Don't know how to split up

[stuckinuk]

First let me say I've been a reader on and off for a while, though mostly off I will admit. I'm hoping that I can get some practical advice on how to end my marriage.

 

We've been together for about 16 years, married for 13. I will state up front that I think my issue is that I do love my wife and don't want to hurt her, but I'm not IN love with her. Unfortunately I think it's been this way for quite a while now, I've always just found it easier to ignore it in the past.

 

I'll try to keep this to the crib notes version, but feel free to ask anything at all if you want more information.

 

I come from a broken family and I think part of the reason I've ignored things is I didn't want to fail and also that I didn't want to see conflict in the relationship. I've always tried to avoid fights and arguments at all costs. I guess in some ways I've been a doormat in that sense. For probably the last 7 or 8 years I've thought that being married to my wife has been a mistake and for the most part I've been quite unhappy.

 

One of the reasons (besides being afraid of confrontation) that I have avoided a breakup is that I've worried I'd regret it. That after the breakup I wouldn't be happy at all and feel I had made a mistake. A situation came up mid-last year where my wife had to return to our home country for 4 months, so we were out of contact besides email and the occasional phone call. I have to say that 4 months was the best 4 months of my life. I was so happy, felt so free, able to do whatever I want (and no, before someone asks I didn't cheat or get involved with anyone, I just really enjoyed being "single" in the sense that I didn't have the responsibilities of marriage).

 

When she was due to come home, I had a conversation with her around my unhappiness, she pledged that things would be different in a number of ways and for a while I was pretty hopeful that this new honesty in our relationship would make it work (in hindsight I guess it wasn't full honesty, more like an awareness of some of the issues). It was only a couple of weeks into her return however before I realized that her coming back was probably a mistake. She had certainly been trying to change things and I give her full marks for that, but I realized that I'm probably just not IN love with her anymore, as much as I care about her. In the time that she's been back I've been in a perpetual state of unhappiness. We have had a couple of conversations on the matter that have gone very bad. We came very close to ending it, but I caved in and said I would continue to try. Before I caved in she cried, had panic attacks, threatened to kill herself, self harmed herself, then went really angry at me, back to crying and panic attacks, back to angry, and repeat. Finally I gave in and said I would let her continue to try to make things better, but in my heart I know that I just don't feel the same way.

 

My wife has always been too dependant on me in my opinion, always telling me how I'm everything to her and that without me she'd be nothing and how her life wouldn't be worth anything etc. I do believe that she honestly feels this way and I've always tried to discourage it, but then there's that lack of confrontation thing. I was never firm enough I guess in forcing her to get a job, keep up tasks around the house, and so on.

 

One of the other huge things that I haven't brought up is children. My wife is a few years older than me and cannot have children. I knew this going into the relationship and due to my family history I was ok with that, I didn't think I wanted any, but now I'm really feeling that pull of wanting to have a child. Even if it was possible, my wife is now past the age of being able to reasonably have children and the adoption route isn't feasible (plus if I'm not in love with my wife should we really be adopting?), but it is reasonable that if I were to find someone a few years younger than me I could have children with them. I've not brought this up as it will completely destroy my wife. We touched on it quite a few years ago and it was very bad then, it will be even worse now.

 

When returning from her time away my wife was so happy to be back and said she could never go that long being away from me again. All I could think of was how much happier I was when she was away.

 

Yes, I'm probably a horrible person. I'm going to hopefully start seeing a psychologist or counsellor in the next week or so to start addressing some of these things, but thought I would try here too since this seems to be a great community full of a lot of helpful people.

 

I just want to be happy, but I don't want to destroy my wife. Like I said, I do love her and care about her, I just don't want to be with her anymore. The thought of living the next 30 years of my life feeling unhappy like I've lived the last 7 (with the exception of that 4 months of happiness) fills me with despair.

 

Any help would be appreciated tremendously.

[Yasuandio]

Happiness is within you to make, not another person or situation. You just want to trade up. You think that will make you happy - but the shine will wear off of that one too. You are about to destroy your wife out of your own selfish wants and desires. Once you leave you marriage, you will not be satisfied. If you would give your wife the attention and affection you give your pipe dreams, she would make all your wishes come true. The girl senses your distancing and is tramatized, spinning, scared. What do you expect?

 

This "I love you, but am not in love with you," is pure BS. Go, go trade up, get it over with - don't stretch it out any longer if you have your mind made up. If you love her, why toture her any longer?

[stuckinuk]

I'm not interested in trading, at least not at this point. Possibly some point in the future I'll want to get involved with someone, but also quite possibly not. I just want to be alone, to be responsible for myself only. Selfish? Yes, probably.

 

"Just ending it" could possibly cause her to further harm herself, or even cause her to attempt suicide. I don't want that.

 

I agree that happiness is within. I just don't think I can do it, or it would be right to do it in the context of my marriage. If I want to go away for a week, it wouldn't be appropriate to just go without my wife. If I want to move, take a new job, etc., all those things are decisions that couples take on together, but I don't want that any longer.

 

Edit:

I suppose love her but not in love with her is a bad way of putting it. A better way would say I do care about her as a friend, and I want her to be ok, but I'm just not in love with her anymore.

Edited March 3, 2013 by stuckinuk
added after thought.

[Yasuandio]

Want, want, want. Me, me, me.

 

You don't have to go anywhere to find hapiness. This is all about you.

 

Marriage is about "we." You made vows. OK. Your backing out, and you just want to move into the "friendzone." Right. Fine. You don't know how to split up? This is how you do it:

 

Step 1: File for divorce.

 

Step 2: Leave.

 

Now, get it over with, Mr. Stuckinuk. Have you taken you wife to a doctor to be evaluated? If your wife needs medical attention or needs to be hospitalized, you are responsible for getting that taken care of right now. If she is suicidal, call 911. Obviously, something is wrong somewhere with that situation. If she has been a stay at home wife, it is your responsibilty to continue supporting her until she is well, and is able to train for employment. Any Judge would order that.

[jf2good]

I have just one thing to really say. Thank god there are no children involved. Now for the standard line, have you tried marriage counseling first or even personal counseling before you came to the conclusion you need to leave or divorce.

[stuckinuk]

I'm not interested in moving into the friendzone, but it doesn't mean I want to destroy her either. She was hospitalized many years ago (pre us) for suicidal issues. It may be a bit harder to get her the help she may need now that we are no longer in North America and the support system there, but I will look into it.

 

I have no problem paying alimony at all and ensuring that she is taken care of. I don't care about the financial aspect of it. We might not be rich but we have enough that each of us can live off of it easily enough.

 

Yes, it is me, me, me. For the last 7 years it hasn't been about me at all. I can't continue like that, or at least don't want to.

 

As mentioned I'm going to try and get into counseling this coming week. My wife has always been against it as she doesn't trust them - afraid they will tell me to leave her, afraid they mess with peoples minds, so I'm not going to tell her I'm going.

 

If there was a way to be happy and stay I'd take it (and maybe there will end up being a way who knows), but I've been trying that for a lot of years now and feel like I've tried as much as I can. To me it just seems we've grown apart with different interests and different goals.

[aMguilts]

stuckinuk

if anything from your name i take it you are in the uk? and if so, we have a much better medicinal care than the u.s have...

 

have you been to see your doctor about the way you are feeling?

You are suffering from depression

 

Your wife is against it for her own reasons, thats ok.

Doesn`t really help you thou does it. she`s not being supportive, and i`m betting THAT doesn`t help you 1 bit either?

 

"I'm going to try and get into counseling this coming week"

Have you been to see a doctor?

 

aM

[aMguilts]

Want, want, want. Me, me, me.

 

You don't have to go anywhere to find hapiness. This is all about you.

 

Marriage is about "we." You made vows. OK. Your backing out, and you just want to move into the "friendzone." Right. Fine. You don't know how to split up? This is how you do it:

 

Step 1: File for divorce.

 

Step 2: Leave.

 

Now, get it over with, Mr. Stuckinuk. Have you taken you wife to a doctor to be evaluated? If your wife needs medical attention or needs to be hospitalized, you are responsible for getting that taken care of right now. If she is suicidal, call 911. Obviously, something is wrong somewhere with that situation. If she has been a stay at home wife, it is your responsibilty to continue supporting her until she is well, and is able to train for employment. Any Judge would order that.

yas , sometimes you can be too hard

 

aM

[Yasuandio]

Just forget it. You are clearly not on the fence. You left the marriage a long time ago. You made it clear you want out. There is no partnetrship - no "we." Looking for validation? That it is ok, understandable what you want and desire? No way. You mission is heartless and cruel. I wish your wife had the strength and my voice to speak up, and you would pee your pants.

 

Oh, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, broken childhood, unhappiness in marriage, I want a children now. Adoption isn't feasable, like duh? You want to move, take a new job, things couples do together? Yes, BUT "you just want to be alone" while your doing those things. "different interests, different goals." Right. That part rings very true.

 

You love her but you're not in love with her. Then you rephase, "I do care about her as a friend, and I want her to be ok, I'm just not in love with her anymore." And now you say you are "not interested in moving into the friendzone." Oh, dear. I think I agree you. Perhaps you should disappear yourself into the Twilight Zone instead. Your wife will be much better off not laying eyes on you again.

 

Why is your wife in panic, and suicidal? Does it have anything to do with YOU? How long have you been holding your marital discontent over her head? What are you talking about - your going to get into counciling next week. What a joke. The only councilor you need is an attorney to draw up the divorce papers. It is damn pathetic that you are thinking about counciling for yourself when your wife is experiencing anxiety, panic attacks, and is suicidal. OMG how selfish you are. This really grosses me out.

 

Man up, stop fooling around and break it off with your wife, get your wife medical attention right away, file, and put her out of her misery.

[aMguilts]

at least give him time to reply??

aM

[stuckinuk]

You are correct, I did give up a long time ago, hence the title of the thread. I'm trying to make this easier for my wife but that may just not be possible. Regardless of how it may come across I'm not trying to be a horrible a** and destroy her over it as we have shared over a decade and a half of our lives together.

 

And I'm not looking for sympathy by bringing up my past, only trying to maybe add some color into why I end up dealing with it (or more appropriately not dealing with it) poorly. Millions of people come from broken homes, I'm no different than them. Some carry some baggage into their adult relationships, some don't.

 

And yes, my wife wanted to move to the UK two years ago and I thought it would help fix some of the issues we have, but it seems they followed us here as I probably should have assumed they would. I will have to look into how to get a doctor here as we've not used any medical services since coming here.

 

There may be some depression there. I do know that I was very happy when she was away though and in a healthy relationship that shouldn't be the case.

 

I have suggested on many, MANY occasions for years that she / me / we go to counseling but she will have nothing of it. She is just dead set against it as she believes people should solve their own problems. I don't agree so I'm going to go get counseling myself regardless of what she thinks.

 

I do care about her, a lot. Is that love? Maybe, maybe it's not. All I know is I don't want to see her self harm, and I don't want to see her kill herself. At the end of the day I doubt she will want to be (or be able to be) friends with me, and that certainly makes me sad but I understand it will likely have to be that way. I want her to be happy, but I want to be happy too. I want to somehow make this easier on her which by extension makes it easier on me of course but believe it or not her well being is my primary motivation here, not mine.. I think it's unrealistic that we continue like this with me being unhappy for another 7 years or 14 years or 30 years, so maintaining isn't the answer. Also, rightly or wongly I've given up. I don't see how the last 7 years can be erased, but who knows. I suppose I could "man up" and just pack my stuff and leave, but what would your advice then be if she were to kill herself? Besides it would likely be easier for her if she were to move home. I know that I am looking to do the same when this finally concludes (if it does, who knows what counseling will say).

[stuckinuk]

Oh and the marital discontent thing.. Probably inappropriatly I've done the best I can to hide my unhappiness. I've tried to make sure that everything she's ever asked for or wanted she has got (except obviously a good husband). To make up for how I felt I was failing at the marriage I ensured she had the jewelry, the trips, the clothes, the cars... Supported her schooling and her career, supported her working as little as she wanted to (couple hours a week).

 

To make up for my failings as a husband I tried to overcompensate everywhere else, which obviously wasn't the right thing to do, but I did try to make her happy the only way I thought I could at the time.

[Yasuandio]

Firstly, if someone is intent on killing themself, and they have the means to do it, there is nothing you can do if someone is not there to alert the authorities. As strange as it sounds, commiting suicide is against the law, at least in the US.

 

Therefore, if you are in her presense, and she threatens suicide, or you believe her to be suicidal, your responsibility as a husband and citizen, at least in the US, is to contact authorities. It doesn't matter if she doesn't want to get help. Authorities deal with this issue all the time.

 

 

It is truely regretful that you allowed her mental health to decline to this point. It is time to pony up the dough for in-patient treatment. Maybe your councilor can advise you. You must be honest with her - so she can face facts during treatment. If she does injure herself, or kill herself, there is nothing anyone can do but put her into treatment, or into a grave. This is very sad. The time to have really started helping her face reality is long passed due. My position remains the same on all matters. Finially, I think it is excellent that you would agree to pay alimony and support her recovery during this difficult time. That gives me hope. Please get help for her right away. Yas

[thefooloftheyear]

Just forget it. You are clearly not on the fence. You left the marriage a long time ago. You made it clear you want out. There is no partnetrship - no "we." Looking for validation? That it is ok, understandable what you want and desire? No way. You mission is heartless and cruel. I wish your wife had the strength and my voice to speak up, and you would pee your pants.

 

Oh, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, broken childhood, unhappiness in marriage, I want a children now. Adoption isn't feasable, like duh? You want to move, take a new job, things couples do together? Yes, BUT "you just want to be alone" while your doing those things. "different interests, different goals." Right. That part rings very true.

 

You love her but you're not in love with her. Then you rephase, "I do care about her as a friend, and I want her to be ok, I'm just not in love with her anymore." And now you say you are "not interested in moving into the friendzone." Oh, dear. I think I agree you. Perhaps you should disappear yourself into the Twilight Zone instead. Your wife will be much better off not laying eyes on you again.

 

Why is your wife in panic, and suicidal? Does it have anything to do with YOU? How long have you been holding your marital discontent over her head? What are you talking about - your going to get into counciling next week. What a joke. The only councilor you need is an attorney to draw up the divorce papers. It is damn pathetic that you are thinking about counciling for yourself when your wife is experiencing anxiety, panic attacks, and is suicidal. OMG how selfish you are. This really grosses me out.

 

Man up, stop fooling around and break it off with your wife, get your wife medical attention right away, file, and put her out of her misery.

 

Sorry...but am I the only one who thinks you are being too harsh??

 

There are so many levels to a successful relationship that just because the person"is a nice person" doesn't necessarily mean that the other person has to overlook everything else. The OP obviously has issues that are bothering him, he is entitled to his opinion/feelings.

 

TFOY

[aMguilts]

Sorry...but am I the only one who thinks you are being too harsh??

 

There are so many levels to a successful relationship that just because the person"is a nice person" doesn't necessarily mean that the other person has to overlook everything else. The OP obviously has issues that are bothering him, he is entitled to his opinion/feelings.

 

TFOY

 

no , you aren`t

 

aM

[aMguilts]

Oh and the marital discontent thing.. Probably inappropriatly I've done the best I can to hide my unhappiness. I've tried to make sure that everything she's ever asked for or wanted she has got (except obviously a good husband). To make up for how I felt I was failing at the marriage I ensured she had the jewelry, the trips, the clothes, the cars... Supported her schooling and her career, supported her working as little as she wanted to (couple hours a week).

 

To make up for my failings as a husband I tried to overcompensate everywhere else, which obviously wasn't the right thing to do, but I did try to make her happy the only way I thought I could at the time.

 

You are doing everything for her but in the wrong ways.

You are doing everything for her, but you do nothing for yourself

 

your the one that needs help, not her. The way SHE is behaving is just a byproduct of the way you are being i`e `waste` ( see what i`m saying?)

 

WHY TRY AND HIDE YOUR UNHAPPINESS???

 

go see your doctor

 

somehow i get the feeling that you are ashamed to admit that you have a problem and so you overcompensate in your making things `right`?

 

aM

[stuckinuk]

That really hits the nail on the head. For a very long time I've been trying to ignore it and try to make her happy (as you said in the wrong ways).

 

I guess my dislike of conflict has stopped me from really expressing just how unhappy I am.

 

Pretty right on the money that I'm ashamed of it all too I suppose.

 

Now how to unravel it all...

[health]

That "I love but I'm not in love" is the corniest phrase on earth! Lol been around since the eightees and will be used going forward. Either lover your wife actively or leave, your decision, your consequences.

[stuckinuk]

I had my first individual counseling session today and it was excellent. We didn't even get up to the present in very much detail, but instead filled in a lot the back story and history. There were even a couple of insights that they had that made me re-frame or re-analyze some of my thinking on things I would have thought were complete unrelated, but likely are not. There's going to be some tough introspection I think, but I'm really up for it as I'm just so tired of being unhappy.

 

They even hit the nail on the head that I was looking for a way to get out of my current situation without feeling like I'm to blame for everything and that it's all my fault.

 

Still a long, long ways to go but I'm feeling really good that I've taken that first step to getting my life back. I can't wait for my next session. I'd go tomorrow if I could.

[Fawkes]

I have only just found this forum and have read your thread, as it relates somewhat to my own situation, and felt I had to chip in as a counter to all the negativity flying around in here.

 

You say you love your wife but are not in love with her. You also talk about a history of mental health difficulties and that you are stalling on making the Big Decision because of these two issues. I wonder if you are mistaking a strong sense of responsibility for love here? I wonder if your relationship hasn't become (or perhaps always was) one sided, with you shouldering responsibiity for your wife's fragile mental health and she being quite happy for you to do that? If that is the case, of course you are conflicted about wanting to leave. You are her protector, her knight in shining armour, her father. Of couse you can't face hurting her.

 

However, this is not healthy. You are both adults and she is ultimately responsible for her own life. Yes, you can help, but it is not your job to act as her parent and take full responsibility for her well-being and blame for when things don't work out.

 

It sounds as though she is (probably implicity) aware of this, as she is using methods akin to emotional blackmail to keep you there ("If you go, I will kill myself!" "I can't live without you!"). Unfortunately, even though the speaker probably means what they are saying, this is effectively emotional abuse.

 

As has been said before, if you have genuine concern that she is likely to carry out a threat to harm herself (or others) you should act. This page on the NHS site tells you what to do and who to contact. http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/warning-signs.aspx.

 

Also, I suggest you register with a GP, if you haven't already, and share your concerns with them.

 

There are people out there who are experts on dealing with mental health issues. I realise she has said that she refuses to see any of them, but it is not your responsibility to take their place. Discuss it with a GP.

[MsOptimist]

I had my first individual counseling session today and it was excellent. We didn't even get up to the present in very much detail, but instead filled in a lot the back story and history. There were even a couple of insights that they had that made me re-frame or re-analyze some of my thinking on things I would have thought were complete unrelated, but likely are not. There's going to be some tough introspection I think, but I'm really up for it as I'm just so tired of being unhappy.

 

They even hit the nail on the head that I was looking for a way to get out of my current situation without feeling like I'm to blame for everything and that it's all my fault.

 

Still a long, long ways to go but I'm feeling really good that I've taken that first step to getting my life back. I can't wait for my next session. I'd go tomorrow if I could.

 

I've briefly read through your thread and I think it's wonderful that you've started counseling.

 

A lot of what you said about how you and your wife relate rings true for what my stbxh and I have gone through (although neither of us have threatened physical harm) - we were conflict avoidant and our communication became extremely poor over the years, without us ever realizing it.

 

He pulled the trigger in a fast and furious method to end the marriage as he saw it as the only option. We very quickly separated and filed - and now that we've both had time apart and he's had time to think he's realizing that things aren't what he thought they were. Problems he blamed me for were not my problem as they still remained when I was gone. He's still not happy. Things he never thought would impact our relationship and marriage he's now realizing did impact them in a BIG way.

 

We, too, had been through several trips where one of us was gone away on business and he loved his free and alone time and thought that, again, I was the problem that he didn't want to return home to. Now that he's on his own 100% of the time he's seeing things differently.

 

Continue with counseling and see where it goes. See if you can learn to communicate with your wife and see where the disconnect lies. My stbxh and I have learned a TON about each other and our communication styles post-separation and we'd wished we had known these things years ago. We both thought we were coming across crystal clear when trying to communicate in the past, but we were both wrong.

[aMguilts]

That really hits the nail on the head. For a very long time I've been trying to ignore it and try to make her happy (as you said in the wrong ways).

 

I guess my dislike of conflict has stopped me from really expressing just how unhappy I am.

 

Pretty right on the money that I'm ashamed of it all too I suppose.

 

Now how to unravel it all...

 

stuckinuk

 

Stop being ashamed and admit to yourself that you ar not to blame for every single thing that has gone wrong

She, from what you have said so far, isn`t innocent

 

Your the 1 posting on here so it`s you that gets the `advice`

You`ve tried talking to her about your unhappiness but she didn`t listen.

that`s not your fault.

 

don`t make any `rash` decisions about where you want your marriage to go for now.

 

You ( imo) are suffering from depression

You have neglected yourself and as a consequence your marriage has suffered.

as it will.

 

least you are on the right path now

 

aM

[aMguilts]

I had my first individual counseling session today and it was excellent. We didn't even get up to the present in very much detail, but instead filled in a lot the back story and history. There were even a couple of insights that they had that made me re-frame or re-analyze some of my thinking on things I would have thought were complete unrelated, but likely are not. There's going to be some tough introspection I think, but I'm really up for it as I'm just so tired of being unhappy.

 

They even hit the nail on the head that I was looking for a way to get out of my current situation without feeling like I'm to blame for everything and that it's all my fault.

 

Still a long, long ways to go but I'm feeling really good that I've taken that first step to getting my life back. I can't wait for my next session. I'd go tomorrow if I could.

 

stuckinuk

i`m pleased for you

don`t get complacent

 

it`s a long long road, but your on the right 1 for now

things can only get better now you are getting help

 

aM

[GuyInLimbo]

Sheesh, Yas, what are you so wound up about today? You're being way too harsh. Why do you call someone selfish when they are simply admitting their true feelings? Yes, he took a vow. So that means everyone simply has to settle when they realize they may have made a mistake or don't love the other person? F that.

 

I can relate to feeling trapped by someone who threatens to kill themselves and/or goes into panic attacks. I dated someone with Borderline and those episodes were frequent. And you feel absolutely TRAPPED by someone who is not mentally healthy or stable. Where's the happiness in that?

 

Maybe I just relate too much to this guy and I'm just as much a selfish a-hole that Yas thinks he is. But I think it's time for him to seek out his happiness elsewhere and there's nothing wrong with that.

[aMguilts]

in yas`s defense, she posted 3 days ago

not today

 

and it`s NOT time `to seek out his happiness elsewhere `

he`s still married

 

aM