sweetlilly Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 Hello! I am new to this forum, and I would greatly appreciate any insight concerning this situation of mine. I have a male friend of mine whom I have known for over four years now, and within that time frame, we became close friends...the question is how close can one "get" before it is no longer platonic? We have held hands before, cuddled...held each other in silence...we have both admitted our attraction to each other, but decided that friendship is more important. How do you explain the fact that when we are not together, we miss each other (we have a strong spiritual bond). Whenever he feels as if we are getting too close to each other, he pulls away and avoids me. I have accepted that nothing is going to happen between us because of our friendship...we have great conversations, and he inspires me...but while we have a "close friendship," his claim is that he is "in-love" with his roommate-the only woman he has ever been "intimately" involved with...a woman who is neither his friend or confidant- plus, they never did anything physically, and were never a couple. Whenever I try to clarify things between us, he brings up this roommate... and he refuses to discuss anything that is happening between us...is he scared or just confused? I have tried the "space" thing, but it is difficult because we have a close mutual friend in common-they live together, and/are sharing the same phone line. Any reply would be greatly appreciated. thank you! -Sweetlilly Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 He's in love with this other woman, however you want to qualify that. He's not in love with you -- and he doesn't want a romantic relationship. He's avoiding the topic because he feels like you want that when he doesn't. He's content to take whatever you're offering up to a point beyond which he couldn't argue you're only friends. He's not going to make out or sleep with you because that's definitely over the line. He's attracted to you to a degree. He likes you just fine. That doesn't spell longterm romance. He's going to play this fence-sitting game forever, at least until he finds a woman who really turns him on. Then, if she reciprocates, he's going to make her his girlfriend. That sucks -- and I'm sorry. Stop wasting your time hoping this one will come around. Find a real boyfriend. Keep him as a friend if it doesn't hurt too much. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetlilly Posted September 5, 2004 Author Share Posted September 5, 2004 Thank you Uriel for replying... ...although I must clarify something. My friend has never been in a long-term relationship before, and he is 33 years old. Knowing this information has allowed me to entertain the idea of a romantic relationship as a no-go. He has intimacy issues where he finds it hard to get close to others...and I am the closest he has ever gotten to a woman (at least emotionally). When he feels threatened, he starts talking about this roomate who he is not close to...I believe he is using her as a block because he is afraid of his feelings for me. I am keeping distance from him now, but there will be a time when he calls saying "I miss you," and by then, it will already be too late because I am tired of this game he is playing...thank goodness we are only friends!!! -Sweetlilly Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted September 6, 2004 Share Posted September 6, 2004 Then you're probably dealing with a commitmentphobe, which is a waste of time since it takes those guys years of therapy (if they're hardcore) to develop the ability to be emotionally reciprocal, open, and consistent in a romantic commitment. The guy I was in love with was like that -- the situation was much like the one you describe in your second post. I moved on and am much happier. Of course, I miss him and still love him, but I was so tired of being hurt. I wish you peace -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
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