Did it take you a while to actually acknowledge / realise you were cheating?

[Lillyfree]

i was honest. i didn't have ulterior motives of getting into his pants, i was already in a relationship...

 

and i thought that he was the same. we were just talking, right...

 

*shrug*

[stevie_23]

Oh, I know you were honest. I was honest too, with my ex-MM. I believe he was too. Your ex-MM, I don't know...(and obviously I can't know mine was completely too, but I think he was, because when he volunteered information first and it "matched up" with mine, obviously he wasn't trying to mirror me because he didn't know I felt the same way yet)

[stevie_23]

I had another thought related to this thread topic the other night, which is that in a way, although this may come across as a very lame and ignorant "excuse", sometimes it does take longer than it should for you to really realise you're cheating, because your partner has become more like a best friend, a sister, a brother, a really close roommate...and if you were falling in love with someone you'd never feel like you were cheating on a best friend or a sister, so...in a tangled sort of way, maybe that had something to do with it.

 

Also, I fully realised that in terms of my situation, my ex-MM and I developed love for each other almost right away, but we didn't define what TYPE of love it was. He called me "sister" for ages, in an endearing way. He felt strong affection towards me but didn't equate it to anything IN love or sexual or anything like that, and I was the same with him at first. By the time we realised we were IN love, it had been quite a while and we'd been that way for that long but just didn't notice. And so, for me also, feeling LOVE for someone in a PLATONIC way is not cheating. So it did take me a while firstly to realise what TYPE of love I felt for my ex-MM AND that that was actually cheating on my partner, who I had felt was like a best friend / sister for a long time.

[LadyGrey]

I've done that too, bit my tongue when I didn't want to and just played nice. I can't begin to tell you the trouble that caused me. (The narcissistic). lol I don't do it now and don't ever foresee doing it again. If I do........I hope someone slaps some sense into me.

 

I think it's very common to mirror off someone you like, but there is a line there and it's a thin one, hard to know when you fall off.

 

I think of my young g/f who passed away from cancer at the tender age of her in 30's almost 3 years ago and I think of how unfiltered she was. Sometimes it was freakin' hilarious, sometimes it was way overboard and could be hurtful, but yet, I aspire to be more like her, but not hurtful. I miss her.........very much!

 

 

 

it's pointless if you're sincere - he obviously had a motive to do it.

 

we've all done it in the past though, it's easier to just agree on a few little things so that you don't offend/put off the other person, especially in the beginning of the relationship... but everything?!

 

i've learnt quite a bit - and one thing i know is that i'll never do that again. it's just easier to be completely honest

[LadyGrey]

Stevie, it takes a long time or it did for me, to come to grips with the whole sordid mess. I still have an ahhh haaa moment every once in a while.

 

You are very introspective, that is a great thing.

Thumbs up!

 

Until I came here, I didn't realize that my friendship with xmm was closer than it should have been for a man who was married. I mean we weren't really close but he was telling me things he shouldn't have been about his marriage, (later I found it was all lies). Sadly he was grooming me, finding what my piss poor boundaries were. Yes, some men do groom the ow, the really rotten ones. By talking to me, he learned that I wouldn't have an affair, but yet it found that I would see him if he was "separated" so there came the lie about being separated and there we went.

 

 

I had another thought related to this thread topic the other night, which is that in a way, although this may come across as a very lame and ignorant "excuse", sometimes it does take longer than it should for you to really realise you're cheating, because your partner has become more like a best friend, a sister, a brother, a really close roommate...and if you were falling in love with someone you'd never feel like you were cheating on a best friend or a sister, so...in a tangled sort of way, maybe that had something to do with it.

 

Also, I fully realised that in terms of my situation, my ex-MM and I developed love for each other almost right away, but we didn't define what TYPE of love it was. He called me "sister" for ages, in an endearing way. He felt strong affection towards me but didn't equate it to anything IN love or sexual or anything like that, and I was the same with him at first. By the time we realised we were IN love, it had been quite a while and we'd been that way for that long but just didn't notice. And so, for me also, feeling LOVE for someone in a PLATONIC way is not cheating. So it did take me a while firstly to realise what TYPE of love I felt for my ex-MM AND that that was actually cheating on my partner, who I had felt was like a best friend / sister for a long time.

[stevie_23]

I'm sorry about your dear friend, LadyG. Way too young for cancer...not that ANYONE should die from cancer at all, of course. She sounded like she was someone who lived life to the fullest, while she was here...

 

I think I realised I was sharing things with him that I had already shared LONG ago with my partner when we were newly developing feelings. But then, I also shared those same things with the ex-work colleague I had a bit of a crush on, but who I had NO intentions of ever being with (she wasn't gay, was happily married, and I didn't find her attractive). So no warning signs for me there. I also realised I was sort of "transferring" things in a way...like I'd compare him and my partner. Compare what kind of life I could potentially have with him to the life I already had with her. (which is of course potentially dangerous and also incredibly pointless, because how could I ever really know, especially at that earlier stage, what life I would have with him?!)

[nancy drew]

ugh

It was a 5-year affair, ended just a week and a half ago, not my decision, but I know it is the right one.

I am a MW, for 35 yrs. My BH does not know about this. The AP is single, we are of same age, have been colleagues/friends for over 30 years. You can do the math and deduce neither of us are spring chickens LOL.

 

I have never done anything like this before. I have always been a good C@tholic girl. I can't believe I am here, but at the same time I can't believe I didn't expect to be here at some point. The words cheating/infidelity/adultery were pushed to the very corners of my mind and conscience so that I could protect myself from considering them. I was enjoying the fantasy that became an addiction to attention and comfort. Of course I knew what I was doing though. 5 years ago I made the destructive and selfish choice to slide down the slippery slope from gifts, shared interests, collaboration on the Mission of our organization to time alone together, kisses, and ultimately to a PA. That slide took about a month. I fear it will take a lifetime to climb out.

[LFH]

ugh

It was a 5-year affair, ended just a week and a half ago, not my decision, but I know it is the right one.

I am a MW, for 35 yrs. My BH does not know about this. The AP is single, we are of same age, have been colleagues/friends for over 30 years. You can do the math and deduce neither of us are spring chickens LOL.

 

I have never done anything like this before. I have always been a good C@tholic girl. I can't believe I am here, but at the same time I can't believe I didn't expect to be here at some point. The words cheating/infidelity/adultery were pushed to the very corners of my mind and conscience so that I could protect myself from considering them. I was enjoying the fantasy that became an addiction to attention and comfort. Of course I knew what I was doing though. 5 years ago I made the destructive and selfish choice to slide down the slippery slope from gifts, shared interests, collaboration on the Mission of our organization to time alone together, kisses, and ultimately to a PA. That slide took about a month. I fear it will take a lifetime to climb out.

Welcome to LS. I am intrigued by your story. I've never heard an OW, particularly one who is only a week out of a 5 year affair, actually describe the experience that way. I will be interested in getting to know you. I hope you are doing ok in the aftermath of your situation.

[nancy drew]

Welcome to LS. I am intrigued by your story. I've never heard an OW, particularly one who is only a week out of a 5 year affair, actually describe the experience that way. I will be interested in getting to know you. I hope you are doing ok in the aftermath of your situation.

 

Thank you for the welcome, and your good wishes.

The aftermath of my situation is painful and fearful, most of it still to be experienced. I won't derail this thread but will post my story separately soon.

I hope to find some the healing I need to do here.

[LFH]

Thank you for the welcome, and your good wishes.

The aftermath of my situation is painful and fearful, most of it still to be experienced. I won't derail this thread but will post my story separately soon.

I hope to find some the healing I need to do here.

 

Post a thread. You'll get more responses there. I'm sorry you are hurting.

[stevie_23]

I'm interested in reading your story too, Nancy.

 

I started this particular thread, and I too am surprised and impressed by your wisdom and objectivity about your own A situation so soon after it ended.

 

Looking forward to hearing more from you. I think you can help me with my own post A breakup process too. I was with my ex-MM for 2 years and am still trying to extricate myself from my own feelings.

[Neffer]

She does need to get over it, in her own time, in her own way. It's healthy for her to need and want to discuss things, and since she doesn't have anyone to do so with in person, where else should she do so? How else should she work it out?

 

She had a guy she was really attached to, who disappeared from her life. Why isn't she entitled to take as long as she needs to work through it?

 

Some people get over things easier. Me, I have to mull and process things over time...and then at an undetermined point it clicks. No one knows how long it takes to heal; its very individual. Suppressing it completely is just evasion. May seem done, but it isn't.

 

She's just trying to sift through the remains and figure herself out here, not him. The why, how, etc of it all. Its incredibly strange to look back and see actions that are unfamiliar, yet they were your own.