is it safe to be motivated by a fear of hating yourself

[Krieger]

People often use the benefits they will experience if they successfully reach their goals as a way of getting motivated. Why not turn that around and consider what you stand to lose thereby making you fear failure and as a result giving you the drive needed to succeed.

 

As progress is being made you realize you 'can' do it and if you consider the consequences you face if you decide to quit you should fear failure enough to keep moving forward.

 

I am giving up dating , friends , family , tv, Xbox ,drinking, partying, sports, working out , meeting new people, sleep , sex, going out , and every thing I once enjoyed to get to my goals.

 

I turned down a promotion it good but not great and I did not want it.

 

I feel like I've failed in terms of what my potential is. There is this constant feeling of not having achieved enough. I do not have anything to show for my life yet and seeing people I know get married and have kids makes me feel like a loser.

 

The desire to feel like i am not a loser drives me. I don't know if that's the healthiest thing—to be motivated by a fear of hating yourself, but it helps.

 

Seeing that I only get 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night I know it is not good but I do not care . The adderall helps but I had to cut back it stop working lol.

 

 

I am very hard on myself more then I need to be and I need to stop beating myself up. I am sure it does not help that I obsess on things I've done wrong. Even worse than mistakes I have made.

 

Some times I I feel like I'm the piece of **** at the center of the universe.It's a paradox. You feel like you're so ****ty you ruin everything, but you're so important and powerful that you caused it, that you actually are to blame for everything. I'm doing the best I can, and maybe that's enough.

 

I am driven to make it and so i can get a girlfriend. It is all or nothing this year . If I do do it this year I never do it.

 

I do not think I hate my self but I feel the need use this to drive my self to make it.

[Mr Scorpio]

I feel like I've failed in terms of what my potential is. There is this constant feeling of not having achieved enough. I do not have anything to show for my life yet and seeing people I know get married and have kids makes me feel like a loser. I am driven to make it and so i can get a girlfriend. It is all or nothing this year . If I do do it this year I never do it.

 

You're setting yourself up for disappointment.

[stevie_23]

This seems a bit extreme to me.

 

Giving up family, sleep, etc? That’s really difficult. Achieving your goals should also include the JOURNEY of getting to that goal, and by making that journey so incredibly restricted and unpleasant, well…you may be selling yourself short in terms of obtaining every reward and learning experience possible out of getting to your end goal.

 

Also, by making things so hard for yourself in attaining this goal, you may be sabotaging yourself as the chances of failing go way up if it’s SO hard to endure the journey of getting to the end result.

 

AND also, by giving up every single other aspect you require to have a well rounded life (even if only temporary), you may not even know who you ARE when you finally do achieve that goal. You will have BECOME the goal. And once you achieve it, what do you have left?

 

It’s also very important I think to be motivated by positive influences, not negative. Motivation via fear is not the best way, in my opinion. Even if you achieve your goal, you may have low self esteem or self worth and STILL not feel good enough.

 

Not achieving all your goals does not make you a loser either, by the way. You’re not a loser NOW before you’ve gotten to your goal, and you won’t be a loser after achieving it either. But conversely, if you WERE a loser now, then achieving a single goal won’t change that.

 

Hmm…you seem to have a strange perception of your own importance in the universe. You feel you’re at the centre of it, and in a negative but powerful way. That’s not the healthiest outlook to have, and you’re already aware of that, so I guess that’s something.

 

A goal should be attempted as a way to make YOU happier. To make YOU feel more fulfilled. It’s got nothing to do with the universe or whether you’ll suddenly NOT be a “loser” at the end of it.

 

You’re not THAT important in the whole scheme of things. We’re all just tiny specks on the universal plane and all we can do is try to do our best and be as happy as we can be for ourselves and those who love us. You ARE very important to those who love you, as well. Your family, friends…

 

ALSO…please bear in mind that just because you achieve your goal and then even IF at the end of that you feel you’re not a loser anymore, this does not automatically mean you will get a girlfriend.

 

Aside from anything else, a potential love interest will prefer it if you have a full, rounded, complete life when you meet her. It would scare ME off if someone I met was SO focused on NOT being a loser that they neglected their family, friends and didn’t sleep. That’s just really unbalanced.

 

Also, I’m sure you know that the aim of simply “getting a girlfriend” is sort of counter productive. You should be interested in falling in love, in developing those amazing feelings of bonding and connecting with someone you want to be in a relationship with, NOT just with getting SOME girlfriend. Any girlfriend. For the purpose of having one.

 

And if you DON’T get a girlfriend this year, you will NOT have failed. You will NOT be a loser. And it certainly won’t be the end of any potential to find someone you love either. That can and does happen at any time. Usually when you least expect it.

 

If anything, it’s this attitude you have that may set you up for failure (in your eyes) even before you start.

[TaraMaiden]

Seriously:

 

The more I read your posts, the more I am concerned for your state of mind.

 

This is not a normal PoV, and you are taking everything way excessively.

 

I think you may need to see an analyst or psychologist, because what you are thinking of in terms of self-discipline, others might perceive as a psychosis...

 

I think there's 'driven' and there's 'off the wall'...

 

I truly fear you're straying too far close to the latter....

[stevie_23]

OMG Tara, I just noticed your signature! LMAO! So true!

[Krieger]

Seriously:

 

The more I read your posts, the more I am concerned for your state of mind.

 

This is not a normal PoV, and you are taking everything way excessively.

 

I think you may need to see an analyst or psychologist, because what you are thinking of in terms of self-discipline, others might perceive as a psychosis...

 

I think there's 'driven' and there's 'off the wall'...

 

I truly fear you're straying too far close to the latter....

 

Yea I think it is time to go get help before things get out of hand . In my family has a history of addition and suicide so it will be smart to not to go down that road.

 

I wish I can just wake up happy like most people. Also some people close to me said I seem like a shell of former self.

 

It does suck that I define my self by my job so if I hate it I hate my self. I just can't work nights crew until for ever. Boss said it work nights or quite so got to get college done.

[Krieger]

No girl going to date a guy with noting going for him . Yea I have a job but 18 a hour will never feed a family . Rent where I live is 1/2 of my take home and living expenses take the rest of my money.

 

So dating cost money so I never will have money to take a girl out and setting at home does not help make you feel any better.

 

I have some work to do on myself before I even date a girl right now.

 

If I did not go back to college I would be working 80 to 120 hours a week just to make money to pay bills and save so some day I can retire.

 

 

I want to meet a girl and build a relationship and fall in love more then anything.also want to be dad and do not want to work 80 hours a week just to put food on the table. I will how ever if I had to but it will make me sad since I never get to see my kids grow up.

 

Yet if I do not have a good job or money I will never find a GF.

[Mr Scorpio]

No girl going to date a guy with noting going for him . Yea I have a job but 18 a hour will never feed a family. Rent where I live is 1/2 of my take home and living expenses take the rest of my money.

 

I have a friend who has never made anywhere near $18 an hour. He lives/lived in a filthy house covered in discarded beer bottles and cans. His bathroom is disgusting beyond disgusting. However, he is nice, cheerful, and outgoing. Because of that, he has had plenty of GFs, one night stands, and everything in-between.

 

Yet if I do not have a good job or money I will never find a GF.

 

Yet if you find a woman who wouldn't stick with you if you lost the good job or money, you still wouldn't have found love.

[Forever Learning]

You've got alot to sort out to get things in balance again. Getting enough sleep is crucial for balanced brain chemistry. So is good nutrition and exercise. Seeking some therapy or doing some reading of self help books might help you gain some perspective.

 

An anti-depressant might get you out of a depressive and negative feedback loop mentally. Cognitive therapy could help you with the 'Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda" thoughts bouncing around your brain. Check out Dave Ramsey to figure out if you are living beyond your means regarding your rent and bills versus the money your bringing in (Dave has a website, and promotes budgeting and living frugally). Don't try to conquer the world in a day.

 

Re-normalizing your life will take some time. Be easy on yourself, and take it one day at a time. You need to get totally off the Adderall as well, eventually. You do need to seek out help for the negative thoughts you are entertaining regarding life, and what is 'winning' in life.

 

Being happy with yourself, for who you are on the inside, is winning in life. And that will bring other good things into your world as well. Do some reading of self help books. There are so many good ones. Here are some of the best sellers, maybe you will find one that catches your eye. Good luck.

 

Popular Self Help Books

 

10 most famous self-help books of all time | Top ten best self-help books | Reader's Digest Australia

[Krieger]

I have a friend who has never made anywhere near $18 an hour. He lives/lived in a filthy house covered in discarded beer bottles and cans. His bathroom is disgusting beyond disgusting. However, he is nice, cheerful, and outgoing. Because of that, he has had plenty of GFs, one night stands, and everything in-between.

 

 

 

Yet if you find a woman who wouldn't stick with you if you lost the good job or money, you still wouldn't have found love.

 

I am to embarrassed to ever tell a girl what i do for i living. I will make some thing up to song like I can get a real job and not be a retail loser throwing fright and never going to move up or go any place fast and stay at my $18.65 an hour until i die.

 

 

I do not want to move up in the company because then I will be stuck just like my dad was then I never get out.

 

They will have to put a gun to my head before i will ever be an assistant manager. Then i still will say NO thanks .

 

When I meet a girl I want her to think hey this guy is going places in life and wants to make some thing of him self so I will stick around and give him a shot.

 

In turn I want to tell a woman what I do with pride and come off as being happy / full of life .

[Krieger]

You've got alot to sort out to get things in balance again. Getting enough sleep is crucial for balanced brain chemistry. So is good nutrition and exercise. Seeking some therapy or doing some reading of self help books might help you gain some perspective.

 

An anti-depressant might get you out of a depressive and negative feedback loop mentally. Cognitive therapy could help you with the 'Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda" thoughts bouncing around your brain. Check out Dave Ramsey to figure out if you are living beyond your means regarding your rent and bills versus the money your bringing in (Dave has a website, and promotes budgeting and living frugally). Don't try to conquer the world in a day.

 

Re-normalizing your life will take some time. Be easy on yourself, and take it one day at a time. You need to get totally off the Adderall as well, eventually. You do need to seek out help for the negative thoughts you are entertaining regarding life, and what is 'winning' in life.

 

Being happy with yourself, for who you are on the inside, is winning in life. And that will bring other good things into your world as well. Do some reading of self help books. There are so many good ones. Here are some of the best sellers, maybe you will find one that catches your eye. Good luck.

 

Popular Self Help Books

 

10 most famous self-help books of all time | Top ten best self-help books | Reader's Digest Australia

 

 

I will look into into the links you posted later got homework to do.

 

Will I hate sleeping never did sleep much as a kid. Now that I work 40 + hours and take two college classes sleep has taken a back seat. I been eating better and not forgetting to eat for a whole day lol.

 

However soon like in a year I hope I will be going full time college and no work so I can sleep then or not if i have to study a lot.

 

I do have to love my self before any girl will but right now I am not BF material or not lovable yet.

[Mr Scorpio]

I am to embarrassed to ever tell a girl what i do for i living. I will make some thing up to song like I can get a real job and not be a retail loser throwing fright and never going to move up or go any place fast and stay at my $18.65 an hour until i die.

 

I understand that you're barely making rent at that wage. That must be very frustrating to have a decent paying job and still simply tread water. All the moreso given that you clearly aren't content with it. Nevertheless, you might try focusing on the fact that you have a job and what seems like a secure life. Plenty of people are squatting in foreclosed homes, living in cars, or worse. On Friday's I park my car near a highway underpass. There are people living underneath it. The temperature last Friday was nine degrees.

 

When I meet a girl I want her to think hey this guy is going places in life and wants to make some thing of him self so I will stick around and give him a shot. In turn I want to tell a woman what I do with pride and come off as being happy / full of life .

 

Those sound like reasonable desires. But how much will be enough? How much money do you have to earn, and how big of a title do you have to earn, before you are worthy of having an intimate relationship? And when you build this career, will you have time for a relationship? And when you build the career and obtain the relationship, will you have time for yourself?

 

Do you want to appear happy or do you want to be happy?

[stevie_23]

Can I ask…you seem to consider it not good enough to do and be certain things…like to be a retail worker isn’t good enough for you in your mind. I can understand to an extent being self-critical and having higher standards for yourself, but if you had a friend who was a retail worker would you automatically think HE was a loser too? If you had a friend who was a decent person but hadn’t had a girlfriend for 5 years, would you think he was a loser? Do you have different standards and expectations for yourself when compared to others?

[Krieger]

Those sound like reasonable desires. But how much will be enough? How much money do you have to earn, and how big of a title do you have to earn, before you are worthy of having an intimate relationship? And when you build this career, will you have time for a relationship? And when you build the career and obtain the relationship, will you have time for yourself?

 

Do you want to appear happy or do you want to be happy?

 

 

I want to be happy and appear happy at the same time.

 

I want a job that makes a difference . I like helping people work through their problems. Also i am a caring, empathetic, calm, patient, flexible, a good listener, and I pay attention to details.

 

Money matters but only to a point . If a guy was happy and like his job woman pick up on that. IMO

 

I have been going back to college and can not decide on what program i want to get into. physical therapy assistant or bachelor's degree in nursing I just do not know yet.

[todreaminblue]

People often use the benefits they will experience if they successfully reach their goals as a way of getting motivated. Why not turn that around and consider what you stand to lose thereby making you fear failure and as a result giving you the drive needed to succeed.

 

As progress is being made you realize you 'can' do it and if you consider the consequences you face if you decide to quit you should fear failure enough to keep moving forward.

 

I am giving up dating , friends , family , tv, Xbox ,drinking, partying, sports, working out , meeting new people, sleep , sex, going out , and every thing I once enjoyed to get to my goals.

 

I turned down a promotion it good but not great and I did not want it.

 

I feel like I've failed in terms of what my potential is. There is this constant feeling of not having achieved enough. I do not have anything to show for my life yet and seeing people I know get married and have kids makes me feel like a loser.

 

The desire to feel like i am not a loser drives me. I don't know if that's the healthiest thing—to be motivated by a fear of hating yourself, but it helps.

 

Seeing that I only get 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night I know it is not good but I do not care . The adderall helps but I had to cut back it stop working lol.

 

 

I am very hard on myself more then I need to be and I need to stop beating myself up. I am sure it does not help that I obsess on things I've done wrong. Even worse than mistakes I have made.

 

Some times I I feel like I'm the piece of **** at the center of the universe.It's a paradox. You feel like you're so ****ty you ruin everything, but you're so important and powerful that you caused it, that you actually are to blame for everything. I'm doing the best I can, and maybe that's enough.

 

I am driven to make it and so i can get a girlfriend. It is all or nothing this year . If I do do it this year I never do it.

 

I do not think I hate my self but I feel the need use this to drive my self to make it.

 

 

with fear of failure is often the overlooked fear of success.......that can cause procrastination on achieving anything....over achievers will often go as far as sabotaging success by procrastinating to the point of failure...its all inter related ...i wish you luck in whatever you pursue......i dont think looking at it as all or nothing is good...i do it a lot adn when i go all or nothinbg i keep havign to redo things

 

 

i have found taking one step adn biting off little pieces at a time help more than forming a picutre from all strokes all the brush....but doing little strokes and taking it easy ....with no expectations other than to finish what i started and be happy with the fact i am progressing....i hope you have that progression you need to keep moving forward....best wishes.....deb

[Krieger]

Can I ask…you seem to consider it not good enough to do and be certain things…like to be a retail worker isn’t good enough for you in your mind. I can understand to an extent being self-critical and having higher standards for yourself, but if you had a friend who was a retail worker would you automatically think HE was a loser too? If you had a friend who was a decent person but hadn’t had a girlfriend for 5 years, would you think he was a loser? Do you have different standards and expectations for yourself when compared to others?

 

yes i hold my self to standards that some times i will never reach but will try to get there.

 

I do not look down on people that is mean but if i know a person can do better i try to push a person to reach there full potential.

 

there is this person at work that is close to finishing his core class in order to apply to get into the physical therapy assistant programe and i telling him you can not throw fright for ever . He took a few years off cuz him and his woman had a few kids and other things things happened.

 

I am just trying to encourage him into getting back college and not wait to long .

 

It might not be my place but if I can help it .

 

On the gf thing I never had a real long term gf before so how can i judge a person in the same boat?

[Krieger]

with fear of failure is often the overlooked fear of success.......that can cause procrastination on achieving anything....over achievers will often go as far as sabotaging success by procrastinating to the point of failure...its all inter related ...i wish you luck in whatever you pursue......i dont think looking at it as all or nothing is good...i do it a lot adn when i go all or nothinbg i keep havign to redo things

 

 

i have found taking one step adn biting off little pieces at a time help more than forming a picutre from all strokes all the brush....but doing little strokes and taking it easy ....with no expectations other than to finish what i started and be happy with the fact i am progressing....i hope you have that progression you need to keep moving forward....best wishes.....deb

 

 

thanks yea i have been just writing every thing down and taking on my goals one by one.

 

my job is just sucking the life out of me slowly more and more each day.

 

Like most people I want it all at once but it just does not work that way.

 

I know once I get the acceptance letter i am going to fall to my knees like i just won the lottory and cry tears of joy . For the fact that i did it when no one thought I could .

[todreaminblue]

thanks yea i have been just writing every thing down and taking on my goals one by one.

 

my job is just sucking the life out of me slowly more and more each day.

 

Like most people I want it all at once but it just does not work that way.

 

I know once I get the acceptance letter i am going to fall to my knees like i just won the lottory and cry tears of joy . For the fact that i did it when no one thought I could .

 

 

me too...one day at a time one dream at a time...i have to pull back in most areas, when i was younger i was an over achiever, and i had my hand in so many things juggling this juggling that ...fitting sleep in between.......i am not actually a multi tasker i prefer the fine details to be in what i do...i was expected to muliti task so therefore i did....that is where i succeed

 

i succeed with others expectations but not happy or satisfied with my own....

 

 

i hope you do get that acceptance letter would love to hear that you do ...so dont fall on your knees dont think you can type about it here if you fall over all blurry eyed with unshed tears hard to see the keyboard then , believe me have tried to type blurry eyed....catastrophe........so type first, fall later.....good luck crossing fingers for you...smilin atcha.....deb