Going through the motions/therapy

[fooled2manyX]

I went to my first therapy session last week. It went well (therapist is a man and very down to earth. Not stuffy) Although my one friend feels I should most definatly see a female. I am seeing this therapist as a favor ($$) and I am not at liberty to chose who I want right now.

 

But, overall, I feel it helped to talk about what has transpired. The vanishing act of my xMM. I go back to the therapist this Thursday. I am hoping to discuss more. Like..

 

How I feel about when my xMM dropped off the items I asked him to, but never wrote a note. (no "im sorry" or "goodbye") How that has hurt me. After, I sent only one text (the next day) and what was worse, was my text was rather dire. The way I felt was awful. I wanted to die. And he ignored that hurt. This was something I would have never saw him doing, having known him for 20 years. It gives me anxiety to even think about it right now.

 

So, I have to get into that with him. How I feel desperatly wounded from this. It's been baby steps this last week.

 

I do suggest though, talking to someone as I have started. An OW/OM is affected from an affair as well.

[Realist3]

Please be careful. Therapists and lawyers are well known for taking advantage of women who don't have $$.

[stevie_23]

Well, hopefully she won’t have to worry about that on top of everything else.

 

I commend you for talking to someone. It should really help. Keep us updated, ok?

[spice4life]

Please be careful. Therapists and lawyers are well known for taking advantage of women who don't have $$.

 

I'm sorry realist, but this is not true about good therapists at all. I happen to know a lot of people who are therapist and taking someone for their money is the last thing on their mind. They enjoy what the do because its in their blood. Their therapy practices flourish because they truly help and have high success rates. Sure, there are some bad ones out there, but the number of good ones far exceeds them. That's true about any profession though.

 

Fooled, I'm glad you are sticking to it...you will be amazed by what you learn before you're done. Good luck!

[fooled2manyX]

My friend, quite the feminist, feels that a woman should talk to a female therapist due to hormones really. That a female understands another woman as a man could not. Also, that a male might look at a woman who is sharing vulerability, with motive.

 

We debated a bit. I said, well what if the female therapist were gay? She said it doesn't matter. That a woman can still identify with another, where a man can not.

 

It maybe the case, maybe not. Either way, I was comfortable after the first visit and I am willing to try a second week.

 

At this point, I was willing to try anything to feel better. The last three months (which some of you may remember from my posts) have been hell for me. It's a bit better, but of course I still have my moments. I still cry. I still miss him. I'm still very hurt. Sometimes, I get angry. I should "stay" angry, but I don't. I only say that because if I stayed angry, it might keep me from getting emotional and missing him as I do. But, that's why I titled this thread "going through the motions". It's what I am doing.

 

Especially in this case. Because the closure which is slowly coming, I have to create myself, as I didn't get any at all from him. It hurts.

 

Thank you all.

[whichwayisup]

A good therapist - doesn't matter if they are male or female, they are trained and paid to be open minded, non judgemental and do their job. When you find a T you can connect with, trust and can open up to, you're doing OK. What you put into therapy is what you get out of it. Time will tell if this T is the right one for you, might as well keep going.

 

Be proud of yourself, that you're dealing with this head-on. This painful issue with your exMM has to be solved otherwise it could have ruined many months or years of your life.

 

You may never know why he made the choices he did, how he handled it all, and with the help of therapy it'll get you to a place where you are at peace with it, enough that it won't be so upsetting and emotional for you.

[BrokenPrincess]

At this point, I was willing to try anything to feel better. The last three months (which some of you may remember from my posts) have been hell for me. It's a bit better, but of course I still have my moments. I still cry. I still miss him. I'm still very hurt. Sometimes, I get angry. I should "stay" angry, but I don't. I only say that because if I stayed angry, it might keep me from getting emotional and missing him as I do. But, that's why I titled this thread "going through the motions". It's what I am doing.

 

Personally, I sought out a female therapist as well. Because I wanted to discuss intimate issues I am having with 2 men in my life, I wasn't in the mood to open up and give that vulnerability to yet a third man, professional or not.

 

It took me a couple months to start IC, and I wish I'd done it sooner. Today I had my 5 or 6th appt, and it is helping. Today we also talked about trying to harness that anger, because like you, I am yo-yo-ing through times of just being pissed and then spiraling back down into the wallows of grief.

 

Fake it til you make it, right?

[LFH]

My friend, quite the feminist, feels that a woman should talk to a female therapist due to hormones really. That a female understands another woman as a man could not.

 

We debated a bit. I said, well what if the female therapist were gay? She said it doesn't matter. That a woman can still identify with another, where a man can not.

.

In regards to the above.. I might agree with that if the medical professional being seeked out were a Ob/Gyn

I don't think that gender should be an issue as it relates to a therapist as long as you are comfortable.

[Realist3]

I'm sorry realist, but this is not true about good therapists at all. I happen to know a lot of people who are therapist and taking someone for their money is the last thing on their mind. They enjoy what the do because its in their blood. Their therapy practices flourish because they truly help and have high success rates. Sure, there are some bad ones out there, but the number of good ones far exceeds them. That's true about any profession though.

 

Fooled, I'm glad you are sticking to it...you will be amazed by what you learn before you're done. Good luck!

 

I'm not talking about taking someone for their money, I'm talking about taking advantage of them because they have no money.

 

There have been too many cases to count of this taking place. Vulnerable women who don't have money who are taken advantage of.

 

I know there are plently of great therapists and lawyers who would never do such a thing, I just told her to be careful. That is all.

[spice4life]

My friend, quite the feminist, feels that a woman should talk to a female therapist due to hormones really. That a female understands another woman as a man could not. Also, that a male might look at a woman who is sharing vulerability, with motive.

 

We debated a bit. I said, well what if the female therapist were gay? She said it doesn't matter. That a woman can still identify with another, where a man can not.

 

It maybe the case, maybe not. Either way, I was comfortable after the first visit and I am willing to try a second week.

 

At this point, I was willing to try anything to feel better. The last three months (which some of you may remember from my posts) have been hell for me. It's a bit better, but of course I still have my moments. I still cry. I still miss him. I'm still very hurt. Sometimes, I get angry. I should "stay" angry, but I don't. I only say that because if I stayed angry, it might keep me from getting emotional and missing him as I do. But, that's why I titled this thread "going through the motions". It's what I am doing.

 

Especially in this case. Because the closure which is slowly coming, I have to create myself, as I didn't get any at all from him. It hurts.

 

Thank you all.

 

What your friend is saying is not true. I have a family member who is a therapist and she suggested I go to a good male therapist who is balanced, supportive and compassionate to help me learn how to trust men again. I got some referrals from a friend/colleage of hers and ended up seeing a female, but I was definitely open to seeing a man as well. If he is a good therapist then he may be the right choice. He could help you see things from the male perspective and help you build trust in men as well as yourself again.

[stevie_23]

In some ways, I may even PREFER to have a male therapist, because part of my hang up over how my A ended was how my ex did it. And as a man, maybe the therapist could understand a man’s point of view better. (Although obviously this is a very simplistic and general view. A good therapist, male or female, will help you understand your own thoughts and feelings and not even try to account for why someone else they’re NOT talking to might have behaved a certain way because they simply cannot know.)

[Silly_Girl]

And as a man, maybe the therapist could understand a man’s point of view better.

 

Why is that a factor for you, if you don't mind me asking?

[stevie_23]

One of the things that is getting in my way a bit from finding true peace from my situation is that I don’t understand how my ex could have left me the way he did. I know it’s my responsibility to find my own closure and nothing he could say would really “fix” me, but talking about it with a man might be a bit different to talking about it with a woman. That’s all.

[Silly_Girl]

I understand, but I honestly don't believe that's the best approach for therapy. It's your thoughts and feelings that are explored. Therapy is awesome but the biggest ingredient is you.

 

To go along in the hopes of 'working your ex out' is not a positive way forward.

 

My fella did what yours did. My favourite method helped me enormously but makes me sound cray-zeee!! I wrote him an email pouring out how I felt and asking him why, but I sent it to me, not him. Then I replied, as him. And so on. It wasn't long before I saw some uncomfortable truths. By pretending to be him responding to an angry lover I soon made progress. Not saying it would work for everyone but it did for me. Sorry you're struggling.

[fooled2manyX]

I hear you gals. Stevie, if I remember correctly, your xMM at least told you it was over, yes? (not that that makes things any better). Mine last left me like it was any other day. He knew she knew & they were going to have d-day. but, he left and I was here awaiting the day he'd come back. He not only didn't come back... he never sent a smoke signal, homing pidgeon, nothing.

 

To Silly Girl, I tried what you did. It just didn't do it for me. I found myself still feeling how I have. Lost. Empty. Depressed. That is why I finally forced myself to get to the therapist.

 

I agree with Stevie to an extent. I too find it helpful to get perspective from men about men. It does give some insight. However, as my friend pointed out... men can tell us maybe why the man in these scenarios did what they did. BUT, they can't know very much about how we feel. I am not saying men don't love. They do. But they love in a different way. I would think.

 

I was so sad today when I thought of something. A movie. I thought of how I was feeling and that it's felt very much like Christopher Reeve felt at the end of "Somewhere in Time" when he can't get back to Jane Seymour. He dies of a broken heart.

 

It happens. And I don't want to die feeling like this. Although, I don't want to move on in a way either, because I don't want to let him go. Moving on is loving him from afar. It's what I have to do, but not all we wanted together. Even if he changed his mind.

 

It's hard. Every day.

[MyAngel]

Fooled, it sounds very much like you're holding onto the sadness because after all, it's still him. It's your only connection to him now, even though it's a negative connection. It might sound silly to some, but I can relate to that feeling, if that is indeed how it may be for you.

[stevie_23]

I hear you gals. Stevie, if I remember correctly, your xMM at least told you it was over, yes? (not that that makes things any better).

 

 

Yes, mine did tell me. After 8 days of me not knowing what was going on. I had to find out in a song he did. He didn’t send me the song or anything, I just found it on a website he goes on. And then only after a couple more days of me begging him to talk to me (cause I still had no idea what was going on and why), did he FINALLY tell me, 8 days after he left.

[Silly_Girl]

. Mine last left me like it was any other day. He knew she knew & they were going to have d-day. but, he left and I was here awaiting the day he'd come back. He not only didn't come back... he never sent a smoke signal, homing pidgeon, nothing.

 

I know that feeling. I do not understand how any half-decent person can behave in that way. I mean, I can work out the circumstances and put the jigsaw pieces together, but I just don't GET it.

[stevie_23]

Neither do I.

 

I've gotten to a place where I CAN understand why mine did it that way, but...I STILL can't really GET it. I just can't GRASP it. And I never will.

[Got it]

I think it is an insult to either sex to think that being professional is trumped by gender.

 

Do I think that either gender could steer you wrong if they were so inclined? Absolutely, but going to a same sex therapist will not protect one from that possibility.

 

I am open to either gender though I have mainly only seen women (as it seems like that there are more female therapists in my medical plan that are in my zip code). But what I am looking for is someone that I can open up to because of how they are approaching their therapy. I have had women that I stopped going to because of their approach.

 

Find someone that works for you and then go from there.

[beenburned]

SG, Stevie, Fooled,

 

I'm sorry that your XMM were so disrespectful to you all, as to not even let you know the affair is over!( and disrespectful to their wife for cheating)

 

I can't say I'm surprised though, as many cheating MM are conflict avoiders or passive-aggressive! It is the way they operate with everyone in their lives.

 

I agree with Got it that their are good and bad therapists no matter whether they are male or female. Some are more specialized in certain areas than others.