He packed up and left in the midst of an argument

[biggysmilez]

My BF left me seven days ago in the midst of an argument. I begged him to stay but he spent the next five hours packing and left anyway. He said we weren't compatible and we fought too much. But I always thought if there were more good times than bad, then you stay together.

 

My question is this - because he made the decision so quickly in the heat of the moment, is there a chance that NC will work to bring him back? We had many happy times, but it is hard to imagine that he wouldn't change his mind in the five hours it took to pack up his stuff and the very long drive he subsequently had going back to his hometown. I am blindsided and devastated. Do people really leave each other on such a spur of the moment?

Edited March 6, 2013 by biggysmilez

[Bigcitydreamer]

This happened to me 2 weeks ago. We were on an argument that HE started and when I got upset and cried he left broke up with me and left. He contacted me the day after the BU and I didn't respond but that was it. I've maintained strict NC since and he hasn't reached out since that one day.

 

I'm not sure if your bf will return, I suspect that behavior like that runs deeper than the argument you had. I figured my ex might contact me since it was in the heat of the moment but he hasn't.

 

I don't need someone who walks out on me in an argument. Anyone who's relationship that you envy, do you think their SO would do that to them? Maybe he will come back, but I'd be worried it would happen again. Good luck though, every situation is different and maybe yours will feel bad at the way things ended. May I ask who initiated the argument?

[biggysmilez]

I started the argument. He was going back on his word for something that he told me he would do previously and that was a big deal. I was extremely disappointed in his change of mind. I left for a walk. He asked if he could come with me and I asked to be alone. When I came back, he had the U-haul.

 

I'm so confused because we were happy. We argued and sometimes they were bad but we quickly made up. There were no drawn out fights. And I'm devastated because he never gave us the chance to work on our differences.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Well in that case it seems to me like you have more of a chance then I do! In my case he purposely made me cry by saying something he knew would upset me (turned out he was joking so it was clearly said just to upset me) and then when I reacted he flipped out and broke up with me. Have you tried apologizing? If it were me perhaps I'd apologize and then if that got me no where I'd do NC because most people don't break up with eachother over one fight. Not even sure I'd apologize myself, but I don't want to advice you of something that could make things worse.. Tough situation for sure!

[Chi townD]

Well, you keep saying that you've had more happy times than bad. But, just how bad were those bad times? How bad were those arguements? How bad were those words you said to each other? Sounds like he hit his breaking point.

 

Look, I'm not saying your wrong. I agree that when the arguement happened and you decided to walk. I WOULD HAVE DONE THE EXACT SAME THING! Remove yourself from the situation and cool off. I totally agree with your actions here.

 

If he would have asked me to come on this walk, I would have told him in the calmess way possible that I just want to cool off because I don't want to argue with you anymore. So, just let me cool off and I will return and we can work this out together. Come to a compromise. As a matter of fact, I run and get us some dinner and we can eat and have a civil conversation. What are you interested in for dinner?"

 

But, he's gone now. So, apparantly he has some more cooling off to do. Once his anger subsides and those good times start creeping back in his head. he'll contact you....just give him time. Then, when that happens NO ARGUEMENTS! Be calm cool and collected. Try to work it out. But! If he's dead set on breaking up for good. As much as it would hurt you, try not to show it. No begging or pleading. Be strong. He'll probably be taken aback from your strength.

[biggysmilez]

You're right. Why would we want to be with somebody who would just walk out? I think I'm just beating myself up because of the mistakes I made.

 

And we had gotten into three arguments that week. But I chalked it up to being together too much since he wasn't working and I am in graduate school. Am I wrong to think that you don't give up on something if there is more good than bad?

 

I think it is a good sign that your ex contacted you the next day. He might make a "grand gesture" to show he is sorry.

[biggysmilez]

The arguments we did have were bad. I am quick to anger and so is he. We have said some nasty things to one another. I just wish I would have had the chance to work on it. I am just not one for walking out on something fundamentally good.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay ladies,

 

I was in an R when I was younger that was "perfect" for 8 months.

 

Than one day he just....BANG....broke up with me saying "too much pressure."

 

It was so weird, like out of nowhere.

 

We got back together six painstaking months later, but I didn't trust him anymore.

 

We ended up engaged.

 

Then....BANG....six weeks before the wedding he disappeared again.

 

Conflict-avoidance is a terrible, terrible sign. Duck while you can.

 

See how your guy handles anger and conflict. I think that should be 60% of a deciding factor on whether or not a relationship is compatible.

[biggysmilez]

thank you so much for talking with me. i have little support system and i've broken down as we all do when dealing with grief.

[Bigcitydreamer]

You're right. Why would we want to be with somebody who would just walk out? I think I'm just beating myself up because of the mistakes I made.

 

And we had gotten into three arguments that week. But I chalked it up to being together too much since he wasn't working and I am in graduate school. Am I wrong to think that you don't give up on something if there is more good than bad?

 

I think it is a good sign that your ex contacted you the next day. He might make a "grand gesture" to show he is sorry.

 

I doubt that he will do any kind of grand gesture. I'm fairly certain he will contact me down the road and perhaps "regret" his decision when his life doesn't change for the better without me, but I'm not waiting aroun for that. In fact I'm moving across the country in 2 weeks and at that point it will be a hell of a lot harder to reconcile. My birthday just passed and he never wished me happy bday. I'm ok with it though. I have lots of bad memories of him more so then good ones!

 

Dreamingoftigers I couldn't agree with you more. You put into words what I was thinking but didn't know how to say it. How they handle conflict is definitely a major major red flag. If someone really wants to be with you, then you would think that they would handle conflict a lot better.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Okay ladies,

 

I was in an R when I was younger that was "perfect" for 8 months.

 

Than one day he just....BANG....broke up with me saying "too much pressure."

 

It was so weird, like out of nowhere.

 

We got back together six painstaking months later, but I didn't trust him anymore.

 

We ended up engaged.

 

Then....BANG....six weeks before the wedding he disappeared again.

 

Conflict-avoidance is a terrible, terrible sign. Duck while you can.

 

See how your guy handles anger and conflict. I think that should be 60% of a deciding factor on whether or not a relationship is compatible.

 

Just noticed that you are in Calgary! That's where I will be moving in 2 weeks. It's a small world after all

[Chi townD]

You're right. Why would we want to be with somebody who would just walk out? I think I'm just beating myself up because of the mistakes I made.

 

And we had gotten into three arguments that week. But I chalked it up to being together too much since he wasn't working and I am in graduate school. Am I wrong to think that you don't give up on something if there is more good than bad?

 

I think it is a good sign that your ex contacted you the next day. He might make a "grand gesture" to show he is sorry.

 

 

AHHH! That's telling!

 

There's a good chance that he's dealing with massive depression. And you stated that the agrument was about something he said he was going to do but didn't? Well, people that are depressed don't feel like doing crap. Therefore, the argument was a reminder of how he may feel like a loser who can't get a job and your argument with him just confirmed that you agree with his train of thought. (You may not feel that way, but that's how HE'S precieving it as) At anytime during the argument did you throw that out there? Like, " I asked you to do ONE thing and you can't even do that! It's not like YOU have a job or anything!"? That could have been the straw that broke the camels back. That he doesn't blame you for not wanting to be with a loser, so he'll relieve you of that burden.

 

Just a theory, but a good working theory in my opinion.

[biggysmilez]

that is a good theory!

but he is in fact employed. he starts residency in june. and i was supposed to move with him. he told me he'd co-sign a private student loan for me which was the only way that i could continue my education and be able to move with him as he goes through training to be a physician. (we were going to move 3 times in 1.5 years as he is also in the navy). a month after telling me he'd do this for me, and listening and watching me prepare for this, he backed out. i panicked and started calling my current school to see if i could continue there since it was my only option without the loan. and then i left. and no matter how hard i tried to tell him when i got back that i understood and that i'd figure something out, he wouldn't listen.

[Chi townD]

that is a good theory!

but he is in fact employed. he starts residency in june. and i was supposed to move with him. he told me he'd co-sign a private student loan for me which was the only way that i could continue my education and be able to move with him as he goes through training to be a physician. (we were going to move 3 times in 1.5 years as he is also in the navy). a month after telling me he'd do this for me, and listening and watching me prepare for this, he backed out. i panicked and started calling my current school to see if i could continue there since it was my only option without the loan. and then i left. and no matter how hard i tried to tell him when i got back that i understood and that i'd figure something out, he wouldn't listen.

 

 

Nope! You blew that theory out of the water.

 

I'm confused though...you said that he's in the Navy, but he's going to do his residency? But, you stated that he's going to train to be a physician? Okay, so he's ALREADY a physician and he's going either to Portsmith or San Diego to do a residency OR he's going to USUHS up by Bethsda to START medical school.....confused.

[biggysmilez]

he's doing a civilian internship and then doing a GMO tour.

[Bigcitydreamer]

that is a good theory!

but he is in fact employed. he starts residency in june. and i was supposed to move with him. he told me he'd co-sign a private student loan for me which was the only way that i could continue my education and be able to move with him as he goes through training to be a physician. (we were going to move 3 times in 1.5 years as he is also in the navy). a month after telling me he'd do this for me, and listening and watching me prepare for this, he backed out. i panicked and started calling my current school to see if i could continue there since it was my only option without the loan. and then i left. and no matter how hard i tried to tell him when i got back that i understood and that i'd figure something out, he wouldn't listen.

 

 

Wow, no wonder you were upset with him. That's bs on his part. Chin up girl, one day at a time. You will look back on this and be like wtf was I doing with him!

[mutant]

that is a good theory!

but he is in fact employed. he starts residency in june. and i was supposed to move with him. he told me he'd co-sign a private student loan for me which was the only way that i could continue my education and be able to move with him as he goes through training to be a physician. (we were going to move 3 times in 1.5 years as he is also in the navy). a month after telling me he'd do this for me, and listening and watching me prepare for this, he backed out. i panicked and started calling my current school to see if i could continue there since it was my only option without the loan. and then i left. and no matter how hard i tried to tell him when i got back that i understood and that i'd figure something out, he wouldn't listen.

 

You actually handled yourself very maturely and I don't see why he would end a relationship based on this. I am certain there may be other reasons why he backed out on his word and left at the same time. Don't blame yourself for this, if he contacts you let him explain to you why he did this and if he doesn't give a satisfactory explanation maybe it's time you let him go.