is it just a trust issue?

[luvthesky]

First off this is my first time here but im desperate for advice so i did some google searching...

Ok, so I've been married for 3 years and been with her for 5-6 years.. We met in high school and are still quite young. We have two kids and seem like a normal family. We both work and are relationship seems fine. Like most marriages the sex could be better, but im not complaining too much.

The thing is my wife has been acting weird lately. She stays at work later now, but she couldn't stand her work place before, but now its actually fun. And then i checked her Facebook one day when she forgot to log out for fun and she was talking to a guy. I asked her who he was, and she said he was a good friend from high school. We didn't go to the same high school but i knew alot of the people that went to her school. Nobody knows who he is except for her best friend who i kind of think, is just covering for her. So i asked her how would she feel if i didn't want her talking to him anymore.

She said fine. The next day she comes up and ask "if I could have sex with any other girl that i knew right now who would it be..." I named an ex. and I asked her the same question... she hesitated but THE FRIENDS name eventually came up.

and then the thing that surprised me the most she said i could go hang out with my ex if she could hang out with her "friend"... but just hang out nothing more....

its been killing me all week... i haven't given her an answer but i assume she is already doing this behind my back. This is just not like her, in my gut feeling i just know something is not right...

OR is it just trust issues!!!!

Edited March 4, 2013 by luvthesky

[TaraMaiden]

OMG....

 

Hellooo....??

 

She's basically seeking your permission to go phukk the guy!

 

She asks you a leading question about who you would screw if you had the opportunity??

The right answer to that is - "Nobody honey, you're all I'd ever need in any way....."

(The fact that she asked you "The very next day" after you told her you didn't want her talking to him any more should have been a massive red flag, right....?)

 

No.

You have to tell her 'your ex'.

 

So of course, this leads her onto

 

"Great! There IS someone he would get it on with!"

 

So she tells you it's this 'old friend from High School'....? (of course he is..... )

 

And then tells you she wouldn't mind if you hung out with your ex??

 

Man, why don't you just tell her to bring him round any time she wants, and you'll just go for a long walk, or sit and wait in the living room, while they carry on in the bedroom....?

 

She wants your clearance to bang the guy.

 

Trust my foot.

 

This is a cheat issue.

 

You need to nip it in the bud. Right now.

 

Or else, you're going to come on here with a thread, titled,

 

"I said she could hang out with him - but she ended up having sex!"

 

 

Oooooh yeah.

[dichotomy]

its been killing me all week... i haven't given her an answer but i assume she is already doing this behind my back. This is just not like her, in my gut feeling i just know something is not right...

OR is it just trust issues!!!!

 

Here is something I have read and know - if your gut tells you something is up - it probably is. Your assumption is probably right.. and this point if it helps you, keep repeating these words.... "Trust but verify"

 

Rather than "telling her" what to do/not do (which is a power thing),- I would approach her with the following statement "honey been giving your question some thought and...."

 

1) Belief statement "I believe in complete commitment, honesty, and faithfulness, and I would never see my ex, or any women who I had any feelings with past or present - because you are my wife and partner. I have no needs or desires for any woman but you."

 

2) Boundary statement "If you were to be hiding seeing a man alone , or having conversations with another man for which you had any feelings, or with which you had past relationship, or sharing things only meant for a husband, I would consider it a betrayal of our marriage vows of commitment to one another"

 

You see with either 1 or 2 - you are not TELLING her what to do but either 1) positively expressing your deep beliefs on faithfulness about her (positive) or 2) Establishing a very clear boundary in the marriage for you ( a warning - your reaction to her possible action)

 

you can reword these anyway you like - but I would start with #1, and when she begins to argue or diminish your concerns (but honey its nothing)- follow with #2 the BOUNDARY.

 

There is a whole book on using boundaries in marriage rather than control. Extreme example - You can yell at someone "I can't believe you might steal those jewels! I forbid you to steal those jewels!" .....or you can calmly say ...with authority.... "I would consider stealing those jewels to be grand larceny and it carries a 7 year minimum jail sentence". See the difference. One is accusation/power/control/anger, the other is a place of authority/consequences in your world.

 

 

Lastly - and I know it is immoral/wrong/privacy .......but start snooping/spying a little more.

Edited March 4, 2013 by dichotomy

[luvthesky]

Here is something I have read and know - if your gut tells you something is up - it probably is. Your assumption is probably right.. and this point if it helps you, keep repeating these words.... "Trust but verify"

 

Rather than "telling her" what to do/not do (which is a power thing),- I would approach her with the following statement "honey been giving your question some thought and...."

 

1) Belief statement "I believe in complete commitment, honesty, and faithfulness, and I would never see my ex, or any women who I had any feelings with past or present - because you are my wife and partner. I have no needs or desires for any woman but you."

 

 

I have actually tried to talk to her very calm.. I even try to go along with it just to find out the truth behind her feelings, but i feel like she has put up a wall. How do i get pass that without accusing her. I have no idea what my next step should be.

2) Boundary statement "If you were to be hiding seeing a man alone , or having conversations with another man for which you had any feelings, or with which you had past relationship, or sharing things only meant for a husband, I would consider it a betrayal of our marriage vows of commitment to one another"

 

You see with either 1 or 2 - you are not TELLING her what to do but either 1) positively expressing your deep beliefs on faithfulness about her (positive) or 2) Establishing a very clear boundary in the marriage for you ( a warning - your reaction to her possible action)

 

you can reword these anyway you like - but I would start with #1, and when she begins to argue or diminish your concerns (but honey its nothing)- follow with #2 the BOUNDARY.

 

There is a whole book on using boundaries in marriage rather than control. Example - You can yell at someone "I forbid you to steal those jewels!" .....or you can calmly say ...with authority.... "I would consider stealing those jewels to be grand larceny and it carries a 7 year minimum jail sentence". See the difference. One is power/control anger, the other is a place of authority over your world.

 

 

Lastly - and I know it is immoral/wrong/privacy .......but start snooping/spying a little more.

I have actually tried to talk to her very calm.. I even try to go along with it just to find out the truth behind her feelings, but i feel like she has put up a wall. How do i get pass that without accusing her. I have no idea what my next step should be.

[luvthesky]

OMG....

 

 

 

Trust my foot.

 

This is a cheat issue.

 

You need to nip it in the bud. Right now.

 

Or else, you're going to come on here with a thread, titled,

 

"I said she could hang out with him - but she ended up having sex!"

 

 

Oooooh yeah.

 

I know i could prevent it from happening, But i really want to know where her heart stands. "Is she still in love with me" , is the big question.

[dichotomy]

I have actually tried to talk to her very calm.. I even try to go along with it just to find out the truth behind her feelings, but i feel like she has put up a wall. How do i get pass that without accusing her. I have no idea what my next step should be.

 

 

1) **** trying to find her feelings - she is not going to tell you right now. Be a Man - Establish the boundary now. " If you were seeing or communicating with another man in secret or alone for which you had feelings, I would consider it a betrayal and end of our marriage ". Let her be pissed ...state that you Trust she is NOT doing this but SINCE SHE BROUGHT IT UP - you just wanted to let her know this is an established a boundary FOR YOU in the marriage.

 

2) Install monitoring software on the computer - you can remove it later. Trust but verify. Start looking into her phone for calls or texts. Sorry about this -I know it is a terrible violation of privacy - but my radar is going off big time, based on your story - and I have been burned before.

Edited March 4, 2013 by dichotomy

[TaraMaiden]

Anyone who is in a fixed and committed relationship, who patently, obviously makes it abundantly clear they'd like to screw someone else - is NOT in love.

[luvthesky]

thank you for your input everyone... My gut is telling me to to put my foot down... but after this... how will i move one from this? how will i know if she is still in love with me? How do i know this will be the end of it? Can i sleep next to someone knowing that she has her heart set on someone else?

[TaraMaiden]

By communicating effectively.

By taking a good, long, hard look at your relationship and without accusing, without recriminations, without apportioning blame, both taking JOINT responsibility for what is missing in your relationship.

 

Because when people try to fill that gap from outside, the rot inside, sets in.

Or has already begun to.

 

Talk with each other. Not 'to' - 'with'.

 

Listen.

What is she telling you is missing?

What are you missing from her....?

 

Find the SOURCE of the problem.

because he wanting to seek validation outside of your marriage, is merely a symptom of something that is amiss.

[dichotomy]

thank you for your input everyone... My gut is telling me to to put my foot down... but after this... how will i move one from this? how will i know if she is still in love with me? How do i know this will be the end of it? Can i sleep next to someone knowing that she has her heart set on someone else?

 

 

Please see my previous advice "to know". Putting your foot down is a bit harsh - remember it should be confident and calm and then drop it. Do not seek validation, keeping asking her for information, or appear weak.

Edited March 5, 2013 by dichotomy

[kamani]

I feel something is not OK, but yet it's a trust issue. I agree you should eliminate it from the bud. Have an open discussion and find out what is missing in your marriage. My gut says she hasn't cheated you yet.

[luvthesky]

ok so my wife came clean... but she says she is in love and cant let the guy go, but she wont leave me either... PLEASE HELP... what steps do i take next... i walked out, and trying to process everything... im lost and confused... currently im in a hotel...

i love her so much... my brain is telling me to kick her out.. my heart longs for her even more

[twosadthings]

Metaphorically speaking you can get a heart transplant by leaving her and loving another but you can't ever get rid of the thought of her being in love with her ex and being willing to cause you hurt especially if you continue to live it.

 

If you allow her to run the show she will bring you down badly.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings

[dichotomy]

I am sorry - Hold on pal.

 

First off - you should have asked her to leave not you. Go back to your home - ask her to leave, or at a minimum that she is to sleep in another room. Say your marriage is over, and get a good lawyer. If the OM is married, inform HIS wife immediately. Protect your money (half for sure) and cancel any joint credit cards - cut her off.

 

Get angry. Not easy, pal - I have been there... I found out my first wife was having an affair and I got all weak and scared, tried to save the marriage. While I was try to work things out - she kept seeing the other guy trying to get him to jump to her. Years later I felt like such a chump, and what a waste of my time. I know your scared, you love her, you are not sure what life has for you, or you will be alone, but it will get better. I was lucky in that I had no kids - your wife will likely get kids, your money each month, and get the other guy as well (for a while). Keep your dignity and strength. You will find another woman !!!!!

 

 

A little late - but here is something for you.http://chumplady.com/2012/05/what-not-to-do/

Edited March 10, 2013 by dichotomy

[seibert253]

ok so my wife came clean... but she says she is in love and cant let the guy go, but she wont leave me either... PLEASE HELP... what steps do i take next... i walked out, and trying to process everything... im lost and confused... currently im in a hotel...

i love her so much... my brain is telling me to kick her out.. my heart longs for her even more

 

Classic cakeating.

GO BACK HOME right now.

 

What you need to do is rather simple, problem is do you have the courage to do it.

You need to go home and have a simple conversation with your W. Let her know you love her, wish to spend the rest of your life with her, but you refuse to share her or her love. Then tell her she can end ALL contact with this friend and commit to fixing your M, or she can move out and you will D her.

 

Non negotiable, it's all or nothing.

 

Until you put your foot down and stand up for yourself, she will walk all over you.

 

Best of luck mate.

[luvthesky]

I am sorry - Hold on pal.

 

First off - you should have asked her to leave not you. Go back to your home - ask her to leave, or at a minimum that she is to sleep in another room. Say your marriage is over, and get a good lawyer. If the OM is married, inform HIS wife immediately. Protect your money (half for sure) and cancel any joint credit cards - cut her off.

 

Get angry. Not easy, pal - I have been there... I found out my first wife was having an affair and I got all weak and scared, tried to save the marriage. While I was try to work things out - she kept seeing the other guy trying to get him to jump to her. Years later I felt like such a chump, and what a waste of my time. I know your scared, you love her, you are not sure what life has for you, or you will be alone, but it will get better. I was lucky in that I had no kids - your wife will likely get kids, your money each month, and get the other guy as well (for a while). Keep your dignity and strength. You will find another woman !!!!!

 

 

A little late - but here is something for you.What NOT to do

 

 

thats exactly how i feel... seriously though... i just cant let her go... 3 years ago i would of never cared... but now.... I cant lost her... but i know it in my heart that it will happen again.. and our marriage will never work... but how can i stop this hurt so i can think clearly

[dichotomy]

but i know it in my heart that it will happen again.. and our marriage will never work... but how can i stop this hurt so i can think clearly

 

Check with your doctor - see if he can prescribe a short amount of Benzo's.

 

During my the separation/divorce and for a year afterwards - I was a mess and deeply depressed over such a cruel betrayal. I did get into therapy right away, and meds for depression. But my doc told me that what I simply needed was time.

Edited March 10, 2013 by dichotomy

[Thegameoflife]

When a spouse says they love someone new, you've pretty much missed the boat on the river of opportunity. The only chance that she would stay is if something went wrong in her new relationship.

 

This happened to me with my first love. My GF didn't cheat on me during the relationship, but I knew that's where it was heading. Sometimes people just get it in their head that they're better off somewhere else, and like cancer, it eventually consumes them. I just let my ex run that course and helped her move her stuff out. It wasn't easy, but sometimes you just have to accept that you can't stop people from doing what they think is best for them. It's futile, and will create nothing but resentment if you do succeed.

 

My suggestion is to accept this reality, and prepare for divorce. Since your wife decided to just screw it up, make sure she gets nothing. The trick to this, is order of operation. First phase, convert all investments to cash, and take out a home line of credit, and convert all of it to cash as well. She won't notice you doing these things, which is why they are the first strike. Next, you go after joint credit cards, joint lines of credit, anything that is more noticable. Then the final phase is to sell off any vehicles or material goods you can. Sell your nice car, and buy an old civic. Deplete everything, and take all that cash and stash it in a safe place. Then file for divorce on grounds that she was cheating on you. When the house is sold off, it will cover the home line of credit, and if she holds anything of value, you get 50% of that. During the divorce, just make sure you keep servicing all the debts you created to keep your credit in tact. In court, if they ask why you sold off everything and your broke, it's because you became self-destructive and started gambling. Once the divorce is final, pay off all your debts, and walk away without giving her a cent. If a lot of your house is paid off, you'll have more than enough for a nice downpayment on a condo, and to buy yourself a nice car too. Just something to think about. I'm just saying, if she screwed you once, she'll screw you twice.

[Try]

ok so my wife came clean... but she says she is in love and cant let the guy go, but she wont leave me either... PLEASE HELP... what steps do i take next

Wow, she actually said that she "is in love and cant let the guy go" to your face. She wants to cake eat and have both. She expects to be able to in your face cheat on you. At this point she has no respect for you or your marraige. If you allow this disrespect to continue your marraige is doomed for sure. She cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect. If you allow this for even a little bit as you think about what to do, you will confirm your weakness as a man and you will have no chance to get her respect back.

 

Time is not on your side. You must be willing to end the marraige in order to have any chance at saving it. Tell her that she cannot have both, and that if she does not want keep her vows and put you "before all others" than you will have no choice but to leave her. Tell her that she must agree to full no contact now and forever with the other man or you will file for divorce immediately. Do not give her any time to think about it. Tell her that the only correct answer to save your marraige is that she picks you now. Tell her that not giving you an answer is the same as not picking you and that you will act accordingly and file.

 

At this point she may call your bluff so be mentally prepared to file and mean it. The odds of you saving your marraige long term by being strong now are not 100%, but they get lower with every minute that passes where she is in contact with the the other man. Act now. Act decisively. Act with self respect. If she allows you to file and go through with the divorce, then you had already lost her and now you know sooner rather than later, and have saved yourself the pain of watching your marraige die a slow and humiliating death.

Edited March 12, 2013 by Try