LoveRaymond Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Just had a really good debate in another thread and found that there are many different views on at what point it becomes classed cheating. Your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Hiding or lying about emotional or physical interaction with someone other than your spouse/partner/S.O. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Anything you feel like you need to hide from your significant other. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 I posted this back in 2011 It remains the same. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LFH Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Anything you feel like you need to hide from your significant other. This has always been my definition. If you can't or feel like you shouldn't share it, unless it's for a good reason (like a surprise birthday party) you shouldn't be doing it. I also think that the definition of cheating should be defined by the participating couple together as well, because just because I may not view somehing as cheating my partner may view it differently. Examples where I think gray areas come into play in this are: online interactions porn etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 This has always been my definition. If you can't or feel like you shouldn't share it, unless it's for a good reason (like a surprise birthday party) you shouldn't be doing it. I also think that the definition of cheating should be defined by the participating couple together as well, because just because I may not view somehing as cheating my partner may view it differently. Examples where I think gray areas come into play in this are: online interactions porn etc. I would agree with that definition. It covers a broad spectrum and is a great barometer. If it feels wrong, then it is cheating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 When you share something with someone other than your partner that you don't come home and tell them about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beyond Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Anything you feel like you need to hide from your significant other. This would be my definition also Link to post Share on other sites
beyond Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Some believe that if he's not married, it's not cheating... An unmarried man is fair game, some say... Is that what you believe too Sweetiepie? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 Some believe that if he's not married, it's not cheating... An unmarried man is fair game, some say... I don't know anyone who says that. Who do you know who says that? Link to post Share on other sites
love1336x Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Cheating is when you send naked photos to another person who isn't your lover. Speaking words of "I love you" to another person. Sex. DURR. lol. Cheating i believe comes in big shapes, and forms. Whatever is betrayal to your heart is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
love1336x Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Some believe that if he's not married, it's not cheating... An unmarried man is fair game, some say... Eh, this is true, if the man is willing to get with another woman, then it is fair game. Can't force a man to stay faithful to you if he doesnt want too. Link to post Share on other sites
SimonSerenade Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I think when your with someone your heart should hold a place for that person and only that person so any feelings, flirting or actions with someone else is cheating, heck I can't even watch porn without feeling bad, maybe I'm just weird or maybe I'm overly committed, whatever I am, I'm honest and true to the person I love and that's good enough for me Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Just had a really good debate in another thread and found that there are many different views on at what point it becomes classed cheating. Your thoughts? Knowing the rules, agreeing to the rules, choosing to deceive others into believing you are observing the rules while flouting the rules for personal gain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
briansprincess Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Anything that you find yourself having to hide from your significant other. You should not have to hide or lie about anything. Physical contact to me is not the only form of cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
travelonic Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 How many of you would consider it cheating if your significant other was talking to someone outside of your relationship about their unhappiness in your relationship? What if they were talking to an old friend? What if that friend was the opposite gender? This is amazing to me that talking can be considered cheating. Do people not discuss their relationships with others outside of their relationships? Do people not have discussions about their sex lives (not detailed, just a general "no, we aren't having sex" or "yeah, I'm happy with our sex life" kind of convo) with their friends? It's not so much talking, but the what, the how detailed, how often combined with things like whether they have a crush on that person that often causes the trouble, just IMO of course. Having friends - even opposite-sex friends as "just friends" IMO is not a problem - it's the having that + having feelings for them + going around your SO, and derailing the current relationship becoming involved with this person that becomes a real issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 When you share something with someone other than your partner that you don't come home and tell them about. I may do this at work all the time, issues with coworkers, issues with my job duties that I may not discuss with him. Not because I am hiding it but because I either forget, don't feel like rehashing it etc. Like I am very frustrated with a person in another department that I am dealing with right now that is a pathological liar. You cannot get this person to tell the truth and she will flip her stories to make you go down the crazy train! So she is annoying the crap out of me right now and I have vented to a few people but I may not with him when I get home because it just isn't worth discussing. It is over and done with and no point getting fired up again when I am at my peaceful sanctuary of home. But seriously I am right now envisioning her head just POPPING off. Just Pop! Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 It will vary by couple and couples should have these discussions. So for us, it has become a pretty tight perimeter on things. We have pulled back from opposite sex friendships as we didn't have any at this time that needed to be "grandfathered" in. We will keep marital issues to ourselves, we try and limit any negative speak about the spouse with other people and try and address with each other or a therapist. We will have one person we will talk to that we know is very supportive of the partnership/couple and not just one sided. But to constitute as cheating and not just inappropriate behavior, it would be physically touching or emotionally connected to someone in a romantic or sexual manner. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 1. Saying anything to someone of the opposite sex (or same sex if that is your preference) that you would not say to your spouse or significant other. Mostly that of a sexual nature. 2. Any type of porn that includes interaction (ie video chatting, sexting, etc) 3. Kissing, fondling, penetration, oral etc with someone that is not your spouse/significant other. 4. Saying ILYs or lets run away with someone. More to come as I think of it. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 How many of you would consider it cheating if your significant other was talking to someone outside of your relationship about their unhappiness in your relationship? If it was a very occasional thing and seeking advise, I would not consider it cheating. Although I would prefer they talk to a friend/relative of the same sex. What if they were talking to an old friend? Not so much of an issue as long as they are also willing to discuss the same matters with their spouse/significant other. What if that friend was the opposite gender? It would be a friendship that I would watch closely...as those conversations eventually lead to the slippery slope. And I am not going to lie....it would hurt. This is amazing to me that talking can be considered cheating. It depends on the conversation and how they end. The biggest part is the context of the talking. Do people not discuss their relationships with others outside of their relationships? Yes we do...but most of us all talk with our spouses. And I think the point that most people are making is that if the conversation is not something you would in front of your spouse or with your spouse....you should not be having it. Do people not have discussions about their sex lives (not detailed, just a general "no, we aren't having sex" or "yeah, I'm happy with our sex life" kind of convo) with their friends? With my female friends yes....being that I am female. I don't exposing all his sexual flaws and such to any men I know. And I think that is the biggest distinction everyone is trying to make. see bolded. And to elaborate....if I ever heard or saw him talking with a female friend in this nature and not addressing the issue with me....she would be gone. Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 It depends upon what a particular couple defines as "cheating". It could look very different for different couples. To me, cheating is any interaction with a member of the opposite sex that you feel you need to hide from your spouse. Sure, one can have opposite sex friends, but the minute one feels a need to hide it, there is a problem. I have a few friends who are guys, my husband has a few friends who are ladies. we all know about it, and no one hides anything. The thing to keep in mind is that it's based upon whatever "rules" that a particular couple has, and whether or not the spouse is cheating is not open to definition from a third party. in other words- if person A and person B are in a realtionship, there will be certain things that they will consider cheating. Whatever those may be is up to them, and will vary couple to couple. Now if person C comes along and interacts with person A, it's not up to person C to say if it is cheating or not. it's up to the two people in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 Like Potter Stewart said about porn, it may be hard to define but I know it when I see it. And whether or to what extent it lines up with anyone else's definition, other than my wife, doesn't matter a bit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 I wish there was a word for the "gray area" because so many people are doing that these days, and it's really not proper to classify them in the same "cheating" department as an in-person emotional or physical lying affair. I was in the gray area (emotional online long distance age difference relationship - but telling my spouse all about it. Including what I said to him, what he said to me, etc.) Had my ex made stronger objections than just making a face or expressing worries, I don't think I could have continued. But he had no spine until being with someone else grew him one. I had rationalizations for doing what I was doing (bad ones, to be sure) and no boundaries. So that's the gray area. In return, he starts a full blown emotional, later physical affair. But he now tells people we BOTH CHEATED! And I feel that's a lie. I crossed boundaries, but I never lied to him and he knew the whole time what I was doing. His revenge affair found him in love with his AP and so he divorces me. That's not really the same footing. He had a chance to object. I never had that chance, because he lied throughout. Has anyone anywhere come up with a word for my end of things? I'm certain I was wrong. I'm certain it was the wrong thing to do. But I can't in all honesty say that I "cheated" because telling the truth gave him something I did not have. Which, by the way, I will never do again. Certainly my self-esteem has suffered and I hate the old man I was talking to as well. He was self-serving as well and certainly never cared about my future, nor the morals of either of us. So what's the word for the gray area??? The only thing I can come up with is "privatized web porn", but it was more than that. I was being mentored in other areas of life, including some good advice in my marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 To me, cheating involves any form of sexual contact (including snogging). I don't buy the concept of illicit conversations/emotional attachments to other people constituting cheating, but I do think that they increase the likelihood of cheating (as I define it) in the longer term. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 (edited) When two people (at least one of whom is already in an established relationship) are carrying on a secret relationship and it begins to assume primacy in some way over the established relationship - whether emotional or physical. Physical cheating is straightforward (no sexual contact, including kissing, with someone who isn't the primary partner, unless it's all agreed to openly by both). But when it comes to emotional cheating, I'm kind of with GT on this - I think there's a grey area between teetering on the precipice of cheating and actual cheating, but I'd know it when I see it. It's when the AP becomes the person in whom the WS confides most, or the WS chooses to invest more emotionally in the A, including sharing things about the WS/BS relationship that the BS believes in confidence wouldn't be shared, or the WS is sufficiently invested in the AP that s/he feels the need to hide and protect that relationship from the BS - well, that's cheating, IMO. I think the one agreement one enters into in a relationship (whether marriage or not) is that you are essentially agreeing not to compromise it or undermine that bond by introducing another, secret bond. There is a question of "who matters most" - whose feelings are more cherished and protected, who gets the bulk of the positive energy, who basks in the warmth of the regard. WS in an emotional affair may not (immediately) realize that they have crossed that line - but when they do, they know it, and it's quite obvious how that damages the core relationship. This definition obviously is fluid enough to account for open relationships and polygamous relationships - what matters is the secrecy and the respect (or lack thereof). There's a thread in the infidelity section right now asking BS what they found most damaging about their partners' affairs - the vast majority cited the WS' lying as creating the most lasting, long-term damage. There is a powerful sense of betrayal in that, even if it's less obvious than a physical betrayal. Edited October 25, 2013 by serial muse Link to post Share on other sites
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