Working hard to cope, still hard though.

[EggyComics]

My ex broke up with me back in December of last year. We maintained a long distance relationship for 5 months before she decided she couldn't bear it any longer. I had left for Japan in pursuit of a career back in August, and I left under the assumption that she'd follow me here soon. She told me she would.

 

Now that's all over, and it left a devastating effect on me.

Grief, sorrow, and suicidal thoughts ran rampant for the first two months after the break-up. I cried so much to the point that I grew sick of it. I thought two months would enough for grieving, and I'd start to pick myself up.

 

I registered and joined gym. I swimmed. I took a long walk. I explored the surroundings. I took pictures. I went to a Japanese temple. I went in stores I've never been before. I ate my favorite sushi at a sushi bar. I went to the local park and looked at the ducks. I locked my key in my car and had to ask for a spare. I tried my hands at a new recipe and cut my hand. I lived.

 

I'm glad I did all of those things, but a sense of grief started to grow from the bottom of my heart which caught me off guard. Why is it that in pursuit of my own happiness, I'm still reminded of her? I contemplated about this unintended sadness.

 

Then I realized: these were all the things that I wanted to do with her. You see, after I arrived here, I had put a lot of things on hold. I was waiting for her to join me so we can do all these things together. I held off walking around the neighborhood. I held off trying new restaurants. I held off driving around and exploring my new town. I saved so much money so we could spend it all together. I held off LIVING. I held off MY OWN HAPPINESS. I became a recluse.

 

For the first time in 7 months after I had arrived here, I finally walked out of my apartment. Yet as I walk out, I lament the loss of the my past 7 months. I lament the loss of my goals and aspiration when I first arrived here. But most of all, above all else, I lament the loss of her even though I try my best not to.

 

She wonders why I could stay sad for so long. She wonders why I haven't let go yet. How could I? Despite of my best effor to forget, I'm reminded of my broken dream everyday I spend living here. I still drive the same car I had bought for her. I still roam the same empty house that I had envisioned us living together in. Even in pursuit of my own happiness, I'm reminded of what could've been, what would've been.

 

Everyday I'm living a dashed dream. I'm working hard to heal, but it still hurts.

[gravi1]

Dear friend, some questions are hard or near impossible to answer. I too strugled with someone who betrayed me very badly.I strugled and the pain was overwhelming.It seemed my world has ended.I asked myself every minute,could she not just love me and stop hurting me.I love her so much but she just has eyes for other man.I was leading a very restless life.She lied to me adjusted lies and tricked me to be with other men/man.She would come back and tel me that she loves me everytime ask for a last chance etc.

 

I must say I was confused and my head was in pain every single day.I felt that if I cut contact with her,that I would loose her forever, if only I could say something to make her love me or take away everything she's doing. But to no avail.

 

I did cut contact, and for a while she used to text and tell me that she loves me wants to be with me etc. but I ignored. I did two things,I followed the advise of some sensible replies and posts here, and I pray. Without these two things I think I would have put my hand on my own life.I am not 100% but I have learned to cope.

 

I dont think any good advise or gym or good food or pedicure can take away your deep hurt and betrayal, but please do acknowledge the existance and power of an Higher Power-God has the power to heal-go to himtell him your problem and believe, he has the ultimate answer.You dont need to become a devaut religious man, just faith and effort.I am not forcing Christiaanity on you or anyone who reads this, all I am saying is that, whatever us as human beings cant carry a higher power can.It helps.

 

To be let down by someone you love is not even the strongest mans cakewalk.