Did it take you a while to actually acknowledge / realise you were cheating?

[stevie_23]

I just wondered this. Because some affairs begin as friendships and get closer and more intimate and then you start sharing things with this person that you wouldn’t or can’t share with your own partner…is there ever a definite line you cross when you finally realise OMG, I’m actually CHEATING on my partner with this person.

 

For me it took a while. My ex-MM and I were friends first, casual friends for 1-2 years, then VERY close friends for a month or so and we spent a lot of time discussing and analysing our feelings for what we had (and we didn’t know what that was, either). I had all these reasons why obviously nothing could ever happen…his age, our partners and my sexuality. And yet…somewhere in there, we ended up getting together. But I can’t remember or pinpoint an exact time when it hit me that I was actually cheating. I know my guilt grew and grew and at some stage I remember feeling like I’d thrown open these previously locked tight doors and now my private, exclusive relationship with my partner was exposed and betrayed. But I can’t remember exactly how far into things that happened.

[promises]

yes, it took awhile before I realized that emotions where strong. Also, I did not (naive) believe that he would cross a line because he was married.

 

[Realist3]

Once we started talking seriously, I knew immediately; pehaps a week. For her it took until we had sex to come to grips with it.

[stevie_23]

yes, it took awhile before I realized that emotions where strong. Also, I did not (naive) believe that he would cross a line because he was married.

 

 

Mmm, yeah, I can see how that’s so easy to happen.

 

I remember talking a lot about how we could never actually do anything and our feelings would never get to anything serious (beyond whatever we already had, which was an intense friendship but also more somehow, though we hadn’t done anything to represent that yet) because I was gay and he was a guy, and because we were both with other people. I remember saying the long distance thing wasn’t an issue and neither was the age, unless we really got together in the future (if our situations changed so we were not with other people when we got together) and then the age would be THE big issue because I told him I didn’t want to be alone at age 50.

 

Also, 2 other factors that kind of contributed to me taking a while to realise what was going on were that firstly, we never defined what we were to each other UNTIL we were already together. We were like…not just friends, not lovers, not a couple, not…anything. But also it felt like we were everything, at the same time in a way. And at first, I can now see looking back, we seemed to USE discussing endlessly our feelings for each and what our “relationship” was as a tool to NOT actually ACT on it for a while. We did that INSTEAD of just coming out and being together (at first).

 

And secondly, as I said above, we talked about being together and how this could never happen, and that we could ONLY be together if at some stage in the future we were both FREE to be together. Not with other people. But…then somewhere we just…got together anyway. And then started planning TO be single so we could REALLY be together. Which of course never ended up happening.

[sweetkiwi]

You're obsessed with cheating.

[Cali408]

I agree with Kiwi. Stevie, you have to get over this. Continuing over and over reliving your affair is masochistic.

[LFH]

She does need to get over it, in her own time, in her own way. It's healthy for her to need and want to discuss things, and since she doesn't have anyone to do so with in person, where else should she do so? How else should she work it out?

 

She had a guy she was really attached to, who disappeared from her life. Why isn't she entitled to take as long as she needs to work through it?

[Yellowteacup]

I always knew that my OM would somehow ruin my marriage some day. We hit it off from the very beginning. Friends at first and then I would see him maybe once every so often. Nothing major. I've known him all together about 5 years and it's only been the last 4 months we've been lovers, developing deeper feelings, etc. The stress factor isn't from my H, but from the OM. He wants more of me but I don't think is exactly sure. We are both confused.

[LFH]

I always knew that my OM would somehow ruin my marriage some day. We hit it off from the very beginning. Friends at first and then I would see him maybe once every so often. Nothing major. I've known him all together about 5 years and it's only been the last 4 months we've been lovers, developing deeper feelings, etc. The stress factor isn't from my H, but from the OM. He wants more of me but I don't think is exactly sure. We are both confused.

 

I don't understand how someone OUTSIDE of your marriage can ruin it. No matter what your feelings, etc, it's important to realize that they can't make you break your vows, only you can do that.

Were you happy with your marriage before this man entered your life?

[Got it]

I knew for myself, moment in his car driving from a meeting and he was saying something funny and I started flirting with him. On his end, I knew he crossed the line when he kept asking if I was going to this one event.

 

The obvious marker was at the event when I asked him if there was something going on between us.

 

Those three interactions was the slip and slide ride down the slippery slope into the affair.

[stevie_23]

Thank you, LFH.

 

I find talking about it, looking at it from other angles and perspectives, helps me to learn why I did it in the first place, what was going on in my head before, during and also now it’s over.

 

I don’t start a lot of threads on here. It’s not as if I start a new thread every hour, discussing affairs and cheating. I don’t constantly re-live my affair in my head either.

 

In a way, EVERYONE around here who was with someone and now isn’t, is somewhat “obsessed” because otherwise, they’d wouldn’t have any interest in still being here.

[spice4life]

I always knew that my OM would somehow ruin my marriage some day. We hit it off from the very beginning. Friends at first and then I would see him maybe once every so often. Nothing major. I've known him all together about 5 years and it's only been the last 4 months we've been lovers, developing deeper feelings, etc. The stress factor isn't from my H, but from the OM. He wants more of me but I don't think is exactly sure. We are both confused.

 

Nobody ruined your marriage except you. You had a choice and chose to be involved in an affair. You have to accept responsibility for your choices. No one forced you into it...as long as you were a willing participant you cannot blame anyone but yourself. Your marriage will suffer as long as you are looking to blame elsewhere. THAT is the issue.

[BrokenPrincess]

You're obsessed with cheating.

 

I think she's actually just obsessed with her A....and trying to process it and recover. Isn't that what brings most of us here?

[stevie_23]

Thank you, Brokenprincess! Yes, it does bring us here. And we are all (those who are no longer in an A, or those who are and trying to deal with any problems or just talk with people in similar situations) at varying stages of the process. If it was a year down the track and I was still in this same place, THEN I’d be concerned.

[BrokenPrincess]

Stevie, I'm actually glad you posed this question. I never heard of EA before my A, and in reading others stories, I've wondered how/if you know when crossed into cheating territory.

 

My A was not an EA first. We were strictly coworkers that just got along really well from the beginning, but we never talked outside of work or shared things you wouldn't talk to any other coworker about. I realized I was going to cheat the night we decided to both get off at his floor on a work trip. Then I finally acknowledged the attraction I'd been squashing for the past year, and he confessed he felt the same way and had no idea I did too.

[stevie_23]

Yeah, see, even when you have “in person” affairs, it can take a while to really dawn on you that you’re actually CHEATING.

 

So online-based ones…that line or dawning can be even more gradual or subtle.

[psm04]

I realized something was happening when I started really enjoying the conversations with the OMM at work, and then going home and thinking about them and looking forward to seeing him/talking to him the next day. It officially crossed the line when I finally told him how I felt, and he said 'The feeling is mutual'. We didn't have any physical contact for about a month after that conversation, but we all know that you don't have to do anything physical in order to have an A. My MM and I haven't even gone all the way sexually, and I don't plan on doing it. Our A was/is a whirlwind of intense feelings that are hard to control.

 

Reliving the 'old days' of my A has made me wonder what would have happened if I never told him how I felt. I have wondered about that with him before, and he says that if I didn't say something, he would have, but I doubt it. We could be continuing that great work friendship that we had, instead of us going through all the bs that we go through now.

[Lillyfree]

looking back, i realise i was extremely naive. as i have never cheated before i didn't even know what an EA was, or that they existed. i used to post quite actively on a couple of forums and have spoken to guys before, some of them are on my IM contact list to this day... and the line has never been crossed. my H knows about them and has spoken to them before.

 

so when i met OM i never thought much of it in the beginning. only when i realised after a while that he was messaging me constantly, and how much time i actually spent talking to him, that a thought of 'what is going on' started to creep in.

naturally, i explained it away with 'well, it's just someone that i can talk to about things that i can't talk to with my husband'. and as it was all online/phone i didn't think there was anything wrong.

when we met in person for the first time, i knew that i was cheating. but by then i was too far gone to consider it wrong.

 

so i started googling various things, and came across the term 'emotional affair'. and i have to admit, it was a shock to realise i was cheating for several months.

[stevie_23]

This is me too. It was so gradual and subtle and...just not...anything I'd EVER have expected to end up in a serious affair relationship. I too had many other casual forum friends and various email buddies but...nothing, you know? Just nothing. So when this became something...it took me a while to see that.

[Lillyfree]

i think what got to me is that we just clicked so quickly. and it's not even that we just had lots of things in common, we were exactly the same. liked exactly the same things. thought exactly the same about important and unimportant topics.

 

however, i've also discovered the term 'mirroring' in my travels. and nowadays i don't think there was 'the one' person for me, the perfect match and that we're meant to be together. it's not possible for two people who have grown up on different continents and never met to be so alike.

i think he might have been telling porkies a bit tbh.

[stevie_23]

Hmm...

 

You can sort of sometimes determine whether he was trying to mirror you purposefully by whether you volunteered more information about your beliefs, interests, background or did he. Did he ever volunteer quite a lot of info that you then were like WOW! That's JUST like me! Or was it mainly the other way around?

 

I've thought about this too, with my ex-MM. We had a LOT in common, but not EVERYTHING. He grew up in the 50s and 60s and I grew up in the 80s and 90s. Automatically that makes us pretty different, although those differences don't necessarily equal incompatible. He has 3 siblings, I'm an only child. Both his parents have passed away, both of mine are still here (thank god). He's always worked in construction / landscaping, I've never done a day of hard labour in my LIFE. lol.

 

And yet...the way we THOUGHT, our beliefs, our values (such that they were), our musical stuff we shared, the way we went into doing our music (getting inspired to write a song, doing so quickly, not knowing any chords but just playing by ear, and then finishing the song and moving on to the next one fairly quickly too), the way we spoke and wrote (not our accents...Australian & American...but just the types of words we used and such)...just lots of little things and lots of very familiar / comforting things about each other.

 

I also know that when you're in love or falling in love, you do tend to exaggerate the importance of similarities. Like OMG you love pizza too!? WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER! lol

[Lillyfree]

hahaha

 

yeah, we're both foodies so that kinda thing popped up quite often

 

it wasn't just me or just him offering information. it was both of us....

so we could have been mirroring each other, it's just that mine wasn't intentional.

 

and he was the one making a bigger deal about the similarities - i usually said nothing. after a while it was pretty much 'yup, this too'.

[stevie_23]

Hmm...yes, he may have been mirrorring.

 

My ex and I were not (intentionally anyway). We had quite a few differences actually. The main similarities were really personality based as opposed to likes / dislikes and facts about each of us. I think it's natural when you first develop feelings to want to feel "the same" as that other person. To belong in a way.

 

But if it's fake, well...that's just so pointless.

 

My partner, her ex-girlfriend did this. She "pretended" to enjoy the same things my partner did, and then a few years later when the love wore off, she was SO bored (the ex was) and resented my partner for doing all these "boring" things. My partner was understandably baffled by this as she assumed they both enjoyed them, because that's what she'd been told.

[Lillyfree]

it's pointless if you're sincere - he obviously had a motive to do it.

 

we've all done it in the past though, it's easier to just agree on a few little things so that you don't offend/put off the other person, especially in the beginning of the relationship... but everything?!

 

i've learnt quite a bit - and one thing i know is that i'll never do that again. it's just easier to be completely honest

[stevie_23]

I think so too. It's more rewarding to be honest as well because if you're honest and they're honest and you STILL feel the amazing connection, then at least you know it's real and this person is an accurate reflection of what you're feeling and wanting.