Wife Cheated. Feeling Miserable. Depressed.

[Gunny376]

Men tend to think along the lines of ~

 

"Hey! I bust my azz at work! I'm on top of my game! I AM tha' man! I up and coming! I'm moving up the food chain! I'm a good provider, I bring home tha' bacon! Joe Smuckatelle? He ain't got nothing on me! I take care of business! I pay my bills, I've X, Y, and Z! I've got a _________________and _____________________and ___________________(Fill in the blanks!)

 

 

In the book "Crazy Time" a book about the craziness of going through a divorce. It relates the stroy of a guy that busted his azz in the corporate world to make and become a VP.

 

He finally made it, got the key to the excuative washroom, the corner office on the nth floor, priviledges to use the corporate jet, etc.

 

He comes home, with flowers and champagne to celebrate. The kids are grown and gone ~ graduated from the Ivy League college etc.

 

The wife just looks at him and says ~ "That's nice! But I really wished that you had just spent more time with the kids and I when they were growing up!"

 

No one ever layed on their death bed and wished they had spent more time at the office. No one, not a single one that was on those airliners that crashed into the ground or the Twin Towers on 9/11 thought about work, about getting that next promotion, climbing up the food chain, the Mercedes, or their BMW. They didn't think about nor gave a damn about their bosses!

 

I can't speak for anyone else? But for me?

 

I'm working to live ~ not living to work!

[Gunny376]

My child arrived just the other day

He came to the world in the usual way

But there were planes to catch and bills to pay

He learned to walk while I was away

And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew

He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad

You know I'm gonna be like you"

 

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home dad?

I don't know when, but we'll get together then son

You know we'll have a good time then

 

My son turned ten just the other day

He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play

Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today

I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"

And he walked away but his smile never dimmed

And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah

You know I'm gonna be like him"

 

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home son?

I don't know when, but we'll get together then son

You know we'll have a good time then

 

Well, he came home from college just the other day

So much like a man I just had to say

"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"

He shook his head and said with a smile

"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys

See you later, can I have them please?"

 

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home son?

I don't know when, but we'll get together then son

You know we'll have a good time then

 

I've long since retired, my son's moved away

I called him up just the other day

I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"

He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time

You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu

But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad

It's been sure nice talking to you"

 

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me

He'd grown up just like me

My boy was just like me

 

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home son?

I don't know when, but we'll get together then son

You know we'll have a good time then

 

 

Don't be this guy! Don't be me!

[ssml]

Thank you all. Gunny: I must've read your post five times. Thank you!

 

See, the funny thing is, that I always thought I was being attentive. Believe me, I am not the type of man that doesn't speak to neglect their spouse. I did the who shabang...dinners, dates, movies, sexy gifts, occasional flowers....I get the feeling she just needed to experience something new. I've also been asking myself if she has ever done this before at any other stage in our relationship. The only things that comforts me slightly is that I was able to learn the truth relatively recently.

 

Also, I did a lot of thinking about telling the other man's wife about this...they too have a long relationship with children...I just couldn't get myself to do it...

 

This pain I am going through takes me away from all aspects in life.

 

I kid you not, I am a professional who is in charge of a company and many staff...and I feel today as if I am about to crumble and just begin to cry in front of everyone...Trying to hold up isn't easy, my friends...it isn't.

 

I will keep you posted on my progress.

[Gunny376]

OOOoooohhhh My Friend! Think of being a Marine Gunny trying not to lose it front of a couple of battle-hardened, blooded Marines! Back in tha' day when I was going through this!

 

I so much wanted someone, anyone just to console me, to comfort me ~ yet how could I do that when there was the "WALL OF SHAME!"

 

Pictures plastured upon a makeshift piece of plywood in the middle of dessert of un-faithful wives, GF's?

[CptSaveAho]

Who said anything about revenge? I told him to contact the OMW because it's the RIGHT thing to do. If your girl was cheating on you and the OMW knew it, wouldn't you want to know or would there still be no need because you would be content being the clueless cuckold.... but hey! Who am I to judge. If that's your thing, then roll with it.

 

The OMW has a right to know so she can make an informed decision on where she wants her marriage and relationship to go. Their spouses were in the driver's seat when they decided to cheat. Now, the OP and the OMW are driving as far as where their marriages are going. Whether to divorce or reconcile. She needs to know that as of right now, her marriage is a lie and witholding that sort of information from her...well, in my opinion, he would be no different than the two that cheated. Because, now, the OP is cheating her out of the right to know the truth and make a decision.

 

Plus,if he is even thinking about reconcilation, exposure is paramount. She SAYS that she ended it with the OM, but what is the golden rule with cheating. Never believe what they tell you; verify!!! If he exposes to the OMW, the OM is gonna throw the WW under the bus in a New York minute. Then, she'll see his true colors.

 

Exposure is the quickest way to end an affair.

 

What you dont realize and have yet to realize is the affair happened... what point is ending it? There should be no reconciliation... zero zilch... so contacting other person is pointless... you just want the other person to be contacted because if it were you in those shoes you would WANT and have a need to know. Stop projecting your wants and needs onto every single cheating post on LS. Its like asking your new girlfriend how many sexual partners or relationships they have been in, the honest answer is going to be something you can't take.

 

When I read your posts, it sounds like every girl you ever date for the rest of your life is going to be paying for crimes that your ex committed. You have been here 3 years posting about cheating, when are you going to move on?

 

You also have no ability to see the big picture. They have been together since highschool. They are first loves. I do not know of one single couple that is happily married today that are first loves. Its the way it is, no one knows how to be in a relationship at that young of an age. Everyone in it makes mistakes. Im sure OP wasn't the perfect husband. At the same time, how many of you actually ended your first relationship.... probably none of you... you didnt know how to... didnt want to hurt someone and wanted to make it work. How do you think/why do you think she did what she did. She felt trapped, like we all did

 

You really need to grow up and move on from being cheated on. I have deeper emotional scars from cheating then most people in this forum but any girl I date doesn't pay for crimes that I lived through in my youth

Edited March 5, 2013 by CptSaveAho

[Cali408]

You are getting great advice here. Be there for your daughter. Don't play games, but don't beg. You should have kicked her out and let her see what life is like without you and the house. You lost a little leverage there.

 

Don't contact her, but answer her calls, be matter of fact and civil. I know you have a lot of anger and betrayal built up. Relax.

 

I'm not excusing what your wife did. Being high school sweethearts can be a burden in that you're probably the only person she has been with. Missed out on the college and single experience. This is probably a delayed reaction. Not excusable but reality.

 

Good luck, if you still love her, don't be stubborn. Work on forgiveness, besides your child, it will be the greatest gift you could ever give.

[Owl]

Here are my thoughts.

 

1. If you're not crystal clear on what direction you want to go in at this time...that's ok.- There's no requirement that you make up your mind right this second to decide on whether or not you want to attempt to reconcile your marriage or divorce. Take a few days, sort through your feelings, think about what future you want to have...with her, or without her...in light of the bombshell she's dropped on your life and marriage. THEN decide if you want to reconcile or divorce.

 

2. There's nothing wrong with EITHER choice.- Reconcile, or divorce. Neither is more noble, nor more ignoble. They're simply possible outcomes of the situation as it stands today.

 

3. No matter which choice you make, your child will most likely be fine in the long run.- Either choice has the potential to have a happy outcome for your child, as long as you keep her in your heart and make choices that include how to best take care of her needs.

 

So...man up a bit. Don't feel like you have to have the answers right this second, because that's simply quite impossible.

 

Slow down for a minute...if you don't have a goal at the moment, focus on taking care of the short term/mid-term items, such as where you stay, with whom your daughter stays, etc... Once you resolve those things, you'll be able to turn your focus on long term goals and options.

[InfiniteWorth]

12 years together---intimate with some guy 3 times. Honey, there is no comparison. Getting even won't solve anything- I know you feel rejected, and you want to reject her in return; and in times like these I know it's very hard to see the big picture. If you forgive her and ask her " what can we do for our relationships well being? " talk about your relationship for awhile. These events are like little earthquakes from thoughts and feelings of repression. Sit her down and look her in the face and talk to her. Use your heart and your balls. Tell her how you feel! Without screaming if you can. Only answer the phone to tell her where you want to meet. This is not a phone conversation. If the relationship is worth it, honesty and communication will flow freely and hopefully you will both gain perspective. Through her destructive actions you can actually gain a better relationship. Im one of those cheese balls that thinks everything happens for a reason. Forgive- not because others deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace. Have a better day, take your time, take care of yourself.

[aed]

I see allot of users going for the 'it is hard, but forgive her etc'

 

OP, I can't tell you what to do, but there are somethings to consider:

 

- It was your wife that blewup your marriage, not the other way around!

- Second she was the one that betrayed you and your family!

 

I think you need to make something clear for yourself:

- do i want and can i stay in a relationship with her? I think you should make that decision first.

 

I know you have a child, but it is your life and that is on the line.

your family should be second thought for the reconcile (yes i know some people disagree, but she didn't put you or your family at the top of her list.) Being a good father is something different then being a husband for your wife imo

 

(allot of men have a moment in his life that he felt he could hit his wife (but 99% of the guys dont do that). When you haven't beat your wife for 20 years, does that count, when you beat her the first time? "no"!!!

It doesn't matter if you are together 20 years and stayed faithfull, or only 2 months, it doesn't mather..... From that point on someone is a cheater and betrayed their spouse.)

[Bryanp]

Very sorry what you are going through. I would suggest:

 

1. You both get tested for STD's immediately.

2. Contact the OM's wife immediately. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want someone to inform you?

3. Contact an attorney just to understand your various options.

 

My question is did down deep your wife thought that if she had a sexual affair that you would end up forgiving her so she had nothing to lose?

 

There must be consequences to her actions. If the roles were reversed would she immediately forgive you for having a 3 week affair and screwing another woman at least times? Think about it.

[drifter777]

Fact: you can be a good father without being married to her mother. Fact: your wife vowed to be faithful and then gave herself to another man. It cannot be undone, and you will never forget what she did.

 

Here's the big questions you need to answer: do you think you can keep living with her knowing what she did? Do you think you can stand the horrible mind-movies of your wife and OM having sex? What happens when you find out the affair actually was 6 months or a year and she's lost count of the number of times they met for sex? You have no way of knowing the truth about her cheating, and you cannot believe a word she says right now. For a man to reconcile with a cheating wife is the hardest thing you will ever do, and you may end up divorcing anyway. Take whatever time you need to consider all of this before making any decisions about how to proceed.

 

Every man is different, but there are certain things that are the same for all of us. Here's something I read that sums up the depth of a wife's betrayal.

 

Wife: What is the infidelity in my infidelity?

 

Husband: The infidelity is that you took something that was supposed to be mine, which is sexual intimacy, and you gave it to somebody else. I thought that we had a special relationship, and now you have contaminated it. It doesn't feel special anymore because you shared something very precious to us with someone else.

 

Another factor:

 

There are gender differences. Men feel more betrayed by their wives having sex with someone else; women feel more betrayed by their husbands being emotionally involved with someone else. What really tears men apart is to visualize their partner being sexual with somebody else.

 

Some men are able to successfully reconcile with a cheating wife and some are not. Try to figure which one you think you are before trying to reconcile. And remember that you can change your mind during the process and decide that you cannot accept living with her and what she did.

 

The thing you need to work hard to avoid is thinking that you can somehow put this out of your mind and that "time heals all wounds". That doesn't work. Deal with this now.

[jnel921]

ssml.... I am sorry for your pain. Many of us share it and know it all too well....

 

First of all it's good you have separated yourself. It gives you time to think clearly.

 

There are several things to consider here. But the first thing you should try to do is leave ego at the door.

 

I believe this is what stops a lot of people here on this forum from reconciling. You shouldn't spend the rest of your life thinking, how can she do this to me, I am so great, I am this and I am that....because that is not what A are about.

 

You say she came to you earlier confused telling you perhaps you should leave. She may have felt uncomfortable about the situation and wasn't sure how to handle. Remember WS have to juggle dual lives. She may have confessed after 3 weeks because it may have been too overwhelming. You need to have those conversations with her.

 

My H slept with someone twice in the span of 2 weeks when they were communicating. This person was his BF's girlfriend at the time. She was upset that her man was away and leaning heavily on my H and he took the bait unfortunately . He was remorseful however he didn't tell me. She did.

 

Your wife was honest. That should score her a few points.

 

I know it's tough to wrap our mind around all of it. The thought of your wife in bed with someone else may make you want to punch holes in the wall. I felt that way too. But if you choose to R that will change.

 

It takes time. The initial blow is tough.You just have to be certain that your W is not the type to take up OM when you have issues. Consider the relationship you have.

 

R does not mean you accept what they did. R comes with conditions. If it doesn't work you can always leave. It takes time to rebuild that love again, but it's possible.

[CarboniteCammy]

I'm sorry, SML. In your shoes, I'd be shattered. It's ok to just take some time and I would just suggest for your own peace of mind that you take the high road in whatever ways that you can. Regardless, you don't want to have any regrets about your own behavior in this situation.

 

Cleave to your child.

 

Sometimes as a mom I feel like the love I have for my young son is the only truly pure and untarnished thing I have in my life, and I deeply cherish it. Sometimes, it's like a beacon of light to me when I'm otherwise not in a good place.

 

Maybe you can find some comfort in your own relationship.

 

I hope that you have a good strong family support system.

 

Also...

 

I do think you should broadcast the affair far and wide. I think you should tell every single person who knows you and your wife and I think you shouldn't hesitate to contact the OM's wife. Everyone should know.

 

Your wife should feel the shame of doing what she did.

 

Sweeping this under the rug won't help and may cause things to fester.

[CarboniteCammy]

I don't know if this was mentioned, but you may want to get yourself tested for STDs.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thank you all. Gunny: I must've read your post five times. Thank you!

See, the funny thing is, that I always thought I was being attentive. Believe me, I am not the type of man that doesn't speak to neglect their spouse. I did the who shabang...dinners, dates, movies, sexy gifts, occasional flowers....I get the feeling she just needed to experience something new. I've also been asking myself if she has ever done this before at any other stage in our relationship. The only things that comforts me slightly is that I was able to learn the truth relatively recently.

Also, I did a lot of thinking about telling the other man's wife about this...they too have a long relationship with children...I just couldn't get myself to do it...

This pain I am going through takes me away from all aspects in life.

I kid you not, I am a professional who is in charge of a company and many staff...and I feel today as if I am about to crumble and just begin to cry in front of everyone...Trying to hold up isn't easy, my friends...it isn't.

I will keep you posted on my progress.

 

I can completely relate to what you are going through. My relationship went into meltdown 3 years ago. I walked and it hurt for a few months, but now I'm with the most amazing woman ever! I honestly could not imagine myself happier.

 

Affairs are always risky business. Do you think you wife believed you would forgive? Did she begin an affair thinking you didn't have the balls to leave? Did she just not care? Or did she really think you are enough of a chump that you would never have found out? I really don't see a good answer here. I consider it a positive that she came out and told you.

 

Are you certain she dumped him and not the other way around? What caused her conscience to suddenly reappear? That doesn't make sense to me.

 

How did she meet this guy? How is she proving that there is no longer contact? Is she willing to call his wife with you right there and confess the affair? Usually when women still have feelings for the other guy they fight suggestions like that to protect him.

 

Has she given you access to all of her email passwords and cell phone records?

 

I think because on the outside it looks as if your wife at some point decided you were worth more than the affair... and was willing to be honest... I believe you have a window of opportunity if you choose to take it. I think it will require a kind of strength most people don't have.

 

If you choose to walk away, don't worry about the money, and the kids will be fine so long as you continue to be a father. It cost me an enormous sum of money to walk away, but it was worth every penny. The affair taught me that she didn't honestly love me... and it has been a true blessing to be able to find someone who really does.

 

Best of Luck to You! I feel for what your going through now, but I know you will come out the other end happier and stronger!

[Cali408]

I disagree with you Seething And Smiling. Don't tell the other person's wife. She is an innocent victim. Why hurt her? People don't need to spread the collateral damage.

 

Use it as leverage. Tell the other man that if he ever contact your wife again while you are married that you'll tell his wife.

[Chi townD]

What you dont realize and have yet to realize is the affair happened... what point is ending it? There should be no reconciliation... zero zilch... so contacting other person is pointless... you just want the other person to be contacted because if it were you in those shoes you would WANT and have a need to know. Stop projecting your wants and needs onto every single cheating post on LS. Its like asking your new girlfriend how many sexual partners or relationships they have been in, the honest answer is going to be something you can't take.

 

When I read your posts, it sounds like every girl you ever date for the rest of your life is going to be paying for crimes that your ex committed. You have been here 3 years posting about cheating, when are you going to move on?

 

You also have no ability to see the big picture. They have been together since highschool. They are first loves. I do not know of one single couple that is happily married today that are first loves. Its the way it is, no one knows how to be in a relationship at that young of an age. Everyone in it makes mistakes. Im sure OP wasn't the perfect husband. At the same time, how many of you actually ended your first relationship.... probably none of you... you didnt know how to... didnt want to hurt someone and wanted to make it work. How do you think/why do you think she did what she did. She felt trapped, like we all did

 

You really need to grow up and move on from being cheated on. I have deeper emotional scars from cheating then most people in this forum but any girl I date doesn't pay for crimes that I lived through in my youth

 

 

And what YOU FAIL to realize is that at one time I got burned bad. Really bad. But, I got my life turned around for the better. You think that I have this miserable life sitting in a basement with nothing better to do than to post her and be bitter eating cheetos. And you couldn't be more wrong. So, I'm well adjusted and I've moved on. But, I've remained to help others.

 

I'm a professional with a good career living the good life in the burbs. I'm happily married to a wonderful woman that I'm madly in love with. So, why do I post here for so long? BECAUSE I LIKE HELPING PEOPLE!!! I like seeing people recover and do well with the advice that they recieve here. See them make progress and move on. You're right, I see your deep emotional scars and is pretty evident in your "f*ck everyone" posts that you usually write.

 

This situation is a hell of a lot different than some random kid in college finding out that their boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on them. This situation has a different dynamic to it. Where this relationship is legally binding. There are a lot of things to consider. So, it not projecting MY WANTS or MY NEEDS. It called being informed. Have you ever READ a book on this type of subject matter where infidelity is concerned? I have, have you? Most books written by professionals on the subject matter has stated that exposure is paramount for ending an affair. The OP isn't sure what he wants to do yet. Either leave or reconcile. If he wants to reconcile, then exposure is necessary to ensure that the affair ends. To bring it to light. Most affairs thrive in the darkness, like roaches, but once you flip that light switch; they scatter. THAT'S IF HE WANTS TO RECONCILE THE MARRIAGE! That's not me "projecting my wants and desires" That's being informed from the research that I've gathered. And I stand by my statement that the OMW has the RIGHT to know what's going on with her own marriage. That's not being vindictive, or vengeful. Their spouses already took care of that for them.

 

So, sorry if you think that I'm projecting. I suppose you ARE right. I'm projecting what I learned from books and listening to professional in seminars; being informed.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I disagree with you Seething And Smiling. Don't tell the other person's wife. She is an innocent victim. Why hurt her? People don't need to spread the collateral damage.

Use it as leverage. Tell the other man that if he ever contact your wife again while you are married that you'll tell his wife.

 

She has already been hurt... she has been cut and is bleeding. You have to be a complete @ss to not tell her before she bleeds to death.

 

Besides... who are you to decide for her? Shouldn't she be allowed to decide for herself?

[Cali408]

No, instead you're ripping her heart out. I agree with the Capt. on this. Your problems aren't their marital problems

[Just a Guy]

SSML I am sorry to read about your situation. I would urge you to take some time out for your self and introspect about what you want to do. No hasty decisions at this point. Remember, if you decide to divorce you can always reconcile with your wife later on after things have cooled down and you have had time to reflect on every thing in a cool and collected manner. This is not to say that the decision to divorce will be an easy one. What you do need to do after you have got over the initial shock is to sit your wife down and try and find out what the circumstances were that lead to her cheating. If she is really remorseful she will will give you all the answers you seek without holding back. However if she hesitates or gaslights(as people on this forum are wont to say) then you know that things have not really changed as far as she is concerned and that, may be one of the cues for you to decide that you want to divorce. The thing with a divorce is that it is so final that it will help you start afresh on a clean slate and remove you from the incessant pain that continues to afflict you. It will break the spell and the power that your wife holds over you. Also, once you decide on a divorce it will bring reality to bear on your wife and she will realize that you are slipping away from her grasp. That in itself will bring her down to mother earth and she will begin to sing a different song and give you the full truth. You can always reverse the divorce proceedings if you are convinced that she is telling you the complete truth and that she is fully remorseful. If she still refuses to give you the full truth then you would know with finality that she has already distanced herself from you and you have already lost her. In that case the divorce will only help resolve the matter in a positive manner for you.

 

The fact is that you are still very young and if you do decide to divorce and move on in life then you can start afresh with a new woman who will give you the love you deserve without stabbing you in the back. Do not keep dwelling on the beauty and good looks of your wife. Those did no good for you and someone else made use of them to get intimate with her. Also the supposed good life you had with her was a sham which she kept up with while she was scouring the green pastures around her.

 

As far as your daughter is concerned you will have to work out the best possible solution for her well being. In this your family and also your wife would have to take an active part and I am sure that your wife would be just as keen as you to see that your daughter had her best interests looked after. So I would say tread slowly and carefully, give a lot of thought to your actions and think as much with your brain as with your emotions while deciding on your future course of actions! My best wishes to you in resolving this extremely painful affair.

[Toddbt12y1]

It might be seen as cruel to this OM wife, it is mercy; there is a type of mercy, that is cruel.

 

Asuming this guy doesn't care, and keeps on cheating. One day, she will find out. Then she is more hurt, for wasting years being cheated on. More years developing more connections to this man.

[Kali-Persad]

Most likely you’re feeling some intense emotions. Perhaps you’re feeling anger, hurt, sad, humiliated, embarrassed and betrayed all at once. Perhaps you’re criticizing yourself. It’s not easy to deal with these strong feelings.

 

 

If you’re feeling like you want to get revenge or that you want to hurt someone or yourself, I encourage you to get professional help ASAP.

 

 

Maybe you have questions: How could she do that to you? What did you do wrong? Does she really love you? Was the whole relationship a lie? How can you trust her now? What should I do?

 

 

It’s tough to be objective. It’s also difficult to consider the other person’s side of the situation.

 

 

Here is what someone could do in this situation:

 

 

1. Recognize and acknowledge your feelings. Respect yourself by admitting you have them.

 

 

2. Avoid making any important decisions when you’re under the influence of these intense emotions.

 

 

3. Allow the emotions to cool down.

 

 

4. Communicate with spouse using slow, non-verbal means, such as emails or letters. This is to avoid quick reactive responses.

 

 

5. Express yourself, including how you feel. Ask any questions you need answered. Important – no attacks, please. All communication must be RESPECTFUL. The idea here is to gain understanding between both of you.

 

 

6. Identify and focus on what you want. Do you want to save your family?

 

 

7. Identify what your spouse wants. Are both of you in agreement?

 

 

This is a start. It can help you heal and deal with the situation more rationally.

Edited March 6, 2013 by Kali-Persad