Hypocrisy

[MissBee]

I would guess that to be so only in a small minority of cases. Few people IME marry publicly - most opt for a discreet magistrate's court / home affairs dept. / registry office "sign on the dotted line" situation which involves the bare bones of vows (relating only to the legal & financial aspects) and max two witnesses. Hardly "public", nor great protestations of intent to sexual exclusivity or undying love!

 

Are you saying few people in your circle/that you know or are you saying in your observation of life in general, as a trend most married people didn't have a wedding/something public?

 

It's the opposite for me and my observation (and all these wedding shows I watch on tv lol ). I have been to lots of weddings, my friend is a wedding planner and business is booming, my brother is a photographer and he ALWAYS has jobs to shoot weddings, and I'm thinking of all the married people I know, some didn't have a huge wedding or something public, but I can name about 3 of those, the rest had small or large weddings.

 

Few years ago my grandma's 70 odd year old friend remarried (she was a widower for 10 years) and had a FULL wedding, bridesmaids and all! It was very cute and a bit surprising that she would have done that since she wasn't young and went down that route before. But yea...weddings seem to be all the rage esp in America. Everyone doesn't have a wedding but it certainly is a very common thing and the wedding industry does well because of it.

[stevie_23]

Yeah, I'm the same!

 

Everyone I know who's gotten married, they've had a proper formal wedding, reception afterwards, etc. I don't actually know ANYONE who just got married at a court house or in a civil ceremony and didn't have a proper wedding.

 

The last wedding I went to was my "mother in-law". She's 75 and her hubby of almost 6 months is 72. YAY!!!!!

 

Oh, and here in Australia it's the same as in the US I think. The wedding industry is HUGE. There are bridezillas all around and my best friend's wedding a few years ago, which was fairly tame in comparison to some I've seen, cost her over $30,000. EEEP!

[stevie_23]

Oh yeah, definitely! I can understand that.

 

What I personally find a BIT over the top and unnecessary is all the fuss and expense about the secondary things like flower displays, invitations being gold plated or something, how many courses to serve the guests. It seems to be more about the guests than about the two people actually getting married. But I've never been married, so I wouldn't really know how it feels I guess.

 

For me, I'd much rather spend money on the ring and the honeymoon (an amazing experience as opposed to in my opinion, superfluous items you and the guests only get to enjoy for a few hours).

[Decorative]

fine...you want to hear you aren't a hypocrite...

 

none of this changes the fact that a person who is married, deceiving their spouse so they can continue to receive the bennifits of marriage yet they cheat and go to great lengths to hide it is a hypocrite...

 

a spouse who claims they are cheating because " we don't have sex", then says that they won't have sex with his/her wife because they 'don't want to cheat on their other man/woman"- hypocrite, liar ( come on, you can't deny sex to someone who doesn't want it)

 

a person who says "I can't divorce because I don't want to hurt my spouse/kids" then goes on to cheat, which is bound to hurt their spouse/kids more than asking for a divorce would...hypocrite

 

someone who says they don't value marriage yet they pretend to love their spouse and be faithful to them and want to remain married so they can get he benefit form marriage, be they social, financial, psychological, whatever- hypocrite

 

 

anyway you slice it, they are being a hypocrite and deceitful and hurtful...no excuses can chnage that, and perhaps if one wants to get involved with a married person, they have to accept the fact that the person they want to be with is most definitely capable of being incredibly dishonest, hypocritical and of displaying a whole host of other negative character traits...

 

Actions are what count here, not the words.

 

A person cannot claim they have respect for marriage, and then, get married.

 

A person cannot claim marriage means nothing to them, and yet, respect their affair partner's wishes not to tell his wife.

 

Actions, not words.

 

[Decorative]

Even with the best hairdresser in the world, splitting hairs still end up with a bad hairdo.

 

hypocrisy is doing or pledging one thing, then acting in another. The action that demonstrates the hypocrisy is lying to the spouse .

[Furious]

How we phrase things matter. Neo's therapist talks about him "compromising his integrity", which basically tells he is a good person doing something that goes against his personality, while you guys talk about hypocrites, abusers, cake-eaters, liars, cheaters and so on and so on. Do you talk to your spouses that way? Do they know these are the terms you think in? Which turn of phrases do you think offers an opportunity for change and growth?

 

 

I'd say anyone who lives a double life is not "compromising their integrity", but rather they are a hypocrite who is compromising the faiithful spouses's integrity.

 

Someone who changes and grows, faces their hypocrisy, learns from it and becomes a better person for it.

 

I would assume someone who lives a double life for years and years is indeed dining at the hypocrite buffet.

[Spark1111]

How we phrase things matter. Neo's therapist talks about him "compromising his integrity", which basically tells he is a good person doing something that goes against his personality, while you guys talk about hypocrites, abusers, cake-eaters, liars, cheaters and so on and so on. Do you talk to your spouses that way? Do they know these are the terms you think in? Which turn of phrases do you think offers an opportunity for change and growth?

 

What term would Neo's wife use? Compromising his integrity, or abusing cake eating, cheating liar?

 

After dday, I called my H a lying scumb#g and he was so upset by it, he brought it up in therapy six months later.

 

I reiterated I did NOT call him a scumb#g as that would be blanketly disrespectful, but rather a LYING scumb#g.

 

There was a distinction.

[Owl]

When I was 22 a friend of mine and I were going to get married just for the heck of it. We had no respect for the institution. We did all the necessary paperwork and everything but then never went through with it. We weren't in love or anything, just having a general good time in life.

 

So my disrespect for marriage has been continuous throughout life. No hypocrisy there.

 

So your lack of respect for marriage is personal...not cultural? If it's cultural...which culture, specifically? I don't want your home address...but I am interested in finally learning what culture it is that has these beliefs...I've been unable to find anything that appears to match your descriptions thus far.

 

And have we said in the past...if you don't respect marriage and therefore don't marry (which you have)...that's clearly not hypocritical and in no way infringes on the rights of others. Nothing wrong with that.

 

But if you don't respect marriage and use that as an excuse to invalidate someone else's marriage...that's still morally wrong, because now you're forcing your beliefs onto them...and emotionally devestating them in the process.

 

There's the disconnect. And when it comes to hypocrisy...I believe that it's hypocritical to 'not respect' marriage...and yet marry, and expect it to be honored by your spouse or by others.

[Owl]

How we phrase things matter. Neo's therapist talks about him "compromising his integrity", which basically tells he is a good person doing something that goes against his personality, while you guys talk about hypocrites, abusers, cake-eaters, liars, cheaters and so on and so on. Do you talk to your spouses that way? Do they know these are the terms you think in? Which turn of phrases do you think offers an opportunity for change and growth?

 

You're right, now we phrase things matter.

 

Take that "compromising his integrity" phrase. That's a way to soften the basic concept of..."he is behaving with a lack of integrity".

 

Same thing...only the latter is more direct, and places the ownership and responsibility back directly on him, where the other does not.

 

He's not doing something that goes against his personality...and by claiming that it is, that's where you're basically giving him permission for him to do so. It lets him avoid accountability for acting without integrity...in fact, by continuing the affair with him, you're REWARDING that behavior, and in effect, encouraging it.

 

What he's doing is an INDICATOR of his personality (actions speak louder than words, we say). It's not a violation of his morals/ethics...rather it's an indicator of them.

 

And that's the hypocritical portion. You claim to be anti-affair...and yet you encrouage him to continue his affair with you, and you vehemently decry marriage and insist that there's nothing wrong with your actions in being in an affair with Neo. That's the logical disconnect, and the direct source of hypocrisy as seen by others.

[MissBee]

There seems to be little evidence in this thread that calling someone a cake eater and a cheater hinders growth. The people who have reconciled and experienced changed, called a spade a spade. Calling bad behavior what it is, is necessary, cathartic and can be very useful!

 

However, those advocating that one sugarcoats and coddles...well....the proof is in the pudding...they are STILL in a yeaaars long affair with no end in sight.

 

So take from that what you will. Is this product they're selling REALLY effective?

[Furious]

I can't answer your question since I have no personal knowledge of her.

 

When I was the BS I looked at it as an addiction in the case of my SOs. I did not use that kind of denigrating terminology which is so common here.

 

 

I think calling a spade a spade is not denigrating to the person who has lied and cheated meanwhile pretending to be faithful, it's just the truth.

 

Strange how you think calling someone out on their hypocrisy, cake eating,

is denigrating in your opinion, but you then enable and support your MM to continue denigrating his wife's reality, you even bake the cake and spoon feed it to him.

[dreamingoftigers]

I tried the nice, "wait for you to grow but understand that I'm hurt too" route with my husband for over a year.

 

The result: I got a year older and cried for over 400 days straight.

 

Never, ever again.

 

If he picks a path away from our marriage, I'll completely respect his choice. I feel no need to comfort him while he's kicking me in the teeth anymore.

 

Boo hoo hoo, it's so tough being an abuser these days!

 

If he wants to walk, he knows how to use the door, he also can't use the car to get where he wants to go (still technically separated, lease is solely in my name and so is the car, his idea. He wants me to trust him and that he's there because he wants to be).

 

Since having ass thrown out the door last September and losing the option for his daughter last November until January, he shaped up. Harsh learning curve.

 

Every time he chooses not to listen to me and go "the hard way" I get out of his way and don't follow.

 

More often than not, the results benefit me as well and I don't get blamed for the outcome because he went entirely his own way.

 

He just took a large step toward our recon yesterday. I'm proud.

 

Btw, I told him a year in that I felt guilty because I think of him as a "dirty slut" for what he did. He said it was okay because he acted like one.

[cocorico]

And when it comes to hypocrisy...I believe that it's hypocritical to 'not respect' marriage...and yet marry, and expect it to be honored by your spouse or by others.

 

Pretty well sums up my H's xW, and the difference between us. She preached disrespect for M, and lived that way, yet expected both her Hs and everyone else to respect hers. I hold others to the same standards I hold myself - I have no expectation of random strangers "respecting my M".

[ComingInHot]

"No, I don't want to hear I am not a hypocrite. I know I'm not. I'm merely participating in the discussion and using myself as an example. I don't care **** about what you think about me."

 

Oh my gosh trinity, I just want you to know that you actually are pertinent to this particular topic in using yourself as an example, only I don't think it is working in the way you had intended...

 

I believe more and more after reading your responses inparticular that there is definitely Hypocrisy in an A. You really are the perfect example.

 

I know this post probably offended you and I do apologize. It's sometimes (at least for me) I need to be told AND appreciate being told that it is probably best that I stop and not continue as I am having the opposite effect than I intended. believe it or not, i'm trying to help*

[nofool4u]

No, I don't want to hear I am not a hypocrite. I know I'm not. I'm merely participating in the discussion and using myself as an example.

 

No, its obvious you are doing more than "merely participating". You have been called out on coming to the Infidelity forum and antagonizing those that are in pain at the hands of their significant other and those that are helping them.

 

 

I don't care **** about what you think about me.

 

Not only do you not care what we think, you want to rub our noses in "it".

 

So sorry, you are not "merely" participating. What REALLY is your purpose in the Infidelity section?

[ComingInHot]

coco, " her Hs and everyone else to respect hers. I hold others to the same standards I hold myself - I have no expectation of random strangers "respecting my M".

 

Coco, I however, am a respectful woman, and I DO respect random strangers & their M.*