Hypocrisy

[stevie_23]

I don't know if you're still reading this thread, but if you have your own thread going, could you please post a link to it? If you don't, I think starting your own thread would help. I think there some circumstances in your situation that most of the threads here don't deal with. I don't know if anyone could help, but they could sure try. I hope you have someone you can talk to about all the crap you went through.

 

Thank you. I'm ok I think. I have no one to talk to aside from some online friends and this place.

 

But yes, I've got a few old threads from January about my situation.

[Furious]

One thing that really hit home to my husband's hypocrisy was our teenaged daughter who was very hurt and upset with him.

 

She cried and shouted at him "so daddy, when you always lectured me about boys, and when you set rules for me about respecting myself and being respected while you were f**king around on my mother. So why didn't you ever say to me don't marry someone like you dad."

 

My daughter, his little girl, and so much damage, when hypocrisy destroys so much.

 

Damn, writing this has made me feel so sad.

Edited March 7, 2013 by Furious

[stevie_23]

Actually, that is true. That story personalised that aspect that I’ve always found hard to comprehend.

 

I always believe that adults are responsible for their own actions and have to do what they have to do in order to be happy and any impact on kids is up to them to minimise to the extent that it doesn’t impinge too much on what they feel THEY need to do to be happy. Like parents who stay married simply for the kids…I don’t agree with that. I saw the impact of affairs in kind of the same way as that. But I guess it’s a bit different…

 

Admittedly, I’m really NOT maternal or kid-inclined at all. My 2 cats are my furry “children”. I never wanted kids. I have to open my mind up a bit to that whole aspect in regard in terms of these discussions.

[stevie_23]

With the kids thing...I don't know how the wife at home, while they know their husband is out cheating, makes the decision of what to actually tell the kids.

 

My mum never lied to me about what my dad was doing (no cheating, but alcoholism), and maybe looking back she told me TOO much. Treated me a bit too adult-like. Maybe I've been scarred from that knowledge that as a kid I couldn't even properly understand. She told me he said to her once, when drunk, "I hate you for everything I ever loved you for" and man, those words played around in my mind for YEARS before I even began to understand their meaning. Makes me sick to remember now. But she didn't have anyone else to talk to I guess. I was an only child...she did confide in my aunt (my dad's sister, who is now a really bad alcoholic also, sadly), but that's it.

 

Anyway...so the kids...scarred by lies or scarred by the truth. Gee whiz...excellent options, eh? *sigh*

Edited March 7, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Good morning,

 

Here's today's topic:

 

I know my cheating husband was a hypocrite, he has admitted that he would have been devastated if I had cheated on him.

 

I think cheaters are hypocrites and I'm looking for opinions as to to whether others agree or disagree.

 

As this is the infidelity forum, and the thread starter has shared their personal experience, the discussion is focused on their experience and agreement/disagreement regarding whether 'cheaters' in general are hypocrites. Threadjacks into other member's personal situations are off-topic. There are free threads available in the appropriate forums to discuss those subjects.

 

As always, be mindful of the community guidelines for civil and respectful discussion when choosing to make postings on our forums. Thank you. This thread has been edited.

[96nole]

One thing that really hit home to my husband's hypocrisy was our teenaged daughter who was very hurt and upset with him.

 

She cried and shouted at him "so daddy, when you always lectured me about boys, and when you set rules for me about respecting myself and being respected while you were f**king around on my mother. So why didn't you ever say to me don't marry someone like you dad."

 

My daughter, his little girl, and so much damage, when hypocrisy destroys so much.

 

Damn, writing this has made me feel so sad.

WOW!! Your husband must have wanted to just crawl into hole and die after that.

If that alone doesn't make him change his ways, nothing will.

[underwater2010]

To me hypocrisy is BSs wondering why OW did not refrain from having the EMR out of empathy for them while clearly lacking empathy for the OW.

You cant put the cart before the horse. Why should a BS have empathy for someone that made a decision to ignore the marriage and carry on an affair? The empathy a BS asks of a WS/OW/OM is for the pain they helped cause.

 

There is no hypocrisy there.....the BS did not hurt anyone until the first blow was delivered.

[Furious]

It was very difficult to write about my daughter and her painful reaction to learning I was divorcing her dad.

 

I didn't want to lie to her, and yet how could I tell her that i discovered his affair without crashing her world.

 

I decided to tell the bare minimum and no details, I told her this was between me and her father, and nothing about the love we have for both you and your brother.

 

She started crying, she grabbed the phone and called her dad, she was shaking and calling him a hypocrite, she said those things I mentioned in my previous post.

 

It's now over one and half years since that day, both my children were in IC for most of this time. Thank god they're doing well now and are rebuilding their relationship with their dad.

 

My husband has worked so hard to regain their love and trust. I don't think it will ever be the same again, their innocence was crushed, and I worry of the long term effects this will have in their future relationships.

 

The cost of selfishness and hypocrisy is very high. I think those who are willing to risk so much don't really know how steep that cost really is until they see the pain they've caused.

[underwater2010]

I do not support infidelity. I do not practice it myself. I am doing everything in my power to support my MM in dealing with the issues which cause him to be unfaithful.

You have stated many times that you do not do infidelity...please tell me that you do realize you are involved in an affair with a MM. There for you are participating in infidelity....willingly at that.

[whichwayisup]

I am in an EMR under protest. From day one I have told him I do not approve of his behavior and would not do so myself.

 

One day you might look back at this and see things from a more healthy and open minded view. In your situation, it makes sense to you now, but in the future, when your A ends (all A's eventually end) you very well could feel completely differently. You are settling, whether you care to admit that or not. Protesting means not participating in something you feel strongly about. You are enabling him everyday and by staying you're giving the OK for his behaviour and treatment towards you and to his wife.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I am in an EMR under protest. From day one I have told him I do not approve of his behavior and would not do so myself.

 

You're not under protest. You're in denial. You don't approve of his behavior but yet you actively enable it. You are an active participant. That is hypocrisy. It's like saying "I don't approve of you robbing gas stations, but I'll drive the get away car and split the money with you. I'm not robbing gas stations, I'm just driving a car around town."

 

Am I the only one that sees the irony in your Matrix theme? In the Matrix, Trinity and Neo are two of the few that sees the reality of the situation, while everyone else is living in ignorant bliss.

 

When it comes to your affair, it is the opposite. At some point you swallowed the blue pill, while everyone else took the red pill.

 

To quote Cypher, “I know this steak doesn’t exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss.”

 

You call it "EMR"; I call it "Adultery" or extra marital affair (EMA).

[whichwayisup]

LOL (literally laughing out loud) One day You may look back at this and see it from a more healthy and openminded perspective. (I never regret good sex.)

 

This isn't about sex Trinity.

 

You can laugh all you want, glad you find it funny! But seriously, back on topic, it's hypocritical and betrayed/stayed is right, you're in denial. Maybe just as Neo's wife is - She refuses to maybe admit he is cheating on her, so she accepts things as they are. Neither of you are the winners here. Neo is. You both deserve so much better, though neither of you will see it that way because you both "love" him.

[nofool4u]

You find it hypocritical. I don't since I'm living according to the morals I hold myself to. The morals I expect other women to treat me according to.

 

You expect to be disrespected??

[Betrayed&Stayed]

It doesn't seem blissful on your side though.

 

I lived in ignorant bliss for 8 years. Having lived in both worlds, I'll take the honest reality over ignorant bliss any day of the week. Regardless of how hurtful or ugly the truth may be.

[jlola]

Virtual names for a happy virtual affair countries apart. The perfect scenario. He can do as he pleases since nothing can be checked. He can take that boring business trip he so dislikes while actually sitting on a beach in Tahiti with his wife. Such a perfect affair worlds apart.

 

A friend was having an affair with a married woman. Her facebook was not public. So he never asked to see it. We happened to have a mutual friend. While at her house she looked at this woman's facebook(she did not know of affair). It showed her holding hands with husband while most other couples with them did not ,vacations,very affectionate.

 

My friend was told the husband was cold and not affectionate. The pictures were very recent. Husband looked at her with love.

 

This is from a woman who sent her affair partner love letters,spoke about children together,leaving her husband for him, so unhappy in marriage ect. Oh, she also asked for loyalty from him.

 

When I asked him why it was taking so long to leave husband he said "divorce was looked down upon in her culture"(She was Eastern European)Really?????. I then asked if infidelity was more acceptable in "her culture" . But then it seemed she only cared if her image was tainted.

 

Needless to say, he got a big surprise when he saw the "body language" in the pictures and woke him up from his fog. Woman was a classic "Cake eater" who basked in the attention 2 men were giving her.

[SidLyon]

Even if it were the case than an A constituted "abuse", which I don't agree with, I do not see it as hypocritical to assist delivering a taste of their own medicine to an abusive (by the real definition of the word) BS.

 

Yet the BS that is willing to dish it out, but not take it - that, surely, is hypocrisy?

 

I agree that a spouse who dishes out infidelity but is unwilling to take it is being hypocritical.

 

However I disagree with your view on infidelity not being abuse. In many cases, infidelity does constitute emotional and psychological abuse of the BS and sometimes even physical abuse, Eg by exposing an unsuspecting BS to STDs or having sex with him/her without informed consent. This view is supported by many "experts" on infidelity.

 

Therefore I find it hypocritical for an OW/OM to condemn spousal abuse generally, while actively helping/supporting their married AP in abusing his/her BS.

 

I would really like to see OWs, in particular, who are against all forms of spousal abuse, address this aspect of the issue; ie how do they rationalise participating/enabling their MM to abuse another woman (the BW)? Is it just that they are hypocrites? Or do they feel that it's acceptable because the BW herself has done wrong, or do they ignore it by redefining "abuse", as in the post I've quoted above? But perhaps that is a topic for another thread.

 

I thought I had a post saying this before but it must have been deleted due to me extending my comments on a more personal level, for which I apologise.

[threelaurels]

There is also a vast difference between how women and men are viewed in relation to affairs. Men having affairs tends to be more accepted than women because most cultures emphasize female chastity.

 

An extreme example of this gender difference would be in the capital punishment of people who have committed adultery. Women have historically been more likely to be stoned to death for engaging in an affair than men according to Amnesty International. Stoning for adultery still happens in a few countries, and adultery is in fact illegal in many places. It is actually illegal in 23 states in the US (and some states is a felony)! Though I doubt many people are prosecuted for it.

 

This gender discrimination is obviously hypocritical, which relates back to the topic at hand

Edited March 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Robert]

A gentle reminder of the topic:

 

Lets play nice people, you know who you are, the latest thread jack has been deleted.

 

 

Good morning,

 

Here's today's topic:

 

I know my cheating husband was a hypocrite, he has admitted that he would have been devastated if I had cheated on him.

 

I think cheaters are hypocrites and I'm looking for opinions as to to whether others agree or disagree.

 

As this is the infidelity forum, and the thread starter has shared their personal experience, the discussion is focused on their experience and agreement/disagreement regarding whether 'cheaters' in general are hypocrites. Threadjacks into other member's personal situations are off-topic. There are free threads available in the appropriate forums to discuss those subjects.

 

As always, be mindful of the community guidelines for civil and respectful discussion when choosing to make postings on our forums. Thank you. This thread has been edited.

[Darth Vader]

I lived in ignorant bliss for 8 years. Having lived in both worlds, I'll take the honest reality over ignorant bliss any day of the week. Regardless of how hurtful or ugly the truth may be.

 

 

Don't forget, you can Divorce your wife at anytime, you have absolute no obligation to stay married to her. What ever you do, don't stay married to a cheater for the children, it won't work!

 

Furthermore, IMO, (from reading your Thread/s) I think you want some strange on the side for yourself (perhaps to even the score), Ex: exchanging your wife in for two 20 year olds. I get that somehow from you after being lied to for 8 years, your wife humiliating you and disrespecting you and exposing you to STD's, screwing her OM in your own home (possibly in your own bed where you slept at as well for all that time, EW!) Then on top of it all she had the gall to wait until she got preggers and then told you and gave you absolutely NO CHOICE about your own life! Why are you STILL taking that from her? I gotta say, drop her ASS! She ain't worth it man! You're worth so much more and can do way better than her! You deserve better than her!

[Darth Vader]

Honestly, do you think she would take all of this from you, um, HELL NO! Your ASS would have drop kicked out long ago! What Hypocrisy!

[AnotherRound]

I don't think that cheaters are innately hypocrites - nor do I think that being in an A makes someone an automatic hypocrite. Anymore than someone neglecting their SO but expecting that SO not to seek intimacy outside makes the neglectful person a hypocrite.

 

Being a hypocrite is about preaching one thing while doing another. In many cases, the BS is aware of what is going on. Or at the least, the WS is not sitting around preaching about fidelity all day long to everyone within earshot. I think that maybe you were looking for a different word here? Maybe hypocrite isn't the word you wanted?

[AnotherRound]

Depends - was the WS preaching about fidelity at home? Telling the BS that they were being faithful? If not - then it's not hypocrisy - it's something, but not hypocrisy.

 

My situation was different, the BS was aware, there was no secrecy. The BS chose not to seek further information, that was her choice. My exMM wasn't telling her he was faithful to her - in fact, he was explaining to her exactly why he wasn't being faithful. So, no, in that situation - no hypocrisy. And as far as him being okay with her "stepping out" - yeah, he was okay with that and realized that it would be hypocritical to become angry if she did so. Just as he realized that it would be hypocritical to get angry with me if I had not been exclusive with him as he was married. I was, but he knew that had he demanded it he would have looked pretty silly, all things considered.

 

Hypocrisy is not what you think it is maybe? And sure, there are some WSs who are hypocritical, just as there are some BSs who are - and some OW/OM who are. But to say that all are seems a huge stretch to me - just like assuming all WSs are abusing their BSs , etc.

 

No, having an A is not hypocritical (definition is needed maybe?). Yes, preaching fidelity and then having an A is hypocritical. I think it's the wrong word, or that the definition isn't clear.

[AnotherRound]

Well, that would be ridiculous, lol. But, if a they are stating on an almost daily basis that they are NOT being faithful - then it's not hypocrisy. I guess in some instances, if they are pretending that the fidelity vow still stands it could be skewed to be called hypocrisy... but it's still a stretch, imo.

 

I would call it dishonest, inconsiderate, selfish - but not hypocritical. But if someone is telling me that they are not being faithful - I'm not sure I would scream hypocrite at them, lol, as that isn't really the definition of hypocrite.

[AnotherRound]

How insulting. SMH

 

 

Sorry if you thought that was insulting - It was an honest observation, as what she is describing isn't exactly hypocrisy. In some cases, I'm sure there are hypocritical WSs and or OW/OM - but I don't think an A is innately hypocritical. There are far too many variables to consider to push them all into one category and assume that ALL involved in As are hypocritical.

 

I honestly thought she was confused about the definition of the word.

[Decorative]

Sorry if you thought that was insulting - It was an honest observation, as what she is describing isn't exactly hypocrisy. In some cases, I'm sure there are hypocritical WSs and or OW/OM - but I don't think an A is innately hypocritical. There are far too many variables to consider to push them all into one category and assume that ALL involved in As are hypocritical.

 

I honestly thought she was confused about the definition of the word.

 

I think hypocrisy and what it truly means is very, very clear.

 

Mental gymnastics need not apply.