??

[hildadragon]

I'm confused on why you are emailing him at the "family" email address.

 

He is gaslighting his wife. She may suspect, she may be gathering evidence. She may trust the lying piece of crap and because of his life, she believes him. He may have told her you are some girl who has a crush on him and he is trying to be your friend, but you keep trying to make more of it than a friendship.

 

You know he would kick you to the curb the instant she finds out? And you are okay with that? Why?

 

I respond to emails he sends to me. To not respond would raise her suspicion even more since she knows we are friends.

[hildadragon]

I don't doubt you one bit. I bet you did.

 

I don't doubt it either!

[hildadragon]

So he tells you that if it is discovered, it would have to be instantly over.

 

I'm not sure that is accurate.

 

I'm guessing wife knows. Wife figures he isn't strong enough to leave. Going through with a divorce takes strength.

 

I don't think your guy has really turned his mind to it. And if there is a DDay he is going to be all over the place.

 

I'm not sure he wants a divorce. He probably likes his life and he probably likes his wife well enough to live with her.

 

That's it exactly. He doesn't want a divorce and she doesn't either. He once said that if she does find out, she will demand NC and as living without me is not an option, they will have to separate. Not sure if that still applies. I fully expect though that if (when?) she finds out he will just throw me under the bus.

[Ms. Red]

That's it exactly. He doesn't want a divorce and she doesn't either. He once said that if she does find out, she will demand NC and as living without me is not an option, they will have to separate. Not sure if that still applies. I fully expect though that if (when?) she finds out he will just throw me under the bus.

 

That must suck to love someone knowing he will do that to you.

 

Get yourself prepared coz it will prolly happen too. It sounds like she's hot on the trail and it's only a matter of time that she'll find out.

[coffeebean201]

I should clarify what I said earlier..... She is suspicious and she may not know yet.

 

But I still agree with the rest. It will be a huge drama when she finds out and he will probably stay with her. His statement to you that it will be over matches the rest of his behaviour. None of the 3 of you would be happy with the result after DDay, but I suspect he will stay with her.

 

It takes a lot of strength to divorce, even with an OW that loves you. He doesn't sound like the type of man who is interested in a divorce, at all. But he enjoys you.

 

At this point have you thought about ending it and working on raising your profile in the community so that you have a fun social life with our without him?

 

It is the secrecy of the affair that puts everyone off. And then the pain for those that find out later. Don't underestimate her pain. It almost can't be quantified with a betrayal like this. And of course, his guilt will drive him to stay.....

[Survivor12]

No, not okay with this. There's is a long marriage and they both have much to lose if the marriage ends. For him it will ruin his respectable image, his business, finances, his relationship with family. For her, kicking him out will mean loss of social status, the big house, the meal ticket.

 

And you feel okay about taking part in causing this man you proclaim to love destroy his life? Before you say, "but he's making the choice to have an affair with me", ask yourself this: if someone you love were to hand you a needle filled with heroin & ask you to helo them shoot up, would you do it? Both are enabling behaviors. Part of loving someone is wanting and doing what is best for them and not causing or participating in bringing harm to them. Staying in this affair, knowing that it could destroy or damage every aspect of his life, is not an act of love but selfishness.

 

A couple of months ago, I told him the difference between me and his wife is that I love him knowing that he's a liar and a cheat but his wife doesn't know what he is capable of.

 

What does that mean? I assume that you were trying to prove your unconditional love, but what it really says is that you have little self respect and are willing to feed from the bottom of the barrel just to get a crumb. It also tells him that with you, there are no boundaries--it devalues you. It says that if you were his wife, he could cheat and lie and there would be no repercussions. You deserve better than that, don't you think?

 

Being in love, particularly when in an affair, can bring about a fog that clouds judgement and reason. Based on what logic you have expressed here, it is pretty obvious that the fog you are in is very dense. I believe that if you were to step out of the fog and look at the things you are thinking and feeling, you would be surprised at how you ever could have felt and done what you are feeling and doing.

 

I urge you to end this affair and avoid the even greater pain and damage to your self respect that you will incur if you continue.

 

As my ex used to say to me, "C'mon, you're better than that!" Fortunately, one day, I finally decided to believe him--and found out he was right.

[hildadragon]

After 30 years of marriage, I doubt she'll give up much of anything, particularly if she's stayed home to raise the family. He however, will most likely lose everything.

 

 

 

His wife knows far more about him that you think. If she's questioning his actions after 30 years, she is well aware of who and what he is.

 

Your original question was 'does she know'. Well I can tell you that although the thoughts are crossing her mind, it's easy for her to believe him when he says there is nothing going on. Why? Because it's what she wants to be true. She wants to just be overly suspicious and nothing is going on behind her back. She wants him to be the good faithful husband every woman wants. BSs will believe all sorts of crazy things because their mind simply won't let them go where they should go. It's the same reason that OW believe the lies that OM tell them - they want these things to be true.

 

Just look on this site and how many OW end up heartbroken years into an affair when they finally accept that MM is not leaving his wife for her, that she has been led to believe in a promise that was never going to come true. Generally, OM/OW know that this is how it will end, but they believe the opposite. Why? Because it's what they want. They want for their relationship to be different. They want their love to matter more than anything else. They want to be the 'special' one that meant more than the MM/MW's spouse, family, etc. Eventually they end up here, posting about how hurt they are and that they've given up.

 

Again, people will believe some very tall tales if believing the alternative means they must confront a very harsh, ugly reality.

This is an interesting insight - thank you. I suppose she may just be turning a blind eye and believing the comforting bull crap he uses to cover his tracks.

 

I already know that 'we' are not special. I am under no illusions.

[hildadragon]

I should clarify what I said earlier..... She is suspicious and she may not know yet.

 

But I still agree with the rest. It will be a huge drama when she finds out and he will probably stay with her. His statement to you that it will be over matches the rest of his behaviour. None of the 3 of you would be happy with the result after DDay, but I suspect he will stay with her.

 

It takes a lot of strength to divorce, even with an OW that loves you. He doesn't sound like the type of man who is interested in a divorce, at all. But he enjoys you.

 

At this point have you thought about ending it and working on raising your profile in the community so that you have a fun social life with our without him?

 

It is the secrecy of the affair that puts everyone off. And then the pain for those that find out later. Don't underestimate her pain. It almost can't be quantified with a betrayal like this. And of course, his guilt will drive him to stay.....

My guilt may drive me to take the high road before the **** collides with the fan..

[2sure]

She probably is head burying.... it happens a lot

 

 

I have never known anyone personally who bury their head to an affair, but I have known quite a few who really just dont give a shyte as long as it doesnt effect them.

[hildadragon]

I have never known anyone personally who bury their head to an affair, but I have known quite a few who really just dont give a shyte as long as it doesnt effect them.

 

This is also a possibility, that she knows and doesn't care too much. He says she seems happier of late. When I asked why, he tells me that he has stopped pestering her for sex. His words, not mine.

[hildadragon]

She most likely is. Take my word for it - people believe all kinds of insanity because the alternative hurts too much.

 

I meant no disrespect to you or your situation. I was just giving the other side of the same discussion. Both sides are taken in on a daily basis by the lies. Why? Because it's safe.

 

I'm grateful for all opinions, not just the ones that are palatable.

[threelaurels]

This is also a possibility, that she knows and doesn't care too much. He says she seems happier of late. When I asked why, he tells me that he has stopped pestering her for sex. His words, not mine.

 

Changes in behavior towards her will lead to the discovery of the affair, if she doesn't already know. She's not happier and she does care. He's seeing what he wants to see. Can you really imagine the average person not caring at all that their spouse of so many years is unfaithful?

 

I hope, for her sake, she is getting her ducks in a row and he'll soon be served with a divorce request that takes him for all he's worth.

[whichwayisup]

I say ti would be impossible not to know when someone is lying after 30 years marriage. I have the same with my mm's BS

 

As I said earlier, some MM and MW are extremely good at lying.

 

I know it's not a great comparison but it popped into my head..Google Russell Williams. There are some people who can lie without blinking and look one straight in the eye. Just sayin', don't assume that a BS (BW or BH) knows that their spouse is lying to them, especially after 30 years.

[hildadragon]

Changes in behavior towards her will lead to the discovery of the affair, if she doesn't already know. She's not happier and she does care. He's seeing what he wants to see. Can you really imagine the average person not caring at all that their spouse of so many years is unfaithful?

 

I hope, for her sake, she is getting her ducks in a row and he'll soon be served with a divorce request that takes him for all he's worth.

 

This could happen but I think it is more likely she will stay.

[whichwayisup]

My guilt may drive me to take the high road before the **** collides with the fan..

 

All the more reason to think about ending it and walking away. Your gut instinct knows this is wrong, the guilt you feel, will only get worse as time goes on. You may even physically not feel well or lose weight, emotional stress can do weird things. To know that if you two are found out, he for sure is going to throw you under the bus isn't a nice feeling to have and knowing your fate is probably doesn't help either. This guy has no intention of walking out of 30 year old marriage, reguardless of what he does or doesn't feel for his wife after all this time.

[Catplates]

If she's a trusting loving wife who has had no reason to doubt him, then I do believe she can remain oblivious.

 

If he is a good liar and knows her well, he will be able to explain away the smallest query and manipulate her.

 

After 30 years, people know each other pretty well. She could well have suspicions and be jealous but I'll bet he has an excuse for everything.

[Spark1111]

The easiest person in the world to lie to is the one who has known you and trusted you the longest.

 

It is like shooting fish in a barrel.

 

You love them, you trust them, so no, you do not suspect them of a betrayal the magnitude of infidelity.

 

You think...Oh, a friend, well okay. Maybe a harmless flirtation. I will keep an eye on it, but after all this time together, I will choose to trust my life partner.

 

To NOT do so makes your entire married life a lie.

 

What is obvious to anyone else, is the last place a trusting, loving spouse would even choose to look or consider.

 

Why?

 

It would be a betrayal of themselves and all that they value. And a WS manipulates that trust very, very easily.

[hildadragon]

The easiest person in the world to lie to is the one who has known you and trusted you the longest.

 

It is like shooting fish in a barrel.

 

You love them, you trust them, so no, you do not suspect them of a betrayal the magnitude of infidelity.

 

You think...Oh, a friend, well okay. Maybe a harmless flirtation. I will keep an eye on it, but after all this time together, I will choose to trust my life partner.

 

To NOT do so makes your entire married life a lie.

 

What is obvious to anyone else, is the last place a trusting, loving spouse would even choose to look or consider.

 

Why?

 

It would be a betrayal of themselves and all that they value. And a WS manipulates that trust very, very easily.

 

Having read and listened to all your responses, I feel terrible about this. I know this is doomed to failure and that I'll have to do without him. After he's gone, I will, through choice, be alone.

 

Huge thanks for all your responses.