Married to a formerly promiscous woman

[A game]

My wife and I have a beautiftiul relationship. We are totally honest with each other on any level and have the best sex I have ever had in my life. Recently we talked about our past relationships and partners. Big mistake! Some questions should never be asked I think. Well we went on to ask just how many sexual partners each other had, I had to lie just to have half the number she had. I will spare you the details, but there is nothing she hasnt done sexually and with multiple partners at times. We are totally faithful to each other now and this all happened before we were married. Why is it bugging me so bad now? Many times I have wanted to talk to her about it and tell her it bothers me, but dont want to come off the wrong way or seem that I am looking down on her now. She is the mother of my children for Christ sake, so I dont want to hurt her. How do I get over this?

[emra]

You are right, sometimes it is better not to know. I have been with a lot of people, not so happy about it. However, my boyfriend has been with maybe 4. I knew this a long time ago about him. I will never tell him just because I know that it would bother him too.

How to get over it, Trust that you love one another. Everyone has a past, if the 2 of you are happy and in love. You got what the rest of them didn't have.

I know with me, I was going from one guy to the next to try to fill some thing I felt I needed inside, instead, I ended with a past I don't care for. You gave her something the rest of the people didn't have.

[A game]

I hear ya, and thanks for the reply. I dont judge her or anyone else for that matter. I know we have something special that she has never had with anyone else. I dont like to think of myself as a shallow person, I actually despise them, but its hard to shake the way I feel now. We are both very sexual persons but I cant help but think about the different sexual acts we enjoy together she has also enjoyed with someone else. Fact of the matter is I know now about her past and cant change that, but it sure bugs me.

[Samson]

Why is it bugging me so bad now?

 

I don't know. We all have a past, not all of it is pretty.

[A game]

You know what, you are abolutely right. Its all in the past now. However I have not layed on my cards on the table about this. She wants to bring another woman into our sex life. Years ago I would have been estatic about that, only problem now is I think, (there I go again) that maybe she wants that lifestyle she use to have before us? Maybe I am alittle intimitaded by her honest sexuallity. In any case I want to get over this and get on with our lives. Man, these few post have really helped alot.

[emra]

I think the idea really makes you insecure. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Like I said before, you love one another and you need to really make sure the 2 of you trust one another. There is nothing wrong with adding a little more to your sex life. You would probably really enjoy it.

[Samson]

She wants to bring another woman into our sex life.

 

Oh dear,

 

Well, I'd FORCE myself to bite the bullet and try it a couple of times,........... maybe a few times.............................OK, maybe a dozen or so times or MORE before I condemn the idea!

[A game]

Emra, I think you are right. Actually I know you are right, I would enjoy it. Its just bugs me, when we talk about it I can help but think how she has done this before and I havent. I mean she has done this with another woman and a man, and with two men on many occasions. She is very sexually expirienced and she has a vivacious healthly appetite. We are very honest with each other and she even told me I am the only man to ever give her a vaginal orgasm (whatever that means, I just thought an orgasm is an orgasm) but still feel intimidated for some reason. She says that we dont have to bring another into our bed and wont if i dont feel comfortable, however I do want to please her and hell, I want to try it too. I just need to straighten things out in my head to know where I stand I guess.

[Jacksin]

If your relationship is as strong as you say it is why would she want to slip back to her old ways of multiple sex partners??

 

Boy you have sure opened a can of worms here!

 

If I was you I would do my best to forget her past, forget about bringing another woman to your bed (as I think this will get you wondering what is to come next, a man, 2 women, 2 men?) and get on with your lives together.

 

If you cant get over her past and it continues to fester you may well have to move on

Jack

[supermom]

I think it is awesome that you two are really honest with each other, even if it does hurt, at least you do know.

 

Also, with regards to her past, kind of makes me think that she had her times, sewed her wild oats so to speak, and seems as if she is now ready for the married/mommy life. No shame in that. She had her wild days, and now her married days.

 

I think its healthy to be that honest with your spouse. I'm sure it bothers you, talk to her about it. If not though, you will have to accept the fact the the past is the past.

 

Good luck

[emra]

Jacksin,

I don't think it is slipping back to her old ways, You make it sound like she has a disease of alcoholism or being a drug addict. There is nothing, I don't care what your past is, wrong with adding to your sex life. As long as both people communicate and you are honest and trusting of one another.

This does not mean it is opening a "can of worms" I have been with both women and men in my life. Just because, I want my girlfriend to be involved openly now, does not mean I am going to go back to being the way I was.

Give them some credit here, She WAS honest with him. She has asked if they could bring someone else, a female, in, and if he was too uncomfortable, then hey no big deal. That is communication, that is fully knowing that hey this might be too hard for him. Give them some credit.

[cuzinmike11]

I've seen similar patterns, similar women, who sowed their wild oates with so-called "bad boyz" only later to settle down with a nice guy. Settling down fulfills them for the short term and then they are longing for the thrills of yesteryears.

 

I would be very cautious about your marriage, you are walking on hot coals.

[A game]

Emra you are a big help. The other comments i dont mind cause the dont completely know me or my wife. mike is way of course with this one. thanks anyway

[A game]

my fault, i should rember to glean through some of the misinformation.

[A game]

but it sure sounds to me that women are being stereotyped and classified for there actions by some people here, and arent allowed to change cause thats the way it is. I think that is wrong.

[reservoirdog1]

When I got together with my TBXW, almost 12 years ago, she was the first woman I'd slept with. I knew that I wasn't her first; sometime in the first year or two, I found out that I was her sixth. One of them was a guy I'd since become social with. (He's now one of my closest friends.)

 

But, here's the thing... it never bothered me. Or, I should say, for the moment or two that it DID bug me, I reminded myself firmly that what she did before she met me was her business, and manifestly not my business. I had no right to be bothered by her past -- she was with me now.

 

(Of course, what she did DURING the marriage... that bugged me, all right. And largely killed the marriage, at least from my perspective.)

 

IMHO, promiscuity, like sex, is itself value neutral -- it's neither good nor bad. Sex is a function -- the circumstances determine whether it's good or bad. It can be done foolishly, i.e. without precautions, and/or immorally, i.e. with cheating, with children, or without consent.

 

So, as long as your wife has been totally faithful to you since she's been with you, the mere fact that she's had a lot of sex partners before you shouldn't automatically give you cause for concern. I agree with whoever else said it; in many ways, she's probably gotten most of her experimenting ouf of her system. The part about wanting to bring another woman into your sex life is something you two should discuss maturely; just don't assume that the fact that she brought it up with you means there's trouble down the road. Just be sure to communicate honestly and totally with her at all times. Be clear about what's acceptable to you and what's not. And, if she's interested in the idea of a threesome to spice up your sex life, then make it your mission to spice it up in other ways. Just be creative.

[emra]

I find it very sad that these people say these sorts of things.

1st, if it were a guy that was like that, it would be acceptable.

I used to always go for the bad boys. I would never go back to that.

Just because someone wants to add to a relationship, does not mean they are planning on going further back to where they came from.

 

I am very happy with the guy I am with now. He adds more to my life then any of them ever did.

[cuzinmike11]

Rarely does a tiger change its stripes. I'd try to ascertain as much information about a person well before a marriage (or engagement) not just after we got married. That's my 2 cents.

[jeff2705]

We have been married for 7 yrs, and began swapping with other couples about a year ago . . .. we are very much in love, and thought about this a lot before doing it.

 

We both were very active with multiple partners before marriage . . .maybe this is a way to relive some of that without cheating, etc . . .anyway it's been good for us . . it all depends on how you look at it.

[Moose]

A Game,

 

I'm not taking anyone's side on this one. The reason her past bothers you so much, IMHO, is that you're insecure that someone else made her feel better than what you are capable of doing. It'll always be in the back of your mind that someone else made her scream in pleasure where you only made her moan. You need to forget about that and move on. Sure, it would be nice to be the man who pleasures her more than anyone could, and perhaps you are. The thing is that you give her far more now. You are the love of her life, and that is the most important fact to her and should be for you too.

 

As far as introducing another woman into your sexual activities.....don't do it. You're leaving yourself wide open for her to approach you, (well after you agree to have a WMW), and ask for a MWM!! Unless you're comfortable enough to allow another man into the activities, do not allow another woman. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Really, I personally don't agree with 3 in the mix at all. I have had the opportunity and I will not go for it. Some people think I'm supressing my wife's desires, I'm actually protecting my marriage.

 

These are just my thoughts though, do what you wish, I wish you good luck, and wisdom.

[ShareHer]

a game,

 

Did you ever stop to think that her sexuality and wonderful sex drive are a byproduct of having all those other partners? You'll never know what she would be like in bed had she been a virgin when you married her but I'm willing to bet that they helped her to be a more sexual creature ... something that you're reaping the benefits from.

 

I'll never forget when my wife and I were still dating and I asked her about her past sex life. She seemed so conservative to me but when she told me things like how she did 2 guys one night or how she and her girlfriend took turns with a guy, it turned me on so much that I just had to have her. I just wish she still did those things!

 

Anyway, talk to your wife about your concerns. Allow her to confirm her love for you and make you feel comfortable about your relationship. Talk to her about her fantasies and her real world desires. Have her explain her feelings. If you're ok with that, set some ground rules for adding another to your sex life. And if you two do decide to add another woman to the mix, why not consider adding another man as well?

 

I would give up my left arm (I could still masturbate with my right) to have my wife ask me for the things your wife is asking for. Have some fun!

[Fritz]

I'm surprised you didnt' ask her about her past sex life before you guys got married. To me thats something that would probably come up before one makes a serious commitment like marriage. I'd put her past in the past, what matters is her actions now with regards to you.

 

Anyway, only do the 3 way thing if you truly feel comfortable with it and you both feel the trust is there between you. Also, be prepared for "the **** to hit the fan" as it were if things go wrong. As moose said, it might lead to other avenues you aren't interested in but she is, etc.. As for the whole "leopard doesnt change its spots thing", only you can judge that aspect with your wife but don't automatically discount it either.

[evagreten1]

This is a time where you just have to be strong. You either want to do it, or not. If you do, then you have to stop all the insecurities and go ahead with it and never recriminate her for it. If you don't want to do it, then tell her to face up to the fact that she got married to you, that she never mentioned this before and that you got married to her on the condition you would be exclusive with each other. And she has to deal with that, full stop.

 

Don't let your insecurities push you into something that will only hurt you. Threesomes NEVER work, well, VERY VERY rarely. They cause so much psychological damage because people can't handle all the insecurities that naturally come afterwards.

 

There is NOTHING to feel insecure about when it comes to her past relationships. So what? It's a matter of maybe someone travelled more than me, maybe they have a better pay then me etc etc, the same with sex. She had more sexual partners than you, so what? Life is made up of more important things than feeling competitive/insecure like that. Who cares?!!! She chose you, not anyone else. And she chose to settle down with you, not to carry on having sex with lots of people. This should make you feel secure.

 

Which ever way you decide, stick to your decision and don't feel bad about it!

[dixieman]

It would be better to dwell on the positive aspects of the outcome: your beloved has been responsive and truthful, she has shared intimacies usually hidden, you have rescued her from past. Her response should be met with gratitude; openess and honesty should be welcomed. Dwelling on whether you should have made the inquiry and labelling it a mistake doesn't get to the real issue. The problem is one that can be overcome: your immaturity and failing to appreciate her candidness and failing to open the door to a much greater intimacy. Her past consensual sexual activities are part of her, you should embrace and relish the joy to be found therein. Otherwise you will never escape the small world of petty jealousy about this or anything else.