Worthless life

[RayJ16]

I just got through lying down crying. My life is so worthless. I have been struggling with this for good while now. I have been so depressed and stressed out, I dont know what to do. This is my senior year in high school and I cant find peace wherever I go. My mother uses me like a slave and I'm not the only child. I cook, clean, shop, pick up things for her, run All of her errands, pay her bills. While I'm doing that she uses these hurtful phrases, she tells me how bad a person I've always been, how dumb I am, curses me out, at time she even hits me. I've been a real good kid to here, I do everything she ask me to and she treats me like this.I dont know who my father is and he doesnt send any child support, my stepfather doesn't even care about me, except when I have to do something for him, too. I tried tell other family members but they just tell to suck it up, think about someone other than myself, or they dont believe me. I've been planning to move out the house when I graduate but I dont know If can wait that long.To top that off, i'm the one of the only african-americans at the school i attend, so I have a conflict everyday because someone of the opposite race doesn't like me. I dont talk much, and I dont have many friends, or really any. It try to talk to girls, and a whole lot of them think I'm very attractive, but they dont want to go out with me, including the girl that i really really liked, i have a huge on her. We had something special going on, then all the sudden, she doesn't call any more, and it seems to me that she is advoiding me, and i didnt do anything wrong, I dont get it! Nothing is going right in my life at all. Im never happy, just angry and depressed. Lately I been thinking the answer is to take myself out, but even though I feel that way I dont really want to. Maybe I need to change? Its just not fair my life is like hell. and I wish it was over.

[rogueless]

Is there an adult you can talk to that you really trust? A teacher or school counselor maybe? You need help for depression. You could report your own parents to child protective services or whatever they are called in your area.

Ask at school, they have to report these cases to someone. If you really ever feel like hurting yourself, go to the emergency room for help. Good luck and get help

[RayJ16]

Well, the problem is, because of all of this i dont many people. I dont think they would believe me, and If I do report them my whole family would turn on me. As for the health part, I am getting migrane headaches when im angry, sad, nervous. I also believe I have social anxiety. When I'm in pressed situation I could feel my heart rate increase tremendously( such as when I talk to attractive girls) or I shake or twitch.

[RayJ16]

I dont feel like hurting myself at times( when im sad), but now I have devolped a temper I never had before and I am very temped to hurt other people like my mom.

[shortbus74]

Ray it will get better..... dont give up quite yet.....

[moimeme]

You can't continue to live like this. Do you have another relative you might be able to live with? Do you have any friends who live on their own that you could move in with? If not, maybe a temporary placement in foster care would at least give you some relief from your awful home situation.

 

At minimum, you should see a counsellor to talk about feeling depressed and worthless because you need help for that.

 

Don't you think it would be much better to have counsellors to talk to than to go hurt someone?

[rockstarmusician]

It sounds like you need a big break! Are you able to go to a doctor to speak with her/him? You need to talk to someone.

[RayJ16]

This a stupid life my f--cking mom wont get off my back. No, its no one i can talk to and HATE my Mom, dad, and Step dad,, with all off my heart and would NEVER forgive them

[RayJ16]

and now i see nobody even cares to answer me answer me back

[Craig]

It sounds like you are having a rought time at home and that school isn't a place you like either. Sometimes here on the LS some posts get more attention than others and that isn't your fault and it doesn't mean that people don't care.

 

I've found some links to sites that can assist you in your struggles, but you have to make the first move. Sometimes asking for help is the most difficult thing to do but once you do, it becomes easier to talk about your challenges and ultimately do something that benefits you. I have a challenge with my wife and for me to make the first call for help was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to call about 12 different agencies before I found the right one too.

 

While there is no excuse for your mom cursing at you or hitting you it is unlikely that you can change her. You really do have to take the first step and make some calls to talk to someone that may be able to help you or can direct you to the right person to talk to.

 

http://www.focusas.com/Hotlines.html

 

http://www.teenadviceonline.org/gethelp/numbers.html

 

http://teenadvice.about.com/od/helplines/

 

Feeling like you do can make it seem like there is no hope but there is. Take the first step and then the next one and things will get better.

[LookingforSunshine]

Hi,

I am new to this site as of today, and your post really caught my eye. You are living in a nightmare which you did nothing to create or choose. The life you were given by a mother who is dysfuntional is NOT your fault. Her abusive ways are being passed down and you are one of many scapegoats, I would imagine. Anger is normal as is wishing to hurt yourself or others. Your feelings are justified.

 

The real question is: now that you have been handed the dynamic stick already lit, what are you going to do? The hardest thing for me is to continue my own recovery in this world, while at the same time still reeling from the effects the circumstances that produced the feelings in the first place have caused. This can happen no matter if one is physically located in the place of origin, or simply wishing to escape the abuse which one first encountered. No matter what, it is hard. Hang in there, and post again. Your online friend, Reeling

[YellowLioness]

You just really need to get away from your mom. Are you going to college?

 

That will give you space, plus you'll make tons of new friends.

 

Until that point, I'd probably try to contact child welfare services. You're almost not a minor anymore, but they still may help.

 

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. Don't let your 'rents destroy your dreams of what could be.

[RayJ16]

Well i'm maintained over a 3.0 GPA throughout high school so far. And I'm a pretty good basketball player and I'm trying to get a scholarship so I can support myself. I dont want my parents in control of m anymore. But lately I have a little guilt, my constantly nags about how much I owe her. I understand but when she says it, she uses it to get me do something for her or to put me down. She tells me and everyone else that I am ungrateful and take her for granted. I've admit I let her brainwash me because I was young and I believed it was true. I believe I was a great, mature, and respectful teen. To respectful as I think, I believe I let many people take advantage of me, and let them take me for granted. I gave and done every single thing my mother ask, out of kindness and I feel she as well as other people know they can take advantage over me. But really I am going to try to change. I am also shy and not very talkative and that may have something to do with it to, but like I said I really think its time for a change.

[Craig]

Ray, it sounds like you have a lot going for you in school and sports and from what you say, it seems like you really could use the support of an adult counsellor. Have you talked to any adult counsellors yet regarding your challenges at home? In many instances they have the experience of working with people in situations just like yours. They can help you make plans for college, give you tips on how to get scholarships and how to handle your current home situation. Sometimes you might find that the first counselor you talk to isn't of any help to you and so you find yourself another counselor. If you have the drive to get a 3.0 GPA, do well in basketball with everything that is going on at home you certainly can find a counsellor to talk to.

[LookingforSunshine]

Dear Ray,

Now is the time for counseling. It is FREE through the school. As person many years older than you, I find that although there are a lot of good couselors out there, and books, and online support (like this one) that couseling does COST. You are in a perfect place to NOT pay for counseling. Get some of your work started NOW, before you leave for college and someday find youself leafing through many insurance programs (or no insurance at all) to figure out where to turn to discuss things and get help. I envy you only this: you get to make darn sure what committments to make in life, and I would HIGHLY encourage you to make this one: TO YOURSELF!!!

 

Best of Wishes, Reeling

[Charlotte]

Hi Ray,

I can relate somewhat to your circumstance.

I have 4 older brothers but it was me that always did everything to help my mum. And yes, everyone took me for granted and I just got used. My mum would use emotional blackmail to control my life. She would make me feel guilty if I left home for instance, she would threaten to kill the animals. I was her puppet and I lived in a prison for 30 years.

Unlike you, I only realized this very late (about 31 years old). I finally came to the conclusion that if I wanted to save my life, I had to leave home. It was really hard to do as I did not have much confidence in myself. My mum constantly critizises me and puts me down so my self esteem was shot. Anyhow , I did leave home and its been the best thing that has happened to me. I have changed so much. Gone is all the hatred inside (both for my mum as well as myself). I used to be so shy around people. In fact, I had social phobia but I went to a few therapy sessions which helped greatly and now that has gone. I am much more confident, outgoing. I am finally discovering who the real me is!! I am finally enjoying life.

 

So Ray, please hang on. Life does get better if you want it too. You already know what you have to do - leave home ASAP. The environment you are surrounded in is soul destroying and you won't get better until you leave.

 

You are very fortunate in that you are young but so mature. Like I said, I didn't realize what my mum was doing to me until after 30, so I feel bitter that I wasted 10 years of my life because of her.

 

Also, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have done more than your fair share of helping her. You DO NOT deserve to be abused (physically or emotionally). You mum just has baggage which she is taking out on you because you are a soft target. Don't make the mistake of perpetuating that baggage.

[RayJ16]

Well it is 5 months until graduation and since the last time i posted things just get worse and worse. My mom is now attacking me with very nasty words that she ever used before. One previous night, we had an argument about the stupidest thing in hte world, she came and punch me in my face. I call the police. the officer came and heard our stories and idmediately jumped on my mom's side. My stepdad comes in and tells me I just can't take critism. My grandma tells me I need to be more grateful. and this is entertaining my little brother who is 15. Now my family calls me selfish, ungrateful, undeserving. My mom also tells me I am going to grow up to be a failure and have a 5 dollar an hour job. That night she throw me out of the house, and allowed me to come back a night later. I apollogized, but she didn't. She told me it is a prvilalge to stay at her house since she pays for everything.she complains about my report cards even though I have a 3.45 gpa. it seems that I have to be very perfect to live at her house. Next day I was devasted and thinking about giving up on myself. When I went to school I went and told one of my teachers and she reported the situation, she is one of the few who would at leasten to me. I am pretty close to my uncle to, he helps me when he can about this.

 

yesterday, my mom goes of at me for going to a high school basketball game on my cell phone, so when she hangs up i slam the door and throw my keys in public without her konwing about it. My brother witness all this and calls my mother on her cell phone and tells her. Now i'm in huge trouble. she gives me a 45 min speech on how i put her through all of her greifs and i'm a bad and rebelious child, my step dad(who takes my lil brother to an Atlanta Falcons game but leaves me here), tells her on the phone to keep punishing me. They(including my brother )call me names, they say i'm a 8 year for losin my temper, liar, failure. She tells me that i need to head to the army, because she is met not let me stay here after i graduate. and she also said that when i get kicked out the army and cant afford a place that she will be the first person i will call back. She always tell me that i cant make it without her.

 

I'm thinking about moving out and even going to a junior college in another state, but i dont have any money to start off with, i dont want to live with my mother anymore.

 

I these words coming from so many people, is kind of making think, Is she right? Maybe i need to change? Maybe i'm not the angel i thought i was, and i am a troublesome child? i dont know i'm just very confused, can someone help me?

[RayJ16]

I just cant stand it! it gets worst an worst. no matter what I try nothing works.I heard negative comments about me at home and at school daily. I just realized reality, that maybe i'm not the person i thought i was. Maybe they are right, I want my life to over, I hate my life, I hate myself I hope my life is over soon.

[moimeme]

Ray

 

You MUST speak to someone at school about this. Do it tomorrow. See the counsellor, nurse, or principal. Do not let this go on one more day.

[Kingnick213]

I'v been in the same situation and like they say it does get better, from birth, my father walk away from me, scowling at me. My second step dad hit me, kicked me, cursed at me, hed sometimes just punch me in the face and id cry, thinking what the hells wrong with, am i worthless, i'v almost commited suciced 3 times, once with a knife to the wrist, once i almost jump of a building. Is sad it is to see people going through this. Then I grew up a bit and i had dreams of killing people, hurting people, because i was hurt, i was mad....then i thought why god wasnt there for me, i got real mad, said f school and ran away... i came back, my mom was worried. Even if parents scowle at you, its usually because there mad at something else... but hard to think when its getting taken out on you....one day i met a lady, she was a sycatris, excuse my spelling, she told me that there more to life, she also hypotised me to think that when i get deprresed, i just say NO and walk it off, I'm so telling you man life is beautiful and theres so much more to come, after that i became a christan and life got so good, i was full of exitment and joy, andi was helping others, that one of the best things you can do. If you go to a local church, they will except you and ask them about one on one talk about your deprresion, i'm telling you, do it man it all goes away, i at the moment help otheres, i wish i was close to you so i could help you man, but life does get better, i promise, people do love you man, you gotta look...Hope this helped and i'll write again man.....Nick

[Nine]

Ray,

 

I would like to add my voice, in agreement, with what all the other people here have said. You are not bad. I understand that it can be very hard to believe that when you have family members taking their stuff out on you (and that is definetly what they are doing). This is not unusual in a dysfunctional family. The members of your family want to protect the "system" that they have created.

 

I am also the "scapegoat" in my family. It really stinks. I'm older now and have carved a nice life for myself. My family hasn't changed their attitude about me, but I have. That gives me satisfaction and happiness.

 

Please keep posting.

 

Nine

[katie79]

sounds like my mother.

she's very dependant on people. sometimes me, but mainly my father. she makes him take her everywhere, buy things for her, helps her out with things, etc. Then she'll complain to him, while he is doing her the favor. She has done stuff like this to me and my sister throughout the time.

 

Don't let this part get to you, it's her not you.When you move out, you'll feel like a new person. Hang in there.

[NiCoLe20]

wassup ray!!! i've been there and done that with my family. im 20 yrs old now and im still living at home... which sucks.. so i feel your pain. my mom is always on my back too for stupid little things. my sister is worse though..shes like the demon in the house. but besides all that, i understand how hurt ur feelin right now and this is what i think you could do to START on working the relationship w/ your mom a little bit better...

i think you should write a really long, descriptive, and emotional letter to your mom explaining how she makes you feel. let her know that you've at times have thought about suicide b/c of all the pressure she puts on you... w/ the chores, errands and stuff like that. tell her how you cry when she's not around all the time b/c she makes you feel so bad and whatever you do isnt good enuff. you gotta let her know these things.. i know its hard to tell it to her face but even if you write them out for her to read, she will have some insight on this. ive done this before and ive left a letter on the kitchen counter for her to read when she wakes up, and at the end of the day when i get home we talk and things slowly got better. i mean its a start you know, its worth a shot... see what happens. and i think if she reads something from the heart it will make her think twice about the way she speaks to you.... good luck try it and tell us what happens! and remember suicide wont help anything... ive attempted it before and if i wouldve died, i wouldve missed out on so much like getting my liscnese, graduating schooll,college, and meeting new friends and having really good times... keep that in mind ok!

[NiCoLe20]

RAYY wher eu at?

[RayJ16]

hey, im back and a i calmed domwn a little, well i have let a teacher know whats going on, and she is supporting me on this, i got to go but i'll give ya a update soon.