MM wife has asked me to leave town.

[threelaurels]

Pain isn't an excuse for outlandish behavior or requests.

How does adding legal trouble to the person who is bringing it on herself make it worse for the OP?

 

Pain isn't an excuse, but her reaction to the situation is understandable. She just wants her life to return to how it was before she was aware of her husband's betrayal. Taking it out on the OP's children, however, is not acceptable in the slightest.

 

Adding legal trouble to the wife will only keep the OP engaged in a situation that she needs to withdraw from. She needs to stay NC with both of them, and that will be impossible should charges or a RO be brought into the situation.

 

Legal trouble against the wife can also harm the OP in terms of employment and reputation. The prosecution will most likely end up dropping the case anyway.

[MissBee]

Someone can technically request anything they want, as a request is not a mandate. You can choose whether or not to oblige them based on if you think it's reasonable.

 

TheOW: if you do not want to move then you do not have to move of course. I totally understand how the BS feels. I can imagine she is feeling like you were the one who did a wrong thing and so you should just do her a favor or make amends by moving away so that she can rebuild her life without the anxiety of seeing you. I get it. But unfortunately, you have your life too and cannot just move because she'd rather not deal with you. I'm sure you'd rather not deal with her and them either, but moving wasn't a choice you came to on your own, so I wouldn't do it. Your mom may be agreeing because she thinks the aftermath of all the drama may not end anytime soon and may be bad for you and the kids OR she may, like someone else suggested, be concerned for herself. I'll go with the former for now and you know her well enough to be able to gauge which it is.

 

Keep focusing on your kids and if MM's wife comes back around let her know politely that you will not be moving, but you will be living your life and leaving her and her husband alone and focusing on your own family. Tell her you'd appreciate if she left you alone to do that so you both can move on. You can let her know in a polite but firm manner how things will be. You can also add that this is the last popping up at your house you're willing to have. I'm not a fan of the least little personal drama we call the police. I feel like it is a waste of time generally and who has the time for all of that? If she did end up coming back around after that I would have her know the next she does it you will have no choice but to call the police, but I certainly wouldn't immediately try to get a RO because someone came to my door and I opened it and willingly spoke to them. I don't think that counts as harassment and it doesn't seem as though she stalks you around town and you feel unsafe.

Edited March 3, 2013 by MissBee

[Lostinlife4now]

Everything was quiet, I was enjoying our new apartment and new life with me and kiddo's then BAM

 

His wife came to my door and immediately I told her my kids were there and if she wanted confrontation now was not the time, she said she didnt she wanted to ask me something. She was talking so fast i could barely understand her she was saying how they are trying to work things out, then she said we cant do this while you are on our doorstep, your marriage is finished nothing is keeping you here. i was and still am dumbfounded. She was saying other things about their relationship and how their kids are best staying here and mines are not even at school yet so they can go elsewhere.

 

I spoke with my mother and she agreed with this

 

I'm still being backed into a corner and im losing the fight, im tired and the only thing keeping me here is my pride. I dont want to move away i have been here my whole life, i love it here and would like my kids to be brought up where their family are, but if my own mum wants me gone what can i do ?

 

My H said no he wants his kids as close to him as possible and was infuriated that this was even suggested he thinks MM should leave, i havent heard from H since.

 

 

First OW.....glad to see you back with us!!!!

 

Didn't you JUST move? Why in the hell would someone, anyone, for that matter ask someone to move out of the town they have known all of their lives? She could ask you to move physically,,,but the MM won't ever get you out of his mind games. That's the next thing I would tell her! And she should NOT be at your door...No way, no how! She sounds very desperate for a man that does not want her. It is very obvious! It might do them good to get a divorce also.

 

And please for your Husbands sake and your children, do not take them away from their Father.

 

As far as your mother...it sounds like she has demons of her own! don't listen to her! You are a grown woman and YOU make your OWN decisions. THIS TOO SHALL PASS!

[Lostinlife4now]

If pride is the only thing keeping you here - you NEED to move before you lose. Pride goes before the fall remember?

 

This is not about "being run out of town" - especially considering your posts are giving me the distinct impression you are losing, handily, the PR battle.

Perhaps, instead of fighting (for what?) - move.

 

No, OW SHOULD NOT MOVE!!!!! PR battle...nah...don't think so....

 

Pride.....nope....

 

Her childrens' father is there....That is where she should stay!!!

 

IMO.......

[Furious]

I think the betrayed spouse should have told her own husband to leave town.

If he were my husband I would have had his bags packed with a one way ticket to nowhere.

[Lostinlife4now]

I fear the longer you stay in this long - the more this becomes your normal.

Is this sword of Damocles worth it?

You appear to be losing the PR battle in town - is living in this town worth the isolation and the stress?

 

 

 

There is a certain logic to her thinking.

Question is...given the totality of the situation - and given your own mother agrees...WHY are you staying?

 

You may be "proving your point" - but at what cost to you and your kids?

 

 

 

If pride is the only thing keeping you here - you NEED to move before you lose. Pride goes before the fall remember?

 

This is not about "being run out of town" - especially considering your posts are giving me the distinct impression you are losing, handily, the PR battle.

Perhaps, instead of fighting (for what?) - move.

 

 

 

Drama, drama and yet more drama.

Why the hell do you CHOOSE to live in that?

 

Look, it was WAY out of bounds for the BS to ask that - although she HAS the right to do so. She has a right to protect her family as much as you do yours. But really, that takes balls to do that. Do NOT miss the message - she's willing to do whatever it takes to protect her family - to hell with decorum - and you are right in the bullseye.

 

Is it worth it?

 

You've already said you stay only because of pride. Bad reason.

 

If you DO wish to stay...the yes, time to lawyer up in regards to your D and in regards to the BS. Lost of time, money and emotional expense just to stay here. Be SURE its worth it. Think long and hard on it.

 

Its not about you winning or losing - its about healing, protecting and helping your kids and beginning to live a BETTER life. Can YOU do that here?

 

Its not sounding like it to me.

 

 

Did not post quote too well...

 

But my answer is....down there.....

 

UP THERE ^^^^^^^^^

Edited March 4, 2013 by Lostinlife4now
Wanted to add....

[ComingInHot]

OW,

If you read my earlier post then you know what I, as the BS did in order to move on w/my life.

With that said, I kind of wanted to address other comments about you being "run out of town".

After reading most all your posts, you don't strike me as someone who could be run out of Anywhere if you didn't want to go al on your own. You ARE a fighter. I've read that for sure*

Is moving a bad thing? I don't necessarily think so. I say that from my experience and where I am today. I'm happy*

My H & family have had wonderful new adventures together. We've all made great friends. Our children are we'll adjusted and our families LOVE coming to visit*

 

Does that mean you should move? Of course not. At least not because you feel "run out", but then don't stay just to prove no one can run you anywhere either.

 

I was just thinking about you living. I mean REALLY living* It doesn't matter where so long as you are in an area where you can start your next adventure w/out upset to you, your kids & unfortunately the BW & BH too.**

[Decorative]

Your children and their father should be your priority, so you need to act in their best interest.

 

As for your mother, I understand why she would encourage the move, though I don't agree with it. You're her child. You are in a situation with a lot of social stigma raining on your head. I am sure her protective instincts are probably thinking fresh start is a good thing.

 

I know the OW in our situation - her parents encouraged her to move far away. And she did. Thousands of miles. Away from both MM she was involved with at the time. But she was childless and had a job that easily translated. Totally different situation.

[Decorative]

I missed the pride thing.

 

Yeah. Don't stay for that. Stay because you and your husband have decided that is best for your children. Or move because you and your husband have made that decision.

 

I don't know the ages of everyone involved- but we have a very public infidelity mess in our town right now- and there are 7 kids caught in the crossfire. It's ugly. Horrible to watch, actually.

[jwi71]

 

No, OW SHOULD NOT MOVE!!!!! PR battle...nah...don't think so....

 

Pride.....nope....

 

Her childrens' father is there....That is where she should stay!!!

 

IMO.......

 

Actually, OP specifically stated she is staying solely out of pride.

 

Maybe you missed it.

[Pierre]

I don't think TOW is a contrarian, but no one likes to be told what to do.

 

I don't know the size of this town, but in most relatively large towns there would not be a need to leave. If the town is really small then TOW would run into bw and mm constantly and that could be uncomfortable.

 

If the town is really small TOW would have a hard time and would be forever label as the town evil OW. This may even attract other mm types.

 

A fresh start in an adjacent town where the H has access is not such a bad deal.

[canuckprincess]

Everything was quiet, I was enjoying our new apartment and new life with me and kiddo's then BAM

 

His wife came to my door and immediately I told her my kids were there and if she wanted confrontation now was not the time, she said she didnt she wanted to ask me something. She was talking so fast i could barely understand her she was saying how they are trying to work things out, then she said we cant do this while you are on our doorstep, your marriage is finished nothing is keeping you here. i was and still am dumbfounded. She was saying other things about their relationship and how their kids are best staying here and mines are not even at school yet so they can go elsewhere.

 

I spoke with my mother and she agreed with this

 

I'm still being backed into a corner and im losing the fight, im tired and the only thing keeping me here is my pride. I dont want to move away i have been here my whole life, i love it here and would like my kids to be brought up where their family are, but if my own mum wants me gone what can i do ?

 

My H said no he wants his kids as close to him as possible and was infuriated that this was even suggested he thinks MM should leave, i havent heard from H since.

 

I'm curious did the mm's wife offer to pay for your move or pay for you to break your lease? I honestly would of laughed in her face, and told her you owe her nothing.

[veryhappy]

I want to know how this amazing cheating MM is paying. Yet another story where all the invoices are sent to the female AP. She's out of the M, moved out of the house, thrown out of the local store and yet it is not enough. Let's send her hundreds of miles away. I suppose anything else would be too easy to cover to have an affair.

 

It makes my blood boil. It's 2013 and people are still wanting to stone her to death while he's probably scott free with a little bit of crying and dreams of working it out. Obviosly BW like any BW is making her the scape goat.

 

OP, you stay there where you grew up. People talk until they get tired and move on to the next scandal. Talk to the father of your children, he might be your best source for help now. Do not trust your AP, please don't. There's nothing good for you out of that.

[TheOW]

The BS has already placed her hands on the OPs child. All bets are off in my mind. She's gone out of her way to make the OP's life a living hell, so it's all there for everyone to see. Pain isn't an excuse for outlandish behavior or requests.

How does adding legal trouble to the person who is bringing it on herself make it worse for the OP?

 

Yes and im putting my foot down now, I let her off with that incident because I understand what frame of mind she was in, IF she had hurt my child it would be a completely different story, and not good for her.

 

That being, Im sick of this carry on, im not leaving town I had a good think last night and its not the best option for my children, they will go to school here with my friends childrens (whom i grew up with) this is a smallish town (around 4'000) and most folks know each other, I am not leaving this "safe" place.

 

BUT

 

I will take responsibility for my actions and thats what i have been lacking so far, I will shop in the town next door so i dont accidently bump into either of their families until things calm down. I will stay away from them as much as i can. We all have to live here and i am looking for some part-time work (while kids are at their fathers)

[Summer Breeze]

I think you're making the right choice TOW. I'm sorry but her H made the mess and if she wants her life back to normal then he should be the one moving Heaven and Earth doing it. What's he doing? He's contacting you. She's completely unaware she has much bigger fish to fry. I can't recall totally but I think I suggested you let her know he'd been in touch with you. I still think you should but that's my opinion on a situation I know nothing about.

 

I wonder if she'd like it if your H went to her house and asked THEM to move. I bet she'd be more than a little peeved if that happened.

 

You're doing well TOW. I'm really proud of you.

[Pierre]

Yes and im putting my foot down now, I let her off with that incident because I understand what frame of mind she was in, IF she had hurt my child it would be a completely different story, and not good for her.

 

That being, Im sick of this carry on, im not leaving town I had a good think last night and its not the best option for my children, they will go to school here with my friends childrens (whom i grew up with) this is a smallish town (around 4'000) and most folks know each other, I am not leaving this "safe" place.

 

BUT

 

I will take responsibility for my actions and thats what i have been lacking so far, I will shop in the town next door so i dont accidently bump into either of their families until things calm down. I will stay away from them as much as i can. We all have to live here and i am looking for some part-time work (while kids are at their fathers)

 

Excellent way of looking at this.

 

Just lay low and before you know it the issue will be forgotten by all. Affairs are part of life, it happens. What really matters is what you do now. Learn and grow.

 

My main concern is why you needed this older mm. It was not a good plan from the onset. This had disaster written all over it. But, when some folks need their emotional needs met they will do crazy things. You need to grow from this. That is the most important issue.

 

 

Your insight is very good and you are truly a very good person. I see a bright future if you are willing to put in some effort.

 

Continue to be kind to others and do not react negatively to acrimony from others. Stay calm at all times. Do not go to war, there is no need for that as it will weaken your position in the community. Just lay low and you are fine.

[TheOW]

Excellent way of looking at this.

 

Just lay low and before you know it the issue will be forgotten by all. Affairs are part of life, it happens. What really matters is what you do now. Learn and grow.

 

My main concern is why you needed this older mm. It was not a good plan from the onset. This had disaster written all over it. But, when some folks need their emotional needs met they will do crazy things. You need to grow from this. That is the most important issue.

 

 

Your insight is very good and you are truly a very good person. I see a bright future if you are willing to put in some effort.

 

Continue to be kind to others and do not react negatively to acrimony from others. Stay calm at all times. Do not go to war, there is no need for that as it will weaken your position in the community. Just lay low and you are fine.

 

It was a crush gone to far, a crush that should have stayed as one and not followed through.

[Pierre]

It was a crush gone to far, a crush that should have stayed as one and not followed through.

 

Exactly!

[waterwoman]

Tell her respectfully to mind her own business. She has no right to dictate what you do with your life. I can understand how she feels - h's OW lives 5 mins walk away from us and still works in the same school as H - but much as I might have liked her to vanish out of my life I had to accept she wouldn't.

[Tenacity]

The woman is a nutcase. Yes, she should be hurting in a horrible way given the way she was treated, but as I said in past posts related to this woman's behavior, being in incredible pain does not excuse anyone from this kind of behavior. Asking you to move? Seriously?!?!? What next, after her actions on your kids and her public displays?

 

Where is her perception that her H has something to do with this? As for 'helping' her by telling her that her H is texting you... she already knows that, or she would not be asking you to move.

 

I feel sorry for her. But she needs to get her head out of it and figure out that her H is screwing with her STILL and get out of the M instead of pretending that she can fix it, and stop covering for him and blaming everything on the OW.

[Tenacity]

I'm not judging you. People do all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons. People in marriages become bored, or hit a midlife crisis, or some other event that causes them to stray.

 

I hate these kind of attempts at explanations from people who don't understand. I was married for nearly 20 years and was bored (and lots worse) plenty of times, yet did not choose to have an A.

 

please think about the damage that's been done to this woman already, and think about what she's about to go through to try to put her life back together because of the actions of you and her husband.

 

If you were her, would you want to know that your H was still texting OW? Would that be a factor in how you handled things? Would you just want someone, anyone, to be on your side just for a minute?

 

Honestly, this BS does not seem to have a grip on reality or comprehension that her H even did anything wrong, if I have read the past posts correctly. She wants to blame it all on the OW. She isn't acting like a woman who is rationally moving forward to choose to live her life with a cheater and how to make it right going forward. Nor has her H acted remorseful in that way that we have seen.

 

Instead of making him live up to his mistakes - instead of throwing him out or the equivalent to make him realize that he WANTS to be dedicated to the marriage, she has done NONE OF THAT. She instead has attacked OW and blamed HER for it and now she is going to her house to tell her to move so SHE can have a nice life. Where in that do you see that she is moving forward to reconcile with a cheating husband in a positive way... to put her life "back together" at all?

Edited March 5, 2013 by Tenacity

[cocorico]

Honestly, this BS does not seem to have a grip on reality or comprehension that her H even did anything wrong, if I have read the past posts correctly. She wants to blame it all on the OW. She isn't acting like a woman who is rationally moving forward to choose to live her life with a cheater and how to make it right going forward. Nor has her H acted remorseful in that way that we have seen.

 

Instead of making him live up to his mistakes - instead of throwing him out or the equivalent to make him realize that he WANTS to be dedicated to the marriage, she has done NONE OF THAT. She instead has attacked OW and blamed HER for it and now she is going to her house to tell her to move so SHE can have a nice life. Where in that do you see that she is moving forward to reconcile with a cheating husband in a positive way... to put her life "back together" at all?

 

 

It's a pretty short-sighted strategy. By baling it all on TOW she is preventing any resolution of whatever led to the infidelity in the first place, thus inviting a recurrence.

 

But I guess when it does happen again, she'll simply blame the next OW. And the next. And the next...

[Tenacity]

Regarding all those details you posted... the thing is, we can't really know anything about their marriage to know how she feels or what was reality before all of this happened. We don't know how she felt, how he felt, the status of the marriage, etc. It's just a guess. It may be how you said, or it may not be as you said.

 

seething... I am not an unfeeling person... precisely the opposite. But I have been hurt before, in both of these situations actually, and despite the pain that I know she must be going through, I find it hard to accept the way she has chosen to behave and proceed.

 

This is not how the BSs that I have come to know from this site have proceeded. The women here stood up for themselves and made the MM understand what he stood to lose. They were equally as much (or more) in pain as this woman was, yet they chose to give the MM an ultimatum if he was to stay in the M.

 

They did not rant and rave in public at the OW and be abusive physically to their children. They did not go to the doorstep of the OW and demand that she move so that the M could continue. They instead had the pride and self-respect to stand up for their M by facing it directly, however horribly painful that had to be, and actually set things right with their M.

 

This woman is not doing that. Why isn't she? That's my problem with this. She is not acting like a woman who wants to fix her marriage long-term. She is acting like someone who wants to blame anyone but her wayward spouse and who thinks that running his OW out of town will fix things.

[LFH]

 

On a side note, I think saying this woman was physically abusive to tOW's children is a large stretch. She was going after tOW (not condoning this, btw) and moved the child out of the way. tOW has been asked several times to clarify if it was an 'abusive' episode or not and has declined to answer. I take that to mean it was not. Accusing someone of child abuse is really not appropriate imo.

 

I never said she was abusive, I said she touched someone else's child while she was in the middle of a fit of anger. That's not ok, no matter if harm was done or not. That shows me she's not stable, and potentially dangerous.

That's all I'd need to know to make sure she was kept far away from me.

[Got it]

Asking TOW to leave is the most simplistic, "easy" and short sighted solution. I do agree that if we want a certain line of respect/blame not to be put on the OW/OM in these situations the reverse is true as well.

 

I have no issues that the BW asked. The response can be a simple no as well. Like they say it never hurts to ask and she may have thrown it out as a hail mary. And everyone knows that even if TOW moves it doesn't keep her husband's "twig and berries" suddenly under lock and key. The same risk is there but she may not be seeing it yet for a multitude of reasons.

 

She asked, it was denied, I think if it remains there then its fine. I think if the OP is concerned about further contact a NC letter would be appropriate and would then lay the groundwork for any legal action (if it became necessary). But you would need to make sure to remain NC from both spouses.