MM wife has asked me to leave town.

[Pierre]

The woman is a nutcase. Yes, she should be hurting in a horrible way given the way she was treated, but as I said in past posts related to this woman's behavior, being in incredible pain does not excuse anyone from this kind of behavior. Asking you to move? Seriously?!?!? What next, after her actions on your kids and her public displays?

 

Where is her perception that her H has something to do with this? As for 'helping' her by telling her that her H is texting you... she already knows that, or she would not be asking you to move.

 

I feel sorry for her. But she needs to get her head out of it and figure out that her H is screwing with her STILL and get out of the M instead of pretending that she can fix it, and stop covering for him and blaming everything on the OW.

 

Is lack of empathy a requisite to participate in an affair?

 

Some of the recent exOW remarks confirms my impression.

 

Sure, the woman is acting like a nut. Desperate men and women in love do not act normally. But, this is common on both sides. Her behavior is not very proper. But, why not try a bit of introspection and self-analysis.

[Pierre]

Regarding all those details you posted... the thing is, we can't really know anything about their marriage to know how she feels or what was reality before all of this happened. We don't know how she felt, how he felt, the status of the marriage, etc. It's just a guess. It may be how you said, or it may not be as you said.

 

seething... I am not an unfeeling person... precisely the opposite. But I have been hurt before, in both of these situations actually, and despite the pain that I know she must be going through, I find it hard to accept the way she has chosen to behave and proceed.

 

This is not how the BSs that I have come to know from this site have proceeded. The women here stood up for themselves and made the MM understand what he stood to lose. They were equally as much (or more) in pain as this woman was, yet they chose to give the MM an ultimatum if he was to stay in the M.

 

They did not rant and rave in public at the OW and be abusive physically to their children. They did not go to the doorstep of the OW and demand that she move so that the M could continue. They instead had the pride and self-respect to stand up for their M by facing it directly, however horribly painful that had to be, and actually set things right with their M.

 

This woman is not doing that. Why isn't she? That's my problem with this. She is not acting like a woman who wants to fix her marriage long-term. She is acting like someone who wants to blame anyone but her wayward spouse and who thinks that running his OW out of town will fix things.

 

Tenacity:

 

I hear you. You want this women to behave like a lady.

 

In an ideal world everybody should behave like a lady. But, that is not the case. She has been injured and some injured people (whether BW or OW) can act in an irrational manner. As you well know for many OW and BW being in love is the definition of madness.

[Pierre]

Let me be more graphic.

 

Some OWs expect the BW to behave like a proper lady but at the same time the OWs were having intercourse with the husband.

 

So who wins the "should behave like a lady" competition?

 

I am not condoning the behavior of BW. In an ideal world she should not even acknowledge the existence of TOW, but maybe the BW is as insecure as the typical OW. Who knows?

[Eggplant]

OP,

 

If I were in your position, I would be so consumed with guilt that I would bend over backwards to make it up to the betrayed wife. But I still wouldn't move if it would separate the children from their father. Tell the wife that you would respect her wish, except that it is unfair to your children to separate them from their father.

 

But I think there is one exception. There are 0 acceptable reasons to have any communication with that man anymore. Not even a single word for any reason. If for whatever reason, you believe that you are unable to discontinue contact with the MM, you must take drastic steps. That MM is cocaine, and you are an addict. Do whatever may be necessary.

[TheOW]

OP,

 

If I were in your position, I would be so consumed with guilt that I would bend over backwards to make it up to the betrayed wife. But I still wouldn't move if it would separate the children from their father. Tell the wife that you would respect her wish, except that it is unfair to your children to separate them from their father.

 

But I think there is one exception. There are 0 acceptable reasons to have any communication with that man anymore. Not even a single word for any reason. If for whatever reason, you believe that you are unable to discontinue contact with the MM, you must take drastic steps. That MM is cocaine, and you are an addict. Do whatever may be necessary.

 

Bold: No I will bend over backwards for my children, thats all.

[Lostinlife4now]

OP,

 

If I were in your position, I would be so consumed with guilt that I would bend over backwards to make it up to the betrayed wife. But I still wouldn't move if it would separate the children from their father. Tell the wife that you would respect her wish, except that it is unfair to your children to separate them from their father.

 

But I think there is one exception. There are 0 acceptable reasons to have any communication with that man anymore. Not even a single word for any reason. If for whatever reason, you believe that you are unable to discontinue contact with the MM, you must take drastic steps. That MM is cocaine, and you are an addict. Do whatever may be necessary.

 

 

Hi Eggplant!

 

While I understand your position....I don't think I would bend over backwards for the BW. It is the WS that needs to do whatever he can to save his marriage. Not the OW! Sorry.... JMO!

[dreamingoftigers]

Not to save his marriage, but to make up for the hurt, damage, trauma and triggers she has caused in the life of someone else.

 

Yes, bend over backwards to make up for all of the bending over forwards that happened.

 

BUT that doesn't come before her own children.

 

Yes, OP should take care of herself first, in healthy, non-harming ways because probably not feeding her needs in a healthy way led to this mess in the first place.

 

After that her children, (she does need to model "self-care" first)

 

Than after that anyone else, including those she wronged.

 

I think it's a great move that she is shopping in another town.

 

I also think she should sincerely apologize to BW for the damage she inflicted on her life. Most BW will have their self-esteem shot to shi* for years and compare themselves to OW over and over in their minds. Have mind movies of it all etc etc. It's like a prison sentence she can't escape whether or not she divorced MM. The least OW could do is apologize.

 

She doesn't have to walk around with a Scarlett letter or anything. Bit just close this chapter with a sense of remorse and absolutely finish put her influence in this M. Steer clear of both for awhile after.

[TheOW]

No he bends over backwards for HIS family

 

And i will bend over backwards for MY family

 

A few local gossips got a fright yesterday afternoon I'm getting sick of the town gossips and they were promptly told to shut it, xMM wife is doing everything in her power to get me out of MY town and she's really starting irk me and a few others. Our town will be starting the mourning process next week and should not be clouded by this.

Edited March 7, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ComingInHot]

"If I were in your position, I would be so consumed with guilt that I would bend over backwards to make it up to the betrayed wife"

 

Eggplant,

Most times I agree w/you but w/regards to the above quote, I think the only way the exOW could help (nothing she could do could make it up) would be to go away, disappear from my & my families life. If she lived close or we shared a small town, I'd hope she would do what she could (as would I) to avoid bumping into each other.

 

For me, I knew this wouldn't be enough. So we moved far away.

[dreamingoftigers]

By the way, the "fright" you gave the local gossips only serve to prolong their talking about you and having others in the town be alienated.

 

Now, behind closeddoors they will say, "and you won't believe how she talked to Sherry the other day. The attitude! The nerve! Hopefully she leaves BW alone. How dare her ignorant self, after what she's done! The poor children. Her poor husband! Poor BW and her kids."

 

That's why we learn to IGNORE things. If they stay quiet, than they are on to the next piece of news about Charlie the baker and how he shorted someone on a baker's dozen.

 

The more you try to suppress it, the more it compounds your and your children's relations in that town. The more it makes the BW look like a saint in their eyes for taking back a husband who was trifling with you.

 

Let them go do their own thing. Push back against leaving town if it comes to that. But unless they can actually, physically change you living location or cause harm to yourself or family in any way, let it die.

[TheOW]

Bend any way you want. I don't care really.

 

Your overall tone shows how unempathetic you are to the people you caused suffering to.

 

Big deal. Her extreme pain is "irking" you. You did a helluva lot more than "irk" her. You help rip her family to shreds which will take years to repair.

 

Not to mention your own.

 

I am a child of an adulterous father. I can't even quantify the effect it's had on me to see and deal with.

 

Work on your empathy and redemption skills instead of trying to prolong a conflict by telling "the town gossips" to "close their mouth."

 

If you had the gall to sleep with someone's husband, why be surprised when people talk about it? Why not have the fortitude to deal with that?

 

Why not have the fortitude to stand up and apologize?

 

Have you apologized to your kid(s) and husband yet?

 

I am the outcome of an A myself, my mother had an A with my father and here i am .....

 

I have apologised numerous times to everyone concerned, why should I continue to hold my head down and allow the gossips to bash me ? I let them do it for the last couple of weeks and im not allowing them to do it any longer.

 

No this week is about my past classmates no her, him or any of them.

[TheOW]

By the way, the "fright" you gave the local gossips only serve to prolong their talking about you and having others in the town be alienated.

 

Now, behind closeddoors they will say, "and you won't believe how she talked to Sherry the other day. The attitude! The nerve! Hopefully she leaves BW alone. How dare her ignorant self, after what she's done! The poor children. Her poor husband! Poor BW and her kids."

 

That's why we learn to IGNORE things. If they stay quiet, than they are on to the next piece of news about Charlie the baker and how he shorted someone on a baker's dozen.

 

The more you try to suppress it, the more it compounds your and your children's relations in that town. The more it makes the BW look like a saint in their eyes for taking back a husband who was trifling with you.

 

Let them go do their own thing. Push back against leaving town if it comes to that. But unless they can actually, physically change you living location or cause harm to yourself or family in any way, let it die.

 

Its dead, burried and gone in my eyes, MM has his marriage, his home and family intact, they are being supported by everyone.

 

I'm moving on let me and my kids be, leave us alone and let us start a new life.

[Decorative]

I am the outcome of an A myself, my mother had an A with my father and here i am .....

 

I have apologised numerous times to everyone concerned, why should I continue to hold my head down and allow the gossips to bash me ? I let them do it for the last couple of weeks and im not allowing them to do it any longer.

 

No this week is about my past classmates no her, him or any of them.

 

Because you did something really wrong.

 

And gracious and empathetic people realize that.

 

You "holding your head up"? Makes no sense. The best thing to do is to focus on your kids and your injured spouse- and stop worrying about "showing " other people how now cowed you are.

 

I am starting to think that might be why your mother suggested moving. You are far more worried about your image than the harm you caused other people.

 

And that's not healthy.

[TheOW]

Really? First you were upset that you were caught. Then you were annoyed that even your mother was looking down her nose at you and hid in your apartment. Then your kids were sick. Now there are other things to deal with.

 

When are you going to deal with this? You've used every single excuse anyone has ever heard of, and now you're using old classmates?

 

You claim to care deeply about your children and I have no doubt that is true. If it is, and your town is this small, have you thought about how they'll be received if you don't do something to fix things? You'll be forever remembered as the adultress that went after those that stared. You've hurting your image and by default hurting your children. Do you want them viewed as the kids with that crazy b!tch mom that sleeps with married old men?

 

Not trying to hurt your feelings or anger you, but you need to really think about this. If your hope is that in time it will go away, then you cannot tell people to shut it.

 

I'm a little shocked that xMM's behavior is 'irking' you. Why not prove to her that you mean not harm instead of acting as if you've done nothing wrong? It's arrogant imo. You had an affair with her husband. She is not going to get over it. You have your kids to think of in this small town.

 

Having an affair was a bad choice. You can choose to try to fix it or you can make things worse.

 

 

And what do u suggest I do exactly ?

 

I offered to tell her the truth like I told my husband, I shop in a different town so she doesn't need to see me, I give them as wide a berth as possible ! I've apologised. I can't keep feeling sorry myself of them anymore I have to move on from this.

 

She is telling the folks that she and her "wonderful" husband cannot reconcile while I am around, I'm not moving ! Forget it. He is supposedly mad at her for coming round to my apartment, again town gossips do not know if this is true.

 

Past classmates is not an excuse if you knew what I was referring to you may understand, I think it's this week that has made me realise and be grateful that I am still alive.

[TheOW]

Because you did something really wrong.

 

And gracious and empathetic people realize that.

 

You "holding your head up"? Makes no sense. The best thing to do is to focus on your kids and your injured spouse- and stop worrying about "showing " other people how now cowed you are.

 

I am starting to think that might be why your mother suggested moving. You are far more worried about your image than the harm you caused other people.

 

And that's not healthy.

 

 

I have done nothing but focus on my kids actually.

 

Worried about my image ? Where did that come from ? If I was that worried I would be gone or would be in doors hiding - I'm doing neither of these I'm getting on with things because I have to

[whichwayisup]

She is telling the folks that she and her "wonderful" husband cannot reconcile while I am around, I'm not moving ! Forget it. He is supposedly mad at her for coming round to my apartment, again town gossips do not know if this is true.

So who is telling you the gossip? Ask them to stop informing you of what's being said.

[TheOW]

So who is telling you the gossip? Ask them to stop informing you of what's being said.

 

My friends and I have told them to stop I do not want to know, and I would rather they didn't speak ill of her either, I know it must be horrendous for her right now and I can't even begin to imagine how she feels. She has done absolutely no wrong it was me and her husband. I am younger than her marriage. I hope one day when everything calms down I can reflect on things properly and see the truth of what I have done, because right now I am still being pretty defensive.

[Decorative]

I have done nothing but focus on my kids actually.

 

Worried about my image ? Where did that come from ? If I was that worried I would be gone or would be in doors hiding - I'm doing neither of these I'm getting on with things because I have to

 

When you can- take a step back and read your posts.

 

from the beginning.

 

There's a pattern. You even admitted you are staying because of pride. And holding your head up high- which you have said more than once- is part of this.

 

You should be embarassed. So should the MM.

 

You can do good things from this point forward and make better choices- but as an outsider looking in at your behavior - which I only know from your descriptions- you are still externally focused on what other people think of you.

 

And that's not a healthy place to be.

[Pierre]

No need to be so harsh on TOW.

 

I believe she is remorseful and she is not the typical pro EMR type poster in this forum. TOW is a victim of herself and sometimes that is not that easy to fix.

 

More importantly TOW has empathy. For some it may appear she does not, but that is because TOW is a bit insecure and sensitive. For a person with her profile admitting guilt is not easy. Nevertheless, she has admitted her role and apologized to all involved.

 

TOW is a victim here and MM is not that nice of a man for taking advantage of a young woman. Despite whatever TOW did to encourage MM he could have stopped.

[Lostinlife4now]

I am the outcome of an A myself, my mother had an A with my father and here i am .....

 

I have apologised numerous times to everyone concerned, why should I continue to hold my head down and allow the gossips to bash me ? I let them do it for the last couple of weeks and im not allowing them to do it any longer.

 

No this week is about my past classmates no her, him or any of them.

 

 

Small town? Am I correct? They don't have anything else better to do than gossip about someone else!

 

Tell them to get OVER IT! Next week you will be old news.

 

And take no ones crap! And I mean NO ONE!

[Lostinlife4now]

I am the outcome of an A myself, my mother had an A with my father and here i am .....

 

I have apologised numerous times to everyone concerned, why should I continue to hold my head down and allow the gossips to bash me ? I let them do it for the last couple of weeks and im not allowing them to do it any longer.

 

No this week is about my past classmates no her, him or any of them.

 

 

And good for you for apologizing!

 

If this were me....and people kept on taunting me and gossiping...I would start to send pics of me and xmm all around so all could see.

 

People should be careful because when you PUSH a person too far....the reaction could be NASTY!

 

I can be a Vindictive BIACH! And proud of it!!!!!!

[Pierre]

 

I can be a Vindictive BIACH! And proud of it!!!!!!

 

Why?

 

Vindictive about what?

[Finally Settled]

I take it you are a survivor TheOW? I can only imagine what you and those close to you are going through now. I'm here but a moment right now, but I will read through the full thread and make comment tomorrow.

 

Peace to you and yours.

[Lostinlife4now]

And what do u suggest I do exactly ?

 

I offered to tell her the truth like I told my husband, I shop in a different town so she doesn't need to see me, I give them as wide a berth as possible ! I've apologised. I can't keep feeling sorry myself of them anymore I have to move on from this.

 

She is telling the folks that she and her "wonderful" husband cannot reconcile while I am around, I'm not moving ! Forget it. He is supposedly mad at her for coming round to my apartment, again town gossips do not know if this is true.

 

Past classmates is not an excuse if you knew what I was referring to you may understand, I think it's this week that has made me realise and be grateful that I am still alive.

 

 

She cannot reconcile her marriage while you are around? How about the mind movies that xmm has about you day in and day out? What is she going to do...take his brain out! She deserves an Oscar! Tell her to concentrate on HER marriage and HER husband. She is looking for attention! She should Learn to KEEP her mouth shut! Then maybe she can take care of things at home.

[Lostinlife4now]

Why?

 

Vindictive about what?

 

 

 

My Business!!!!

 

Thanks for asking though!!!!