Unsure and lost in a 30 month relationship

[katylou84]

Hello All,

I never thought I would be writing one of these but I have hit a crisis in my life.

I turn 29 next month and have been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for 2 years 6 months. When I met him he was studying for his charter and we became very close quickly and i helped him through his last 2 years of his charter and supported him 100%. He qualified last september and i really thought life would get started now he did not have the burdon and stress of studying as much as he did.

He is 28 and a year younger then me. He always had a dream about Canada and maybe moving there. We went for a holiday over there after he chartered and i thought it would help either

A. Getting it out his system

B. help decide exactly if its what he wants and for him to form a plan to do it

I always made my dreams clear, very straightforward I wanted to buy a house, get married and have a baby - not straight away but I was hoping by reaching 30 I would be almost there and after investing everything into him for 2 years and 6 months it would have been nice if he had thought about a proposal at least. I did mention it to him a couple of weeks ago and asked him to be honest with me as if any of my dreams will not come true I needed to know the short version is he said "i believe I will give you those things, someday" "someday" seems to be the only commitment I get from him. I dont want to go to Canada for a number of reasons but mainly because I have a decent job here, I have savings I want to use those savings to buy a house not on plane journeys and set up costs and if I ever do get the chance to become a mother I dont want to be 10 hours from my family.

He said he would consider UK options and we recently went to where I come from (3 hours away) and looked at places to live and even viewed some houses but he is still not sure, I ask him how he feels about Canada and he is unsure about that.

He really wants to move from where he is from and where we live now and change jobs which is fine with me, I would love to return to my roots.

My biggest problem is he is so unsure about everything, I know he loves me he is no cheat but how much longer can i keep going without not working towards a future. I am not getting any younger and i want to make a life.

My Mum lives in europe and i spoke to her and she suggested walking away as he has shown me no guareentees for the future, I love him so much and I do everything to make him happy but as each month goes by i feel myself getting more and more depressed about how nothing is happening and we are stuck in limbo.

I watch all my friends from back home getting engaged/married having children and I have none of it and I am such a motivated person and so hard working and this last couple of months I feel tired all the time and starting to get depressed.

I ask him what are we going to do and he says "I dont know, I wish everything would be ok" but he does not do anything to make it ok. When we spoke I said to him "look i love you so go follow your dream" he said "Its not my dream if your not there" and I said "if canada is so important why dont you sell it to me a bit more, show me things" but he does no research it feels like he just has it as a dream to justify not taking any action in life.

Its hard for me, I am on my own here with him and my family is away I dont really have a lot of people to talk to and I dont want to worry my friends,

Does life really just work out? I am a believer in taking action things just dont happen without work? or do they.

I am so confused and unhappy and I cant keep going like this.

[TaraMaiden]

I see what's happening here.

 

What's happening here, is that the Emotional Heart, is getting in the way of the Practical Head.

 

You must never, absolutely cannot ever, permit Emotion to cloud Practical judgement.

 

Your Mum is right.

 

He is what one might describe as a commitment-phobe.

 

Everything he's said and done, points to a laid-back, no-effort attitude....

If it means work on his part - he abdicates that effort....

 

There are a couple of other threads I seriously suggest you look at:

 

This one.....

 

and

 

this one too...

 

Basically, you're stuck - stripping away all the honeysuckle-and-roses from around the door - you're stuck with a laid-back individual who's happy with the status quo, and doesn't see why commitment, marriage and raising a family should get in his way.

 

he has everything he needs right now.

Why rock the boat?

 

The fact that you haven't really doesn't concern him; if you're not getting what you want out of this, it's your choice to leave....

 

Oh, you love him?

 

Well that's different.

You can sideline everything you ever hoped and dreamed of, because you love him.

That's all right then.....

 

Sadly, there is no 'Compromise' here.

At. All.

 

"Compromise is the Road to Ruin."

 

In this case, it's either one or the other.

And currently, he holds all the trump cards, because he doesn't have to commit his body, or a change of job, to being a parent.

 

For you, it's different.

 

You're the 'pig' he's the 'chicken.

 

When it comes to fried bacon and eggs, chickens contribute.

Pigs commit.

 

Right now - he's about as chicken as you could get.

 

Listen to your Mother.

[katylou84]

Wow, i have to say I knew a reply like that was coming but I still got a shock. Even had a little tear.

 

The hardest thing is when it gets as bad as this its hardest to feel strong.

 

I had an ex of 7 years who did a similar commit-phobe thing, who has now bought a house and has a baby after swearing its not want he wants.

 

It just feels so unfair why it keeps happening to me, I am not wanting to sound pitiful but I am obviously doing something wrong.

 

I am a strong person and know I can get on with what needs to be done but being so in love with him and him being my best friend hurts like hell and I dont want to be without him.

 

I would do anything for him to just sort it out and change his mind - absolutely anything

[TaraMaiden]

You staying will do nothing to change his attitude.

 

You leaving - might.

 

It might not.

 

Don't leave with THAT motivation in mind.

 

leave for yourself.

 

If he realises the negative side of your leaving, he will have to make some changes.

 

But make sure he does them, or has them well and truly under his belt, if the opportunity to reconcile arises.

[SJC2008]

Commitment phobic people are emotionally unavailable people. Emotionally unavailable people pair up with emotionally unavailable people. There is a pattern here so that means you need to look at yourself. Is there initmacy in your relationship? Was there intimacy in your last relationship?

 

2.5 years isn't long enough for sure to say he's CP but given you already dated one it's likely he is. Reasearch the topic, see if the signs point to him. If they do then there's only one thing to do. After that figure out why you wind up with these types of men and start from scratch.

[boywonder123]

"if canada is so important why dont you sell it to me a bit more, show me things" but he does no research

 

Its hard for me, I am on my own here with him and my family is away I dont really have a lot of people to talk to and I dont want to worry my friends,

 

------------------

 

the way i see it, instead of getting him to change and do things you should take actions into your own hands to make yourself happier. U should research on your own and if friendships are an issue you should make new friends. Ive read a lot about relationships how one person would rely on their partner to make them happy. when it should me that other person should be an addition to your life and not have them maintain your happiness. I think the reason why he hasnt given a lot of thought into proposing because its too soon still for him or hasnt crossed his mind. If this is the case, DO MORE THINGS for him and make him see your qualities. make him envision what its like to be married. The only person you can control is yourself. once you have done ALL YOU CAN on your side of things, and hes still unresponsive..i feel you will know what to do by then. just my 2 cents

[CarboniteCammy]

My thought would be to try to nail him down on a time frame and try to force him to be specific. When he says, "Oh eventually," ask him exactly how long that he thinks that will be, and what needs to happen for him to feel comfortable settling down.

 

Tell him that you *need* for him to tell you what his timeline is. If he says, well, "I need to find a good job, good house, and then we can get married because I want to give you the life you deserve," that's a whole lot different then, "Yeah, I dunno. Sometime in the future, I guess."

[Mr. Lucky]

I see what's happening here.

 

What's happening here, is that the Emotional Heart, is getting in the way of the Practical Head.

 

You must never, absolutely cannot ever, permit Emotion to cloud Practical judgement.

 

Your Mum is right.

 

He is what one might describe as a commitment-phobe.

Spot on as to the conflict here between head and heart. And if you spend time here on Loveshack, I'm afraid you'll see that the heart often misleads .

 

katylou84, I'm not sure I'd describe him as phobic; I just think that his goals in life are completely different than yours. Doesn't make him right and you wrong but does make you incompatible. If there's a conflict between word and deed, I'll go with the actions every time. And as others have pointed out, his actions send a pretty clear message that he's not the one to make your dreams of marriage and family come true. Act accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[katylou84]

Thank you all for your replies,

I really appreciate all what has been said as I unbiased opinions really count and its been a big help.

I am not so emotional this week (head is winning) I am beginning steps to start thinking of moving on without getting to upset.

Its not so straightforward to sort out but I am off to see my mother in April to discuss how to do all of this.

I really like this forum!

[Keenly]

Pressuring him is not going to work btw.

[katylou84]

Hello Keenly,

 

I agree completly and my last intention would to be pressure him, I am honestly very laid back but when it comes to moving across the world and giving up everything and my career he should be meeting me at least half way. Its not that we so young and we have lived together for a year.

 

But I appreciate the male feedback.

[Mr. Lucky]

I agree completly and my last intention would to be pressure him, I am honestly very laid back but when it comes to moving across the world and giving up everything and my career he should be meeting me at least half way.

In your first post, you said at age 29 that you wanted to have your dreams "almost there" next year, at age 30. So you're certainly posting a mixed message here when you describe a "laid back" approach since marriage, house and kids are a multi-year undertaking.

 

Maybe you problem with him is similar - mixed messages. Perhaps as his plans have been all over the board, so have your responses. Maybe one last direct conversation is in order...

 

Mr. Lucky

[katylou84]

Hello Mr Luckly

 

I can definately see why you say that, I suppose I am not wanting everything now just wanted to be working towards it. By looking at buying a house and I wanted to do everything properly.

 

We spoke again last night and he is going to get a seconment through work to go to Canada, he met with HR and his manager. He talks about going for 6-12 months and then coming back. We both got upset, he said he wished he could give me everything I wanted, that i deserved it but he has to go do this. I understand in my early 20's I travelled for a year and addionally worked abroad for 2 summers where as he studied for most of the last 8 years with Uni and his charter.

He talks about getting back together then. That he knows its not over, I dunno how I feel about that because for me I think I will start to detatch in preparation for it not to happen, I dont know if I would want to get back together, I mean I might but although this may seem petty I dont know if i would want to be with someone who left me - perhaps thats just my emotion talking.

Although lovely to hear, I know how much going away changes you and there is also the fact that he may not come back or meet someone.

 

My company works throughout the UK so I am going to meet with my manager next week to talk about where to go best for the company and concentrate on my career and I may even buy a house myself depending if I go north or south (south costs so much more)

 

Nothing can happen overnight, we are still being amicable its just hard not to get upset as I cant believe its all happening, I knew in my gut instict that it was all a bit mess.

 

I guess we have just hit crossroads and he has to do what he has to do and same for me. But it does not make it any easier and hurts.

[Mr. Lucky]

But it does not make it any easier and hurts.

Tough situation but sounds like you're both handling it as well as could be expected. A more positive spin for you would be that these are the first few steps in the journey towards your goals, whether they happen with him, someone else or on your own. Good luck as keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky