Such thing as getting over Someone that you love?

[Alison]

I didn't think this could happen. I was with my boyfriend for 2 years, and he broke my heart and then blamed the whole thing on me. After almost 4 months I think I am getting over him.

 

But here is what I am wondering....Do you think people really do realize they weren't meant to be and they move on, OR do you think that people just go so long without that person that they once loved, and they just forget through time how it once was.

 

I think part of me is forgetting how I felt when I saw him, how I felt when we talked, etc...... How do you guys feel about this???

[uriel]

I've loved two men passionately in my life and lost them both. It's like this -- You always love that person at some level. And each love is different, so a new love doesn't replace the old one. But, eventually YOU change. You're not exactly the same person who loved that other person in a particular moment of your life and growth. He changes too. So, even if you see that person again -- say 10, 20 years from now -- there's fondness and affection, but usually not the same intense connection. That goes. It even gets eroded by break-ups and betrayals, putting distance between the idealized love you once shared and what it's become.

 

Now, every great once in awhile, two people who see each other years later find they not only still have physical chemistry (that's not uncommon), but also a real profound emotional connection. They both need to have grown in the same direction -- one that's mutually complementary. Life experiences tend to reshape people, so you can see why that might be rare.

 

You won't really know what will happen in your case. If you'd like, you can always hold on to that hope of someday if it's in the stars. But, for your healing right now, I think it's better to consider that there are many good possible matches out there for you, ones who will fit well with your later stages of development, and maybe one who can continue to grow and be a part of your life longterm. If it isn't this love, it will be another. It won't be the same kind and quality of love, but it will be good and you will be content.

 

-- uriel

[boomerbabe2004]

I read your post. I think I have a lot to say about this one. I was with a guy for 2 years. I completely sacrificed who I was for him while we were together. I ditched my friends and devoted myself to him and making him happy.

 

I was blinded by love I didn't know he cheated on me all the time until one day he broke up with me out of nowhere. Then I found out my "best friend" hooked him up with another friend of mine. So, the only love I had ever known had let me down.

 

It has been over a year now, and I can honestly say that I am over the first love of mine, but I will never forget him. A year later and wiser, I still have TONS of relationship issues and haven't found anyone with whom I connect. So what do I do? I blame him of course, because that is the easy way out.

 

I still call him on drunken nights and ask "WHY did you do this to me? I was perfect to you." But, now I have learned that maybe it wasn't really anymore his fault then mine. I cannot stress enough that although I will never truly forget what he did to me, I honestly can say I have gotten over him, just not the way he treated me. Hope I helped.

[goonage]

I'm only at the very begining of my first major break up, so I can't really speak from experience here. I'm imaging that part of it is slowly forgetting about the person, and your life together. What I'm finding is that time seems to go so slowly for me, and I'm constantly reminded of what has just happenend.

 

It's almost impossible to not think about it much isn't it? I can't remove the thought that "I simply cannot believe we are together anymore" but I try not to think beyond that. Otherwise I go in to the whole "what if" situation.

 

I wish I was 4 months ahead in time from now. Then I could feel different myself, and hopefully not have a life worth sh*t.

[ziggue]

This story reminds me of one of my friends. She gave up a lot for a guy as well. Her friends, her freedom on a certain level (it was like everytime she went out with us she got in trouble for it and had to make up lies to cover up what she had done that he didn't approve of too make him happy). That's blinded by love.

 

Even had a baby too him. At the start of the year.

 

Still that didn't stop the guy from cheating on her. With somebody that he worked with. I think. That is so scummy.

 

Guys don't relize what they have sometimes. .

 

Hopefully she will learn her lesson.

 

You are not the only one who has been through something like this.

[goonage]

That is pretty scummy alright. Do you think it is easier to get over someone who cheated on you or someone who didn't?

[ltomlinson81]

My opinion is that getting over someone who cheated on you is harder. This is because you don't breakup because you don't love that person anymore, but because of what they did. It is much easier to get over someone you don't love anymore.

[ALISON]

I disagree, I think it is a lot easier to get over someone that cheated on you, compared to someone that didn't. My ex of two years cheated on me, and I broke up with him, even though of course I still loved him. But everytime I got upset about it I thought to myself he cheated, I can not trust him ever again. And the saying once a cheater always a cheater I believe is very true.

 

On the other hand my most recent ex, also lasting two years broke up with me. He did not cheat on me and I did not cheat on him. I am trying so hard to get over it, and there are times where I just wished that he did cheat on me, this way I could just think to myself I can't trust him, and there is no future. Instead I think he is still a good guy, and I don't understand what went wrong. Although he never cheated he did however lie to me, about the stupid things. I caught him twice, and then after the break up found out some more lies he would tell me. Just recently the last time we talked on IM I asked him about those lies, and he basically said he couldn't talk to me about it, and I was diffucult. I do not think these are good excuses. Of course there is really no good excuse for lying.

 

It hurts, it hurts more then anything. In my mind I had this perfect guy that I put on a pedastole (spelling sorry) and the person that I feel in love with, a person that I still love just never existed. He lied to me about the stupid things, and I know deep down that through time those lies would get bigger and bigger. But since he broke up with me and blamed the whole thing on me, sometimes I feel like his excuses were justifiable.

 

Sorry didn't mean to ramble on, but I think it is a lot easier to get over someone who cheated. Here is a nice story that I like to tell. My ex who cheated on me, I was with him for 2 years. I caught him cheating, and we broke up. About one year later he calls me (he was still with the girl he cheated on my with) he called me up crying telling me that she just cheated on him. It just doesn't get any better then that.

[Splatty]

ALISON

 

bout one year later he calls me (he was still with the girl he cheated on my with) he called me up crying telling me that she just cheated on him. It just doesn't get any better then that.

 

I'm not saying it was a good thing he cheated on you, but damn that must have felt good.

[rockie]

Hey, im new to this forum, but i noticed your all talking about a subject that hurts me more than anything in the world. im 17, but dont say i dont know how 2 love, or what love is, caus earlier this year i truly believe i fell in love. Its 6 months on now n im still in love with that person. i broke up with a long term bf of mine to be with me, n when we broke up i was devastated so me n my bf got back 2gether. Now, i've seen him again after 3 months n everything is coming back. n everytime i even think ive got rid of them, they come back, but on someone else. its causing problems in my current relationship, please please help, i dont know what to do about anything anymore

[sttak]

I'm not a member of this forum, but was going through it, and can really relate to this topic. I was with my boyfriend for a little over 11 months, and for the last 3 months it had been long-distance, as he moved away.still, things were going great. one day we got into a silly fight over the fact that I woke him up while he was sleeping (pft, talk about immature), after which he went out and got extremely drunk, and slept with another woman. he didnt tell me at first, but after he did it a few more times, and ignored me for 2 weeks... he finally called me up and tried to appologise.

He also managed to blame everything on me,and said that I had changed since he left and that he needed his space and I wasnt giving it.. i found that odd because usually I would e-mail him every 2nd-3rd day, and call about twice a week.. isnt that enough space?? he said he was sorry for what he did, and yet if I wasnt willing to accept that kind of behaiviour, HE would break up with ME! It broke my heart, because I had been inlove with him for a very long time before we started dating. I gave up everything for him, completely cutt off with my ex, who was like a bestfriend to me, stopped talking to half my friends because he didnt like them, and faught with my family constantly because they felt he wasnt right for me.

It took me a very long time to get over him.. and It really killed me from inside. I cried about it for days.. and went into depression.

But, soon after.. I started going for aerobics, and swimming, started learning a new language.. got really involved in my work and started hanging out with my old buddies.. I got up, out of bed, and really started LIVING life. I went on road trips with my girlfriends over the holidays.. and just let go.

Its been 2 years now, and i'm engaged to one of my bestfriends in the world, my old ex, who I got back intouch with.. and am extremely happy!!!

I just want to end this by saying, to all the women who are facing heart break, get back on your feet, theres always a brighter day.. and someone who deserves you MUCH MUCH more then the fool that played you!

[Lariveter]

My ex-boyfriend (with whom I am still in love) made up stories that people were talking about me sleeping with my boss. He accused me of cheating on him. I NEVER EVEN SO MUCH AS HUGGED ANOTHER MAN ROMANTICALLY WHEN HE AND I WERE TOGETHER. We both worked for the public library. I begged him again and again to believe in me. I fell to my knees (literally) and pleaded with him. I was so blinded by my hurt and confusion that I went to the director of the Library and demanded an investigation to find out who this person was. I didn't find out until afterward that HE was the one making things up about me. I had even tried to stop the damn thing, but it was already in motion by that time and I couldn't stop it. Sometimes I'm glad it happened anyway, because I don't think he would have told me the truth. There were no people, he made the entire scenario up. To make matters worse I ended up in this bizarre three-party situation where his ex-girlfriend/best friend who used to be my boss, had called me at his house one morning and accused me of trying to "break them up" because she behaved cooly toward me . . . almost as if she still harbored some feeling toward him. I'm sure they latched on to the idea of me screwing my boss because I had called him and asked him if he would vouch for me if I quit my job because I was so scared that my boyfriend's ex (also my boss) had called me and was obviously unprofessionally jumping on my ass for coming between her and this man I fell in love with. She even led me to believe that there was a person spreading these stupid rumors about me. I have only had one real experience with love in my life and it's been the worst thing that's ever happened to me. What's the point of trusting someone when they just make **** up to hurt you? I'm having such a hard time getting past all of it because so many of the things which happened between us were childish and needless. I feel so cheated. All I wanted was to be with this guy and instead it turned into a damned dramafest. Getting over him is all that much more difficult because I work right across the street from him. After I quit the library I was unemployed for a time and finally found a job. And of course, it's right by where he works. I hate waking up. I have been trying to drink myself to death but always find a way to wake up. I don't have the guts to kill myself, but I sometimes wish I would put myself in more situations where there's the possibility I might be killed. I just want to stop feeling this hurt all of the time. Common sense tells me we were probably just not right for each other . . . then why do I still have all of this love inside for his dumb ass? I have no one to talk to and so now here I am posting on an internet board.

[goonage]

That sounds really rough Lariveter - suicide is not an option alright! I've felt ****ty too - everyone does after a break up - but there was a guy in the small town I live in who killed himself a few days ago, and only a year or two before another guy who I knew well killed himself. It makes you think...and it's just not worth it. It's a horrible thing to do. It achieves nothing. You've a long life ahead of you to resolve things. Move away, find a job somewhere else - there is a better life out there.

 

I know you obviously went through a real pissy situation, but not everyone is an a**h***. I remember thinking I wish I was put in situations where I might have some kind of lethal damage inflicted upon me (i could never kill myself either, I wouldn't have the guts!), but screw that. It's not worth it - christ, why should you suffer because someone else was an a**h***?

 

You must have someone you can talk to? Family, friends? A counsellor?

[Lariveter]

I tried to send you a private message but was unable to. Anyways, this is an anonymous posting board.

 

What a difference a day makes. Something very strange happened to me yesterday. I went to my ex's job and waited for him after work. Not in some weird psycho/stalker kind of a way, but I just waited and asked him if I could take him home. We talked and it was cordial and helpful. I asked him not to treat me like a stranger or the plague and he said he wouldn't. I also found out that he's been seeing someone he met and that things seem to be working out pretty well thus far. I also found out though that the woman who came between us is starting trouble for him . . . I don't want this for him. For some reason I am so incredibly happy for him that I can't really find a way to explain it. I just know that I want him to find something that will kill the bitterness and distrust he felt so eager to use in our relationship. No one should live that way. I want him happy and glowing. I'll always love him. I'll love him when and if I'm 70 and alone. I'll think of him and the way he made me feel and of course I'll wonder "what if?" But he's turned the page, so now I have to try and do the same and find the woman that existed before he hurt me. The kind of woman who would talk to strangers, dance on street corners, and revel in the sunlight. I want that woman back and for some weird reason finding out that he's found someone who is making him happy has made me want to go in search of that old me. I still hurt something awful and wonder if I'll ever be able to trust again. I'm not the kind of woman guys clamor after, so I feel like I'm not really left with many chances to meet someone special, but maybe that someone special I'm supposed to meet is me. I feel refreshed. I finally understand what it means to have "a new lease on life." You're a sweet person for responding to my rant and telling me something I guess I've always known . . . no one is worth losing yourself over. No one. Makes for great Shakespearean theatre, not so good for real life.

[goonage]

No problem Lariveter. I read your post and thought I had to say something. It might seem hard in reality but easy in words, but it is absolutely something that can be achieved. You'll get better with time - everyone does. If no one ever recovered from these situations, the population would probably just die out - and it's not doing that - it's getting bigger

 

You'll find that woman again - she'll come back, and you know it. About your ex - well, actually I'm going to refer to my ex here to explain. I went through a series of emotions - still loving her to hating her to not really caring either way and so on. It comes and goes. I would imagine you'll go through the same. I wouldn't try and fight those emotions - if you feel like hating him, then hate him for a while. I think everyone needs to do this to heal. After a while the thought that you aren't together won't bring about the same strong feelings...and, perhaps its then that you know you've made real progress.

 

Chin up, right? It's never too late to meet that someone special. Life is long - there's plenty of time

[EC]

Somebody once told me

 

"In life you only truly love once..and if it doesn't work out you learn to love someone else"

 

I don't know if I believe that yet..I still have a lot of life left to live.

[Naive]

Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd

"In life you only truly love once..and if it doesn't work out you learn to love someone else"

 

Wow those are some strong words.

[Gothicmisery86kt]

[font=times new roman][/font][color=black][/color]

 

I know how you feel. My b/f of 3 years broke up with me. Also he told me he was gay. Its been about a 1 1/2 months. And the wounds are still fresh. I know i will always love him because he was my first true love. I hope in time i will get over him. So what i am going through is wondering if all the time we were together was it real or a lie and can someone change that fast because he siad he been feeling like that since september.

 

 

 

"Let it go. All the name calling, who did what to who is just a blame game. Did he love you? It doesn't matter. All that mattered was that you loved him. Your love was genuine and real. That's all that matters. That love can never be taken away. Part of it will always be with you"