I have trouble controlling my temper

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am not even sure if it's the temper issue or impulse control. I know that there are situations where I can't seem to hold in my anger so I tell a person what I think of them, very bluntly, even at work.

 

In general, I am pretty nice and pleasant and can tolerate people's BS to a certain extent. But when someone crosses the line one too many times, I let it all out. Things that I say in those outbursts are things that I do mean, I just find that most people don't behave that way.

 

Part of it is maybe my culture. In my home country, people are more passionate and let their true feelings show. I find that in western countries people seem to err on the side of politeness, and being calm and in control, even if that's not how they feel.

 

Of course, the problem is, I don't fit in as well here. At work, I have those outbursts few times a year where I would get so pissed off at someone that I would rise my voice, tell them off and often slam the door. They would be kind of stunned and not expect this of me. They probably see me as crazy... Afterwards, I don't apologize because an apology would feel fake, I just go about things as normal. Those people are (often) weirdly nicer to me after....but who knows what they are really thinking.

 

I guess I either say nothing or say everything and there is no moderation. Other people seem to handle conflicts more diplomatically. In my personal relationships, this comes out even more because emotional stakes are higher and it is definitely a problem.

 

Any advice?

Edited March 3, 2013 by Eternal Sunshine

[betterdeal]

What's the problem? It's not clear from what you've written what you want to achieve.

 

Less outbursts or less feeling the need to react strongly? Maybe speak up sooner than you currently do. Most people will listen if you state clearly and plainly what bothers you. Rather than building up resentment for a variety of offences, objecting to them as they occur (or shortly after) with a view to finding an amicable solution is likely to reduce the need to have an outburst later.

 

Also bear in mind other factors that may be affecting your mood and therefore your reaction to others. Are you tired, hungry, upset? Do you have PMS? Letting people know you're out of sorts can help them to know to lay off pressure.

[Eternal Sunshine]

What's the problem? It's not clear from what you've written what you want to achieve.

 

Less outbursts or less feeling the need to react strongly? Maybe speak up sooner than you currently do. Most people will listen if you state clearly and plainly what bothers you. Rather than building up resentment for a variety of offences, objecting to them as they occur (or shortly after) with a view to finding an amicable solution is likely to reduce the need to have an outburst later.

 

Also bear in mind other factors that may be affecting your mood and therefore your reaction to others. Are you tired, hungry, upset? Do you have PMS? Letting people know you're out of sorts can help them to know to lay off pressure.

 

Basically, I want to have better control of my emotions and not to react as strongly.

[xxoo]

Betterdeal asked a lot of good questions. Does this happen any more often when you are tired or hungry?

 

Are you tolerating too many small offenses (out of conflict avoidance, or niceness) until resentment builds up and you explode?

[Kamille]

In general, I am pretty nice and pleasant and can tolerate people's BS to a certain extent. But when someone crosses the line one too many times, I let it all out.

 

 

 

I second Betterdeal's advice, precisely because of the above quote.

 

The way I see it, what happens is this. What you call people's BS is people acting/thinking in ways that differ from how you would act or think. It's a pretty common human occurrence. If you speak up earlier about misunderstandings (because that is what it boils down to), you will leave yourself open to understanding why the other person is not behaving the way you would. You also open the door to reach a healthy compromise.

 

If possible, read up on assertiveness. I've been trying to voice my concerns earlier instead of letting them build up and it has really improved my relationships, my confidence. It has also diminished my anxiety. Really worth it, IMO.

[betterdeal]

Basically, I want to have better control of my emotions and not to react as strongly.

 

For me, the first step to a better relationship with my emotions (i.e. being able to make choices as to how to react to them) started with understanding what they are. The DBT self-help book, "Don't let your emotions run your life" was brilliant at explaining what emotions are, and what purpose they serve. It also has a lot of ideas for how to deal with them, and methods for dealing with other people.

 

I often identify with the problems you describe. I recommend you look into DBT; it was certainly helpful for me.

[carhill]

Any advice?

 

That distance traversed between the emotion and the tongue or fist can be managed in a number of ways. It's possible to respect your style of 'honesty' without 'losing your temper'.

 

I learned this from having to care for a person who totally lost any sort of 'filter', indicated by 'distance traversed'. Whatever reality that was in the brain, however disconnected with the outside world, came immediately to the mouth or fists (or feet). Understanding that person for decades before the change helped me to better understand the process in myself. Psychological counseling helped further.

 

Good luck.

[Woggle]

Learn how to speak what you feel while still keeping your composure. I have mastered the art of telling somebody to eff themselves in the nicest and calmest possible. You don't need to lose it in order to stand up for yourself.

[carhill]

Oh, another aspect relevant to processing; care less, both about the person and their words or behaviors that you're experiencing. Irrelevance doesn't matter. One chooses what they allow to matter and what and who they care about.

[Feelin Frisky]

Anger is chemical. You can only understand that to a limited extent. The issue is how do you change your chemistry where-from you have a choice as to how to feel and in what proportions. If your temperament isn't so bad as to get you into serious trouble or get in the way of achieving a higher social and economic status you may just want to try the anger management routines that are out there and/or read the book "betterdeal" suggests. If you find yourself dwelling on what pisses you off and acting out to your own detriment, you might want to see a psychiatrist for a while and see how it feels to balance your chemistry so that you don't dwell on things and think of smart ways to prevent hostilities without kissing ass. That's what I have had to do because I'm naturally tuned to "over-think" and "over-feel" and can't seem to just out-think my emotions. The medication I use is transparent--I don't feel it at all controlling me or sedating me, on the contrary it sharpens my focus and gives me choices I can't seem to see otherwise. I look at it this way: I'm not sick, I'm just sick of wasting time being angry. Good luck with your choices regardless.

[carhill]

FF makes a good point about the chemistry of emotion. Chemistry also acts on the filters and processing of those emotions. Essentially, that whole thing which is causing the issue and impelling the sharing of it here is one big electro-chemical machine. Sometimes stuff in the machine changes. Witness the 'liquid courage' of alcohol. Witness any form of diagnosed organic brain disease. Etc, Etc.

 

What I found to really help, when feeling a 'red tape' coming on, is to take it out of the box, look right at it and ask myself how important in the big scheme of life that tape is. Usually, such a moment of processing causes a laugh to ensue. I still can 'feel pissed', but the processing changes the result. Then I deal with it from a different, more balanced perspective. The red tape gets put away. It's there as a reminder that life is imperfect, as am I. Life goes on.

[EasyHeart]

I have trouble with my temper, too.

 

But it's not my fault. If people didn't piss me off so much, I wouldn't have to yell at them.

[FitChick]

Could be hormonal.

[buddyrodhes]

Try to be a little more front with your 'true' feelings instead of using reverse psychology because maybe the loved ones aren't too keen on how to tell without you actually expressing it. Just a thought.

[Emilia]

What I found to really help, when feeling a 'red tape' coming on, is to take it out of the box, look right at it and ask myself how important in the big scheme of life that tape is. Usually, such a moment of processing causes a laugh to ensue. I still can 'feel pissed', but the processing changes the result. Then I deal with it from a different, more balanced perspective. The red tape gets put away. It's there as a reminder that life is imperfect, as am I. Life goes on.

 

That's a very good point, just like betterdeal's earlier: it's self-awareness and recognising emotions as indicators of something deeper - as opposed to allowing them to overwhelm us uncontrolably.

[venusianx13]

Maybe I can help.

Scientifically speaking, when we become angry, it becomes chemically impossible to reason/rationalize, which is why we often say and do very destructive things while we are angry if we don't take some time to put distance between ourselves and the object of our anger. The first few times we walk away, rather than do what we feel is our natural impulse (to yell, scream, slam, etc), are the hardest. But once we've pushed through and done it those first few times, it becomes easier. Ideally, it would be nice to not get angry in the first place. That's a bit harder and forces us to change our perspective and REALLY rewire our thinking a bit. Basically, in a nutshell, it's to realize that we are ALL at the mercy of our delusions. Delusions = not being in touch with reality as it TRULY exists. That person who pissed us off, who suddenly turned into an ogre with no good qualities, whose sole mission is to bring harm to us and anger us DOES NOT EXIST. If we check, in time, once our anger has left (and that's what feelings do, they arise and they disappear), that ogre we were mad at has also disappeared.

 

Hopefully I've made some sense; I realize I took this to a very deep level.