Follow up

[Sobbing]

OK, for those who read my post, "how could this happen?", this is the follow up. Since we were all mutual friends and it turns out that he liked my other friend but went out on 2 dates with me...it was because he was clueless that they were dates! This guy apparently never really had a relationship so he's a bit out of the dating scene and the "rules" of what dating is. So I sort of gave him the benefit of the doubt of "using me" to get to my friend. But who knows....so anyway, after consideration of his situation, I knew that he would be freaking out that he had hurt me. So I emailed him a very honest letter about how I felt and that I want to stay friends with him. Of course I completely let go of my emotions in that email and he responded by saying that he was worried that I was pissed off at him and that he didn't want to lose friendship with me. ALso, he added, "so where do we go from here? let's see where this friendship leads us to..." and I thought...this couldn't mean that he's starting to notice me, is it?

 

So anyway, he called me up last night to hang out with him. I was surprised, but I didn't return his call (it was on the answering machine). So my question is...is this guy doing this out of guilt? or is he in denial thinking that life is perfect and that he could still be friends with me? or is he starting to notice me?

 

As I said before, he is like a high school kid who just started the dating scene...even though he's in his late 20s...

[Tony T]

Like anything else, there is no way of telling where this will go. However, it does sound like he is being sincere in wanting to be your friend at this point. He knows you are completely aware of his fondness for your friend, yet he still wants to hang out with you.

 

If you really like this guy, hanging out with him as a friend will give him the opportunity to know you better. Do things to have fun and, who knows, the friendship could lead to bigger things.

 

Meanwhile, don't shut down your whole social life. Dates others you enjoy if the opportunity arises.

 

Don't be so concerned where this may lead if you really want to be his friend. That should be enough in itself. Anything above that will be a bonus...if you really want it.

 

In the back of your head, don't discount the fact that he may be smarter than you think. No matter how inexperienced a man in his late 20's may be socially, he still isn't stupid. There really could be some guilt there. Don't be too concerned about that right now, just be aware.

[Nic]

i completely agree with what tony says.

 

i think you should tread carefully with this guy for the moment. and being friends and getting to know each other better would be the best way to do this. if he does develop stonger feelings for you, you want to be able to know in time that they are genuine.

 

if this guy is to grow fond of you, it will happen in due course when he gets to know you for who you are, and not to mention, a healthy respect between you will develop. he already knows your feelings, so there's no need to push anything.

 

if it turns out that being friends is all he wants, you're still a very lucky girl. you'll have that special bond between you that will be rewarding in itself. sometimes the bond a friendship forms can be closer than the bond a relationship with someone may form.

 

but keep your options open in the meantime, take each day as it comes, enjoy being with each other and let fate do the rest of the work.

 

Like anything else, there is no way of telling where this will go. However, it does sound like he is being sincere in wanting to be your friend at this point. He knows you are completely aware of his fondness for your friend, yet he still wants to hang out with you. If you really like this guy, hanging out with him as a friend will give him the opportunity to know you better. Do things to have fun and, who knows, the friendship could lead to bigger things. Meanwhile, don't shut down your whole social life. Dates others you enjoy if the opportunity arises. Don't be so concerned where this may lead if you really want to be his friend. That should be enough in itself. Anything above that will be a bonus...if you really want it. In the back of your head, don't discount the fact that he may be smarter than you think. No matter how inexperienced a man in his late 20's may be socially, he still isn't stupid. There really could be some guilt there. Don't be too concerned about that right now, just be aware.

 

[Deejette]

He sounds very passive and is waiting for you to set the definition of what this relationship will be like. I would wait for him to make more gestures your way, even inviting you out for more than just "hanging out."

 

You are in love with this guy and just being friends with him might not make it for you. It might end up being more painful than happy, as you keep remembering that he had fallen for your friend. You may always have doubts about being second choice. So that is why you have to let him make more of an effort.

i completely agree with what tony says. i think you should tread carefully with this guy for the moment. and being friends and getting to know each other better would be the best way to do this. if he does develop stonger feelings for you, you want to be able to know in time that they are genuine. if this guy is to grow fond of you, it will happen in due course when he gets to know you for who you are, and not to mention, a healthy respect between you will develop. he already knows your feelings, so there's no need to push anything.

 

if it turns out that being friends is all he wants, you're still a very lucky girl. you'll have that special bond between you that will be rewarding in itself. sometimes the bond a friendship forms can be closer than the bond a relationship with someone may form. but keep your options open in the meantime, take each day as it comes, enjoy being with each other and let fate do the rest of the work.