex and were you able to sort everything out? Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 Misswillow- I'm am so very sorry for the outcome of your email. I know it hurts like hell but at the very least you're not in a grey area and can tell yourself it's really over. I wish there was something more I could say, but I know firsthand that words don't help much in this heartbreaking situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 (edited) I am out of town and just using my phone so I apologize if my typing is occasionally erratic. You have given very limited contact and have not, in my opinion expressed fully your side of the BU. The question is, did you when he was breaking up or do you think that it is necessary to do so? Or, put another way, do you have anymore to say that would inspire him to change his mind? If he really cares then yes he will. How much time and space he.thinks he needs is anyone's guess. If my ex had not contacted me so frequently after our BU I think I would have chased her much sooner than i did. However, I would not understand fully our issues, hers or mine, or developed a better idea for us to bond more.completely as a couple. I think our problems would have risen to quickly again. Communication would have ocurred but perhaps not as deeply as it should have. So I am.somewhat at a loss here. Being together again sooner would.of course felt better, but for the long term I am not so sure. This is an odd or very intelligent position for me to be in and im not sure about it as my emotions still wrestle with my head. What do you think? I think pride does play a factor. I think my ex's pride played a major role in her actions post BU. And so did mine. More so before the BU for me though. Hmmmmm.........can you elaborate on this or ask more specifically how you are referring to pride? Did anything I said help? Lovnlost- Yes this has helped. During the breakup I basically said everything; I felt he was making a mistake, I don't want anyone else, I love him etc. So at that point I do think I made my feelings known. Idk if maybe he thinks I feel differently now because I haven't contacted him again and because I vanished from Facebook... A part of me does think I could say some things to change his mind, but I also want him to fight for me because he still wants me, know what I mean? I feel so conflicted, his birthday is in 2 weeks and I'm tempted to send an email, however if I pour my heart out and he rejects me again, I'll be beyond devastated. What do you think I should do? In regards to pride I was referring to would pride stop him from reaching out? Because he was the dumper and coming back would mean he was wrong and isn't that sometimes tough for some men to admit? Or would it not matter if he loves me? I guess I will wait and ask my therapist for advice, but I really do appreciate your input too. Edited March 16, 2013 by singme2sleep Link to post Share on other sites
misswillow Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 Misswillow- I'm am so very sorry for the outcome of your email. I know it hurts like hell but at the very least you're not in a grey area and can tell yourself it's really over. I wish there was something more I could say, but I know firsthand that words don't help much in this heartbreaking situation. Thanks. I think today is the worst day yet. His words really broke my heart, and the way he sounded so sure of it. Unfortunately, we still have to be in contact a few more times, but I will make sure that is only by email and is all business. I honestly don't know how I will move on from this. It's my own fault, but he became my whole life, and now it's all been taken away. Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 MissWillow....how are you doing these days? It is not your own fault. DO NOT take this weight on your shoulders. I did and its miserable. You both had a hand in the relationship and that means an even split. We are only human and making mistakes is just part of who we are. Forgive yourself as best you can. It isnt easy..but it will happen more and more, the more you try. Thinking of you today and sending positive vibes your way. Singme2sleep? How are you holding up? Emma? Where of where did she go? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Misswillow - How are you holding up? I know you must be going through hell... We're all thinking of you and wishing you well. Lovnlost- I'm doing ok. Just getting used to the rollercoaster ride that is my emotions lol. How are you? Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Misswillow - How are you holding up? I know you must be going through hell... We're all thinking of you and wishing you well. Lovnlost- I'm doing ok. Just getting used to the rollercoaster ride that is my emotions lol. How are you? I am up an down. Its been about 5-6 weeks now. And I think her contacting me set me back more than I would have liked. So, I am trying to move forward again. The sadder or more tired I am, the more I think about her. I think that it is because I relied on her so much as a partner. When we are up we want to share our new developments and happiness with someone, them. And when we are down we want to hold them and get reassurance from them. And all the while, they are not there. It reminds me of that song....when you dreaming with a broken heart by John Mayer. I still have bad days, and some good. Trying to make the good outweigh the bad and stay there. Is this what you are trying to do? What are you doing to occupy yourself or what are you telling yourself these days? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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