Is this really and truly the end?

[singme2sleep]

I am up an down. Its been about 5-6 weeks now. And I think her contacting me set me back more than I would have liked. So, I am trying to move forward again. The sadder or more tired I am, the more I think about her. I think that it is because I relied on her so much as a partner. When we are up we want to share our new developments and happiness with someone, them. And when we are down we want to hold them and get reassurance from them. And all the while, they are not there. It reminds me of that song....when you dreaming with a broken heart by John Mayer. I still have bad days, and some good. Trying to make the good outweigh the bad and stay there.

 

Is this what you are trying to do? What are you doing to occupy yourself or what are you telling yourself these days?

 

Lovnlost-

 

I know that song well, and the lyrics def ring true. I agree about the ups and down because they were our "person" so it's hard to not have that.

 

Yeah I'm trying to do that too, let the good overtake the bad. We really didn't have any bad, just the ending. It drives me crazy when all these little reminders sneak up on me, like when I see a car like his or go to a place we went etc. But I'm trying to be strong, trying to keep living my life.

 

To occupy myself, I've been writing a lot. Though I start with my novel, then I get the inspiration for a poem and go off track. I counted last night, wrote 28 poems since the breakup. Idk if that's brilliant or crazy lol.

 

I went to therapy recently and she asked me what advice I would give myself, if I weren't me, so I'm attempting to look at things from that perspective. I did start to make that list you suggested but it made me too sad to go through all the happy memories so that's on the back burner for now.

 

You?

[misswillow]

Hi SM2S and LNL,

 

Thanks for asking how I'm doing. Not that great, to be honest. I don't necessarily regret sending that email, but I can't say it feels good to get confirmation that it is truly over.

 

I'm also very frustrated because I need some assistance from my ex with some financial stuff that I need transferred (his firm was handling some of my accounts and now I obviously want them back to my usual firm) - it is not something I can do without him answering some questions and getting some forms signed. He has ignored my email with questions about that, but yet came and picked up his stuff that he asked me to leave outside (so he obviously wouldn't have to see me), and he forwarded an email that confirmed he cancelled our joint gym membership. So he's doing what he needs to do, but not helping me in what I need to do (he also didn't leave my housekey, which I asked him to do). So now I have to contact him again and ask him for these things again. And I don't know if I should call him since he has ignored my email, but the thought of calling gives me a knot in my stomach. I know he would never do anything shady with my money, I just don't understand why he is making this difficult. I just wish I could start NC for good now, but I can't.

 

I'm finding out this week if I have gotten accepted into a therapy practice so I can start with that. I never knew it could be so hard to find a therapist! I'm hoping that helps some because I obviously am a mess!

 

Hope the both of you had ok days. You're both ahead of me as far as time since the BU, but I'm not sure that always matters.

[misswillow]

So I had to call my ex to talk to him about the financial info I need from him. I expected to just leave a voicemail, but he answered. He asked me how I was doing and it turned into a discussion about the breakup. He told me how miserable he is, he isn't motivated to do anything, he thinks about me all the time, he will never feel this way about anyone again, he feels like he will never recover from this, etc etc. We were both crying. I didn't say too much, but said I don't understand why he made this decision. He said he thinks we were too dependent on each other, almost addicted to each other, and maybe this is why this is so hard. That we didn't make any other friends. That we are probably both now just thinking about the good times, but there were bad times too. I agreed that there were bad times, but I said I felt they weren't dealbreakers, and when people care about each other, they work together on their issues.

 

He said he still thinks this is the right decision, and we just have to do this for a few weeks and then can we talk again. I asked him why, just so we can be sad again? He asked me how long it took me to get over my last ex, as if that would give him an indication of how long it was going to take him to get over me (although he is early 40s, ours is the first relationship that he ever had any doubts or such sadness when it ended). I told him my last relationship was completely different so it can't be compared.

 

At the end of the call he told me that this is harder on him than it is on me, and asked again if we can talk in a few weeks. I said ok, though I probably shouldn't have. I think he's thinking if he's still sad in a few weeks he can call me and talk about it. But if he's feeling better, I probably will not even hear from him. I have to convince myself not to expect his call, and hope that over the next few weeks I will not even want him to call. Because this man has no idea what he wants, and I don't think he even fully understands why he is breaking up with me.

 

Although part of me is happy to hear that he is so miserable too, it makes me wonder why the h*ll is he doing this then? I explained to him that when we broke up and got back together in the past, I don't think we really addressed our issues, which was a mistake. But he didn't really respond to that.

 

I am just so exhausted from all of this...

[singme2sleep]

So I had to call my ex to talk to him about the financial info I need from him. I expected to just leave a voicemail, but he answered. He asked me how I was doing and it turned into a discussion about the breakup. He told me how miserable he is, he isn't motivated to do anything, he thinks about me all the time, he will never feel this way about anyone again, he feels like he will never recover from this, etc etc. We were both crying. I didn't say too much, but said I don't understand why he made this decision. He said he thinks we were too dependent on each other, almost addicted to each other, and maybe this is why this is so hard. That we didn't make any other friends. That we are probably both now just thinking about the good times, but there were bad times too. I agreed that there were bad times, but I said I felt they weren't dealbreakers, and when people care about each other, they work together on their issues.

 

He said he still thinks this is the right decision, and we just have to do this for a few weeks and then can we talk again. I asked him why, just so we can be sad again? He asked me how long it took me to get over my last ex, as if that would give him an indication of how long it was going to take him to get over me (although he is early 40s, ours is the first relationship that he ever had any doubts or such sadness when it ended). I told him my last relationship was completely different so it can't be compared.

 

At the end of the call he told me that this is harder on him than it is on me, and asked again if we can talk in a few weeks. I said ok, though I probably shouldn't have. I think he's thinking if he's still sad in a few weeks he can call me and talk about it. But if he's feeling better, I probably will not even hear from him. I have to convince myself not to expect his call, and hope that over the next few weeks I will not even want him to call. Because this man has no idea what he wants, and I don't think he even fully understands why he is breaking up with me.

 

Although part of me is happy to hear that he is so miserable too, it makes me wonder why the h*ll is he doing this then? I explained to him that when we broke up and got back together in the past, I don't think we really addressed our issues, which was a mistake. But he didn't really respond to that.

 

I am just so exhausted from all of this...

 

So he's miserable without you, but still feels you both should be apart...what is up with men?!?!?!

 

That would infuriate me and make me sad at the same time.

 

I'm so sorry misswillow

 

How did he end the phone call, him just saying he'll call back in a few weeks?

[misswillow]

Yes, he said this is the hardest thing he's ever gone through, but in the same conversation said that he really thinks it is the right decision. He was getting pretty upset so I think he wanted to get off the phone, and just said "can we talk in a few weeks?" and I said ok and then we said goodbye. I really don't know why he wants to talk again, if he really does.

 

I just feel very sad and angry this morning. At him, and everything. I've tried so hard in my life to have the things that other people seem to have so easily...family, marriage, someone who loves them. But I've failed at all of it. And then I found someone who really did love me, but apparently not enough.

[lovnlost]

Yes, he said this is the hardest thing he's ever gone through, but in the same conversation said that he really thinks it is the right decision. He was getting pretty upset so I think he wanted to get off the phone, and just said "can we talk in a few weeks?" and I said ok and then we said goodbye. I really don't know why he wants to talk again, if he really does.

 

I just feel very sad and angry this morning. At him, and everything. I've tried so hard in my life to have the things that other people seem to have so easily...family, marriage, someone who loves them. But I've failed at all of it. And then I found someone who really did love me, but apparently not enough.

 

the whole wanting to talk with you in a few weeks thing is him trying to string you along IMO. I think, even though he is confused, he may change his mind in a few short weeks or want to see if you are still waiting on him to change kind of thing. Personally, I would not give him the pleasure of your mature and endearing feelings or precious time. And you have not failed....it is simply taking you longer to find. I am 35 and I am realizing this as well. Timing is important when finding such things. I have no doubt that someday I will be who I need to be with.

 

Right now, I do not think I could even take my ex back. While I have matured greatly, I have so many things going on and that are stressing me out that I don't think I could even focus on the two of is reconciling at the moment. That said, I have come very far within a short time frame. I still hurt, I still over analyze things for no apparent reason, but that seems to just be my nature. She will realize one day what she lost in not taking me back and perhaps I will realize that I was right to leave her to begin with. Who knows. This guy could have also done you a favor, especially if this is the 3rd time. Third time is a charm is it not. Keep hoping for something and someone better. I will for you as well. Keep your head up. You made it through a big hurdle recently and that is something to feel strongly about. I for one, am proud of you. Hang in there. The storm may seem hectic now, but the calm will come.

[lovnlost]

Lovnlost-

 

I know that song well, and the lyrics def ring true. I agree about the ups and down because they were our "person" so it's hard to not have that.

 

Yeah I'm trying to do that too, let the good overtake the bad. We really didn't have any bad, just the ending. It drives me crazy when all these little reminders sneak up on me, like when I see a car like his or go to a place we went etc. But I'm trying to be strong, trying to keep living my life.

 

To occupy myself, I've been writing a lot. Though I start with my novel, then I get the inspiration for a poem and go off track. I counted last night, wrote 28 poems since the breakup. Idk if that's brilliant or crazy lol.

 

I went to therapy recently and she asked me what advice I would give myself, if I weren't me, so I'm attempting to look at things from that perspective. I did start to make that list you suggested but it made me too sad to go through all the happy memories so that's on the back burner for now.

 

You?

 

Yes, I am getting sick of all the reminders as well lately. Its the little things I cherish like I said before. I find myself in an odd way the last few days. I have been hopeful. I do not know why nor can I explain it. But know that things will work out for me eventually with her. What will happen then. My bday is next weekend and I am nervous because I am anticipating her sending me a happy bday message or something to that effect. Though I don't know why should would. Her actions have been clear enough that I shouldn't expect anything of the kind. If she did I think I would just say thank you and be on my way. However, I worry that it may set me back again and I don't want to go there. Part of me would reply with a witty remark like "Thank you. Ya, know, I have not drank in a couple months, but this one, this one drink here is for the memories you and I have shared together. You know you will always be my girl. Cheers!" I know this sounds SO cheesy and lame. But I think it would hit a cord with her and make her think. She would probably get mad that I acted so sweet and even was possessive in the last part. But I wouldn't answer her if she sent me a second text. I would just let it ride. See, ridiculously hopeful. Don't know where it is coming from.

 

Aside from that. I don't know what else to say. Been analyzing things again in my head and talking with a friend about it and I do not think it has done anything to me but set me back. I must stop this approach and simply move forward with myself. It is a troublesome and difficult path.

 

I listened to a friend of mine and got on a dating sight for a day. Literally one day and messaged a few people. I am not looking to hook up or date even, just spend time in the company of a woman. No replies or interest no matter how genuine or funny I was being. Then I realized, that I am simply not ready to invest any time or effort into anyone else, even as a friend at the moment so I deleted the account. Not cool and no fun. It will be a few months before I approach anyone else I think. I am simply not ready, nor is it fair to myself.

 

She promised to wait for me and said she didnt want anyone else, a lie as we are aware. But for someone reason, that still holds true for me in that I said I don't want to be with anyone else either. For some reason I feel that I would be doing myself, and her a disservice if I did try to date again at the moment. Which is odd because I don't owe her anything at this point. Can someone tell me what to make of this? And then I think, if she does come back, how much she will see this and what it would mean for her to see that I have not been with another. But, for some reason I am counting on that as well. See, Im just as confused as ever and its going on 6 weeks no contact. I am sleeping better these days though and the intense anguish when thinking of her has subsided for the most part. And thats good.

 

Singme2sleep.....how are you doing? Care to share a poem? Tell me about your novel?

[singme2sleep]

the whole wanting to talk with you in a few weeks thing is him trying to string you along IMO. I think, even though he is confused, he may change his mind in a few short weeks or want to see if you are still waiting on him to change kind of thing. Personally, I would not give him the pleasure of your mature and endearing feelings or precious time. And you have not failed....it is simply taking you longer to find. I am 35 and I am realizing this as well. Timing is important when finding such things. I have no doubt that someday I will be who I need to be with.

 

Right now, I do not think I could even take my ex back. While I have matured greatly, I have so many things going on and that are stressing me out that I don't think I could even focus on the two of is reconciling at the moment. That said, I have come very far within a short time frame. I still hurt, I still over analyze things for no apparent reason, but that seems to just be my nature. She will realize one day what she lost in not taking me back and perhaps I will realize that I was right to leave her to begin with. Who knows. This guy could have also done you a favor, especially if this is the 3rd time. Third time is a charm is it not. Keep hoping for something and someone better. I will for you as well. Keep your head up. You made it through a big hurdle recently and that is something to feel strongly about. I for one, am proud of you. Hang in there. The storm may seem hectic now, but the calm will come.

 

misswillow-

 

I agree with lovnlost, I think your ex is still a little confused and trying to string you along.

[singme2sleep]

Yes, I am getting sick of all the reminders as well lately. Its the little things I cherish like I said before. I find myself in an odd way the last few days. I have been hopeful. I do not know why nor can I explain it. But know that things will work out for me eventually with her. What will happen then. My bday is next weekend and I am nervous because I am anticipating her sending me a happy bday message or something to that effect. Though I don't know why should would. Her actions have been clear enough that I shouldn't expect anything of the kind. If she did I think I would just say thank you and be on my way. However, I worry that it may set me back again and I don't want to go there. Part of me would reply with a witty remark like "Thank you. Ya, know, I have not drank in a couple months, but this one, this one drink here is for the memories you and I have shared together. You know you will always be my girl. Cheers!" I know this sounds SO cheesy and lame. But I think it would hit a cord with her and make her think. She would probably get mad that I acted so sweet and even was possessive in the last part. But I wouldn't answer her if she sent me a second text. I would just let it ride. See, ridiculously hopeful. Don't know where it is coming from.

 

Aside from that. I don't know what else to say. Been analyzing things again in my head and talking with a friend about it and I do not think it has done anything to me but set me back. I must stop this approach and simply move forward with myself. It is a troublesome and difficult path.

 

I listened to a friend of mine and got on a dating sight for a day. Literally one day and messaged a few people. I am not looking to hook up or date even, just spend time in the company of a woman. No replies or interest no matter how genuine or funny I was being. Then I realized, that I am simply not ready to invest any time or effort into anyone else, even as a friend at the moment so I deleted the account. Not cool and no fun. It will be a few months before I approach anyone else I think. I am simply not ready, nor is it fair to myself.

 

She promised to wait for me and said she didnt want anyone else, a lie as we are aware. But for someone reason, that still holds true for me in that I said I don't want to be with anyone else either. For some reason I feel that I would be doing myself, and her a disservice if I did try to date again at the moment. Which is odd because I don't owe her anything at this point. Can someone tell me what to make of this? And then I think, if she does come back, how much she will see this and what it would mean for her to see that I have not been with another. But, for some reason I am counting on that as well. See, Im just as confused as ever and its going on 6 weeks no contact. I am sleeping better these days though and the intense anguish when thinking of her has subsided for the most part. And thats good.

 

Singme2sleep.....how are you doing? Care to share a poem? Tell me about your novel?

 

Lovnlost-

 

When you say your nervous about hearing from her on your bday, you mean you hope you do right? I think if she cares, you will get some kind of contact. My ex's bday is the 31st and I'm still undecided about reaching out. My gather actually suggested mailing him a simple bday card. He said it more personal than a text or email and it's just a way of saying "I'm thinking about you on your birthday" what do you think? It's not going to be emotional or anything, I won't write I Love You... I just want him to know I remembered and that I still care. I have no expectations so good idea or bad idea?

 

The novel I'm writing is fiction, but it will stem from my relationship with my grandfather (who died in 2011) and will have a supernatural element to it. If you want I will describe it further when they let me send private messages lol.

 

Sure, I'll share a poem.

 

Hurt:

 

I carry this hurt in my heart

I carry it on my shoulders

Known right from the start

So very heavy, like boulders

 

I carry this hurt in my arms

I carry it snug around my neck

These wounds cause me harm

And I'm just a nervous wreck

 

I carry this hurt in my mind

I carry it with both hands

Memories attempt to rewind

But life harshly commands

 

I carry this hurt in my eyes

I carry it strapped on my back

Among the many useless tries

Regret leads me way off track

 

I carry this hurt in my soul

I carry it and walk alone

Suddenly having no control

While you remain cold as stone

[lovnlost]

Lovnlost-

 

When you say your nervous about hearing from her on your bday, you mean you hope you do right? I think if she cares, you will get some kind of contact. My ex's bday is the 31st and I'm still undecided about reaching out. My gather actually suggested mailing him a simple bday card. He said it more personal than a text or email and it's just a way of saying "I'm thinking about you on your birthday" what do you think? It's not going to be emotional or anything, I won't write I Love You... I just want him to know I remembered and that I still care. I have no expectations so good idea or bad idea?

 

The novel I'm writing is fiction, but it will stem from my relationship with my grandfather (who died in 2011) and will have a supernatural element to it. If you want I will describe it further when they let me send private messages lol.

 

Sure, I'll share a poem.

 

Hurt:

 

I carry this hurt in my heart

I carry it on my shoulders

Known right from the start

So very heavy, like boulders

 

I carry this hurt in my arms

I carry it snug around my neck

These wounds cause me harm

And I'm just a nervous wreck

 

I carry this hurt in my mind

I carry it with both hands

Memories attempt to rewind

But life harshly commands

 

I carry this hurt in my eyes

I carry it strapped on my back

Among the many useless tries

Regret leads me way off track

 

I carry this hurt in my soul

I carry it and walk alone

Suddenly having no control

While you remain cold as stone

 

I guess in rereading what I wrote and the way I am thinking leans more towards hoping I hear from her on my bday. hmmm.....thats odd how that got turned around. I have been looking at it from the standpoint of my being scared she will because it would set me back.....it seems I am expectant of it now. Well that sucks! Now I will feel let down if she doesnt lol. I am going to have to change that real quick in my head. I wouldnt get a card though. She would not be so personal about it I think if she did anything at all.

 

I for one would love to receive a card. But if you are not trying to say to much or show to much care, then a text would suffice. You must be clear with yourself why you are doing it? I have had to stop myself many times from doing or saying something simply to obtain a reaction from my ex. Is this your goal as well? Or are you saying it, because you care and just want to say it with no reaction expected from him. That is what you must really be prepared for. I do not think he would be cold about it, but it is something you must prepare yourself for. Like myself....I got all turned around. I shouldnt have even thought about it....thats probably what got me feeling so hopeful lately. Stupid head of mine.

 

I really enjoyed your poem. Its revealing and courageous of you to post online. Thank you. Perhaps I will someday have the guts to show my work one day.

[lovnlost]

where is Emma?

[singme2sleep]

I guess in rereading what I wrote and the way I am thinking leans more towards hoping I hear from her on my bday. hmmm.....thats odd how that got turned around. I have been looking at it from the standpoint of my being scared she will because it would set me back.....it seems I am expectant of it now. Well that sucks! Now I will feel let down if she doesnt lol. I am going to have to change that real quick in my head. I wouldnt get a card though. She would not be so personal about it I think if she did anything at all.

 

I for one would love to receive a card. But if you are not trying to say to much or show to much care, then a text would suffice. You must be clear with yourself why you are doing it? I have had to stop myself many times from doing or saying something simply to obtain a reaction from my ex. Is this your goal as well? Or are you saying it, because you care and just want to say it with no reaction expected from him. That is what you must really be prepared for. I do not think he would be cold about it, but it is something you must prepare yourself for. Like myself....I got all turned around. I shouldnt have even thought about it....thats probably what got me feeling so hopeful lately. Stupid head of mine.

 

I really enjoyed your poem. Its revealing and courageous of you to post online. Thank you. Perhaps I will someday have the guts to show my work one day.

 

Lovnlost-

 

Sorry if I made your feelings shift about your bday contact expectations. I hope he is not going to be "set back" as you say if I send a card. Honestly though I'm not doing it to expect anything, just want to let him know that I care enough to send it. I feel like if I send a text even though I have no expectations, I will still be wondering if he'll text back. But with a card, it's different. And I also think he won't be expecting a card from me. Overall I feel good about it, in my heart I know it's the right thing to do. Though I plan to run it by my therapist first, just to see what she thinks. Lol

 

Thank you, I'm glad you like my poem. Before my ex, I was always afraid to really let anybody read my stuff, but he made me fearless and he knows it...I'll always be grateful to him for that.

 

I've been doing ok otherwise but my dad did say some things that slightly confused me. Guess I will never fully understand men!

[lovnlost]

You didnt make me think otherwise....It just occurred to me where Im standing is all.

 

I think the card is a nice gesture personally. And personally, I wouldn't run it by your therapist....sometimes we have to take chances on our own regardless of what others think. That is what makes us who we are. Send the card. Its simple and honest. He knows what type of person you are.

 

I will do the same to my ex on her bday as well months from now. I really wonder if she will say anything....hmmmmmm.....gonna have to let this go real fast before it gets built up. I guess it would be confirmation that she is thinking of me....at least one day anyway....and that would make me feel better I suppose.....or just draw out the heartache.....well, I will know if a few days lol.

 

Your writing is good.....and he didnt make you fearless, you did. His support simply nudged you along.

[misswillow]

Hi there,

 

I'm glad there are no upcoming birthdays to deal with in my situation! Not until later in the year for both of us, so I really hope that by then I won't still be thinking of this (at least not as much). And no major holidays either to contend with. Those days are so hard...all the expectations of will you hear anything, do you want to, will it set you back, what does it mean, should you reach out, etc, etc. Just everything we go through everyday, only more intense.

 

I agree with both of you that my ex is stringing me along by the conversation we had the other day. I don't know if he is doing it intentionally, but I think he wants me there for him in case he doesn't magically start to feel better, as he is hoping he will. And I know I am the only one he can talk to about how much pain he is in. However, I need to be strong and be clear that he lost the right to tell me about his pain when he ended our relationship. My gut tells me that he is not going to try to get me back again, but even if he did, my head is getting to the place where I know I can never, ever trust his empty promises again. He has been 100% sure in the past that he wanted to be with me and would never leave me again, but yet he did. I just need my heart to catch up to my head...it hasn't yet, so I am best off with NC.

 

Singme2sleep, your poem is lovely, and very sad.

[misswillow]

where is Emma?

 

I don't know. I hope she is ok. I think the last we heard she had left a VM for her ex. Maybe they figured everything out and she is doing well.

[misswillow]

Lovnlost-

 

Sorry if I made your feelings shift about your bday contact expectations. I hope he is not going to be "set back" as you say if I send a card. Honestly though I'm not doing it to expect anything, just want to let him know that I care enough to send it. I feel like if I send a text even though I have no expectations, I will still be wondering if he'll text back. But with a card, it's different. And I also think he won't be expecting a card from me. Overall I feel good about it, in my heart I know it's the right thing to do. Though I plan to run it by my therapist first, just to see what she thinks. Lol

 

Thank you, I'm glad you like my poem. Before my ex, I was always afraid to really let anybody read my stuff, but he made me fearless and he knows it...I'll always be grateful to him for that.

 

I've been doing ok otherwise but my dad did say some things that slightly confused me. Guess I will never fully understand men!

 

I think the card is a nice gesture. Just something simple. And I agree that if you send a text, you will expect a response moreso than with a card. But recognize that you will still probably have some expectations from this, even if you don't believe it now. Just be prepared for that.

[misswillow]

Yes, I am getting sick of all the reminders as well lately. Its the little things I cherish like I said before. I find myself in an odd way the last few days. I have been hopeful. I do not know why nor can I explain it. But know that things will work out for me eventually with her. What will happen then. My bday is next weekend and I am nervous because I am anticipating her sending me a happy bday message or something to that effect. Though I don't know why should would. Her actions have been clear enough that I shouldn't expect anything of the kind. If she did I think I would just say thank you and be on my way. However, I worry that it may set me back again and I don't want to go there. Part of me would reply with a witty remark like "Thank you. Ya, know, I have not drank in a couple months, but this one, this one drink here is for the memories you and I have shared together. You know you will always be my girl. Cheers!" I know this sounds SO cheesy and lame. But I think it would hit a cord with her and make her think. She would probably get mad that I acted so sweet and even was possessive in the last part. But I wouldn't answer her if she sent me a second text. I would just let it ride. See, ridiculously hopeful. Don't know where it is coming from.

 

Aside from that. I don't know what else to say. Been analyzing things again in my head and talking with a friend about it and I do not think it has done anything to me but set me back. I must stop this approach and simply move forward with myself. It is a troublesome and difficult path.

 

I listened to a friend of mine and got on a dating sight for a day. Literally one day and messaged a few people. I am not looking to hook up or date even, just spend time in the company of a woman. No replies or interest no matter how genuine or funny I was being. Then I realized, that I am simply not ready to invest any time or effort into anyone else, even as a friend at the moment so I deleted the account. Not cool and no fun. It will be a few months before I approach anyone else I think. I am simply not ready, nor is it fair to myself.

 

She promised to wait for me and said she didnt want anyone else, a lie as we are aware. But for someone reason, that still holds true for me in that I said I don't want to be with anyone else either. For some reason I feel that I would be doing myself, and her a disservice if I did try to date again at the moment. Which is odd because I don't owe her anything at this point. Can someone tell me what to make of this? And then I think, if she does come back, how much she will see this and what it would mean for her to see that I have not been with another. But, for some reason I am counting on that as well. See, Im just as confused as ever and its going on 6 weeks no contact. I am sleeping better these days though and the intense anguish when thinking of her has subsided for the most part. And thats good.

 

Singme2sleep.....how are you doing? Care to share a poem? Tell me about your novel?

 

Oh, thinking about dating again is so hard, especially online dating. I understand why you deleted that account. You really need to feel ready for that, and if you're not, there is no rush.

 

I'm not sure why you feel you owe it to your ex not to be with another woman, maybe because you believe she is the one for you. Or maybe because you initially broke up with her you feel guilty and at fault for the ending of the relationship, and believe it wouldn't be right to move on when you feel you made a mistake. But you have definitely shown her through words and actions that you are sorry for what you did, and regret it. As long as she chooses not to reconcile, you don't have to feel like you owe it to her to not be with another woman. But I think when you're ready, you won't have these feelings.

 

Sometimes I almost feel like it will be sad when I'm finally over my ex (if ever) because that means it is all really over. Somehow, this overwhelming sadness is keeping me connected to him in some way, and once that is gone, there is nothing. I was trying to explain this feeling to my mom, but she did not understand. I wonder if I am just crazy in this feeling or not explaining it well? Or maybe it is something similar to your feeling that you owe it to your ex to not be with another woman...somehow that is keeping a connection between the two of you alive in your heart.

[lovnlost]

an artist....David Gray

 

 

 

 

 

Love this guy more and more. Who have you been listening to lately? The sail away with me song is especially good to me, seeming how that is what I love to do in life. Sail. Beware....they are powerful and saddening. But wow. Anyway....I have 4 essays to do by tomorrows deadline. And here I am feeling....lost again. I hate that I am not forcing her removal from my head and heart more.

 

MissWillow. I fully understand the connection you are referring too. And it makes me feel weak as I do this. Today I will hit the gym, and run again. The endorphine kick is sure to help me bounce back.

Edited March 21, 2013 by lovnlost

[misswillow]

I love David Gray, he has actually been my favorite for many years. This Year's Love and Say Hello Wave Goodbye are my absolute favorites of his, but I could never listen to them now for fear of a real breakdown.

 

My other supersad song - the Beatles - In My Life (I Love You More).

 

I honestly don't know when I'll be able to listen to any of these again.

[lovnlost]

I love David Gray, he has actually been my favorite for many years. This Year's Love and Say Hello Wave Goodbye are my absolute favorites of his, but I could never listen to them now for fear of a real breakdown.

 

My other supersad song - the Beatles - In My Life (I Love You More).

 

I honestly don't know when I'll be able to listen to any of these again.

 

 

That is me with country. After years of not listening she actually got me into it finally. And now I find that I really love it. Its practical, down to earth and caring. I cant help but appreciate it. I have even taken her to some converts. So now, I cant listen. I can some songs, but its hard to turn on the radio because I envision her next to me as we would sing together as we went.

[singme2sleep]

You didnt make me think otherwise....It just occurred to me where Im standing is all.

 

I think the card is a nice gesture personally. And personally, I wouldn't run it by your therapist....sometimes we have to take chances on our own regardless of what others think. That is what makes us who we are. Send the card. Its simple and honest. He knows what type of person you are.

 

I will do the same to my ex on her bday as well months from now. I really wonder if she will say anything....hmmmmmm.....gonna have to let this go real fast before it gets built up. I guess it would be confirmation that she is thinking of me....at least one day anyway....and that would make me feel better I suppose.....or just draw out the heartache.....well, I will know if a few days lol.

 

Your writing is good.....and he didnt make you fearless, you did. His support simply nudged you along.[/QUOTE]

 

Lovnlost-

 

I spent ten minutes at the card aisle in Target, trying to find the right card...but I did lol. I really have no expectations, I wouldn't be upset if he doesn't contact me, only if he says something mean. I just feel good about this, not for any possible outcome but because we were friends first and I should still he able to say a simple "happy birthday" I think. Idk if he does say something mean, then I'll just have to hate him and move on. Sigh!

 

And thank you again for the poem compliment, writing is my passion.

 

Please keep us posted if she does contact you or not on your bday.

[singme2sleep]

Sometimes I almost feel like it will be sad when I'm finally over my ex (if ever) because that means it is all really over. Somehow, this overwhelming sadness is keeping me connected to him in some way, and once that is gone, there is nothing. I was trying to explain this feeling to my mom, but she did not understand. I wonder if I am just crazy in this feeling or not explaining it well? Or maybe it is something similar to your feeling that you owe it to your ex to not be with another woman...somehow that is keeping a connection between the two of you alive in your heart.

 

misswillow-

 

You are def not crazy, I know exactly how you feel...unless we're both crazy?!?!

[singme2sleep]

 

Singme2sleep, your poem is lovely, and very sad.

 

misswillow-

 

Aww thank you! I have pages and pages of them now unfortunately...

[lovnlost]

Got no bday text from her. Was kinda hoping for it even though I was originally dreading it. Guess I feel more now that she isnt really thinking of me in a manner i hoped for. Thats a bit discouraging. But there isnt anything I can do about it. Perhaps she still resents me or thingds are going really well with her newbie. Dont know and am trying not to care. Moving forward......

[singme2sleep]

So I'm still planning on sending the card, towards the end of the week. And I was thinking about what misswillow said about having expectations. Actually the only expectation I have is a negative one. He could get the card but then contact me to say he appreciates it but is content being alone blah blah blah. Which would def crush me, though I guess then I'd be forced to really accept its over and move on. Do you guys think I should expect that kind of response or just keep my thinking neutral? Is it possible that things are getting better for him but he'd still rather just be alone (knowing that I love him) ??

 

 

Lovnlost- I'm sorry that you did not hear from her on your bday. But I'm sure she was still thinking of you, even though she didn't reach out. Hang in there!