Partying Over Loving Someone

[napy666]

My best friend and I were talking about my ex boyfriend last night and how him and I broke up. Its been 2 years since I've been single and dating. She goes and tell's me that she did speak with my ex after him and I broke up and she tried herself to convince him to get back with me.

 

But my ex told her "No way I should have done this a long time ago. I don't want her back. I want to be 25, I want to live my life drinking, smoking, partying like everyone else in their 20s"

 

When him and I first met he did drink, but after meeting me he stopped drinking, and never smoked so he was Straight Edge like me. I myself never have drank, smoked, or done drugs ever in my life. So I admired that he had stopped all of that just for me.

 

During our second year together I found out that he had begun drinking behind my back I was furious at this. He told me he would stop but I never believed him.

 

Then we broke up during our third going on fourth year together. We tried working things out 2 days after our breakup but he just wanted to live his life as a 25 year old and party, drink, and smoke.

 

Me not allowing him to do this, he picked that lifestyle over me, someone who truly loved and cared for him so much.

 

Why would a guy pick that over someone who loves them?

[shadow15]

same reason my ex-girlfriend left me, she wanted that college experience and live that same twenty lifestyle; partying, drinking, and just wanting to fit in like everyone else; she never drinked or partied with me, she was disgusted by it, but now its all she wants to do. When we broke up she told me how she felt as if she was out of love with me, but after being broke up for 5 months and me realizing everything, i honestly believe she told me that so it would make her feel less guilty about leaving me. The way she portrayed herself after our broke up and the fact i found out she started talking to a dude immediately after me shows me she lied to me and changed completely. I believe she was emotionally cheating on me before we broke up cause we had about two weeks where it was constant fighting and its around the time she started back cheer leading and i believe met a new dude while doing so since i was unable to go to her games.

 

Plus she actually told me she wouldn't date that guy she was talking to directly after me cause she didn't want people to believe thats why we broke up, i call bullcrap, she just didn't want people to know the truth. And theres the fact i found out she had a conversation with her friends about relationships that you wont leave someone until you find someone else, and she told them thats what she did. Its a shame a person that you spend so much time with, becomes your best friend, you depend on them, believe they wouldn't do anything to hurt you, but they are able to cut you off like its nothing. It really makes you believe that they never cared for you.

[Echo000]

Doesnt sound like you were flexible with him..It's okay for a 25 year old to drink and he probably felt he had to keep it a secret because he felt judged. I am sure he loves you, but he probably felt the pressure build up until he finally said enough. Compromise is key, and I dont see why he cant drink even if you dont. He wants to live, I get that.

[napy666]

Doesnt sound like you were flexible with him..It's okay for a 25 year old to drink and he probably felt he had to keep it a secret because he felt judged. I am sure he loves you, but he probably felt the pressure build up until he finally said enough. Compromise is key, and I dont see why he cant drink even if you dont. He wants to live, I get that.

 

Well I don't approve of it. I don't like people who drink, smoke, and do drugs. To me that lifestyle is wrong and unhealthy for you. I was looking out for him and loved and cared for him with all my heart and soul.

 

But he wanted to live life instead of picking me.

[Echo000]

Nothing wrong with that belief..just recognize that you can only date people who feel the same way about these things as you do then. Because otherwise this will happen every time

[Echo000]

[quote

 

But he wanted to live life instead of picking me.

 

And he shouldnt have had to choose...being in a good relationship is a form of living life.

[Keenly]

That sounds pretty controlling to be honest.

 

Drinking and doing drugs on a consistent daily basis is one thing, but going out to party and have new experiences with your peers is different.

 

You do sound a little overbearing to be honest. My first girlfriend was like you, with the "I don't like it, therefore you are not allowed to do it" attitude. Drove us apart.

[lovelifexx]

I agree with the others. Don't look at it as if he chose something over you. What he wanted was to be in a relationship where you make compromises for eachother and let the person be who they are. We all want that, so don't take it personally.

[KatZee]

A relationship isn't something in which a person compromises everything they want just for you.

 

It's not like he picked a partying lifestyle OVER you, he just went back to the life he had before he met you, and the life he wanted to keep experiencing.

 

You guys were just not compatible in terms of your lifestyles. He wants to be laid back, carefree, he wants to have a drink with his buddies a cigarette without having to feel like you were breathing down his neck.

 

Just because YOU don't approve of it, doesn't give you the right to control someone elses life.

 

Just as you should find someone who's as straight edge as you. There was always bound to be resentment in this relationship, so it's better off you guys have parted.

Edited March 5, 2013 by KatZee

[NoLeafClover]

Well I don't approve of it. I don't like people who drink, smoke, and do drugs. To me that lifestyle is wrong and unhealthy for you. I was looking out for him and loved and cared for him with all my heart and soul.

 

But he wanted to live life instead of picking me.

You don't like people who drink and smoke and do drugs?

Like you judge them because they are having a drink with a couple of friends on a Saturday night after a long week of work?

 

Question - Were you sheltered as a child?

 

You sound like an ex i dated my junior year in college who was a virgin.

 

First of all, there is a big difference between drinking or smoking a cigarette and doing drugs.

 

Going out for a drink with friends is not something you should be judging. I could see how this could be a problem being something he did all the time and getting drunk off his arse, but socially drinking has never been a crime.

 

Working over 40 hours a week is not healthy either but no one says anything bad about that.

 

Perhaps he was right. Maybe you did control him too much.

It's good to put boundaries, but seriously what kind of boundaries are those?

 

If drinking or smoking a cigarette is a problem, I don't even wanna know how harsh you would of been if he had a motorcycle.

 

Until you start to let some things go and compromise in a relationship, you will be single for a long time.

[napy666]

That sounds pretty controlling to be honest.

 

Drinking and doing drugs on a consistent daily basis is one thing, but going out to party and have new experiences with your peers is different.

 

You do sound a little overbearing to be honest. My first girlfriend was like you, with the "I don't like it, therefore you are not allowed to do it" attitude. Drove us apart.

 

But he was clean 100% at first then did this stuff behind my back. I loved that he didn't do it anymore becuz of me but then he did it behind my back later on.

[napy666]

You don't like people who drink and smoke and do drugs?

Like you judge them because they are having a drink with a couple of friends on a Saturday night after a long week of work?

 

Question - Were you sheltered as a child?

 

You sound like an ex i dated my junior year in college who was a virgin.

 

First of all, there is a big difference between drinking or smoking a cigarette and doing drugs.

 

Going out for a drink with friends is not something you should be judging. I could see how this could be a problem being something he did all the time and getting drunk off his arse, but socially drinking has never been a crime.

 

Working over 40 hours a week is not healthy either but no one says anything bad about that.

 

Perhaps he was right. Maybe you did control him too much.

It's good to put boundaries, but seriously what kind of boundaries are those?

 

If drinking or smoking a cigarette is a problem, I don't even wanna know how harsh you would of been if he had a motorcycle.

 

Until you start to let some things go and compromise in a relationship, you will be single for a long time.

 

I don't care even if you are kicking it with friend or family during a small get together. I will not allow drinking, smoking, or drugs of any kind in my presents. If he had done that I wouldn't have approved it either he could have gotten hurt or who knows what. I do allow compromises ok.

[KatZee]

But he was clean 100% at first then did this stuff behind my back. I loved that he didn't do it anymore becuz of me but then he did it behind my back later on.

 

OK, so was he 100% clean at first, or did he stop doing it because of you? He can't be both. He obviously had this lifestyle before you, met you, thought you were cool and gave it up for a bit. As he went on with you he realized that wasn't the life he wanted. He didn't want to be controlled by another person. If he wanted to be controlled like that I'm sure he'd date his mother.

 

Stop looking for people to "fix" or "help." Find someone who has the same ideals as you. Someone who doesn't drink, do drugs, smoke, hang out with friends, etc. The only way you're going to work out with anyone is if they're as straight as you. Plain and simple. You don't leave much wiggle room for anyone to be who they are.

[Keenly]

In the same paragraph you say that you are open to compromise but then a few sentences later you say "I will not allow"

 

Or do you mean you only want compromise when it benefits you?

[na49]

People want to be young while they can be young. I'm sure he loved you, he just loved partying more. I'm straight edge too, and so was my ex which is why dating her was so great. I finally had someone who I could go have sober fun with. We went to museums, went to the city, went out to eat, cuddled and watched movies instead of getting trashed.

 

and now I'm alone again. Not sure if she's a party type now, but I'd imagine if she's dating a 24 year old alcoholic and is friends with a lot of stoners, she's probably not the same innocent girl that I fell in love with.

[Quest4_TheLost]

I don't think your getting it nappy. It dosen't sound like you want to be in a relationship, sounds like you want a child. You don't approve of him being able to be laid back and have a good time. Most people, don't generally hang out with people that are uptight and feel like their every moved is being watched. Your not his mother.. Maybe he liked you enough to quit. This may sound a bit harsh but sounds like he got sick of being with someone so uptight.

 

I agree 100% with everyone else. You need to find someone more compatible for you. That or learn not to be so harsh and judgemental towards others because they enjoy having fun. Its your call, but sounds like this guy did what is best for him. If your going to try to control someone its going to smack you in the face every time.

[NoLeafClover]

Well I don't approve of it. I don't like people who drink, smoke, and do drugs. To me that lifestyle is wrong and unhealthy for you. I was looking out for him and loved and cared for him with all my heart and soul.

 

But he wanted to live life instead of picking me.

 

I don't think you are fully realizing what you truly want and what you are truly requesting from your partner.

 

You will never find 100% your type , noone here is. You start somewhere and build of from there then as time goes on you pick and choose what you can and can't live with in the relationship you're with.

 

You claim you can compromise but it seems to me you are talking about things such as "picking the weekends on who's going to cut the lawn" and not compromise on actual issues.

 

You say you "do not allow that and this" but due to the reasons you are giving, you seem very selfish and only care about YOUR OWN self.

 

Put it like this, You like to hold hands with your bf but you don't like touching his hand when his hand is dirty (Understandable right) However, reason behind why you don't want to touch his hand is not because you are worried that he might not be the type that likes to take showers or washes his hands very often...it's because you don't want your hands dirty and truly you couldn't care less if he even gets sick from not washing his hands - you catch my drift?

 

Further more, you do not have any type of right to put boundaries on things he likes to do such as drinking with friends. This is not the end of the world, he can drink with his friends and you can be there too but you don't have to get an alcoholic drink.

And if he had a motorcycle you wouldn't allow him? Okay you got no kids with him, you two are no married. If he wants to get a bike and can afford it you will be there to tell him NO either me or the bike? I am just using the bike as an example but honestly how would you feel if he told you he didn't want you to do your make up, or your hair or do things you like to do?

 

What is the reason why you don't like him to drink? Because you care about him? You think your standards are so much higher than those who drink?

 

Please don't tell me because your mom told you so.

 

Are we 13 here? I could understand smoking cigarettes being an issue because the smell, and getting on your clothes or what not but you seem to have a controlling issue that you are not realizing. This has nothing to do with him doing things, it's about you wanting to wear the pants in the relationship.

 

Everyone on here is pretty much telling you the same thing but in different ways...Grow Up

Edited March 7, 2013 by NoLeafClover

[napy666]

I'm not going to listen to what you said.

[KatZee]

I'm not going to listen to what you said.

 

And it's no wonder you now find yourself single.

 

Your way or the highway, correct? Do some introspection on yourself. You have control issues. End of story. You're entitled to have your own opinion on drinking, smoking and whatnot. That's fine. Then make the choice to not do those things. Make the choice to not date people who do those things.

 

Dating someone however, does not give you even one miniscule ounce of right to make that choice FOR THEM. No matter how "good" you feel your intentions are. Being in a relationship doesn't mean trying to change them to fit whatever mold you want them to be in.

 

Put someone on a leash, and the only thing they will want to do is escape.

Edited March 7, 2013 by KatZee

[napy666]

And it's no wonder you now find yourself single.

 

Your way or the highway, correct? Do some introspection on yourself. You have control issues. End of story. You're entitled to have your own opinion on drinking, smoking and whatnot. That's fine. Then make the choice to not do those things. Make the choice to not date people who do those things.

 

Dating someone however, does not give you even one miniscule ounce of right to make that choice FOR THEM. No matter how "good" you feel your intentions are. Being in a relationship doesn't mean trying to change them to fit whatever mold you want them to be in.

 

Put someone on a leash, and the only thing they will want to do is escape.

 

I know and I'm not going to date someone who does, do those things.

[Keenly]

I know and I'm not going to date someone who does, do those things.

 

Just make sure you make a conscious attempt to not be controlling. What if his friends invite. Him out to the bar? Will you demand he not go simply because you don't like it?