How to Confront your Boyfriend (without incriminating yourself)

[lolapierre9]

Ok I really need some clever advice and can't go to my friends...

 

It's a long story but to make it short, I have been snooping on my boyfriend to find out if he is cheating on me. I found some naked photos he exchanged with his exes through facebook. I want to confront him about them but without admitting I snooped, because he really values privacy and would view it as just as much of a betrayal.

 

I have been wracking my brain for solutions, but am at a loss. I have access to his facebook, phone, and e-mail (sometimes) and have thought about saying one of his exes emailed me and show him the photos as proof, but that could get messy. Clever suggestions please!

 

And yes I know I shouldn't be snooping, and also I should probably just break up with him if I don't trust him, but please no advice about this. I just want to confront him about the photos so I can figure out if we can make it work or not. Thanks!!

[WhatYouWantToHear]

I love people who can think 1/2 step ahead in life, but not a full step. What good did you expect to come of this?

 

From what you've told me of this perfect relationship you have, I'm guessing he probably won't just cop to it if you simply ask 'have you ever sent nudie pics to anyone?' or 'are you cheating in any manner on me?'.

 

You are going to have to 'catch' him. That means you have to establish a non-snooping way to know of the existence of these pics. How about you get his phone again and send that pic to everyone on his contact list? It would look like some kind of virus and you could ask why he has that pic. Better yet, send it to her as the main contact and then everyone else as a cc, that way you know she was the main recipent.

[TaserTag]

Did he exchange these naked photos with them while you were together? If so, you can't trust him and he's a cheat and you should dump him. If it was in the past, what exactly is the problem, that he kept them?

 

This just sounds like a mess to me (lack of trust, cheating, invasion of privacy, lying).

 

You can't make it work if you're trying to find a way to lie to him so that you feel you have more of a moral high ground. If you have to make up elaborate stories to your partner, that is a very bad sign.

 

If you're into lying, I don't see why your idea won't work. Make a fake email, email yourself as one of his exes, and start a fight with your boyfriend that way.

[foreverandalways]

I'm going through the same thing, however my boyfriend has not cheated and just had an innocent conversation with his ex. So I'm reluctant to incriminate myself over something fairly innocent.

 

However, If I found out he WAS cheating, it wouldn't matter if I had to incriminate myself, because I would be dumping him in the process.

[lolapierre9]

I like your thinking. Though he could say that the picture itself was part of the virus and not his...

[lolapierre9]

Well he hasn't physically cheated, and I don't think he would. But the pictures is still crossing a line to me.

[loversquarrel]

Yes, the pics are crossing the line. I think you should just confront him regardless, otherwise it will eat you up. It is a form of cheating and shows a lack of boundaries.

 

Some will say you were snooping, I say at least it paid off. If it didn't, then there would be a problem.

[Madman81]

It's a long story but to make it short, I have been snooping on my boyfriend to find out if he is cheating on me. I found some naked photos he exchanged with his exes through facebook. I want to confront him about them but without admitting I snooped, because he really values privacy and would view it as just as much of a betrayal.

Of course he "values privacy", because he has something highly incriminating that he's hiding from you.

 

What you're describing is fear of an absolutely typical reaction from a cheater who's been caught. When caught, especially red-handed, their only defence is to go on the attack themselves, and go after you for "breaching their privacy". Their hope is that they will somehow manage to convince you that your "breach of their privacy" is worse, or at least just as bad, as their betrayal of you. Which is bullshyt, because in this case your "breach of his privacy" enabled you to establish that he is behaving highly inappropriately for somebody in a committed relationship, probably cheating on you, and potentially endangering your life and your health by exposing you to diseases.

 

People like your BF make me sick with their excuses and justifications. YOU'RE the one who should be pissed off about this, not him. He has no right to be pissed off, although that won't stop him from acting that way anyway.

 

Give up your efforts to come up with a way to confront him that avoids revealing that you "breached his privacy". As I see it, you have two choices: (1) accept what he's doing, and will continue to do, behind your back, and stay quiet about it, or (2) confront him, and don't concern yourself with trying to conceal the fact that you "breached his privacy". You did nothing wrong in this situation. If you choose #2, please don't let him argue you into agreeing that what you did was a "betrayal", or even remotely equivalent to what he did.

 

Good luck....

[nofool4u]

If you found out something, don't worry about incriminating yourself.

 

He is a douchebag that deserves to be dumped on his ass. Snooping is definitely the lesser of 2 evils. Obviously he gave you reason to snoop, and you confirmed your suspicions.

 

I wouldn't worry about it. Hell, I'd tell him straight up "yea, I snooped because you're behavior sent out red flags, and my suspicions are confirmed,....you piece of sh*t"

[lolapierre9]

I know that what he is doing is worse, and he deserves to be confronted, but I want to do without incriminating myself also because I know in his mind he will justify his behaviour by saying what I did was just as bad. So I don't want to give him that out. I want him to have to face the full blame.

 

I will probably do what was suggested, set up an account as one of the girls and e-mail myself with the pictures. Knowing him he will still try to deny it though.

[Madman81]

I will probably do what was suggested, set up an account as one of the girls and e-mail myself with the pictures. Knowing him he will still try to deny it though.

Then you seriously need to consider why you want to be with him.

[TaraMaiden]

Why go through all this drama?

Why try to find ways of doing this?

It's done!

You don't trust him, he's crossed the line, you can't respect him after this, surely - and sure as eggs is unfertilised, communicating this with him is already a minefield in your mind....

You know what?

 

Just dump him.

 

If he wants to know why, tell him you know things.

And you're not prepared to discuss it further, but your conscience is clear.

 

You really need no further proof, justification or reason, now.

Everything is just 'playing mind-games' and really, you need to have a full battle strategy to enter into that arena.

 

Just end it.

[BeyondtheClouds]

If he makes an issue of your snooping, then he was never into to you.

 

If he works with you about the information that you have found, then you may be able to rehab this situation.

[NoMoreJerks]

Of course he "values privacy", because he has something highly incriminating that he's hiding from you.

 

What you're describing is fear of an absolutely typical reaction from a cheater who's been caught. When caught, especially red-handed, their only defence is to go on the attack themselves, and go after you for "breaching their privacy". Their hope is that they will somehow manage to convince you that your "breach of their privacy" is worse, or at least just as bad, as their betrayal of you. Which is bullshyt, because in this case your "breach of his privacy" enabled you to establish that he is behaving highly inappropriately for somebody in a committed relationship, probably cheating on you, and potentially endangering your life and your health by exposing you to diseases.

 

People like your BF make me sick with their excuses and justifications. YOU'RE the one who should be pissed off about this, not him. He has no right to be pissed off, although that won't stop him from acting that way anyway.

 

Give up your efforts to come up with a way to confront him that avoids revealing that you "breached his privacy". As I see it, you have two choices: (1) accept what he's doing, and will continue to do, behind your back, and stay quiet about it, or (2) confront him, and don't concern yourself with trying to conceal the fact that you "breached his privacy". You did nothing wrong in this situation. If you choose #2, please don't let him argue you into agreeing that what you did was a "betrayal", or even remotely equivalent to what he did.

 

Good luck....

Yeah. This. I went through a similar thing with my ex. I suspected that he had cheated on me while we were on a "break" -- and yes, I do consider that being apart for 2 weeks and him having sex with someone, is considered cheating. At any rate, I had reasons to believe he had cheated. I snooped on him, and found pictures of a naked woman in his bed. I confronted him, by asking him if he loved me, and then I asked him if he's had sex with any woman while we've been together or when we were on break. He said no. I said, are you sure? He hesitated for a second, wondering if I had seen something, but then went ahead and said, yes, I am sure. I said, so what was that naked woman doing in your bed? He said, that was when we were on break... etc. Then he turned it into a whole thing about how he was pissed off that I had breached his privacy and how I had basically acted like exes, etc. Meanwhile, he had told me a few days before, that he had snooped on exes he suspected were cheating on him. I told him that he's a hypocrite. I definitely do not regret bringing it up and admitting that I snooped. Not saying anything or finding other ways around it, would've killed me. I couldn't keep it bottled up. I lasted about a few hours, and had to spill the beans.

[readytodate123]

Ok I really need some clever advice and can't go to my friends...

 

It's a long story but to make it short, I have been snooping on my boyfriend to find out if he is cheating on me. I found some naked photos he exchanged with his exes through facebook. I want to confront him about them but without admitting I snooped, because he really values privacy and would view it as just as much of a betrayal.

 

I have been wracking my brain for solutions, but am at a loss. I have access to his facebook, phone, and e-mail (sometimes) and have thought about saying one of his exes emailed me and show him the photos as proof, but that could get messy. Clever suggestions please!

 

And yes I know I shouldn't be snooping, and also I should probably just break up with him if I don't trust him, but please no advice about this. I just want to confront him about the photos so I can figure out if we can make it work or not. Thanks!!

That's horrible!!

I was a victim of the cheating incident too and I almost broke up with my bf because i "confessed" that I logged into his FB account. But there's really no other way of telling him that. Say you did it because women can usually feel when their boyfriend is cheating (which we do for real!!), and you felt that.

He's not the one to be angry, by the way. You are the one who should be really really angry with him.

 

Two things happen afterwards: you break up with him OR he confesses the truth, says he regrets what he's done, and asks you to give him a second chance.

 

If you decide to forgive your bf, I recommend you to read this article to recover from the cheating incident:

Date Tip and Idea for Beginners: How to Recover Trust Issues after Your Boyfriend Cheated.

I think it will help you deal with the situation well. You will keep having trust issues with him so it's better to know in advance what you will be going through.

Hope you will cope with it well...

[Eddie Edirol]

I know that what he is doing is worse, and he deserves to be confronted, but I want to do without incriminating myself also because I know in his mind he will justify his behaviour by saying what I did was just as bad. So I don't want to give him that out. I want him to have to face the full blame.

 

I will probably do what was suggested, set up an account as one of the girls and e-mail myself with the pictures. Knowing him he will still try to deny it though.

 

Dont bother, because even if you figure out a clever way to expose him without incriminating yourself, he will find out a way to get sneakier. For instance, he will get a separate phone that he keeps at work or something and then he can TALK to other women. So if he isnt getting satisfied by you and wants to start shopping aroundm, he will still do it. So your best bet is to dump him. The games will only lead to dumping him anyway.

 

Unless youre one of those sick people that enjoys the game of trying to catch him red handed.

[tbf]

People who are privacy freaks usually have a reason why they guard their privacy from relationship partners heavily.

 

Forget the drama of confronting him or if you must confront him, just tell him what you've seen and then dump him. Cheaters will always try to gaslight their partners. Trust and respect are delicate issues, easily torn and near impossible to repair.

[honeytea]

Honestly, I wouldn't go through all that trouble of creating some fake account, etc. Keep your dignity.

 

Tell him you found out he is cheating... leave it at that, keep it simple... and tell him you're leaving him. Then leave.

 

Then let him stew in his own muck trying to figure out how you knew.

 

What a jerk.