guest Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 I have been married for four years, I am young, and I got married at 18. I have been relatively happy with my husband, until about two months ago. I found out something about my husband that if I had known before I would not have married him. When I confronted him on it, he told me he was "done" that I did not trust him and he was "done" with me. When I asked him what "done" meant he would not answer. I started to pack my things and he asked me what I was doing, I told him that if he was "done" then I was leaving, what else was I suppose to do. He then told me not to go and went into this long story about what he sees for us in our future. He would have completely gone around the subject at hand if I had not mentioned it to him. He told me he would never do it again. I told him I would never snoop again. Then about a week later, we were on the topic again; he told me that I was pretending like everything is okay. Which is not like me, if I have something on my mind, I say it. He suggested that we get a divorce that this was always going to be between us. I cried and begged him to stay with me. The thing is, why was I crying and begging, I did snoop, but that was nothing compared to what he had done. He says I don't trust him and I tell him I do, but the whole time he has not been honest with me. He expects me to trust him, by not snooping, yet he has not told me the truth. Now I don't know what to do. I don't have a future with him, but I love him and would give my all to succeed with him. But what if he is not giving his all. After the discussion he was much more attentive (sexually mainly). But there are little things that keep pushing me away from him. Yesterday, we were in the car and I was talking to him about this website I saw that I thought was interesting (about calories, we go to the gym together a lot). He turned the radio on loud, so I tried to talk over it. When I continued with my story, he just looked at me and gave me a thumbs up. When I asked him about it, he said well, "I don't give a flying f!!! About how many calories I burn." I told him that's not the problem, that he could say something polite like "that’s interesting" etc. Then we came home and after an hour made up. Then we started talking about these shelves that my dad had made for us (I helped him). He told me that he does not like them, but they are the same as the one that broke, we used the good pieces to measure it. He then told me that he has decided before we made them that he was not going to like them and he doesn't. He does that with my art, I had a picture he did not like, then I changed the background and it looked much nicer. When I asked him if he liked it better then before, he said, "I don't know why you ask me, I don't like it and no matter what you do to it I am never going to like it." He lets his brothers disrespect me and when I ask him about it he tells me I am just to sensitive. He even said once, that he was always going to love his brothers more then me. Is it better to leave now with a broken heart, or stick it out and end up with a broken heart? I love my husband so much I would be miserable without him. I know that he would be miserable with out me. He can be so sweet and do the nicest things, but then again he can be really mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Laura_soontobemarred Posted September 6, 2004 Share Posted September 6, 2004 In my conclusion of reading this statement, I would say that this relationship needs help, like they all do at a certain point. Before you want to leave him, try going to a relationship counselor, this is normal for all couples to do, periodically. But it sounds like both of you need a break from each other, (for good?, it is up for you two to decide.) The only thing that really bothered me is when you mentioned the issue of snooping, which is all together trust. What is trust, I'll i know, in my relationship is that you can not survive without it. If a person does not have trust, they seem to have more problems, paranoia to be more exact, the haunts with them throughout the future. **If he does not want to try to work out these issues and does not want to respect you than you should leave and never look back, its hard, but you have to stay strong and independent!!** Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 6, 2004 Share Posted September 6, 2004 Staying strong and independent isn't appropriate in relationships. Relationships require cooperation, teamwork, and partnership. They also require understanding and forgiveness. This relationship seems to be lacking in several of these things, particularly from you. It's ok if your husband doesn't like a piece of your art. You should forgive him for things he's done in the past before he ever met you (except murder or child abuse maybe). then again he can be really mean. If you think disliking shelves or a picture is being 'really mean' then definitely see a counsellor. You two need to learn to relate like a couple rather than like two 'independent people'. Link to post Share on other sites
Laura_soontobemarred Posted September 6, 2004 Share Posted September 6, 2004 When I stated "...then you should leave and never look back, and stay strong and independent", i believe that every person, when on their OWN should work towards those qualities, no one needs another to live. When the person (moim.) mentions forgiving him, that is up to you, but forgiveness should only happen if it will not happen again. My advice to you is try NOT to be niave like most women are, they tend to think that if their significant other does something, like cheat or lie, and they say sorry, than that is the end of that...but if it is not sincere, than you should not take it as the last time. Link to post Share on other sites
Laura_soontobemarred Posted September 6, 2004 Share Posted September 6, 2004 Oh, I just have to say that if your significant other does say rude things about what you are so passionate about you have that right to feel upset. That is not right for him to do, it is very uncaring and just mean. He should be behind you 100%. That is a relationship. Good Luck Too You Laura. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted September 6, 2004 Share Posted September 6, 2004 I don't even think he knows he's being rude to you to be honest. Some people, ( even people on this forum ), don't care about what others think. Sure, he should be a little more sensitive to your feeling because you're his wife. But you also need to just be the wife you're supposed to be. Just because he doesn't like a certain painting, it's his opinion and it's his right to dislike it. For him to say things like I'll always love my brothers more than you is a very unfair statement and he should be slapped up side the head for that one. But again, his sensitivity towards you needs a tune-up. Some people are just too independant to think about their SO's feelings and this is something that can be worked on. My suggestion would be to set him down, make sure he's willing to give you his undivided attention, and then explain to him how these comments affect you. Things that happened in the past should be left in the past, ( SEE MY QOUTE BELOW). When you two agreed to drop it and never bring it up again, that's exactley what you should've done. Marraige isn't 50/50, it's 100/100. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted September 7, 2004 Share Posted September 7, 2004 You haven't said what it is that your husband did, but if it was bad enough that you wouldn't have married him because of it then it must be fairly serious and you have to decide how much it factors in now with everything else that is going on. As far as his behavior towards you now, he sounds very immature, and not very caring or supportive or able to communicate well at all. If he is rude or insulting about things that are important to you, I see that as a large problem. If he tells you he is always going to love his brothers more than you and lets them maltreat you that is another huge problem. Accepting this type of maltreatment from the most important person in your life is a big mistake. It can slowly chip away at your ego until you have little self esteem left and it is usually a way for the other person to make themselves feel better about their own short comings and to try and control you. A supportive and caring partner should be your best friend and share thoughts feelings, pleasures with you, things won't always be positive obviously, but he shouldn't be intentionally hurtful towards you. It could be that some of his recent behavior is due to you having found out about his past and his own insecurity about that. Clearly you need to discuss it further with him. You love him enough to make the marriage work. Just make sure it's not desperation or fear of abandonment that is keeping you there. In the end, only you can decide if you want to stay in the marriage. You are still very young and you have no children I assume, so it would be very easy for you to start a new if that's what you decide you want. Don't live your whole life in a loveless or unhappy marriage because you're afraid to be on your own or to start again. And please don't bring children into a marriage where they see that it's okay for a father to treat his wife and their mother badly, emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, worse in many ways. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
SteveH Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 I can only offer one small bit of advice... DON'T have children with this man until you are 100% sure in your heart that you have resolved this issue. Children would make your situation ten times more agonizing. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted September 18, 2004 Share Posted September 18, 2004 Thank you to everyone who replied to my message. I know some of it is me being to sentative. How do I stop being sensative with out losing my respect? For example. When I make dinner (sometimes I cook for an hour to make something great). As soon as dinner is done, I am either waiting for my husband to get off the phone or he is checking his e-mails. In both cases, dinner sits their getting cold. When I told my husband that he should check his e-mails after dinner because I spent all that time cooking, he makes me sound insensative to his needs to too sensative for getting upset. Today I told him, if you can't wait to check your e-mail until after dinner then I am not going to cook. Fair? His response was, thats the only way I get my message (from friends). I understand that, yet those messages will still be their in 10 minutes when he is done eating. Other pet peeve. Lately, or I am noticing it more, things seem to be about him. On Wednesday, I wanted to go see a movie, he did not say no or yes. Then at lunch he picks up his cell, calls his brother and invites him to our house to watch a movie. He did not even ask if it was okay if we watch tv at home with his brother instead of seeing the movie. If he had asked I would not have said no. It was the fact that he didn't ask that upset me. Kindof like, it did not matter to him what I wanted to do. Another example, at the Gym, I like to work extra on certain parts of my body. When I told him I wanted to do two extra machine, he said no, because he did not want to wait for me and that I always want to do "five" other machines as he put it. When I only wanted to do two and normally only do one extra on only one of the Gym days. How do I know when to react and when not to. When I do anything, my husband makes me feel like I am overreacting. Should I feel upset? Link to post Share on other sites
Laura_soontobemarred Posted September 19, 2004 Share Posted September 19, 2004 One of the first things that you could do is when you make dinner, sit down and eat alone, and let him eat it cold, or make yourself something for dinner and let him make his own, maybe he would appreciate it more. Your husband seems to be like my fiance is a small way, because they both seem to have communication problems, and both seem to think that woman over-react about nothing. (Oh yea, I am 20 years old and have been dating my fiance for 5 years)I think that you should not hold back what you are feeling, you two need to talk. It seems like he does not realize what a good thing that he has. In most cases, people do not realize what a great thing they have, until its gone. Do not let him walk all over you, put your thought on the table, let him know how it is. If you have so many problems You should break it off, I know from my experiences that if he does not care about working anything out than things will just get brushed aside and never resolved. And overtime leading too even bigger problems. All i know is that you have the right to be loved and appreicatied not ignored. And about the gym, I do not know why he wouldn't want to wait, my fiance and me go to the gym and I sometimes do extra aerobics and he does not mind doing extra weights while I finish working out, he understands that i want my body to look good for him and me, he finds it to be a good thing, like most guys should. Maybe you should tell him why you want to work out a little more. My man knows that it makes me feel better about myself and overall have more energy and therefore be in a better mood...It works for him. If he does not want to treat you better by listening to you than nothing will ever get fixed, period. A marriage or a realtionship of any kind takes team work, so you and him should be working to make the realationship work, overall an old tomatom might have to happen. email me if you have any more problems. Laura Link to post Share on other sites
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