well, I'm out.

[vivi]

Thanks to everyone here for sharing their stories. Every angry, or embarrassing, or vulnerable, or bewildered, or vengeful, or backsliding or inspiring tale...every single one, is valuable and helpful. No matter how embarrassing or unique our stories feel, we are not alone. And no matter how unique the dynamic feels that we are living in our relationships with MW's or MM's....it is really the same dynamic:

-Interests don't lie

-When people show you (not tell you) what they are, believe them. Or suffer the consequences.

 

So. Nearly seven years and many thrills, chills and spills later, I'm done. I got hit with the reality stick in a way I can't ignore.

 

It was Valentine's Day that did it.

 

Work had dried up for him but he wanted to meet for a hot cocoa in my neighborhood at 2 p.m. A Valentine's Day celebration, although he had to leave at 7. I was used to him leaving around then...we had "matinees" with a good "chunk of time" when he could swing it. It was OK to just have a hot cocoa, too - it was one of "our things' because we didn't have much cash. And he did give me $150 for airfare to his New Orleans house for Christmas, and I had told him if he needed it for his light bill he was welcome to it. Often he would come over and I'd have a nice meal for us - it all evened out and I liked to cook. No biggie that we weren't at a restaurant.

 

But this time....

 

2 o'clock became 3' o'clock. I got hungry and put some food in the oven. He called with updates - he was waiting for a check from a client! The mail was late! blahblahblah...so 3 became 330 and I told him to just come over. Which he did. Two hours late. We had some wine and I gave him a little book and he gave me a card, and said, sheepishly, "My client's check didn't come and my check for my phone bill will bounce. You've offered before...could I have $100 from my gift back? If I get to the bank before 6 o clock that will cover it. I'll give it back to you! I'll be back in 10 minutes."

"Sure," I said, "but your bank is 12 blocks away."

"No, there's a bank I can use nearby," he said. (Huh?)

 

But the loving and supportive OW gave him the cash - he returned pretty quickly - and we had a nice meal he praised to the skies. Later, he had his head in my lap and we were talking....and he looked at my clock and said, "I have to leave soon."

 

He can be 2 hours late meeting me but he's got to leave me right on time.

 

"You can leave now," I said.

 

He said something about how it was a film thing (he is in video) and it started on time; he couldn't get out of it and we'd have a nice time the next day. I said, "Leave." No kiss goodbye. Just a hot coal in my heart, different from other coals at other times.

 

I called him an hour later and said, "I feel lousy that it's okay to be two hours late to see me but you have to leave me right on time." I don't even remember how he replied. He actually called the next day about getting together. I don't remember what I said except "I ****ing hate you."

 

I didn't answer the phone for a few days after that - and he called several times a day - but I do remember that 'the film thing" became a 'dinner' he couldn't get out of. He will never cop to it, but I believe he took back his Christmas gift to me to take his wife out for Valentine's Day. How do I know? He insisted on sending me the money back...but he said he mailed me cash. If he wrote me a check he would be revealing the lie.

 

It took several long, miserable phone calls for me to get this man to realize our relationship is over - the sexual one, at least - and that I would prefer not hearing from him for a while. I explained in great length how I finally and completely understood, right down to the bottom of my soul and the depths of my heart and the pit of my stomach - that I had been fully invested in a complete fantasy. He was never going to leave his wife. I was never going to be anything more than second best. And I was done with lying to myself that it was enough.

 

And when he tried to tell me about all the great times we were going to have I said, "What is going to be different" and got. Silence. And that's the second time the reality stick hit right between my eyes.

 

And this mook actually tried to bargain with me. That "team marriage" had some good things but most of it was drudgery and boredom and just being in the same room with someone else, and how he saved the best part of himself for the time with me. (He doesn't live with his wife).

 

What an *******.

 

I can't for the life of me understand what he gets out of calling me every day. Sometimes I answer the phone, sometimes I don't. But when I do I make sure I ask about his wife. He has made his choice and I am not going to ever, for a second, allow myself to get sucked in again. I sometimes ask him why he's calling me and he says something about how he still cares. I don't know how to respond and I am open to suggestions.

 

I confess that the person I am angriest at is myself. I am ashamed that I was willing to give this man so much - and he was willing to take everything I offered (and it was a lot) and more - with so little to offer in return - and I was okay with that for so long. I am ashamed that I lied to myself for such a long time. But I am through lying to myself now. I don't know who I hate more - him or me.

 

Thanks for your attention.

[TigerCub]

I'm so sorry Vivi.

 

It does hurt to see things for what they are when the fog clears.

 

I completely understand that self anger. I hated myself for allowing myself to accept lies when in the back of my mind I knew things didn't add up. I had so many regrets for so many things.

 

I say, be proud of yourself for finally choosing that you do deserve so much more than being the side dish. Be proud of yourself for saying enough is enough and that you will not get sucked in again!

 

The only thing I can advise is that you stop all communication with him. Because as much as you are angry and hurt right now and you have all this resolve to not be an AP anymore, if you keep talking to him, I fear that he will charm, lie, weasel his way back in.

 

Good luck to you

[Tenacity]

Thanks to everyone here for sharing their stories. Every angry, or embarrassing, or vulnerable, or bewildered, or vengeful, or backsliding or inspiring tale...every single one, is valuable and helpful. No matter how embarrassing or unique our stories feel, we are not alone. And no matter how unique the dynamic feels that we are living in our relationships with MW's or MM's....it is really the same dynamic:

-Interests don't lie

-When people show you (not tell you) what they are, believe them. Or suffer the consequences.

 

So. Nearly seven years and many thrills, chills and spills later, I'm done. I got hit with the reality stick in a way I can't ignore.

 

It was Valentine's Day that did it.

 

Work had dried up for him but he wanted to meet for a hot cocoa in my neighborhood at 2 p.m. A Valentine's Day celebration, although he had to leave at 7. I was used to him leaving around then...we had "matinees" with a good "chunk of time" when he could swing it. It was OK to just have a hot cocoa, too - it was one of "our things' because we didn't have much cash. And he did give me $150 for airfare to his New Orleans house for Christmas, and I had told him if he needed it for his light bill he was welcome to it. Often he would come over and I'd have a nice meal for us - it all evened out and I liked to cook. No biggie that we weren't at a restaurant.

 

But this time....

 

2 o'clock became 3' o'clock. I got hungry and put some food in the oven. He called with updates - he was waiting for a check from a client! The mail was late! blahblahblah...so 3 became 330 and I told him to just come over. Which he did. Two hours late. We had some wine and I gave him a little book and he gave me a card, and said, sheepishly, "My client's check didn't come and my check for my phone bill will bounce. You've offered before...could I have $100 from my gift back? If I get to the bank before 6 o clock that will cover it. I'll give it back to you! I'll be back in 10 minutes."

"Sure," I said, "but your bank is 12 blocks away."

"No, there's a bank I can use nearby," he said. (Huh?)

 

But the loving and supportive OW gave him the cash - he returned pretty quickly - and we had a nice meal he praised to the skies. Later, he had his head in my lap and we were talking....and he looked at my clock and said, "I have to leave soon."

 

He can be 2 hours late meeting me but he's got to leave me right on time.

 

"You can leave now," I said.

 

He said something about how it was a film thing (he is in video) and it started on time; he couldn't get out of it and we'd have a nice time the next day. I said, "Leave." No kiss goodbye. Just a hot coal in my heart, different from other coals at other times.

 

I called him an hour later and said, "I feel lousy that it's okay to be two hours late to see me but you have to leave me right on time." I don't even remember how he replied. He actually called the next day about getting together. I don't remember what I said except "I ****ing hate you."

 

I didn't answer the phone for a few days after that - and he called several times a day - but I do remember that 'the film thing" became a 'dinner' he couldn't get out of. He will never cop to it, but I believe he took back his Christmas gift to me to take his wife out for Valentine's Day. How do I know? He insisted on sending me the money back...but he said he mailed me cash. If he wrote me a check he would be revealing the lie.

 

It took several long, miserable phone calls for me to get this man to realize our relationship is over - the sexual one, at least - and that I would prefer not hearing from him for a while. I explained in great length how I finally and completely understood, right down to the bottom of my soul and the depths of my heart and the pit of my stomach - that I had been fully invested in a complete fantasy. He was never going to leave his wife. I was never going to be anything more than second best. And I was done with lying to myself that it was enough.

 

And when he tried to tell me about all the great times we were going to have I said, "What is going to be different" and got. Silence. And that's the second time the reality stick hit right between my eyes.

 

And this mook actually tried to bargain with me. That "team marriage" had some good things but most of it was drudgery and boredom and just being in the same room with someone else, and how he saved the best part of himself for the time with me. (He doesn't live with his wife).

 

What an *******.

 

I can't for the life of me understand what he gets out of calling me every day. Sometimes I answer the phone, sometimes I don't. But when I do I make sure I ask about his wife. He has made his choice and I am not going to ever, for a second, allow myself to get sucked in again. I sometimes ask him why he's calling me and he says something about how he still cares. I don't know how to respond and I am open to suggestions.

 

I confess that the person I am angriest at is myself. I am ashamed that I was willing to give this man so much - and he was willing to take everything I offered (and it was a lot) and more - with so little to offer in return - and I was okay with that for so long. I am ashamed that I lied to myself for such a long time. But I am through lying to myself now. I don't know who I hate more - him or me.

 

Thanks for your attention.

 

Your post made me cry. It was so much like what I felt, and you put it into perfect words.

 

I understand the pain that you are in. I beg you to please not hate yourself.

 

It has been about the same amount of time for me that you have gone through as well. You didn't ask a specific question in your post, or request specific advice. I would love to communicate with you one on one, if you wish. Just let me know.

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.

[Mount]

From your story and telling background, you seem to have been involved with him long, but how long, if I may ask?

[Catplates]

YOu've had the 'light bulb" occasion. Be grateful and do not waste any more years on this miserable pratt.

 

It will not be easy but the peace of mind is invaluable. You will no longer be settling for "good chunks" of time. I did it for almost 4 years and it was soul destroying.

 

Cat.

[BetrayedH]

I sometimes ask him why he's calling me and he says something about how he still cares. I don't know how to respond and I am open to suggestions.

 

Why take his calls at all? He's shown you that nothing is going to change (except that you'll be denying him sex for a while). Does he still deserve your time and attention to boost his ego? He's used you and you're going to remain friends? You invested 7 years into this and it went bust. Why keep investing in it?

[vivi]

Yes, he used me but there was a bit more than just that going on, I think. He was there for me on some very significant occasions and in a big way - he's not a total dirtbag - that's what confused me for so long. I must correct you, though - if this affair went bust, it went bust in the first year. The rest of the time was just me investing in a fantasy. I would like to salvage something positive from this experience and not drop some good times down the memory hole - that is what I am wrestling with. Do I think he will try to weasel his way back in? Yep. That's why I ask about his wife every time.

[vivi]

thank you, Cat.

[Elfie]

vivi - I am sending you a huge hug for strength - your experience sounded alot like mine, except I had these light bulb moments every few days, sent him lots of texts, rambling about how he was using me, that nothing ever changes, analysing everything he did, trying to work out if he meant what he said or jsut BS, always weedling his way back in using kindness, promises, hugs, kisses or sometimes just wearing me down mentally, when it was easier to give in - and honestly, each time, every few days this went on for 8 months, he would always talk me round. He lives opposite, so I see the family events, the wife, the car, lifestyle etc and like you I invested in a fantasy. That is a good and realistic way to describe it. I believe that he was all I am worth and several days into NC I am still in tears and trying to avoid him.

 

I am so sorry you put so many years into this.

 

Please please please believe me when I tell you, as other OP's say - do not continue any form of communication, he will more than likely try to worm his way back into your head/heart or both, and continue to confuse you. Try to get through the early days, but I wish you so much strength, but DO NOT beat yourself up if you take one step forward and 2 steps back, this has been a huge part of your life, and it will take time to adjust.

 

Stay on LS each time you feel you need a top up of the strong stuff (kindness and help)

 

***Hugs***

[vivi]

Thanks, Elfie. Right now I'm pretty calm, considering. I think my mood is helped by understanding that I am not missing all that much - a 6 to 8 hour a week 'matinee", a daily phone call or two. The hurt comes from mourning the loss of possibility, all those lovely but unspoken dreams that someday SOMEDAY I'd measure up or something, the loss of whatever limited companionship he offered (I'm pretty solitary)...the death of hope, and the feeling that there was someone out there who really knew me and cared for me. He knew me because he pays attention and takes good notes. He cared for me in some selfish way that had more to do with the ego boost he got, the support and comfort, the validation, the advice and the sex. He would tell me he felt "protected" with me. I guess I must be pretty angry somewhere inside because for once I don't care what his story is, I don't care if I never see him again, and right now I don't care if I never date again (which is a possibility because I'm over fifty, underemployed and living in NYC where women outnumber men by a huge margin). I don't frigging care. I just have to figure out my next move and do it but I find it hard to motivate myself. I do know I need to leave my apartment because I don't want to feel like I'm waiting for him to call me. Screw that.

[vivi]

..Right. I'm off to buy a new pair of jeans. Retail therapy!

[ComingInHot]

vivi, "Yes, he used me but there was a bit more than just that going on,"

 

Absolutely there is more going on. If there weren't, I'd question your sanity.

You must cre GREATLY for this MM, & he must care for you also otherwise he Never would've ever been there for you in ANY other capacity.

 

It sucks when we know there is More but realize it's not enough.

 

I've read and have seen couples part, not because they didn't love their partner but because it just wasn't enough.

 

Stay strong & live well*

[BetrayedH]

Ok, so he wasn't a complete asshat except in the things that matter most. The question remains. What does continued contact do for you, him, or anyone?

[vivi]

well, I got a great pair of jeans, so I've got that going for me.

 

Why do I continue to take his calls? Well, a week after VDay, I had to go to the ER. Rather than risk contacting some friend I see once a month or so, I called him - and he met me in the ER. Stayed for two hours to watch my bags while I puked my guts out in the bathroom every 15 minutes. I let him go after I finished being sick, because he had to pack for an out of town trip but I appreciated that he came.

 

I was admitted to the hospital and he's called - the only person besides my brother - every day to see how I am doing.

 

I should probably visit some of the other boards because my friendship network needs a tune up - I've been very solitary for the past few years and I seem to have lost the knack for friendship - but in the meantime, if I need someone to help me in a jam, it's the least he can do.

[Elfie]

Thanks, Elfie. Right now I'm pretty calm, considering. I think my mood is helped by understanding that I am not missing all that much - a 6 to 8 hour a week 'matinee", a daily phone call or two. The hurt comes from mourning the loss of possibility, all those lovely but unspoken dreams that someday SOMEDAY I'd measure up or something, the loss of whatever limited companionship he offered (I'm pretty solitary)...the death of hope, and the feeling that there was someone out there who really knew me and cared for me. He knew me because he pays attention and takes good notes. He cared for me in some selfish way that had more to do with the ego boost he got, the support and comfort, the validation, the advice and the sex. He would tell me he felt "protected" with me. I guess I must be pretty angry somewhere inside because for once I don't care what his story is, I don't care if I never see him again, and right now I don't care if I never date again (which is a possibility because I'm over fifty, underemployed and living in NYC where women outnumber men by a huge margin). I don't frigging care. I just have to figure out my next move and do it but I find it hard to motivate myself. I do know I need to leave my apartment because I don't want to feel like I'm waiting for him to call me. Screw that.

 

vivi - glad you bought the jeans girl!

I can completely identify with being solitary, I live and work alone and have been single for 13 years after a violent and unfaithful H, followed by a far worse relationship. You feel as though you have someone who is there for you, but I do think you would benefit from extending your social network (as I would too) but allow yourself time to grieve - you're right when you say you're mourning the possibility of what could have been.

 

I think that many OW's are caught mentally, in the belief that "one day" things will be different and that is what MM rely on to keep you where they want you, not where you want to be.

 

Allow yourself to go through the stages of loss and make some affirmations. Write them out and pin them where you can see them, to keep them in mind. think of a picture of where you'd like to be in 6 months or a year, visualise it every time you get quiet time and aim for it. If you fall off, just start afresh the next day.

 

Extend your social circle in your own time, don't try to put too much on yourself at once as that might be too great at this time, but google affirmations ad visualisation and write the script YOU want for the rest of your life.

 

(Now I just have to quit crying and take my own advice!!

***Hugs***