ssml Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I beg your feedback during this most difficult time. I am 30, married 4 years, together with wife 12. We are high school sweethearts and have a daughter together. I earlier posted about my wife telling that although she loves me she had thoughts of living, but didn't bring up actual infidelity. Today, after a long conversation due to her "splitting up" feelings all of a sudden... she finally admitted to having a three week long relation with a guy, which got physical and intimate three times. She told me she called the guy and ended all ties (earlier today) because she loves me knows it was a mistake. That I am the man of her dreams. She is asking for forgiveness. I, for one, thought we had the perfect marriage. We never fought (other than the usual). We had plenty of sex, we dated, enjoyed time our even after child was born. She is practically as part of my family as I am of her. My life and her life were one. As you can imagine, this all took me by surprise. I left the house, checked myself into a hotel. My head feels like I am about to explode. I don't want to speak to friend or family because I still don't know what I will want to do. If I do decide to forgive I am afraid of being seen as the "betrayed" and I quite frankly don't like the label. How should I react. Should I answer her calls? She has called me many times since I left the house. Should I just stay away for a week or two without contact to show her how much I mean to her and think? Help me with advice please. And if you have been through this, tell me what you learned. Thank you and god bless you all for listening.
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I am sorry to hear this. I am, truly. She did this terrible thing to you, and it indeed is all her fault. Friend, first realize one thing: What she did was no mistake. It was intentional. Cheating is never a mistake, and that is just a way to ease the burden - the conscience of a cheater. What she did is solely her fault, and not yours. You couldn't have looked better for her. You couldn't have done more with her. You couldn't have fought less, or had more sex. It was her own lusts, and she was caught up in it. Now, for her selfish deeds, you and your daughter will have to pay the price. Unfortunately, you are the betrayed, the very moment she had done this too you. It is bad. But realize one thing: You have two choices ahead of you. One, forgive, and this does mean working together with her, to try and salvage your marriage together; or leave her, if you feel like this is something you cannot handle. But think of your daughter as well. Think of what might be better for her; but that does not mean you have to stay, and be unhappy. You seem like a goodman, and there is no reason to justify her. If it were me, I would divorce her, but share custody. I cannot, and will not tell you to do the samething; as I believe that is stepping into a business I have no right to be in. I just wanted you to know, that none of this is your fault.... It is her character flaws. No mistake, nothing else. Going away two weeks, is like running away from the problem; it will still be there. NC will not help; the problem will still be there. It sounds like you love her...so you might consider working through this. It will be hard: she will have to admit that it is no mistake, and accept fault.
Author ssml Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Todd: thanks for your kinds words. I am, by most standards, a gentleman. I've always told myself that the one thing I will never forgive is infidelity. But believe me, it is easier said that done. When this happens with the woman you love, with your best friend, with the the mother of your child, who is also a beautiful and attractive and smart and great person (otherwise)...it's make the decision soo difficult. My instinct tell me to file for diverse immediately and let her suffer and have her know all of her life that caused this (and be reminded of it every time I will have to pickup my daughter every other weekend). But then again, I also feel like that if I do that...I would be hurting me soo much that I can't describe it. I have gone through some painful injuries in my life (physically speaking)...but the pain I am feeling now...don't wish it to my worst enemy. And to think that just yesterday we were planning a family vacation.
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Life hits you when you do not desire it to hit you, doesn't it? I can really tell you love her; I was never married, but I was cheated on myself, after a measely four and half years, and that doesn't compare a drop to yours. You're fighting logic, and your heart at the moment. Logic tells you to leave her, and your heart to stay. Eitherway, it will greatly impact the rest of your lives. It is true, you can work through this, and live fairly happily together...But for the longest set of years, you will battle with the what ifs, or where is she gone too? It could be vastly unhealthy for you. She has to be a willing player, in helping you to regain your trust in her. When you forgive her, that is it, it is over, it is time to rebuild: but do not stop throwing caution to the wind, at least for a while... Howbeit, if you do not forgive her; you will hurt, and be lonely. Either-way, you are in for hurt, and a long, long road. How did she apologize to you? I read what you said, she said...But where there real tears? She may not cheat again, but she also likewise can again... It depends solely on you now. I am sure married posters, on here will gladly advise you beyond my abilities too. You utterly love her. This pain is extremely great. Maybe you should consider a marriage counsler, and working through this...It is gonna be a war...I wish you and your daughter never had to suffer it.
316 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I'm really sorry to hear this ssml... I've never been in your situation but it looks like you have a huge decision on your hands. If I were you I'd take a few days to attempt to cool off and then once you feel like you can think somewhat logically again I'd write a list of every pro and con for both scenarios. List every pro and con that you can possibly think of. This isn't a solution to your problem but it might help you to sort out your thoughts... I'm rooting for you!
Author ssml Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Thanks a lot. Todd: She was distant for the last couple of weeks. Acting weird. When you live with someone for soo long it is easy to see when something is not right. She then started telling me two days ago it was just that felt I wasn't completing her emotionally in all aspects of love. As if we were having empty sex. I didn't think so, really, but whatever. I told her I could work on that if she guarantees me that she is "all in" in this marriage. She responded that she "didn't know". That's when I started really bring up what was wrong and she told me the complete story.
purplereigncb Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I'm so sorry for what you are going through ssml. I just want to say that I've been cheated on, and although I never heard the extent to which. I can tell you that I have always been left wondering, when else. Will it happen again. Good luck
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 She did tell you; usually they will keep lying. Your sex hasn't slipped up has it? Eitherway, even if that was the problem, and she feels that the love isn't their sexually...It only serves as an excuse, to excuse her behavior. If you truly made love to her, and you did it for the oneness, and completion that a woman can bring in marriage; there shouldn't be no problem. Cheaters will typically find something to blame you with, as a way to shift the blame of their actions unto something else. They are good at finding excuses, even if those excuses are what they view as "real." She must admit fault for her cheating; not push out excuses. Healing begins by admitting fault for your crimes.
Mack05 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) People have different tolerant levels when to comes to cheating. Some can forgive and relationships can get repaired. For me I have a VERY black and white view of cheating. There is NO excuse for it. It's one strike and your out. I would never be able to trust her again. When people cheat and there are kids involved not only are you cheating on your partner, but you are doing wrong by your child as well. Now I'm sure she will sob, beg and plead and tell you that you are her world. If that was the case she would never have cheated in the first place. If it were me, I know it would take enormous courage to leave. However staying for sake of the child is not right or fair. I could never trust her again and if trust is gone, where can the relationship go? Every time she went out I would be wondering what she is up to. Not only that, I wouldn't be able to leave go of the betrayal. I would bring it up in fights as a constant remainder. Being a single dad living with the betrayal, not seeing your daughter every day is beyond hard. Not being true to myself would be harder. For me I made vows on my wedding day. As soon as those vows are broken so is my relationship. I would go but that's just me.. Either way you should take your time before deciding your next move. I would stay away for a few weeks and avoid all contact. I would let a close family member or friend know what happened, so that I could organise access to see my daughter. I think you have two options... 1) Forgive and try repair trust.. 2) Leave.. If you forgive you can't punish her. Two wrongs don't make a right. Forgiving is truly letting go..Only you know if you can do that. You should take all the time you need. Edited March 5, 2013 by Mack05 1
foxfernene Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Don't play games, like becoming unavailable to her for weeks etc. Touch base with her at least, so she knows your alive etc. Really 'talk' to her when you are ready, don't be forced into the conversation until you are ready. You will be better off forgiving her eventually, but the main factor in your relationship is your little girl. I think women cheat because we get sexually immune to the familiar. You live with someone long enough in sometimes they start to become like a brother, or father etc. We're conditioned to expect the romance, the butterflies and passion everlasting. It's not usually so. Someone can come along and awaken the desire, reminding us we are desirable (this doesn't mean you weren't attentive) and how amazing that feels. How to overcome this, I believe the key is talking and building on the other parts of love, like friendship. Do something that she loves, and then something that you love. When the respect is there, she will be able think and make the right choice in the future, but that's dependent on what comes next. You wife does love you but she wasn't able to act maturely, and say no out of respect to you. It's a conditional love, not a selfless love, she put her desire before your consideration. It is not your fault, and you can end it now, no one would blame you. You have your little one who needs cooperative, loving parents for the best possible chance. You have got to decide the best way you and your wife can provide this. But you married your wife, and the reason why I do not believe in marriage is because we can unmarry each other. I love my partner, what keeps me loyal is because I think about how much disloyalty would hurt him. I also am open to the notion that I may have to choose to forgive him. Be strong, but let her know that you felt this deeply. You also need to get to the bottom of it, does she want out? I am sorry that you have been hurt, you can get through it, don't allow yourself to be pressured by her or others. Try and not think about what friends and family will think, because some of them might really be able to be supportive (however, choose carefully, because some might never be able to forgive your wife even after you have). God Bless. 1
creighton0123 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) Unlike Mack, I have a higher tolerance for infidelity in relationships. If I were you, I would take a few days to cool down, then plan to work on your relationship with your wife with the intention of revitalizing romance and love again. How often are you romantic with her? Not just sex, but true romance? Ask her what she wants more of. What she wants less of. Tell her that she can always come to you and, even if you get upset and go away to cool down, you will always love her and work with her. If you can, plan on going on a private vacation away from the children and return to a mental time in your relationship when it was most vibrant. Whether you call it a second honeymoon or just a holiday is up to you. Cheating is, in my mind, often points to a problem outside of just the act of cheating. Something in your relationship literally left her feeling unfulfilled and emotionally open to seeking fulfillment elsewhere. Trust her because she was honest a short time after she cheated. She didn't attempt to hide it for months or years. Once you cool off, meet her half way and take at least six months to a year to try to rebuild your relationship and make it stronger than it was before. Edit: I feel families in America would be much, MUCH stronger if most couples didn't run for the hills at the first major bump in the road. It's time to evolve beyond this "one strike" mentality when it comes to infidelity. Love is so much stronger than that and life-long relationships based on true friendship and romance should be more enduring. Edited March 5, 2013 by creighton0123 2
lostindreams Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 honestly id talk it out with her. if you stll really love her, it might be worth a shot to patch things up. it sounds like she regrets it lots... fwiw, i am the cheated-on in my previous relationship. And it feels like crap, i know. i want him back badly but he is with somebody new. it feels like sh*t and i hope you will be ok
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 You want your wife and family together under one roof, then do all that you can do save your marriage. People makes mistakes and deserve second chances IF they are worthy of that chance. Meaning, if your wife is truly remorseful, is willing to do counseling on her own (to figure out WHY she cheated on you, betrayed you, and to fix herself and her flaws) and go with you as well. If she is an open book, meaning, you have access to her email accounts, cell etc..etc.. and she is to tell you IMMEDIATELY if the OM contacts her or if she breaks NC and contacts him (NC - no contact). In the meantime, there's no rush to make a decision to divorce, separate or go back home until you're ready. I say it takes a special person with a huge loving and forgiving heart to work through something like this. Give this your best shot, try to work with her (again, as long as SHE IS willing to do all required and put in 100% effort) to save your marriage. you both owe it to one another and to your young daughter.. If this doesn't work out, at least you'll know you tried and gave it your best before divorcing. Question - How long was their affair? was he married as well, or have a gf? Are you interested in talking to him? 1
GG43 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I agree with Creighton above. Doesn't have to be an automatic deal breaker. One thing you mentioned was going away for a week or two. I would recommend that. Take some time. Decompress. Think things through. Try to do it with as little communication with her as possible. Just the bare minimum. Your mind is spinning a million miles an hour right now. You will probably go through so many stages...bouncing from one stage to the next throughout the next couple of days. In order for you to make a clear and long lasting decision, you need to have a clear mind on your own. With as little outside (family/friend) intervention as possible. Your wife owns the decision to stray...and there are consequences. Whatever you decide to do...you will own that decision as well. Think long-term here. Not the short-term. Does it suck what you are going through? Absolutely! Do you deserve this? No! Take your time...calm down. Think of your future. Think of your child's future. Is this a "deal breaker"? It can be...for some. Can you survive it? Staying with her after this? Yes. But you have to tread carefully. Rush in too soon...and the pain will linger for much much longer. You can do this. You'll make it through it. One way or another.
Author ssml Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Her relationship with the other man lasted three weeks, and according to her involved three encounters during that time. She swears she called him today and formally ended things. He is also married with kids. I, out of anger, did have a 25 sec phone conversation with him just tell him to back off or else. However, I really didn't know this person from before and can't judge him. The one at fault is my wife and no-one else. For the record, it's been almost 8 hours since I officially found out of the incidents and my head keeps going app scenarios backward to forward to backward again. This sucks. I only hope she is going through the same, it's only fair.
TheBladeRunner Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 To be able to return is not impossible, but there is no way I could have ever done it. Going outside the marriage for greener pastures is never OK in my opinion. If it's that bad, leave the relationship first. I read the second response and it talks about the butterflies going away, I guess that is what happened with me as well. I remember three days after the bomb dropped, she came home from her mothers and said she really wanted us to work and that she regretted what she did. At that moment I decided that I was not going to continue with her. Not really because she cheated on me, but rather because I knew she would never be willing to do the work to make OUR relationship better. It has been 6 months now that I have not lived with her or my daughter; I have moments of regret, I miss her, I miss our life, and I miss our family. After leaving I began to gain clarity, and through the entire awful process I discovered she had other trysts as well. None of them worked out. Three months into the separation she cried and begged me to come back and I refused. I wanted to come back so bad, but I chose not too because I finally realized that (for me) anyone that does not have enough respect, love, and basic human decency to not betray their spouse is just not worth my energy. I have a young daughter so I understand how you must feel and what is going through your mind. It was not easy in the beginning, but over time my daughter and I have our own life together, well, at least 50% of the time anyway. Some may say to try to repair the marriage for the children, I disagree. The biggest reason that I did not want to stay with my cheating spouse is because I don't want my daughter to have a patsy for a father and I want her to know that when you take a vow, make a promise, or give someone your word that you should keep it. Good luck my friend, it will all work out, it just doesn't seem like it now, but it will! 4
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) Her relationship with the other man lasted three weeks, and according to her involved three encounters during that time. She swears she called him today and formally ended things. He is also married with kids. I, out of anger, did have a 25 sec phone conversation with him just tell him to back off or else. However, I really didn't know this person from before and can't judge him. The one at fault is my wife and no-one else. For the record, it's been almost 8 hours since I officially found out of the incidents and my head keeps going app scenarios backward to forward to backward again. This sucks. I only hope she is going through the same, it's only fair. Do you plan on letting his wife know about the A? She should know.. Also, it's a sure way of making sure the A IS in fact over for good. Your wife IS at fault, but it takes two to tango and the OM (aka MM) is responsible for his part in all this as well. If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you want to know the truth? if MM had confessed to his wife about the A, wouldn't you want her to call you and let you know the truth about your wife and the A with her husband? She confessed or was she about to be found out? Just wondering after 3 weeks of an A why she chose to confess.. or did she just feel bad and realize what she was doing was so wrong. Oh I'm sure she's shi.tting bricks. Just really hope she is very remorseful and ready to work her tail off to make things right again. You should call, not 'talk' to her or have a discussion, but to check in and talk to daughter. Make it clear to your wife the call is for your daughters' sake and ask her to please respect your wish for space and time to calm down before talking. Oh another thing and sorry to bring this up, but ask her to get an STD test done (you should as well! and that's another reason to tell MM's wife the truth so she can get tested too, as who knows if this is his first affair!) and to see her Dr asap. Edited March 5, 2013 by whichwayisup
Chi townD Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Her relationship with the other man lasted three weeks, and according to her involved three encounters during that time. She swears she called him today and formally ended things. He is also married with kids. I, out of anger, did have a 25 sec phone conversation with him just tell him to back off or else. However, I really didn't know this person from before and can't judge him. The one at fault is my wife and no-one else. For the record, it's been almost 8 hours since I officially found out of the incidents and my head keeps going app scenarios backward to forward to backward again. This sucks. I only hope she is going through the same, it's only fair. Well, don't make any snap judgements. You are right. Give yourself some time. Think things through. Talking to the OM was a waste of time. He didn't give a damn about your marriage, he certainly doesn't give a damn about what you have to say. What you need to do is notify the OM wife. She has a right to know what kind of man she's married to. Will your wife get upset? Yep! Probably! She'll say, " How could you do that to her! She was innocent in all of this. You didn't need to do that!" I seen it before. Then you could tell her, " well, gee honey. You didn't need to screw her husband"
CptSaveAho Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Well, don't make any snap judgements. You are right. Give yourself some time. Think things through. Talking to the OM was a waste of time. He didn't give a damn about your marriage, he certainly doesn't give a damn about what you have to say. What you need to do is notify the OM wife. She has a right to know what kind of man she's married to. Will your wife get upset? Yep! Probably! She'll say, " How could you do that to her! She was innocent in all of this. You didn't need to do that!" I seen it before. Then you could tell her, " well, gee honey. You didn't need to screw her husband" No need to contact OM's wife... no need to play the revenge card While I can empathize with wanting to do this, there's no need to do it Something to think about The passion for revenge is strong and sometimes almost overwhelming. But our intuitive logic about revenge is often twisted, conflicted, parochial, and dangerous. Revenge is a primitive, destructive, and violent response to anger, injury, or humiliation. It is a misguided attempt to transform shame into pride. One's anger could be better suited for more positive things because after preforming revenge, the anger still resides and the intial problem still remains unsolved 1
Mr. Lucky Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 I am 30, married 4 years, together with wife 12. We are high school sweethearts and have a daughter together. With a child, you don't have the option of disappearing. She needs you and, right now, you need her. Get ready for a roller coaster of emotions. Right now you're numb, to follow at some point will be denial, anger, sadness and other random and unpredictable feelings. You'll get more input on this if you post in the "Infidelity Forum". Get ready to get an unwanted education in terms like "hysterical bonding", "gaslighting" and "trickle truth". It's a sadly accurate fact that, if your wife told you they slept together 3 times, it probably means a dozen or more. You'll have to decide if it makes any difference. I'd advise you to confide in someone - friend, family member, therapist. You'll need to vent somehow and have someone to talk you out of some irrational thoughts. At some point, counseling with your wife will be the best chance of saving your marriage, assuming you're interested. Many of us have been there. Tough and heart-breaking situation. I wish you the best and keep posting... Mr. Lucky 2
123pgjes Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Hey Such a troubled time you are going through. Catch up with friends and have a chat to them. Go out a bit, not to pick up, just get out the hotel room and live a bit. Don't ignore the child, make arrangements to see her constantly. Don't go off the radar, but she did drop a bomb, you need time to take stock of the news. Its not the end, unless you think so. She did have the guts to tell you, easily she could have chosen not to. Think about what YOU want. This is very important. When the fog clears and you wake up hung over, think about what you want. If you want her back after that time, go to marriage counselling and work towards a brighter future. Its up to you man, its not weak to let her back into your life, but if you don't want her, then so be it. I cant fault you on that either. 2
Chi townD Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) No need to contact OM's wife... no need to play the revenge card While I can empathize with wanting to do this, there's no need to do it Something to think about One's anger could be better suited for more positive things because after preforming revenge, the anger still resides and the intial problem still remains unsolved Who said anything about revenge? I told him to contact the OMW because it's the RIGHT thing to do. If your girl was cheating on you and the OMW knew it, wouldn't you want to know or would there still be no need because you would be content being the clueless cuckold.... but hey! Who am I to judge. If that's your thing, then roll with it. The OMW has a right to know so she can make an informed decision on where she wants her marriage and relationship to go. Their spouses were in the driver's seat when they decided to cheat. Now, the OP and the OMW are driving as far as where their marriages are going. Whether to divorce or reconcile. She needs to know that as of right now, her marriage is a lie and witholding that sort of information from her...well, in my opinion, he would be no different than the two that cheated. Because, now, the OP is cheating her out of the right to know the truth and make a decision. Plus,if he is even thinking about reconcilation, exposure is paramount. She SAYS that she ended it with the OM, but what is the golden rule with cheating. Never believe what they tell you; verify!!! If he exposes to the OMW, the OM is gonna throw the WW under the bus in a New York minute. Then, she'll see his true colors. Exposure is the quickest way to end an affair. Edited March 5, 2013 by Chi townD 2
Mack05 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 (edited) Unlike Mack, I have a higher tolerance for infidelity in relationships. If I were you, I would take a few days to cool down, then plan to work on your relationship with your wife with the intention of revitalizing romance and love again. How often are you romantic with her? Not just sex, but true romance? Ask her what she wants more of. What she wants less of. Tell her that she can always come to you and, even if you get upset and go away to cool down, you will always love her and work with her. If you can, plan on going on a private vacation away from the children and return to a mental time in your relationship when it was most vibrant. Whether you call it a second honeymoon or just a holiday is up to you. Cheating is, in my mind, often points to a problem outside of just the act of cheating. Something in your relationship literally left her feeling unfulfilled and emotionally open to seeking fulfillment elsewhere. Trust her because she was honest a short time after she cheated. She didn't attempt to hide it for months or years. Once you cool off, meet her half way and take at least six months to a year to try to rebuild your relationship and make it stronger than it was before. Edit: I feel families in America would be much, MUCH stronger if most couples didn't run for the hills at the first major bump in the road. It's time to evolve beyond this "one strike" mentality when it comes to infidelity. Love is so much stronger than that and life-long relationships based on true friendship and romance should be more enduring. I STRONGLY disagree with this post. If you don't have strong boundaries in a marriage, then your partner will walk all over you. If you look at behavioural patterns, cheaters more often than not cheat again. There is factual evidence to back this up. A leopard doesn't change it spots. There are things in a marriage you can forgive. Some poster says it takes a strong forgiving heart to forgive infidelity. I have a strong forgiving heart, but for me cheating is one of the most cruel and hurtful things that you can do to someone. You are emotionally pissing all over your spouse. This isn't a major bump on the road! This is far far worse than that. If his wife wasn't happy it's up to her to communicate this! Marriages ain't all sunshine and rainbows. Many of us miss the butterflies and passion that was there at the beginning of a relationship. The fully committed one's still don't cheat. They find ways to communicate and reignite that missing spark. I do agree people that quit on their marriages too easily but when one of those reasons is infidelity, then the victim has every right to leave. Creighton, I really can't get over your blase reaction to one of the cruelest things that you can do to another human being.. From the same thread, different forum -> "The biggest reason that I did not want to stay with my cheating spouse is because I don't want my daughter to have a patsy for a father and I want her to know that when you take a vow, make a promise, or give someone your word that you should keep it". If people followed this mentality Creighton there won't be the divorce rate there is today.. You can sense by the tone of the OP that he is going to give her another shot. I agree with taking a two week cooling down period, even longer I would suggest. If you do forgive then you can't punish her. Two wrongs don't make a right. Write out a list of things she needs to do to regain your trust. One of those things should be marriage counselling. Explain clearly if she cheats again its over. Edited March 5, 2013 by Mack05
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Cheating is the ultimate crime to commit in a relationship. In a sense, it is the murdering of the relationship. Thus, it is understandable the divorce that follows with it. True that divorce rates are higher: But so are the infidelity rates. I'd imagine the people that forgive their partners...Have a natural-born heart for mercy and forgiveness. It is one of those things, and a harsh thing, to forgive. As much of a lovely though as it is, to simple forgive a cheater and stick to one's vows; when they themselves do not stick to any vows, thus break the vow, which is a contract between two people; thus there nomore, if the persons be willing, a contract.... Love is strong; but the pain of betrayal is often stronger. Rightfully so. The burden that follows after cheating, is a lot of hard work. A lot of distrust that has to be set aside, and new rules that have to be formed. It is something terrible... It isn't like spilling coffee in your lap. It is an intentional destruction of very dear things. 1
Gunny376 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 There's a lot of things to take into consideration? Your DD for one thing. Hands down statistically the Best No. # 1 chance you have at martial success is with the first person that you married and have children or have had a child with. The waters get murkier thereafter. That's not to say one cannot find true love and yada~yada. But the best shot you have at it? Is with the first person that you have with and who's the mother or father you've both brought into this world. While the divorce rate for first time marriages hovers somewhere around + or - 50% (depending upon a number of different variables) for first time marriages, it goes up incrementally for second, third and subsequent marriages. For second time marriages its somewhere around 63% and for third? A whopping 72%. She's human ~ a human being subject to all the misguided, good intentions, temptations, compulsions and desires that we all are subjected to as human beings. She like you? Isn't perfect and in all my years of walking around on the planet? I've not meet the perfect human being yet! I always tell myself when wanting to point the finger at someone to first look at the three that I have pointing back at myself? Don't play games, like becoming unavailable to her for weeks etc. Touch base with her at least, so she knows your alive etc. Really 'talk' to her when you are ready, don't be forced into the conversation until you are ready. You will be better off forgiving her eventually, but the main factor in your relationship is your little girl. I think women cheat because we get sexually immune to the familiar. You live with someone long enough in sometimes they start to become like a brother, or father etc. We're conditioned to expect the romance, the butterflies and passion everlasting. It's not usually so. Someone can come along and awaken the desire, reminding us we are desirable (this doesn't mean you weren't attentive) and how amazing that feels. How to overcome this, I believe the key is talking and building on the other parts of love, like friendship. Do something that she loves, and then something that you love. When the respect is there, she will be able think and make the right choice in the future, but that's dependent on what comes next. You wife does love you but she wasn't able to act maturely, and say no out of respect to you. It's a conditional love, not a selfless love, she put her desire before your consideration. It is not your fault, and you can end it now, no one would blame you. You have your little one who needs cooperative, loving parents for the best possible chance. You have got to decide the best way you and your wife can provide this. But you married your wife, and the reason why I do not believe in marriage is because we can unmarry each other. I love my partner, what keeps me loyal is because I think about how much disloyalty would hurt him. I also am open to the notion that I may have to choose to forgive him. Be strong, but let her know that you felt this deeply. You also need to get to the bottom of it, does she want out? I am sorry that you have been hurt, you can get through it, don't allow yourself to be pressured by her or others. Try and not think about what friends and family will think, because some of them might really be able to be supportive (however, choose carefully, because some might never be able to forgive your wife even after you have). God Bless. There are wisdom in these words? Men don't appreciate the emotional and pyschological development of women ~ that of being the 'pursued" and not the pursuer? Its all too easy to become complacent in a relationship especially a marriage. Gradually over time you begin to take each other for granted ~ to take the relationship / marriage for granted as a 'given' But marriages are not a stagnant non-living entity ~ their and entity in and of to themselves. They require ~ no demand tending to, nurturing, in order to blossom. Otherwise they will wilter and die. You need to take some time to get this all wrapped around your head. Your probally going to need some time on alone on the back forty with just yourself. Your whole world has been shooked to its very foundation. What was is no more, and can never be again. But from this a new life can emerge. A new and stronger and better relationship. IC and MC would be a good start for many. Educating yourself about marriage, relationship, women would be another good start. Some books that I've read that have helped post-divorce "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love!" "Divorcebusters" "Why Women Cheat!" "How To Satisfy a Woman Everytime and Have Her Beg For More.........." "Light Her Fire" Light Your Fire!" "Romance 101" "1001 Ways To Be Romantic" "1001 More Ways To be Romantic" "Notes To Each Other!" "The Two Minute Lover" "Why Men Don't Have A Clue And Women Need Another Pair of Shoes!" "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" "Relationship Rescue" "GenderSpeak" "You Just Don't Understand" "Why Women Worry!" Most any woman needs to be wanted, needed, valued, desired ~ Hell most men want and need the same thing? Just in different ways. But women and men also need to treasured and reassured. Men and women want and need to be appreciated. We men get so wrapped up in our roles of being protectors and providers? We often forget to be lovers as well. WE men get so wrapped up in our jobs and careers ~ of climbing up the food chain? We forget about the carefree days when we first got together. We forget how to be charming, flirtatious, care-free, easy going, .....................Hell just fun to be around and with. As couples we get caught up in to the day to day grind. In Hellen Kriedmans's "Light Her Fire!"(She is also the author of "Light His Fire!"and "Light Your Fire!" and "How Are Suppose To Light A Fire When the Kids Are Driving Us Crazy!") she talks about how people come back together at the end of the day. The husband comes home from work, she's been tied up with the house all day, and the household chores, the kids, the wants and needs of the kids. She's trying to get an endless list of chores done, cook supper, a load of clothes in the wash, another load in the dryer, and and never ending line of other loads to be done. The kids are running around the house, screaming and shouting. There's this going on, that going on. There's this to do, and that to do. Suzy got to have this for school, Joey's got that to do? There's homework. The husband comes in ~ his azz drags in about a half hour later from getting beat up at work. He flips through the mail, might flop his fat azz down and start watching TV, the news, the sports highlights, or getting lost in his latest video game? What should be going on? Is the first half hour home? No TV, no checking the mail, no phone calls. Kids go to your room ~ go outside and play. This is time for Mommy and Daddy to re-connect! That might ensue the wife going on and on and seemingly on and on about one thing that seems insanely inane to the DH? But you know what? Its important to her! When Mrs Gunny speaks? I hit the mute on the remote. With DVD-R whatever is on? I can watch it sometime later or even next week. If I'm on the phone? I tell them, "Let me call you back, Mrs Gunny has something to say to me!" I let her know in small ways, in all ways, that's she's the most important person in my world. I wouldn't think twice about putting her wants and needs before my own. And I let the world know it. When I go out in public with her? I let her and the world know that she's my gal! I hold her hand, I put my arm around her. When we meet someone out and about? I let them know that she's my gal and I'm proud that she is! And I want the whole world to know it. I want the whole world to know that to me? She extraordinary special. I know how to pick up women. You've have to if your in the Marine Corps. They'll pluck you down in the middle of no-where and you've got less than a freaking heart beat, and you've got to be on top of your A-game or spend a really long time being lonely and alone. I learned how to dance, took dance lessons. Anything from disco, to two-step, line dancing, waltz, ballroom dancing. I know quite a bit of magic tricks, bar room tricks. (The grand kids love it!) The official motto of the Marines is "Semper Fidelis" ~ Latin for "Always Faithful" It really should be more along of the lines of "Marines! You can trust us with your money! You can trust us with your life! You just can't trust us with your wife!" I know how to dazzle them my brilliance, and baffle them with BS! My one weakess? I'm a one woman-at-a-time-man! I prefer one really quality woman? Than half a dozen flaky ones! I wouldn't get the in-laws, friends, neighbors etc involved. Its none of their business! Its your business. One thing I do absolutely know about women? You can get away with a lot ~ and I mean tons of it? But don't ever, and I mean NEVER embarass her in front others ~ especially her friends, her family, her parents, her siblings. Don't EVER put her in a position of having to live something down, or having to explain something to others ~ especially those that mean a lot to her. Don't talk to your buddies because they're going to give you BS advice, that's contrary to your own best self interest. They're going to come off all mannish and macho. "Man! T'ain't no freaking way! I'd kick her azz to tha' curb in a freaking heartbeat! :mad: They're just 'frontin ya!" They tell you one thing and do another were it them!"
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