Ladydrib Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 If you are in an affair, no matter how it started, there is some problem, somewhere in your life that you are ignoring rather than addressing. Ask yourself, "what is the problem?". Then figure out how to solve it in a way that will bring positive to your life (and other's lives too). That's how you know the solution to the problem is right. It should have a positive impact. Please share your ideas of what could be "the problem" and the solution. Writing your ideas can help you and other people in affairs or hurt by affairs indirectly (i.e. betrayed spouses) Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 'The Problem' was that the guy stayed in a unfulfilling marriage even after he was cheated on. The solution? Facing up to it (leaving). Was that what you were after? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 If you are in an affair, no matter how it started, there is some problem, somewhere in your life that you are ignoring rather than addressing. Ask yourself, "what is the problem?". Then figure out how to solve it in a way that will bring positive to your life (and other's lives too). That's how you know the solution to the problem is right. It should have a positive impact. Please share your ideas of what could be "the problem" and the solution. Writing your ideas can help you and other people in affairs or hurt by affairs indirectly (i.e. betrayed spouses) Perhaps it's fear...fear of being alone...fear of leaving something familiar and facing an uncertain future....so much fear that you can only leave when someone offers you a safe place to land so that you can finally leave...but then that person who offered you a safe place to land was actually made of cement and you end up more broken than before...and then you're back to square one and not only dealing with fear but also with heartache....and now you feel even worse....you can't trust anyone not even yourself.... Perhaps there's nothing to fear but fear itself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 Perhaps it's fear....so much fear that you can only leave when someone offers you a safe place to land so that you can finally leave...but then that person who offered you a safe place to land was actually made of cement and you end up more broken than before...and then you're back to square one and not only dealing with fear but also with heartache....and now you feel even worse....you can't trust anyone not even yourself.... Goodness me. This is so true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 If you are in an affair, no matter how it started, there is some problem, somewhere in your life that you are ignoring rather than addressing. Ask yourself, "what is the problem?". Then figure out how to solve it in a way that will bring positive to your life (and other's lives too). That's how you know the solution to the problem is right. It should have a positive impact. Please share your ideas of what could be "the problem" and the solution. Writing your ideas can help you and other people in affairs or hurt by affairs indirectly (i.e. betrayed spouses) Umm, I needed to get a divorce. I got a divorce. Problem solved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LFH Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 If you are in an affair, no matter how it started, there is some problem, somewhere in your life that you are ignoring rather than addressing. Ask yourself, "what is the problem?". Then figure out how to solve it in a way that will bring positive to your life (and other's lives too). That's how you know the solution to the problem is right. It should have a positive impact. Please share your ideas of what could be "the problem" and the solution. Writing your ideas can help you and other people in affairs or hurt by affairs indirectly (i.e. betrayed spouses) I don't actually have a problem that I'm ignoring. I don't tend to go with avoidance of issues. The problems that I do have in my life don't have any solutions, certainly not one that would bring positive to my life and others. I guess you could say my affair itself was sparked by my desire to resolve one of the problems in my life, and it did. That was a positive for me, for him and for many people in both of our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
psm04 Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 Problem - I thought that there were several problems in my marriage (lack of passion, intellectual stimulation etc), but I realized that I was making most of these issues bigger in my head. The A is making me realize that. The problem is me, and I guess I liked the attention that I was getting from someone, regardless of whether he really cared about me like my H does. And the MM didn't care and doesn't care about me except for when he needs to. He doesn't even really know me. Solution - Well, I am actually taking a much needed trip for myself, and once I get back, I think I'm going to have that tough conversation with my MM once and for all, letting him know that I really cannot talk to him anymore. This has been ripping me apart, and the MM's jealous/obsessive behavior in certain situations is really getting to me. I hope I can stay strong and stick to it 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 The problem that I see in a lot of relationships has been beat to death on these boards - lack of intimacy. Not just sexual intimacy - but all kinds of and levels of intimacy. People get wrapped up in feeling like once they make a "vow" that the work ends - and they stop tending to their relationship. Not just the BS, but the WSs too. I am not a proponent of marriage for this reason - I think it is going to take generations for this mindset to die out - and I want no part of it. That whole idea that once the catch is caught - I can focus on other things and let that slide. Let other things take my time and energy and focus and let the relationship wilt and die on the sidelines as I barely glance at it - ew. As a former BW, I let that happen. I did try - in spurts - to resurrect the relationship. But it was like an old plant that I had let go too far - I assumed that bc we took vows, that it would always be there, I took the marriage for granted. Not my partner - but the marriage - because divorce didn't seem like a reality - well, until the divorce, lol. My exH let it happen too - we, in fact, let it happen together - the only thing we did together was let our relationship die bc we both had this false sense of security bc of the all important vows. *sigh* As a former OW - I wasn't lacking anything in my life to become the OW. I didn't knowingly go into an affair, but I knowingly stayed (I was in love - and that's a tough thing to forget or ignore sometimes). As for the exMMs "what was the problem" - the same thing that was the problem in my former marriage - and so many other marriages in this world - lack of care, lack of attention, lack of nurturing, lack of bonding - all with the excuse that we are too busy, too distracted to pay attention to it - and that false sense of security that our little bubble will never burst. In my work I try so hard to help people understand the importance of nurturing their primary relationship. The house, the kids, the jobs - none of that means anything without the primary relationship to which it is all owed. If the primary relationship is dead - everything else crumbles around it - and in good speed. We get so wrapped up in "life" that we forget the entire reason we are working so hard for all of those other things in the first place is that primary relationship - that "beginning" of our life. I look back now and can see with 20/20 hindsight what I did incorrectly. That's why it's so easy to coach others from my professional standpoint - because it ALL makes so much sense now. Then? I was blind - and so falsely secure - that it is ridiculous. In an ideal world - a relationship would just bloom on its own - regardless of having no sunlight, no water, no care, no warmth. But here, in reality, that just doesn't work - it just - dies. And there comes a point where it cannot be revived no matter how much focus you put on it frantically for any amount of time. It's sad to me - that so many people struggle with this. It's sad to me that I struggled with it - that my exH struggled with it (he still struggles, marriage number 4 I think for him?) and that my exMM and his exW struggled with it. That we lose sight of it and that distraction is devastating to the relationship - and the death of the relationship is inevitable. The good news is - some of us learn from it. We take that information and KNOW it and LIVE it. We nurture our later relationships and we NEVER make that mistake again. I have learned it - my exH has not, hopefully he will eventually, for his own happiness, I wish that for him. My exMM has learned it - his exW has not (yet!) - but I think she will figure it out too eventually. It's an age old problem - and has happened for thousands of years - and will most likely continue on for thousands of years. I won't take part in it anymore though - and consider myself lucky for learning the lesson and taking it with me. I'm hopeful that there are many others who will do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
cosmicpanda Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 No problems here. Just the fact that I found him cute, irresistible, and he pursued me. That almost happened to me, im in a relationship thats not at all fulfilling and some guy that comes to my work everynite always hits on me. It puts the thought in my mind of him and i. which obviously shows thats theres a problem if i could even think of cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 The problem is that people are not naturally monogamous - but they vow to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 I would agree that humans aren't naturally monogamous - SOME humans. I actually am pretty naturally monogamous. But yes, those that aren't who vow to be - and then take those vows like written in stone contracts - when in fact, it's just a promise at that given time in those given circumstances. Change those circumstances - and all bets are off. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 But we can't ignore the fact that some people do have big problems that have absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 No. No human is naturally monogamous. we belong to the primate class of mammals - and we are not biologically PROGRAMMED to be monogamous. No mammal is. Or, compared to all the mammalian species on the planet, it is proportionately extremely rare.... However, we are to different extents, CONDITIONED to be monogamous by countless social factors - and in some, the conditioning is stronger than others. But if we had any natural affinity to monogamy, a lot more of us would still be with the same partner we started out with. We can be SERIALLY monogamous - but we have a multitude of partners.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 I disagree. I think that some of us are born more monogamous than others. I, am in fact, one of those. I have never had the desire to have more than one partner at a time. I am, in fact, uncomfortable with it. This isn't from programming - it's just my nature. It's perfectly acceptable in our society to date more than one person at a time - I cannot do it, it's not my nature. I have read studies on this, and it's an age old nature vs nurture. I happen to side with those that believe that for some of us, it truly is our nature. I don't give more weight or morality to either one - just stating that some of us ARE naturally monogamous, no matter how we were "conditioned". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 i had a situation occur when I was in middle school with my teacher. it sorta screwed me up and i developed a 'false' sense of this idea of what 'love' was. and at that age, you're kind of starting to build your self-esteem. so to me-- love was this man risking his job, career and life for-- to be with ME. to pick ME. how could I be that special? (thinking as kid...) so- my problem is trying to re-create that situation that I had no power in. i had no say in. it ended of course and left me shattered at a young age with a lot of issues that i couldnt see til i grew old-- however, it's now how I feel validated.... for someone to risk something to be with me MUST mean they really love me, right? Yeah- right. I know all of the issues and reasons, I just need to know how to fix it. I am in IC by the way. Anyway, that's my story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 I am sorry that you experienced this' date=' it must have affected the way your life continued.... but it is far from normal as you know. Anyone in that position deserves to be punished for taking advantage. If it were my child, I would not stop until they received that punishment for sure. This is the wrong place for you though[/quote'] well, unfortunately he was never really punished. lost his job, left town but ended up with a better life after it all ended up. Yes, it affected my life. But, I did become stronger in many ways-- however, the romantic part of my life has always been a little off balance as I seek unhealthy relationships that kind of 'mimic' that one. what do you mean this is the wrong place for me? being in the A I am in now? or the board? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 I disagree. I find the prospect of exploring one person only -- fully and completely -- to be exhilarating. Deep intimacy is very exciting to me personally. I completely agree. But have you stuck to ever having only one relationship with the very first person you ever fell in love with? You are monogamous, of course you are. With one person at a time. Serial Monogamy. And that's a good thing. But it's not unique..... and it's not uniquely for one person.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 I disagree. I think that some of us are born more monogamous than others. I, am in fact, one of those. I have never had the desire to have more than one partner at a time. Good grief - that's PRECISELY WHAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING!!! Forgive me for being irate, but I wish people would pay attention! Most - if not all - of us, indulge in "Serial Monogamy" - having one partner only at a time!! We - as the highest form of primate/mammals - do not 'mate for life with one single partner'. That is the true definition of 'monogamy'. we have several partners - sometimes, a few, sometimes, more than a few - but they're consecutive. There are those who for whatever moral reasons you may wish to cite, decide that having a secondary partner is something they want to do. Personally, I see nothing wrong with this at all - PROVIDING there is no deceit, subterfuge, underhandedness, cheating or lying. A mutually agreed open marriage, a FWB situation, a polyamorous situation. Those all entail following a more "Natural" course of sexual activity. But the moment deception enters the ring, that's when it's utterly wrong. I am, in fact, uncomfortable with it. This isn't from programming - it's just my nature. It's perfectly acceptable in our society to date more than one person at a time - I cannot do it, it's not my nature. I have read studies on this, and it's an age old nature vs nurture. I happen to side with those that believe that for some of us, it truly is our nature. I don't give more weight or morality to either one - just stating that some of us ARE naturally monogamous, no matter how we were "conditioned". Certainly some are more inclined towards it than others; and it is ENTIRELY a matter of conditioning. If, for example, you came from the Yanomamo tribe, your life would have been very different - and entirely normal for you there, even though by Western standards this might be considered backward and barbaric. To therm, it's how they do things and have always done them. So Social conditioning is entirely responsible for our attitudes to matters of this kind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ladydrib Posted March 6, 2013 Author Share Posted March 6, 2013 i had a situation occur when I was in middle school with my teacher. it sorta screwed me up and i developed a 'false' sense of this idea of what 'love' was. and at that age, you're kind of starting to build your self-esteem. so to me-- love was this man risking his job, career and life for-- to be with ME. to pick ME. how could I be that special? (thinking as kid...) so- my problem is trying to re-create that situation that I had no power in. i had no say in. it ended of course and left me shattered at a young age with a lot of issues that i couldnt see til i grew old-- however, it's now how I feel validated.... for someone to risk something to be with me MUST mean they really love me, right? Yeah- right. I know all of the issues and reasons, I just need to know how to fix it. I am in IC by the way. Anyway, that's my story. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you are able to find a way that you feel "fixed". I know that when something happens so early it seems to become wired into us. That doesn't mean that there's not a solution. The solution may not be what "seems" normal, but there is a solution. And if you're looking, chances are you will find it. :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 This is good thread...thanks for posting it. "What's the problem?"..is a question I have been asking myself recently. It's like something is kniggeling me and I'm not quite sure what it is yet. As soon as I know I will post it though. I have a few remaining questions and I think one of them has to do with me reconciling the two images I have in my head of him. The fantasy vs the reality. Something I stumbled upon on the Internet today has me really thinking about it and it certainly has me wondering! Darn it! That means another epiphaney is right around the corner and I'm not sure if it's a good one or something horrible. All I know is that it will changes things for good! Will be back to post th answer when I figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 Eh, we disagree on nature vs nurture - it's cool. I believe in nature and know what I was "conditioned" for and what I wasn't. Monogamy is my nature - not something I was taught or learned - and I have no doubt that had I been born elsewhere, it would be the same. It's innate - not learned. I'm not as pliable as you may be to conditioning maybe? But that's a whole other topic, I'm sure! Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 And ps - short term sex (as one poster put)? I see many posts on here from people who have been in very long term affairs. I can't imagine that my exMM would continue to have all the responsibilities of a full fledged relationship with me if he was just after sex - as that is easily gotten in this society (and in his field of profession!). I can name off 20 people that would have been a whole lot easier for him to deal with "just for sex" if that's all he was after - the fact that we had sex shouldn't surprise anyone, that is what intimate significant others do. It is, contrary to some belief, extremely important in an intimate relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 My ex-MM and I were long distance. NO SEX THERE! We were together almost 2 years. If it had been just sex, god, how much EASIER it all would’ve been! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 umm, i needed to get a divorce. I got a divorce. Problem solved. ^^^^ditto^^^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 8, 2013 Share Posted March 8, 2013 Eh, we disagree on nature vs nurture - it's cool. I believe in nature and know what I was "conditioned" for and what I wasn't. Monogamy is my nature - not something I was taught or learned - and I have no doubt that had I been born elsewhere, it would be the same. It's innate - not learned. I'm not as pliable as you may be to conditioning maybe? But that's a whole other topic, I'm sure! Honey you're soooo much more 'conditioned' than I am, and you don't even know it.... But yeah, that's a whole different thread, you're right. Care to rise to the challenge? Link to post Share on other sites
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